Romantic Relationships

1
Romantic Relationships

• Love isnt finding a perfect person.
• Its seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
• Sam Keen

2
Relationship Development

• Interest in relationships
• 96 of college students expect to marry
• 90 of Americans will marry
• Primary concerns
• Dyadic attachment sexual exclusivity
  closeness
• Personal autonomy equality independence
• ? ? rate dyadic attachment more important

3
Relationship Development

• Standards for relationships
• ? have higher expectations
• Younger ? expect more intimacy than ? or older ?
  do
• Younger married ? more lonely than married ?
• ? standards less likely to be met
• ? ? have same expectations
• ?s expectations more likely to be fulfilled

4
Relationship Development
5
Relationship Development

• Characteristics desired in a mate
• ? ? agree more important for ? to
• Have prestigious career
• Have high-paying job
• Be athletic
• Do chores outside the house
• ? ? agree more important for ? to
• Be physically attractive
• Do chores inside the house

6
Relationship Development

• Characteristics desired in a mate
• Threats from rivals
• ? distressed by rivals w/ better job prospects,
  greater physical strength, better financial
  prospects
• ? distressed by more physically attractive rivals
• Different desires for short- versus long-term
• Sex differences emerge in dating relationships
• For long-term relationships, sexes agree
  Emotional stability agreeableness most important

7
Relationship Development

• Explanations for sex differences
• Evolutionary psychology
• Physical attractiveness ? youth fertility
• High occupational status ? financial resources to
  ensure survival of offspring
• Social role theory
• Cultures w/ stronger gender stereotypes show
  bigger sex differences
• People w/ traditional gender-role beliefs show
  bigger sex differences

8
Relationship Development

• Relationship initiation
• More common for ? to ask ? out on date
• ? use direct strategies to initiate e.g. asking
• ? use indirect strategies e.g. hinting
• Dating scripts
• Conceptualize ? role as proactive ask for date,
  decide what to do, driving, kissing
• Conceptualize ? role as reactive getting
  ready, worrying, waiting, accepting/rejecting
  advances

9
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Intimacy
• ? define as self-disclosure
• ? define as physical proximity/sex

10
Love Styles

• You will see several statements that reflect
  different attitudes about love.
• For each statement, rate how much you agree or
  disagree with that statement.
• The items refer to a specific love relationship.
• Whenever possible, answer the questions with your
  current partner in mind.
• If you are not currently dating anyone, answer
  the questions with your most recent partner in
  mind.
• If you have never been in love, answer in terms
  of what you think your responses would most
  likely be.

11
5 strongly agree 4 moderately agree 3
neutral, neither agree nor disagree2
moderately disagree1 strongly disagree

• My partner and I have the right physical
  chemistry between us.
• I feel that my partner and I were meant for each
  other.
• My partner and I really understand each other.
• My partner fits my ideal standards of physical
  beauty/handsomeness.
• I believe that what my partner doesnt know about
  me wont hurt him/her.
• I have sometimes had to keep my partner from
  finding out about other partners.

12
5 strongly agree 4 moderately agree 3
neutral, neither agree nor disagree2
moderately disagree1 strongly disagree

• My partner would get upset if he/she knew of some
  of the things Ive done with other people.
• I enjoy playing the game of love with my
  partner and a number of other partners.
• Our love is the best kind because it grew out of
  a long friendship.
• Our friendship merged gradually into love over
  time.
• Our love is really a deep friendship, not a
  mysterious, mystical emotion.
• Our love relationship is the most satisfying
  because it developed from a good friendship.

13
5 strongly agree 4 moderately agree 3
neutral, neither agree nor disagree2
moderately disagree1 strongly disagree

• A main consideration in choosing my partner was
  how he/she would reflect on my family.
• An important factor in choosing my partner was
  whether or not he/she would be a good parent.
• One consideration in choosing my partner was how
  he/she would reflect on my career.
• Before getting very involved with my partner, I
  tried to figure out how compatible his/her
  hereditary background would be with mine in case
  we ever had children.
• When my partner doesnt pay attention to me, I
  feel sick all over.
• Since Ive been in love with my partner, Ive had
  trouble concentrating on anything else.

14
5 strongly agree 4 moderately agree 3
neutral, neither agree nor disagree2
moderately disagree1 strongly disagree

• I cannot relax if I suspect that my partner is
  with someone else.
• If my partner ignores me for a while, I sometimes
  do stupid things to try to get his/her attention
  back.
• I would rather suffer myself than let my partner
  suffer.
• I cannot be happy unless I place my partners
  happiness before my own.
• I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes
  to let my partner achieve his/hers.
• I would endure all things for the sake of my
  partner.

15
Love Styles

• A. Eros (Items 14) represents passionate love.
• Physical attraction, sensual satisfaction.
  Rapidly developing, emotionally intense, intimate
  relationships. Idealize lovers, willing to take
  risks.
• B. Ludus (Items 58) game for mutual enjoyment
• Love as series of challenges and puzzles to be
  solved. Date several partners, move in and out of
  love affairs quickly and easily. Refuse to make
  long-range plans, wary of emotional intensity
  from others.
• C. Storge (Items 912) friendship based on
  interests.
• Love may take time to develop. Desire a long
  term relationship based on mutual trust, making a
  home and raising a family together.

16
Love Styles

• D. Pragma (Items 1316) shopping for a suitable
  mate.
• Wants relationship to work well, partners are
  compatible and satisfy each others basic or
  practical needs. Relationships based on
  satisfactory rewards rather than romantic
  attraction.
• E. Mania (Items 1720) possessive, dependent
  love.
• Insecure and fearful of being rejected.
  Associated with high emotional expressiveness and
  disclosure, but low self-esteem. Yearn for love,
  yet anticipates that the relationship will be
  painful, so try to force partner into greater
  expressions of affection.
• F. Agape (Items 2124) selfless, nondemanding
  love.
• Sacrifice own interests and give without
  expecting reward. Not happy unless the partner is
  also happy. Prepared to share all they have, are
  vulnerable to exploitation.

17
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Love
• ? score higher on storge and pragma
• ? score higher on ludus

18
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Love
• Sternbergs triangular theory of love
• Love comprised of three components
• Intimacy Self-disclosure
• Passion Physical attraction heat
• Commitment Formalize relationship
• Different kinds of love comprised of different
  components

19
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Love
• Sternbergs triangular theory of love

Intimacy
Non love
Friendship
Infatuation
Empty
Passion
Commitment
Intimacy
Fatuous
Romantic
Intimacy
Intimacy
Consummate
Companionate
Commitment
Passion
Passion
Passion
Commitment
Commitment
20
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Dirty jokes in mixed company. . .
• do not bother me.
• make me very uncomfortable.
• Masturbation. . .
• is wrong and will ruin you.
• helps one feel eased and relaxed.

21
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Sex relations before marriage. . .
• should be permitted.
• are wrong and immoral.
• ruin many a happy couple.
• are good in my opinion.

22
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Unusual sex practices. . .
• might be interesting.
• dont interest me.
• When I have sexual dreams. . .
• I sometimes wake up feeling excited.
• I try to forget them.

23
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Dirty jokes in mixed company. . .
• are in bad taste.
• can be funny depending on the company.
• Petting. . .
• I am sorry to say, is becoming an accepted
  practice.
• is an expression of affection, which is
  satisfying.

24
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Unusual sex practices. . .
• are not so unusual.
• dont interest me.
• Sex. . .
• is good and enjoyable.
• should be saved for wedlock childbearing.

25
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Dirty jokes in mixed companies. . .
• are coarse, to say the least.
• are lots of fun.
• When I have sexual desires. . .
• I enjoy them like all healthy human beings.
• I fight them, for I must have complete control of
  my body.

26
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Unusual sexual practices. . .
• are unwise and lead only to trouble.
• are all in how you look at it.
• are OK as long as theyre heterosexual.
• usually arent pleasurable because you have
  preconceived feelings about their being wrong.

27
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Sex relations before marriage. . .
• in my opinion, should not be practiced.
• are practiced too much to be wrong.
• As a child, sex play. . .
• is immature and ridiculous.
• was indulged in.

28
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Unusual sexual practices. . .
• are dangerous to ones health and mental
  condition.
• are the business of those who carry them out and
  no one elses.
• When I have sexual desires. . .
• I attempt to repress them.
• they are quite strong.

29
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Petting. . .
• is not a good practice until after marriage.
• is justified with love.
• Sex relations before marriage. . .
• help people adjust.
• should not be recommended.

30
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Masturbation. . .
• is wrong and a sin.
• is a normal outlet for sexual desire.
• is all right.
• is a form of self-destruction.

31
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Usual sex practices. . .
• are awful and unthinkable.
• are all right if both partners agree.
• If I had sex relations, I would feel. . .
• all right, I think.
• I was being used, not loved.

32
0------------1------------2------------3----------
--4------------5------------6Not at all
ExtremelyTrue for me True
for me

• Masturbation. . .
• is all right.
• should not be practiced.

33
To reverse scores0 6 1 5 2 4 3 3

• Reverse items
• 1, 4, 5, 8, 9,
• 11, 14, 16, 17,
• 20, 22, 23, 26, 27
• 30, 32, 34, 36, 38, 39
• 42, 43, 26, 47, 49

• 0-99 Low
• 100-199 Medium
• 200-300 High
• Sex Guilt

34
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Sexuality
• Attitudes toward premarital sex
• ? have more permissive attitudes
• Sexes agree that premarital sex permissible in
  committed relationships
• Sexual double standard OK for ? but not ? to
  have sex early in relationship
• Sexes agree that they want their spouse to have
  limited sexual experience

35
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Sexuality
• Attitudes toward extramarital sex
• Assumptions about ? who have affairs
• Love involved
• Less likely to have multiple affairs
• ? are more likely to have affair
• Separate sex from love
• See sexual pleasure as valid reason for affair

36
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Sexuality
• Motives for sex
• ? have recreational attitude
• Pleasure, tension release is goal
• Relationship not required
• ? have relational attitude
• Sex conveys intimacy, love
• Relationship integral
• Older respondents dont show sex differences

37
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Sexuality
• First sexual experiences
• Average age at first intercourse 16-17
• Boys have sex earlier than girls
• Boys may be more popular after having sex not so
  for girls
• About half of high school graduates have not had
  sex
• Girl virgins usually proud
• Boy virgins usually embarrassed

38
Nature of Romantic Relationships

• Sexuality
• First sexual experiences
• Feelings about first sex
• Men more positive than women
• Both sexes feel anxiety
• Men report more pleasure
• Women report more guilt
• Women more positive when relationship is serious

39
Maintaining Relationships

• Maintenance strategies
• Five categories of maintenance strategies
• Tasks sharing household chores
• Positivity being kind to spouse
• Assurance clear commitment
• Network family friends involved in
  relationship
• Openness self-disclosure

40
Maintaining Relationships

• Maintenance strategies
• Wives display more openness, networks shared
  tasks
• Best predictor of couples commitment is wife
  assurance
• Wives accommodate to husbands preferences
• People who score high in expressivity and/or
  femininity put more effort into relationship

41
Maintaining Relationships

• Marital satisfaction
• Gender roles
• Traditional gender roles ? lowest satisfaction
• Androgynous ?highest satisfaction, longest
  relationship
• Power distribution
• Power differential
• Egalitarian most satisfied because of equity
• Husband-dominant next most satisfied
• Wife-dominant least satisfied

42
Maintaining Relationships

• Marital satisfaction
• Characteristics of him but not her
• Temperament
• Types
• Positive temperament affectionate, excited
• Negative temperament nasty, enraged
• Mens marital satisfaction tied to own
  temperament
• Womens tied to own husbands temperament
• Husbands emotions affect wifes emotions (but
  not vice versa)

43
Conflict

• Areas of conflict
• Women
• Autonomy
• Openness
• Equity
• Men
• Romance

44
Conflict

• Conflict management
• Men
• Avoid/distract avoid escalation
• Coercion, aggression, control tactics
• Negativity bias Interpret lack of loving
  behavior as hostility
• Women
• Negativity
• Positivity bias Interpret lack of hostility as
  love

45
Conflict

• Demand/withdraw pattern
• Wife demands (nags)
• Husband withdraws
• Jealousy
• Men Sexual infidelity
• Women Emotional infidelity

46
Gay Lesbian Relationships

• Relationship development
• Gays emphasize physical characteristics
• Lesbians emphasize personality characteristics
• Relationship initiation
• Out of friendship most common
• Gays place greater emphasis on sexuality
• Lesbians place greater emphasis on intimacy

47
Gay Lesbian Relationships

• Intimacy and sexuality
• Lesbian have greater intimacy then heterosexual
  couples
• Gays versus heterosexual men
• Less faithfulness
• More partners
• Equal frequency of sex

48
Gay Lesbian Relationships

• Relationship satisfaction
• No difference in satisfaction of married
  heterosexual and gay or lesbian couples
• Relationship satisfaction based on same issues as
  for heterosexual couples
• Jealousy
• Gay men and lesbians Emotional infidelity

49
Cohabiting Relationships

• Who cohabits
• Less educated, lower income
• Previously married
• Outcomes
• Half end within a year
• (marriage 30 or breakup 70)
• Married couples who cohabited gt divorce
• (50-200 more likely)

50
Cohabiting Relationships

• Reasons for high divorce after cohabitation
• Selection bias
• Less traditional views of marriage
• Women more career oriented financially
  independent
• Men less financially successful
• Poorer communication skills

51
Cohabiting Relationships

• Reasons for high divorce after cohabitation
• Selection bias
• Qualitative differences between cohabiting
  marriage
• Less satisfaction w/ relationship
• Higher rates of domestic child abuse
• Lower marriage quality

52
Cohabiting Relationships

• Reasons for high divorce after cohabitation
• Selection bias
• Qualitative differences between cohabiting
  marriage
• Changes in relationship between cohabiting and
  marriage
• Division of labor
• Broadened view of family