Repartnering with Children

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Repartnering with Children

• Daniela Zimmermann,
• Training Manager

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The Stepfamily Association of Victoria (SAVI)

• SAVI is a not- for- profit community organisation
  whose vision is to inspire a society that
  recognises supports and values stepfamilies
  equally with other family forms to achieve their
  highest potential.
• 1981 SAVI began as a facilitated peer support
  group and now has grown to become a
  professionally resourced organisation
• providing information, education and support to
  stepfamilies,
• raising community awareness about stepfamily
  issues and
• providing training for professionals

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National Association in the Making

• All State Stepfamily Associations have formed a
  National Steering Committee and are working
  together to develop a national stepfamily
  association during 2008, which will provide a
  stronger voice for stepfamilies and support
  development of services and resources

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What's in a name Stepfamilies or

• Blended families
• Repartnered families
• Instant families
• Cohabitating families
• Patchwork families
• Synergistic families
• Reconstituted families
• Reorganised families
• Combined families

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
5
Stepfamilies, a developmental model compared to a
deficit model

• Grief matters Born out of loss
• Biology matters Intimate strangers
• Timing matter Parent/Child relationship
  predates couple relationship
• History matter 2 cultures collide

?
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Stepfamily Myths

• Love always develops between the stepchild and
  the stepparent.
• Children of divorce and remarriage are forever
  damaged by losses and changes.
• All stepfamily members will, given time, like or
  love each other.
• Relating to children is the same whether they are
  biological children or stepchildren.
• Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more
  easily if the non-residential biological parent
  withdraws from contact.

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
7
Stepfamily Definition

• A stepfamily is a partnership with at least one
  adult having a child or children from a previous
  relationship.
• The adult relationship can be formal or informal
  eg. through marriage
• The adults can live together or in two separate
  households
• Children can live in the household full time,
  visit on a regular basis or be absent most or
  all of the time

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Contemporary Families
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Stepfamily Statistics

• The ABS (2007) reports the current proportion of
  stepfamilies as 10.6 a 35 increase over 10
  years from 7 in 1996 (ABS 1998)
• SAVI, however, believes that if excluded
  part-time and non-resident families were taken
  into consideration, the estimate would be much
  higher

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
10
Stepfamily Statistics

• Couples in both step (56) and blended families
  (39) were more likely than those in intact
  (official language) families (8) to be in a de
  facto marriage (ABS 2003)
• No regular records exist of the breakdown of de
  facto relationships, nor of the breakdown of
  second marriages, since the Family Court stopped
  collecting statistics of second divorces in 1994.

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
11
Stepfamily Complexities

• No blood ties,
• born out of loss
• adult child relationship predates couple
  relationship
• unclear boundaries
• sexuality can be heightened
• grieving process or emotional separation might
  not be finalized

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
12
Stepfamily Architecture
Possible additional Issues Drugs Alcohol Domestic
Violence Financial Problems Sexual
Abuse Disabilities Mental Health Housing Unemploym
ent etc.
Nuclear Family
Stepfamily
?
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Abuse higher in stepfamilies (According to one
report from Queensland in 2006)

• Report states that 29 per cent of all
  substantiated child sexual abuse, 26 per cent of
  physical abuse, 24 per cent of emotional abuse
  and 17 per cent of neglect occurred in step or
  blended families. On average abuse rates in step
  or blended families were about eight times
  higher.
• Report by Queenslands Commission of Children and
  Young people and Child Guardian
• Snapshot Children and Young People in Queensland
  2006 report

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Stepfamily Stages

• ? Honeymoon / Fantasy
• ? Confusion
• ? Chaos
• ? Stability
• ? Commitment

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Possible unspoken contracts between the new couple
Stepparent
Biological Parent
? Irene Gerrard
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• .

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Grief and Loss in Stepfamilies

• Loss of the idea of previous relationship will be
  happy ever after
• Loss through death of partner and parent
• Loss of familiar school, house, friends by moving
• Potential loss of extended family
• Emotional separation might not be finalized

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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Shifting between houses
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Differences in Parenting Roles in Stepfamilies

• The Step/Biological Feedback Loop
• Biological Parent Stepparent
• Too soft Too harsh
• Easily manipulated Too critical
• Too accommodating Old fashioned parenting
  ideas
• A push over Always on stepchildren's
  backs
• Spoils children Doesnt know
  and understand stepchild/ren

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
20
Power Issues

• Too strong adult coalition
• Sense of helplessness for child/children
• Strong parent child coalition
• Stepparent is left out
• Two strong parent child coalitions
• Two armed camps
• Strong remaining ex-spouse coalition
• Insecure new partner, poor couple relationship

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Parenting Styles
Often stepparent position
Often biological parent position
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Expectations

• Expectations seen, expressed,

• Expectations aware but not expressed

• Expectations unaware

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Questions to ask the couplein a stepfamily

• How would your partner know that he/she is
  important to you?
• If your partner knew how important he/she is to
  you, would he/she be more generous towards your
  children?
• If your partner saw you to be more generous to
  his/her children, would that make your partner
  feel closer to you?
• Give observation task as homework to couple, What
  happens when ?

? Irene Gerrard
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Difficult or Untenable Repartnering Contracts
(often unspoken)

• For my partner to
• Provide what my previous partner didnt
• Provide what my previous partner did
• Help me parent my children (my way)
• Make up for my ex-partners inadequate parenting
• Help me to continue wage battle with my ex

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Difficult or Untenable Repartnering Contracts
(often unspoken)

• Allow me to continue a strong attachment to my
  ex-partner
• Become part of my family system, not vice versa
• Rescue me and my children from previous hardship
  and pain
• Forgo some/all contact with their child/children

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Stepfamily Dynamicsaffecting Children in
Stepfamilies

• Divided LoyaltiesIf I like my stepmother, Im
  disloyal to my mum
• Contact with both biological parentsEx-spouses
  are part of new stepfamily
• New relationship with StepparentNo shared
  history with stepparent
• Different coping strategies to change eg.
  aggression, depression, school refusal
• Losing position in family eg. oldest, youngest

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
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versus
The negative impact on children by conflicting
parents will have much more lasting damage than
whether children eat sugar cereal or not.
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Children in the middle

• Brainwashing or debriefing?

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How separation may affectchildren Birth to 2
Years

• Lengthy separation from primary care giver can be
  very stressful
• A high level of conflict between ex-partners is
  extremely stressful
• Most afraid of being abandoned
• Unable to comfort themselves
• Become increasingly cranky

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It cant be a competition
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How separation may affectchildren 2½ - 5 Years

• Separation can be a time of crisis for these
  children
• Children may show their distress by a change in
  sleeping habits, toilet habits or a deterioration
  in language skills
• They may experience a short period as being a
  much longer time than it is for an adult.
• They may be confused by time and days
• They are sensitive to criticism about either
  parent

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New traditions

• New rules

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How separation may affectchildren 5 8 Years

• Children are able to talk about their feelings.
• They often have an intense wish to restore their
  parents relationship and say and do things they
  hope will bring this about.

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(No Transcript)
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How separation may affectchildren 8 12 Years

• They experience a conflict of loyalty between
  each parent and, if the conflict between parents
  is high, they may try to cope by rejecting one
  parent or trying to keep both happy by saying
  negative things about one to the other.
• They are also beginning to experience the world
  outside their family. They have sporting and
  other interests and social commitments.

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Positives More Role Models
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How separation may affectchildren 12 16 Years

• Adolescents are increasingly independent of their
  parents.
• They need to be given time and space to work out
  their own reactions to their parents separation.
  
• If pressured by either parent, adolescents are
  likely to react with anger and rejection.
• They particularly need flexibility in
  arrangements to allow them to participate in
  normal adolescent social activities and school
  events.

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Childrens Behaviour

• Behaviour
• Feelings
• Thoughts

Physiological symptoms
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Identifying client issues withthe help of a
genogram or family map

• Key to genogram

married
divorced
in relationship
female
male
Note Where children reside an equal amount of
time with both parents draw solid links around
both families
2
13
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Unborn child
13 year old girl and 11 year old boy
2 year old girl
A solid line is drawn around the family where
child/ren predominantly reside
A dashed kine is drawn around the family with
whom children have contact visits
Zigzag drawn between individuals symbolises that
there is a difficult or distant relationship
Triple parallel lines symbolise closeness
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Case example 1

• Sue is feeling overwhelmed at the present. Tom,
  her husband of 2 years has a 12 year old girl and
  a 9 year old boy from a previous relationship.
  Sue has a 7 year old boy and a 5 year old girl
  from her first marriage. Together Tom and Sue
  have a 6 month old boy. Toms 9 year old boy and
  Sues 7 year old boy are fighting constantly.
  Toms biological children live 50 with him and
  Sue and 50 with his ex-partner. Sues biological
  children see their father every second weekend.

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• Communication is everything
• A man wants to hang a painting. He has the nail,
  but not the hammer. Therefore it occurs to him to
  go over to the neighbour and ask him to lend him
  his hammer.
• But at this point, doubt sets in. What if he
  doesnt want to lend me the hammer? Yesterday he
  barely spoke to me. Maybe he was in a hurry or,
  perhaps, he holds something against me. But why?
  I didnt do anything to him. If he would ask me
  to lend him something, I would, at once. How can
  he refuse to lend me his hammer? People like him
  make other peoples life miserable. Worst, he
  thinks that I need him because he has a hammer.
  This has got to stop! Suddenly the guy runs to
  the neighbour's door, rings, and before letting
  him say anything, he punches him in his face and
  screams You can keep your hammer, you bastard!"

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Case example 2

• Children move 50 between houses

8Yrs.
Linda
Maria
Theo
Andy
3Yrs.
8Yrs.
42
38
46
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12Yrs.
Georgia
2
14
17
4
Melissa
Michael
Katie
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Adolescents and stepfamilies

• Forms of extrusion
• Subtle disengagement
• Open hostility
• Threats of Expulsion
• Temporary extrusion
• Permanent extrusion
• Banishment

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Factors greatly impending on stepfamily
consolidation

• Couples limited ability to resolve conflict
  without rigid rule setting
• Couples fear of failure
• Adults insist adolescent spend more time with
  them
• Scapegoating adolescents
• Few family support

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
45
Factors greatly impending on stepfamily
consolidation

• An acrimonious relationship between biological
  parents
• Intense loyalty conflict for adolescents
• Unresolved mourning for nuclear family
• Neither biological parents household accepts
  adolescents as they are

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Case example 3

• Suzys parents and sister who has a mental
  disability live next door.

Kerrie
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Paul
Helen
Suzy
Roberto
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46
40
28
3
1
38
14
16
Mario
Mena
Simone
Nicole
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Case example 3

• Questions
• What are the biggest issues these two
  stepfamilies have to deal with?
• How could you in your professional capacity
  support the two couples in improving their
  stepfamily?
• What would you suggest to be addressed in a
  multigenerational stepfamily meeting?

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What should be avoided in Stepfamilies

• Over disciplining stepchildren
• Under disciplining own children
• Putting unrealistic expectations on stepfamily
  members

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
49
For stepfamilies to grow faster they need to
move forward more slowly
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What facilitates success in Stepfamilies

• Stepfamily Meetings
• Develop new traditions
• Develop good couple relationships
• Encourage humour and fun

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
51
Stepfamilies dont just have a family tree.
they have family forests
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What facilitates Success in Stepfamilies

• Biological fathers to mother more
• Stepmothers to take time out with her friends,
  work and extended family
• Minimize conflict with ex-partner

? Stepfamilies Australia Irene Gerrard,
Margaret Howden, Steve Martin, Daniela
Zimmermann, Simone Young
53
Success in Stepfamilies
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Contact Details

• Daniela Zimmermann
• Training Manager
• Stepfamily Association of Victoria
• www.stepfamily.org.au
• 199 Drummond Street
• Carlton VIC 3053
• Phone [phone]
• danielaz_at_stepfamily.org.au