What I Did on my Summer Holiday

1
What I Did on my Summer Holiday
A. Author, B. Contributor, A.K.A. Statistician,
D.D.S. Guru
School of Dental Medicine, State University of
New York at Buffalo, Buffalo, NY, USA
Results Check out that chart. This is really top
quality data. Look at the title - 80,000 strokes
- can you believe how it felt to do that? The
vertical scale is in microns. I did this down in
Peter Bushs lab in the basement hes got bunches
of microns down there. What is really neat about
the graph is that although there is actually no
statistical difference between the stuff, it
looks like it because I stretched the graph out
vertically with the mouse. OK so the text looks a
little stretched but the colors are neat. The
pictures look pretty good too. I got them off the
internet somewhere while I was shopping for a new
car.
Introduction Somehow I was persuaded to abandon
the thoughts of golf and lazing around by the
pool. Instead, infused by dreams of fame and
scientific rectitude I yearned to join the ranks
of immortals such as Louis Pasteur and Francis
Crick. Although much has been written in the
scientific literature, many questions remain such
as the effects of cold fusion on endodontic
sealants or perhaps harnessing perpetual motion
for a new kind of slow speed. Anyhoo, for a
couple of grand Id do just about anything.
Objective The hypothesis of this research is
that within six weeks, all deadlines can be met
and all obstacles canl be overcome. Or not.
Fig 183 Incontrovertible evidence that I showed
up in the lab at least one day
Conclusions Ive probably never wasted my time
on anything as much as I have doing this. Its
just as well I dont get graded on this. On the
other hand, I got paid to do it.
Materials and Methods Basically you go in the
lab and mess around with a bunch of stuff thats
been gathering dust since your faculty mentor
joined the School (approx. 200 BC). Intensive
review of the literature shows that everybody who
has investigated the topic previously (and there
are a lot of them) used methods which are a)
irreproducible or b) impossible or c) in Chinese.
As for materials, the companies who made the
products that are being tested have spent
millions of dollars to ensure that they are the
same as all other products, so the results are
guaranteed to show nothing. However, creative use
of statistics and clever manipulation of the data
can lead to a certain trip to the IADR which next
year is in Hawaii. Which, if you wondering, is
why statistics is part of the curriculum.
References T. Hildebrand and P. Rüegsegger The
effect of sniffing eugenol on temporomandibular
pain. .Journal of Microscopy, 18567-75, 1996 T.
Hildebrand and P. Rüegsegger The effect of
sniffing eugenol on temporomandibular pain.
.Journal of Microscopy, 18567-75, 1996 T.
Hildebrand and P. Rüegsegger The effect of
sniffing eugenol on temporomandibular pain.
.Journal of Microscopy, 18567-75, 1996 T.
Hildebrand and P. Rüegsegger The effect of
sniffing eugenol on temporomandibular pain.
.Journal of Microscopy, 18567-75, 1996
Spotty results without blobs. I think this was
the control but it may have gotten contaminated.
Not so spotty results with blobs
Author