Raising Good Children: 10 Things Parents Can Do

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Raising Good Children 10 Things Parents Can Do

• Dr. Thomas Lickona
• www.cortland.edu/character

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A project of The Center for the 4th and 5th Rs
The Institute for Excellence Ethics (IEE)
SMART GOOD SCHOOLS INITIATIVE MAXIMIZING THE
POWER OF CHARACTER
Major support for the Smart Good Schools
Initiative provided by the John
Templeton Foundation For more information
www.cortland.edu/character
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No-Brainers

• Whats the hardest job there is?
• Whats the job for which we get the least
  training?
• Whats the job that gets harder all the time
  because of the stresses on families and the
  negative influences of the wider culture?
• Who has the greatest impact on kids character
  development?

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• Loving is natural
• Parenting is not.
• Parenting skills are learned.
• -Gil and Tanya Gockley

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• God sends us
• children to teach us humility.

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Raising Good Children 10 Things
Parents Can Do

• Know what good character is and make it a high
  priority.
• Be an authoritative parent.
• Love children.
• Teach by example.
• Manage the moral environment.

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Raising Good Children

• 6. Use direct teaching to form conscience and
  habits.
• 7. Discipline wisely.
• 8. Solve conflicts fairly.
• 9. Provide opportunities to practice the
  virtues.
• 10. Foster spiritual development.

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• Principle 1
• Know what good character is and make character
  development a high priority.

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• 10 Essential Virtues

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• Wisdom
• Justice
• Fortitude
• Self-control
• Love
• Positive attitude
• Hard work
• Integrity
• Gratitude
• Humility

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• Make character development a deliberate goal of
  family life.
• Take the long view
• View children as adults-in-the-making.

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• Recent studies find that adults who were
  overindulged as children have difficulty coping
  with lifes disappointments.
• They have a distorted sense of entitlement that
  gets in the way of success both in the workplace
  and in relationships.
• -Newsweek, September 13, 2004

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• Principle 2
• Be an authoritative parent.

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• Parents must have a strong sense of
• moral authority
• their right to be respected and obeyed.

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• 3 styles of parenting
• Authoritarian
• Permissive
• Authoritative.

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• At all developmental levels, the most confident
  and responsible children have authoritative
  parents.

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The importance of supervision

• The most academically motivated and morally
  responsible teensand the ones least likely to
  engage in risky behaviorsare those who
• Enjoy warm and involved relationships with their
  parents
• Have parents who set clear expectations and
  monitor their adolescents activities in
  age-appropriate ways.
• -Building a Better Teenager,
• Child Trends 2002 research report,
  www.childtrends.org

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• One survey of elementary school children found
  that when they crave something, most expect to
  ask 9 times before
• their parents give in.
• -Newsweek, September 13, 2004

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Ways to Say No

• No.
• No, and thats final.
• No, and dont ask me again.
• I have thought about it, and the answer is no.
• I know you know how to nag. It wont work.
• Nice try, the answer is still no.

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• Have a zero tolerance policy for disrespectful
  speech and behavior.

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• Principle 3
• Love children.

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• Love involves . . .
• Time
• Communication
• Sacrifice.

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• Principle 4
• Teach by example.

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• The stands we take define our values.

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• Principle 5
• Manage the Moral Environment.

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Media Facts

• The average child sees about 100 commercials a
  day.
• The average young person consumes nearly 7 hours
  of electronic media a day.
• Three-quarters of 6th-graders have their own TV
  in their bedrooms.
• Kids and Media at the New Millennium ,
  www.kff.org

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The Power of the Media

• By 16, the average child sees about 200,000 acts
  of TV violence.
• There is a causal connection between kids
  viewing TV violence and aggressive behavior.
• Kids who watch the most violent TV are the most
  violent.
• Kids who dont imitate media violence are
  desensitized by it.

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Family Media Guidelines

• We use media to promote family life and good
  values.
• The use of any media (TV, VCR, Internet, etc.) in
  the home requires parents permission and
  presence.
• Have a family meeting to explain your reasons for
  these guidelines.

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RECOMMENDATION

• Consider having
• NO TV
• while you have children in the home.

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• Principle 6
• Use direct teaching to form habits and
  conscience.

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Dads Two Sets Of Threes

• On honesty
• Never lie.
• Never cheat.
• Never steal.
• On adversity
• Dont whine.
• Dont complain.
• Dont make excuses.
• -John Wooden, Wooden

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• 7 Ethical Tests
• The Golden Rule.
• What if everybody did it?
• The parents test.
• The religion test.
• The conscience test.
• The consequences test.
• The front-page test.

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Conscience Has 2 Parts

• Understanding that something is right or wrong
  (moral judgment).
• Understanding why it is right or wrong (moral
  reasoning).
• Moral reasoning develops in stages.

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Stage 0 Egocentric Reasoning (appears around
age 4)

• I should get my own way
• Reason to be good to get rewards and avoid
  punishment
• ______
• Ages indicate reasonable developmental
  expectations for a child of normal intelligence
  growing up in a supportive moral environment.

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Stage 1 Unquestioning Obedience (appears around
kindergarten age)

• I should do what Im told.
• Reason to be good to stay out of trouble.

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Stage 2 Whats-in-it-for-me Fairness (early
elementary grades)

• I should look out for myself but be fair to
  those who are fair to me.
• Reason to be good Self-interest Whats in it
  for me?

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Stage 3 Interpersonal Conformity (upper
elementary grades and early to mid-teens)

• I should be a nice person and live up to the
  expectations of people I know and care about
• Reason to be good So others will think well of
  me and I can think well of myself.

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Stage 4 Responsibility to the System (high
school years or late teens)

• I should fulfill my responsibilities to the
  social or value system I feel part of.
• Reason to be good To keep the system from
  falling apart and to maintain self-respect as
  someone who meets my obligations.

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Stage 5 Principled Conscience (young adulthood)

• I should show the greatest possible respect for
  the rights and dignity of every individual and
  support a system that protects human rights.
• Reason to be good The obligation of conscience
  to act in accordance with the principle of
  respect for all human beings.

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• Principle 7
• Discipline wisely.

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When kids do something wrong, require them to . .
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• Say, Im sorry.
• Say why they are sorry.
• Ask, What can I do to make up for it? (make
  restitution)

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• Principle 8
• Solve conflicts fairly.

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• The Fairness Meeting
• Achieve mutual understanding.
• Find a solution everyone thinks is fair.
• Have a follow-up meeting to discuss how its
  working.

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• Principle 9
• Provide opportunities to practice the virtues.

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• Character development is not a spectator sport.
• Virtues are habits that develop through practice.
  

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• Principle 10
• Foster spiritual development.

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• Each of us is engaged in a
• lifelong search for
• a life worth living.
• -F. Washington Jarvis,
• With Love and Prayers

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• We are able to live and even to die for the sake
  of our ideals and values.
• -Viktor Frankl, Mans Search for Meaning (1959)

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I see so many people just going through the
motions get into a good school, so you can get
into a good college, so you can get a good job,
so you can get a better job, so you can get rich
and die. Recent High School Graduate
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An Analysis of My Life

• 1. Are you generally satisfied with what you
  have done so far in your life? Explain.
• 2. What obstacles, if any, have interfered with
  your personal growth? What can you do to overcome
  them?
• 3. What is the most valuable lesson you have
  learned in your life thus far?
• 4. What goals have you planned for your future?
  What are you presently doing to pursue them?
• John Perricone, Zen and the Art of Public
  School Teaching

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100 GOALS1. Write 100 goals youd like to
achieve in your life.2. Divide them into
categories (career, family, adventure, service,
major accomplishments, etc.)3. Select your top
10 goals.4. Write a paragraph on your 1 goal.
Hal Urban
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Religion and Youth Character

• Teens who practice their religious faith show
• Higher levels of altruism
• Lower levels of theft, vandalism, violence, and
  drug and alcohol use.
• Less likelihood of sexual activity.
• -2002 Child Trends Research Brief, Religious
  Involvement and Childrens Well-Being
  www.childtrends.org

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For more resources on developing character in the
family or school

• Center for the 4th and 5th Rs
• www.cortland.edu/character