Im

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Im NOT your friend Parenting 101
Dr. Robert M. Atkinson, II
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Introduction
Agenda
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Introduction
Ground Rules

• The only bad question is the question that is not
  asked!!!
• What we cant answer goes into the Parking Lot
  for future follow-up

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Introduction
What is the purpose of this session?
You need a license to..
but not to have or raise a child
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Introduction

• We want to
• Review, discuss, and suggest skills and tools for
  successful parenting
• Assist in developing a road map to meet your
  goals
• Pull answers out of you and formalize their
  application (parents have the answers)
• Help you identify the strengths and knowledge you
  possess
• Confirm that parenting is the hardest and most
  rewarding job you will ever have

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Introduction
Session Outcomes

• We expect to..

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Introduction
Who am I?

• Dr Robert M Atkinson, II
• Father of three daughters and one son
• BS in Electrical Engineering, Iowa State
  University
• MBA in Management, Washington University (St
  Louis)
• PhD and MS in Industrial Administration, Carnegie
  Mellon University
• Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Award Examiner
  covering Business, Education, Health Care, and
  NonProfits
• Professor and Administrator, Florida AM
  University, University of Illinois, and Carnegie
  Mellon University
• Director of Business Planning, Global
  Procurement, Merck
• Commission to Study the Skills of the American
  Workforce
• First Lieutenant, Signal Corps, Army (Vietnam
  Veteran)

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Introduction
Who am I? (continued)

• City Marbles Champion
• City Horseshoe Champion
• State record in football throw 227 ft 8-3/4 in
  or 73 yards
• Governor of Boys State (2nd Black)
• President of Freshmen Class (First Black and
  independent)
• University Pool Champion, 4th in Nation
• Outstanding Basic Trainee and American Spirit
  Honor Award
• Honor Graduate, Officers Candidate School
• Carnegie-Mellons First Black PhD in Business
• Commission to Study the Skills of the American
  Workforce
• Traveled to all continents except Australia and
  Antarctica

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Introduction
Who am I? (continued)
Purpose isnt to highlight my accomplishments.
Its to show you can your children have no
limits where I come from I came from a family
with no college graduates father was a laborer
(smart car engine replacement) mother (focus on
English and music) born in IA (almost no
Blacks) apply to CMU (can only say no after I
was told I wasnt good enough
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Introduction
Who am I? (continued)

• Why would a professor of business be presenting
  information
• on PARENTING?
• To be successful in business, you need to know
• Adults act like children
• We all come to the table with childhood baggage
• Persuasion, negotiation, and commitment require
  knowing others
• Some values (respect and appreciation) are more
  important than money
• Effective communications is always an issue
• We tend toward assumptions, not facts
• RUNNING A FAMILY IS RUNNING A BUSINESS!!!

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xxxxxx
What are the observable facts?

• Your parental authority is constantly being
  challenged
• They know or have learned that if they beg, ask,
  attack, cry, misbehave, put you on a guilt trip,
  embarrass you, and rationalize all day--every
  day, youll give in
• Your children will embarrass you in public.
• They learn where your buttons are and push, push,
  push..
• TEACHING VALUES TAKES TIME!!!
• weight loss, golf, the game, shopping, my
  space, bills, work

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What establishes the right environment?

• Create a positive environment
• Identify the real messages?
• Believe and reinforce that your child(ren) can
  learn (dont use dumb and stupid)
• Make sure every moment is a learning opportunity
  (modeling future family family behaviors)
• Get help and share (friends)there is power in
  sharing- I cannot see whats wrong with me and
  my teen- Emotional blinders- Good friends will
  see right through to the problems- Dont be
  afraid of the truth- Not in it alone-
  Compliment others and their children

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps?

• Dr Gary Hill, psychologist, Family Institute of
  Northwestern
• University suggests
• Model good values
• Apologize when you make mistakes
• Use everyday to experiences to create
  conversations
• Share your religion with your children
• Share personal experiences
• Hold your child accountable for mistakes
• Dont let children take the easy way out of
  challenges
• Encourage your children to help others
• Monitor TV viewing and Internet use
• Applaud good behavior

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 1. Model good values
• They watch you like hawks an absorb (even when
  theyre not looking) like sponges
• If you say it and dont do itlater, theyll
  IGNORE you
• Practice what you preach--doing what you say
  builds reinforcement
• Explain changes/disappointments in their language
  when it makes sense
• They want attention (I exist), signs of being
  important/priority, and acknowledgement

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 2. Apologize when you make mistakes
• Apologizing and saying Im sorry are both signs
  of respect
• Youre making it easier for them to say Im
  sorry
• Dont place your baggage on your children
• Dont place your frustrations or anger on your
  children

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Get the male elephant clip for young males Get
the dimensions of character, e.g., discipline,
responsibility, decisiveness, punctuality, etc.
(each is a book)
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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 3. Use everyday experiences to create
  conversations
• Use the news
• Use your children or other children
• Share an observation
• What would you have done? Why?
• Ask open-ended questions
• Discuss behaviors, e.g., manners, teasing,
  cursing, etc.

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 4. Share your religion with your children
• Whats right, wrong, ethical, and moral?
• What should give them hope?
• What should give them strength?
• Where can they go for answers?
• How will they grow and proper when Im no longer
  here?

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 5. Share personal experiences
• Missing holes in the road, bridge gone
• Share what experiences taught you a lesson
• Include good choices, bad choices, and how you
  might have done things differently
• Times are different, but the mistakes are similar

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 6. Hold your child accountable for mistakes
• Dont rush in to make things better, they need to
  experience consequences
• If you rescue children from their mistakes, they
  wont take responsibility for their actions (life
  lesson)
• We grow through sadness, not laughter

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 7. Dont let children take the easy way out of
  challenges
• Require your children to finish what they start
  (there are exceptions)
• Quitters dont develop perseverance and
  responsibility

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 8. Encourage your children to help others
• Use simple acts of kindness
• Get them involved in service projects
• Opportunity to practice generosity, compassion,
  and respect

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 9.Monitor TV viewing and Internet use
• Waiting requires unlearning before learning
• YOU determine how they interpret wrong and right
  dont leave it to someone else
• You cant shelter them, but you can help them
  determine jewels from garbage
• Put PCs in public areas of the home their
  bedroom is unacceptable use parental controls
  (look at their logs)
• Put TVs in public areas
• During a controversial show, turn it off or
  discuss it what are the lessons? If you dont
  talk to your children DAILY, you leave them open
  to peer pressure, entertainment industry, e.g.,
  Internet, TV, movies, video games, and music

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What are Dr. Hills 10 steps? (continued)

• 10Applaud good behavior
• Compare the time/effort to scold versus time to
  praise
• I didnt praise them because thats what their
  supposed to do
• Share your appreciation in front of relatives and
  other people
• Be specific

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What is required to establish the right
environment? (continued)

• What do girls need?????????
• Boys/men are like dogs, they need lots of petting
  and appreciation (Mars/Venus)
• Draw clear lines, e.g., when Im playing and when
  Im no longer playing
• Keep them activechannel that energy
• Ritalin (behavior modification) for Attention
  Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD) versus
  riding a bicycle, running, playing ,etc.

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Do they join the family or the gang?

• The conditions
• Families/schools have become ineffective and
  alienating social agents
• Conventional adult supervision is largely absent
• Teens have lots of unsupervised discretionary
  time
• Few career options such as jobs
• No supervised location to congregate
• Compare to characteristics of schools, families,
  churches
• Remember the words, family and gang, have similar
  purposes
• To be around family and friendspowerful social
  network
• To provide protection

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What mentality is required?

• Parents are above the judge, jury, prosecution,
  and defense
• Out game your child- Kids will play the guilt
  card in a heartbeat- Always have one more answer
  than they do
• You know youve won when the response is
  whatever or no response at all
• Never, never, never operate out of anger
• Its your child, not your spouse

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Tools
What is participative listening?

• We all tend to be defensive when we feel we are
  under attack or being judged
• Thinking instead of listening
• Works with marriages
• Constant yelling desensitizes childs listening
• Constant threats of consequences are
  counterproductive
• State the facts (observation--not perception or
  evaluation)
• TELL ME WHAT I JUST SAID

B
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Tools
How to win without yelling or being physical?

• Use questions
• questions force them to think, listen, and
  respond
• questions replace lectures
• Example what would you do to a sibling or
  child? (sets up a family discussion)
• Example What is the appropriate punishment?
  (override minimal punishment and write the
  response in a contract)
• Listen to their feedback
• So this is what youre saying
• Use polar opposites to make your point (use
  extremes)
• Choke them on their own words
• ROLE PLAY

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Tools
not yelling or being physical? (continued)

• What are the results
• Short term I hate what youre doing to me
• Long term I know that you care
• They will learn to respect your authority
• They are never free to do what they wantthere is
  authority in every phase of life

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Tools
How do you create life lessons?

• Use every interaction to TEACH (place them in the
  role of
• parent)
• What would you do to your child?
• What lesson would you want your child to learn?
• What consequences would there be?
• As a parent, why would this be important?
• How would you know that your child understood?
• What would you do if they repeated the mistake?

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How important are RESPECT, APPRECIATION, and
VALIDATION?

• I love you
• I appreciate you
• Im proud of you
• Mercks research
• Try it
• use a spouse, a sibling a relative, or a friend
  and see what happens

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How important is VALIDATION?

• ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE
• Wifes expectations after cooking a great meal
• Husbands expectations after cleaning without
  being asked
• Example of man getting babys milk (Venus/Mars)
• Catch your child doing something right
• Compare investment in no to investment in yes

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How do you gain commitment?

• Use biased negotiations (and you still have the
  ultimate power)
• Use questions to get participation
• Get input and participation for buy in
• Have them set the consequences for their
  choices- What are the consequences for breaking
  an agreement?- Nothing or minimumunacceptable
  - If I dont go to work, I dont get paid
  (consequence) consequence must match poor
  performance
• Resources are power (FAMU privacy versus funds)

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What is the FAMU Model?

• Professional Development focused on
• Freshman Dependability
• Sophomore Responsibility
• Junior Accountability
• Senior Leadership

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Look up importance of rituals and symbols
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How do you create dependability?
DEPENDABLE reliable worthy of trust do what
youre told Difference between lessons and
life Cant be a parent and a friend Model the
behavior you want to see Boys/men are like
dogs Get mars/venus example How can you have the
keys to the car?
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(No Transcript)
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How do you create responsibility? (continued)

• RESPONSIBILITY accepting the positive/negative
  consequences of your actions (no excuses)
• Engage them with questions of responsibility-
  Constantly, put it on them- Throw their actions
  back in their face
• I dont want to talk and you dont want to talk
  when they want to, e.g., a request to go
  somewhere or buy something
• Is going to your room a consequence or reward?-
  What do your children have in their room?- Take
  everything out- Let them earn each item before
  it is returned
• Assess value, i.e., what is important to them
• HIT THEM WHERE IT HURTS!

Reconnaisance spy
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How do you create accountability?

• ACCOUNTABILITY accepting responsibility for the
  positive/negative consequences of others (no
  excuses)
• Clearly define punishments and rewards
  (negotiated early)
• Have child decide with your input and approval
• Here are the rules for a discussion- No answers,
  no rewards or yes for a request

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How do you create leadership?

• LEADERSHIP inspiring/motivating others to do a
  task
• Being the oldest child

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Moving to self-sufficiency
They need a shoulder to lean, just like you
needed one
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Messages heard vs what is said

• You lost that race! vs Did you give your best
  effort?
• These grades are terrible vs Are you happy
  with these results?
• Dont act like your father vs you will not be a
  son who does these behaviors

Earn rather than give Entitlement vs earn
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M

• Clothes- Skin tight jeans- Rolling book bags
  include a change of clothes- Clothes are with a
  girlfriend
• Be a parent- Nothing is sacred- Go through
  their rooms- Read their diariesyou live in my
  house and everything in here belongs to me
• Life has consequenceslearn it today or pay
  dearly tomorrow
• Dr. Phil Your primary job is to protect your
  childeven if it is against her/himself

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Other videos on parenting
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Competing with Chinese Kids 2005-10-64 Good
Morning America
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What values do you want to instill in your
children?
Respect kindness honest courage perseverance
self-discipline
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• You are
• The military
• The CIA
• The FBI
• The police
• The parent
• Privacy doesnt exist

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• Every control system requires a feedback loop
• You cant make adjustments if you dont know
  whats going on
• Set up a neighborhood/friends network- Show up
  unexpectedly- Talk to parents without them
  knowing- Keep track of arrival/departure times-
  Double/triple check every answer you receive

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They have to believe that youre crazy
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Talk, talk, talk
Every second of interaction is an opportunity for
a lesson Be HONEST Say what you think9 times
out of 10, youre RIGHT You never want to hear
they say You never told me or If only you
had told me
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• Lesson Learned When we lie about things,
  consequences are more severe Now is your chance
  to come clean

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• Set up contracts- contracts require
  understanding (lesson)- dont sign what you
  dont understand (lesson)- have them set the
  consequences (lesson)- misinterpretation doesnt
  occur- play Judge
• Feed them their own words (make them eat the
  word)
• Chores

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Opportunities to share lessons learned Dr. Phil
importance of parents on sons and
daughters Greatest impact in same sex
parent Choose partner who is same/opposite of
opposite sex parent If youre going to ask Dad,
youd better have your argument together Dad what
are you fixing? If it was a 1 million, could you
get it?
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Tell me what you hear?
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• Communicate
• Talk to you children (what activity is more
  important?)
• What did they do right? What did they do wrong?
• You put in the effort early or late, but you
  going to put it in
• Be honest (tell Robert about college)

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How do we measure progress?

• Improvements in real communication
• Better behavior
• Less parental aggravation

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Black Father (racial composition of audience)
BLACK FATHER by Ruth Cabbage   Whatever you
decide to be, just be the best that you can
be. The greatest thing your child will ever see
is you! Whoever you may be.   Whatever you decide
to be, just be the best that you can be. Don't
settle for anything that's second best. I'm
sorry, Second best will not pass this test.  
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Black Father (continued)
If you decide to live it up. If that's the best
that you can do, That's good! That's cool! Just
do it right, cause your child will want to do it
too.   If you decide to pop some pills. If that's
the best that you can do. Go on! Right on! Just
get the best, cause your child will want to pop
pills too.  
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Black Father (continued)
Whatever you decide to be, just be the best that
you can be. Your child is gonna look up to
you, whatever you decide to do.   Whatever you
decide to be, just be the best that you can
be. To your daughter, you are the Rock of
Gibraltar. To your son, a bright and shining
star. So don't miss your chance to be
somebody, cause they'll be like you whoever you
are. 
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Black Father (continued)
If you decide you dont like your neighbor, If
that's the best that you can do. Then just be as
low down dirty mean as you can to your
neighbor, so your children learn to be mean
too.   It you decide you'd rather receive than to
give. If that's the best that you can do. Then
take, take the best, and don't give nothing. so
your child can learn to take it from you.  
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Black Father (continued)
But, if you decide that you are somebody. and
that's the best that you can do, then show the
world that you are somebody. and your child will
be somebody too.   Whatever you decide to
be, just be the best that you can be, cause the
greatest gift you'll ever give your child is
you! Whoever you may be