Tower,%20come%20in%20...

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Tower, come in ...
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An excerpt of the most curious but authentic (!!)
radio communications between Jet-Cockpit and
Tower-Air Controllers
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• Tower To avoid noise, please turn right 45
  degrees .
• Pilot What noise could we possibly make at
  35.000ft?
• Tower The noise your 707 will make when
  colliding with the 727 before you!'

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• Tower Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?
• Pilot An A 340, of course!
• Tower Well then, would you please start your
  other two engines before taxiing to take-off?'

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• Pilot Good morning, Bratislava.
• Tower Good morning. Please note This is
  Vienna.
• Pilot I am now on landing approach to
  Bratislava.
• Tower This really is Vienna.
• Pilot Vienna?
• Tower Yes.
• Pilot But why? We wanted to go to Bratislava.
• Tower 'Okay. Then abort your landing approach
  and turn left.'

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• Tower to a pilot that landed REALLY hard
• A landing shouldnt be a secret. Its all right
  for the passengers to know when theyre down.
• Pilot Thats okay. They always clap anyway.'

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• Pilot from an Alitalia flight, who lost half his
  cockpit instruments when a lightning hit him
• We nearly lost everything. Nothing works
  anymore. Even the altitude indicator doesnt show
  anything ........
• After 5 minutes complaining, the voice of another
  pilot comes over the commOh shut up and die
  like a man!'

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• Pilot Theres a landing light burning.
• Tower I hope there are more than that burning.
• Pilot I mean, the landing lights smoking.'

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• Pilot Were running low on fuel. Please
  advise.
• Tower 'What is your position? We dont have you
  on our scope.
• Pilot Were standing on runway 2 and are
  waiting for an eternity for the fuel truck.'

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• Tower Do you have any problems?
• Pilot I lost my compass.
• Tower The way you fly, you lost all the
  instruments.'

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• Tower After landing, go to Taxiway Alpha 7,
  Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2.
• Pilot Where on earth is that? We dont know our
  way around here.
• Tower Thats all right. Im only here for two
  days myself.'

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• Pilot Tower, request take-off clearance.
• Tower 'Sorry , we dont have your flightplan.
  Where do you want to go?
• Pilot Like every Monday, to Salzburg.
• Tower But today is Tuesday!
• Pilot 'What? Then its our day off!'

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• Pilot Is there no Follow-me-Car?
• Tower 'Negative. Why dont you get to the gate
  yourselves.'

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• Tower Height and position?
• Pilot I am 1.80 m and Im sitting in the front
  on the left side.'

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• Tower to a private plane
• How many souls on board?
• Pilot 'Pilot, two passengers and a dog.
• Tower, after a hard landing
• I take it the dog did that landing?'

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• Tower Do you have enough fuel or not?
• Pilot Yes.
• Tower Yes, what?
• Pilot Yes, Sir!!!'

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• Tower Please give us your estimated arrival.
• Pilot 'Hmmmm... Tuesday would be nice for me.'