Dealing With Conflict

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Dealing WithConflict
GAEL Secretaries Conference September 13, 2007

• Don Rooks
• Georgia School Boards Association

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How do We Deal With Conflict?
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Watch Your Language!

• More about this later.

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Is Conflict Inevitable?

• Yes!

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Conflict is Inevitable

• We will face conflict everyday.
• But, it can be managed or resolved in ways that
  result in positive outcomes.

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Secretaries Know That The Greatest Cause of
Conflict Is

• Change!

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Secretaries Know ThatConflict Can Produce Bad
Results

• When there are threats and accusations resulting
  in blame and anger
• When issues proliferate from one to many
• When specifics are replaced by general issues
  from a specific behavior to the entire
  relationship

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Conflict Can Produce Bad Results

• When concern for self turns into retaliation,
  resulting in a desire to hurt another or to get
  even
• When the number of parties increases, resulting
  in factions or cliques

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What Can We Learn About Conflict?
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Lessons from the Geese

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Fact 1

• As each goose flaps its wings, it creates an
  uplift for the birds that follow. By flying in a
  v-formation, the whole flock adds 71 greater
  flying range than if each bird flew alone.

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Lesson 1

• People who share a common direction and a sense
  of community can get where they are going much
  quicker and easier because they are traveling on
  the thrust of one another.

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This, Then, is a Lesson on the Importance of
Harmony in Our Relationships
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Fact 2

• When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly
  feels the drag and resistance of flying alone.
  It quickly moves back into formation, to take
  advantage of the lifting power of the bird
  immediately in front of it.

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Lesson 2

• If we have as much sense as a goose, we stay in
  formation with those headed where we want to go.
  We are willing to accept their help and give our
  help to others.

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This is a Lesson on the Importance of Cooperation
in Our Relationships
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Fact 3

• When the lead goose tires, it rotates back into
  the formation and another goose flies to the
  point position.

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Lesson 3

• It pays to take turns doing the hard tasks and
  sharing leadership. As with geese, people are
  interdependent on each others skills,
  capabilities and unique arrangements of gifts,
  talents and resources.

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This is a Lesson on the Importance of Supporting
One Another
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Fact 4

• The geese flying in formation honk to encourage
  those up front to keep up their speed.

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Lesson 4

• We need to make sure our honking is encouraging.
  In groups where there is encouragement, the
  production is much greater. The power of
  encouragement is the quality of honking we seek.

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This Lesson Teaches Us That Caring Is Important
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Fact 5

• When a goose gets sick, wounded or shot down,
  two geese drop out of formation, and follow it
  down to help and protect it. They stay with the
  fallen goose until it dies or is able to fly
  again, and only then do they launch out with
  another formation or catch up with the flock.

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Lesson 5

• If we have as much sense as geese, we will stand
  by each other in difficult times as well as when
  we are strong.

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And finally, We Learn from the Geese That Courage
is Important
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To Summarize It Is Important In Our
Relationshipsto Build Harmony, Cooperation,
Mutual Support, Caring for One Another, And to
Have the Courage of Our Convictions
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Overview

• Perception
• Conflict
• Dealing With Conflict
• Dealing With A Chronic Complainer

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Overview

• Five strategies for dealing with conflict.
• Three types of needs that produce conflict.
• Three processes that are used universally to
  resolve conflict.

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Conflict is Inevitable

• The issue is not whether we will experience
  conflict - we will!
• The issue is how we will respond to it.

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We See Conflict Expressed Daily in Newspaper
Headlines
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Recent Headlines

• Auditors Question Spending by DA
• School Brawl Ends in Stabbing
• The Debate Over Illegal Immigration
• Judge Demands Details on Jail Taser Use
• Safety in the Skies Divides Air Traffic
  Controllers, FAA

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Secretaries Have Learned That

• We act in accordance with the truth
• not as it is,
• but as we believe it to be.

Lou Tice Investment in Excellence
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Secretaries Know This Important Fact

• Satisfied needs do not motivate.
• Its only the unsatisfied need that motivates.

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Secretaries Know That the Way People See Things
Their Perception or Their Mental Image Is Very
Important
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Secretaries Want to KnowHow Does Perception
Impact Conflict?
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The Role of Perception in Conflict

• Many times there is no problem.
• Big conflicts often are based onno problem at
  all because people get upset based on their own
  perception (mental image) of reality.

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Secretaries Know That

• Perceptions determine emotions (feelings)
• Emotions determine behaviors
• Behaviors determine outcomes

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Secretaries Want to Know What Things Influence
Our Perception?

• Our Experience
• Our Goals
• Our Values

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Secretaries Know That There Are Three Possible
Ways to Perceive Reality

• How I see things - based on my own experience,
  goals and values
• How you see things - based on your experience,
  goals and values
• How things really are - the best chance of
  success in problem solving

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Secretaries Now Know the Following

• Our perception of reality influences our
  responseseven if we know we do not have all of
  the informationabout what actually occurred.

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Secretaries Want to Know What Stimulates
Conflict?

• The Belief (which may not be true) thatIf you
  get what you want, I cant get what I want.
• BehaviorsActually, a collision of behaviors
  One or both parties interfere with the goals of
  the other.

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Three Kinds of Needs The Sources of All Conflict

• Resources Needs -
• not enough
• Psychological Needs
• to be somebody to win self-esteem
• Needs Based on Values -
• Beliefs people hold most dear

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Secretaries Want to Know What Can Cause
Conflict to Escalate?

• Accusations and threats.
• Moving from a single issue to multiple issues.
• Generalizing from the specific problemto the
  entire relationship.

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Actions that May Escalate Conflict

• Turning feelings into hate.
• Wasting energy on getting even.

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Actions that May Escalate Conflict

• Turning feelings into hate.
• Wasting energy on getting even.
• Enlisting others to help fight the battle.

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The Conflict Escalator
Hostility
Anger
?
Frustration
Conflict
Peace
Peace
Rooks Educational Services
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Secretaries Know That The Greatest Conflict
Resolution Skill Is Listening!!
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To Be a Good Listener, We Should

• Seek first to understand,
• then to be understood.

Steven Covey The Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People
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Secretaries Know That There Are Two Powerful
Messages We Send When We Listen to Others

1. You are Valued.
2. You are Understood.

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Secretaries Also Know That There Are Two Reasons
We Listen

1. To Respond.
2. To Understand.

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Secretaries Know That All Listening Is Not Equal
There Are Five Levels of Listening

• Empathic
• Attentive
• Selective
• Pretending
• Ignoring

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How Can Secretaries Become Better Listeners?

• Practice Rapid Repeat
• Put other thoughts out of your mind
• Dont talk too much
• Put yourself in the other persons shoes
• Face the person, lean slightly forward, and make
  eye contact

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Secretaries Know That Communication MeansShared
Understanding
Sender
Receiver
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But Secretaries Also Know That There Are Barriers
to Understanding
Noise Daydreaming Response Thoughts Movement
Receiver
Sender
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There Are Only Three Ways to Resolve Conflict

• Negotiation Discussion without a third party
• Mediation - Includes a neutral third party who
  cannot make a binding decision
• Arbitration - Includes a third party who can make
  a decision binding on both parties

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Secretaries Follow the Rules for Managing Conflict

1. They identify the problem.
2. They focus on the problem.
3. They attack the problem, not the person.
4. They listen with an open mind.

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Avoid These Fouls to Manage Conflict Well
(Watch Your Language!)

• Blaming, threats, name calling.
• Bossing.
• Making excuses.
• Not listening.
• Getting even.

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How Does The Golden Rule Fit In?

• What Is It?
• Does following it build good chemistry in
  relationships?

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Five Tips To Build Chemistry Instead Of Conflict

• Watch Your Language!

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Five Tips To Build Chemistry Instead Of Conflict

• Live by the Platinum Rule

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The Platinum Rule

• Do unto others the way they want to be done unto.

Tony Allesandra The Platinum Rule Insight, No.
165, p.20
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Five Tips To Build Chemistry Instead Of Conflict

• Watch Your Language
• Live by the Platinum Rule
• Recognize that conflict is inevitable, and
  develop your own strategies for dealing with it
• Become a good listener (not a pretender)
• Stay calm and think things through

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Before Conflict Is ResolvedFour Preconditions
for Reaching Conflict Resolution Must Exist

• A concern for mutual gain
• Knowledge that helping you meet your needs can
  help me meet my needs
• Flexible on solutions firm on interests
• Willing to negotiate to find solutions that
  satisfy both parties needs

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Four Preconditions for Reaching Conflict
Resolution

• Creativity
• Develop a Plan B
• Be willing to brainstorm solutions
• Separation of people from the problem
• Be soft on people
• Be hard on the problem

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Secretaries Know What They Can Do To Manage
Conflict

• Have patience.
• Stay calm. Control your temper.
• Practice Good listening skills.

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Secretaries Know What They Can Do To Manage
Conflict

• Ask good questions.
• Think things through.
• Ask the key question What can I doto resolve
  the problem?

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Five Strategies Secretaries Can Use To Manage
Conflict

• Yield
• Unilaterally give in to the other person.
• Withdraw
• Abandon the conflict.
• Inaction
• Procrastinate (believe the problem will solve
  itself or deny there is a problem)

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Five Strategies for Managing Conflict

• Contend
• Only one of us will win, and its going to be
  me!
• Problem Solve
• Get to a win-win solution in which both parties
  believe they have won.
• Helga Rhode, Psy. D.
• Dealing with Conflict Communication

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Helpful TipsSecretaries May Use When The Contend
Strategy Is Used

• Discuss the present and future dont place blame
  for past wrongdoing
• Allow the other person to state their point of
  view without interrupting
• Express your feelings rather than dramatize them

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How Can Secretaries Deal With The Chronic
Complainer?
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Understand Their Motive

• They want someone else to solve their problem.
• Complaints are defense mechanisms against
  self-blame.

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How Do Secretaries Describe the Chronic
Complainer?

• They feel powerless to deal with problems they
  know about - but you can, so its your problem.
• They make accusations.
• They have a strong sense of what ought to be.
• To themselves, they are morally perfect.

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Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use With Chronic
Complainers

• Listen attentively, but dont fall into the trap
  of apologizing.
• Ask questions Have them check out facts for
  themselves.
• Ask them what they intend to do help them stay
  in a problem solving mode.

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Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use With Chronic
Complainers

• If they complain about a third party, ask them if
  theyve discussed the problem with that party.
  Suggest they meet. Ask if you can tell the third
  party what they said.
• Never accuse a complainer of complaining.

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Coping Skills Secretaries Can Use With Chronic
Complainers

• Ask questions that dont challenge their ideas
  this helps them rethink those ideas.
• Ask questions that require them to review their
  plans and review their consequences - then praise
  their knowledge.

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Dealing WithConflict
GAEL Secretaries Conference September 13, 2007

• Don Rooks
• Georgia School Boards Association