Finding Your Voice: Assertiveness Skills

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Finding Your VoiceAssertiveness Skills

• Womens Summit
• University of Montana
• November 13, 2008

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Why learn to be more assertive?

• Helps you avoid
• Depression (helpless, hopeless)
• Resentment
• Frustration
• Temper/violence
• Anxiety, which leads to avoidance
• Physical issues (headaches, ulcers, high blood
  pressure, etc.)
• Poor relationships

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Why learn to be more assertive?

• The way we communicate with others and with
  ourselves ultimately determines the quality of
  our lives. Anthony Robbins
• Relationships slowly disintegrate, one failed or
  missing conversation at a time. Susan Scott
• the meek do not inherit the Earth, they serve
  those who are self-confident and self-assertive.
  
• Dean Koontz

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Assertiveness Quiz

• 1. Do you buy things you do not want because you
  are afraid to say no to the salesperson?
• No. You know that you have a right to say no and
  to make choices.

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Assertiveness Quiz

• When you do not understand the meaning of a word,
  do you ask about it?
• Yes. You take responsibility for getting your
  needs met. Fear of seeming ignorant does not
  prevent you from asking questions.

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Assertiveness Quiz

• Do you feel responsible when things go wrong,
  even if it is not your fault?
• No. You take responsibility your own behavior,
  but not for things beyond your control. To feel
  responsible for things that are out of your
  control leads to unnecessary guilt.

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Assertiveness Quiz

• Do you look directly at others when you talk to
  them?
• Yes. You dont over-do it, but eye contact is
  assertive and suggests sincerity, self-confidence
  and the expectation that others will listen.

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Assertiveness Quiz

• Do you often text or email someone about a
  conflict instead of talking to them face to face?
• No. You can have a face to face conversation
  about an issue, even if its a bit uncomfortable.

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Assertiveness Quiz

• Do you feel intimidated by people in authority?
• No. You can be respectful without allowing
  status to intimidate you.

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Assertiveness Quiz

• Do you generally have good posture?
• Yes. Good posture communicates a positive
  self-image. (When posture is limited by a
  disability, good eye contact and facial
  expression can be used to express a positive
  self-image.)

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Assertiveness Quiz

• Do you often feel so angry you could scream?
• No. You can work to get your needs met and not
  let situations build to the point of crisis.

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Assertiveness Quiz

• Do you know how to ask for help without feeling
  dependent?
• Yes. You can ask for help without feeling
  dependent because you maintain a strong sense of
  self-worth and self-respect.

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Assertiveness Quiz

• If someone cuts in front of you in line, do you
  usually tell them off?
• No. Telling someone off is an angry, aggressive
  response. You know you can speak up and say you
  are next and ask the person to move to the end of
  the line.

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What keeps us fromspeaking up?
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What is assertiveness?

• The middle ground between being a bully and a
  doormat

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Assertiveness is

• Being direct and appropriately expressive
• Standing up for yourself stating your opinions,
  feelings and thoughts without blaming the other
  person
• Respectful of others opinions, feelings and
  thoughts

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Assertiveness is NOT

• A guaranteed way to win every argument
• A guaranteed way to get what you want
• A way to get others to feel like you feel or
  think like you think
• Telling everybody everything all the time

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Aggression is

• Standing up for yourself but violating the rights
  of someone else.
• Attacking the person instead of the problem
• Likely to establish a pattern of fear and
  avoidance of the aggressor

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Non-assertive/passive behavior is

• Failing to stand up for yourself
• Avoiding the problem
• Likely to establish a pattern of others taking
  advantage of you

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Getting Ready to be Assertive

• Thoughts and feelings are not right or wrong
• FACTS are correct or incorrect, but thoughts are
  just thoughts
• Feelings are not logical, so are not right or
  wrong

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3 parts to assertive communication

• 1. empathy/validation I know youre stressed
  by trying to be on time
• 2. statement of problem but when you follow me
  around I get flustered
• 3. request from now on can we agree what time
  we need to leave by and if youre ready first,
  give me some space?

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How to be effectively assertive

• Use assertive body language
• Face the other person, stand or sit straight
• Pleasant, serious facial expression
• Voice calm and soft, not whiny

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How to

• I statements
• Take responsibility for your own feelings
• Removes right and wrong from the conversation
• Avoid you make me feel statements
• Gives over control to others
• Blames others for what is going on inside you

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You statements

• Often means you are volunteering to be a victim,
  or blaming someone else
• Blame often leads to arguing about whos thoughts
  and feelings are right
• Your feelings are neither right nor wrong
• Others feelings are neither right nor wrong

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Use facts, not judgments

• Did you know that your shirt has some spots on
  it?
• not
• Youre not going out like that, are you?

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Own your thoughts and feelings

• I get angry when he breaks his promises.
• not
• He makes me so angry.

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Focus

• Focus on specific behavior, not generalities
• specific I was frustrated when you didnt
  return my text
• general Youre so irresponsible, it really
  makes me mad.

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Make clear requests

• Would you be willing to
• Will you please
• Dont count on
• Why dont you
• Would you mind

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Not Assertive

• Generalizing
• Youre just being mean.
• Presenting something as fact
• This is just the way its done or Youre wrong
  to feel that.
• Attempting to coerce
• If you dont do it my way

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Making Requests

• What would you like to be different?
• I was frustrated when you didnt answer my text.
  I would really appreciate it if you would get
  back to me quicker.

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For difficult situations, try

• Broken record keep repeating your point in a
  low level, pleasant voice
• Fogging deflect negative, manipulative
  criticism by agreeing with the fact, but retain
  the right to change your behavior
• Content to process shift stop talking about the
  problem and bring up a problem behavior
• Defusing let them cool down before discussing
  further
• Summarization you check out if you are
  understanding the other person

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Challenges and limits

• I told someone how I felt and it didnt do any
  good
• Assertiveness is not a guarantee that someone
  will chose to change
• It may be challenging at first because it is
  breaking old rules

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To get started

• Start with small, less important issues
• Start with people you dont know sales clerks,
  phone solicitors, etc.
• THEN, practice with people you know and have
  relationships with

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Remember

• Its a conversation, NOT a monologue
• AVOID attempting to be assertive by texting,
  emailing, etc.
• These are NOT conversations, they are
  declarations. Often an attempt to get control
  while avoiding the tough conversation.

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The good news

• Once you get more used to being assertive, you
  will feel more effective in general
• Once you have some successes you will feel more
  confident
• Assertiveness can become a habit, so requires
  little thought after a while
• Once you are more assertive, you probably will
  not need to use the techniques that much
• When you respect yourself, others will too

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Lets practice a little

• Think of a current situation in your life that
  has been bothering youjust a minor annoyance
• Write down how you would like to approach the
  person.
• Remember the 3 parts
• 1. Empathy/validation
• 2. Statement of problem
• 3. Request

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Your Rights

• You have the right to
• Express feelings in ways that do not violate the
  dignity of others
• Change your mind
• Make mistakes (and take responsibility)
• Express positive feelings toward others
• Be non-assertive in chosen situations
• Say no without guilt
• Be angry when mistreated
• Get what you pay for/not be cheated
• Make your own decisions and live your life as you
  choose