Jokes

1
Jokes
2
Joke

• Two women on the way back from a night out stop
  in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny
  with her knickers and the other uses a
  wreath.Their husbands were in the pub the next
  day and the first man says "I'd better watch my
  wife, she came home last night with no
  knickers!"The other man says "That's fuck all,
  mine had a card wedged up her ass saying we'll
  never forget you, from all the boys at the fire
  station."

3
Joke

• The 5 worst things about being a penis is ...1.
  You have a hole in your head.2. Your best friend
  is a cunt.3. Your next door neighbors are 2 nuts
  and an asshole.4. Every time you get excited you
  throw up.5. You always are wearing a collar.

4
Joke

• Little Johnny was in church with his mom for
  Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack
  impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
  She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast
  as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the
  bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and
  nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass
  for the door. Less than a minute later, he
  returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the
  look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did
  you make it all the way to the bushes,
  Johnny?""I didn't have to go that far, mom.
  Just as I got to the front door, I found a box
  that had a sign on it FOR THE SICK."

5
Joke

• Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk
  and wake up in jail. They find out that they're
  to be executed for their crimes but none of them
  can remember what they have done.The first one
  is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if
  he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest
  and I believe in the almighty power of God to
  intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw
  the switch and nothing happens so they figure
  God must not want this guy to die, and let him
  go.The second one is strapped in and gives his
  last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in
  the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the
  part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and
  again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on
  this guy's side, they let him go. The last one is
  strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical
  engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll
  never electrocute anybody if you don't connect
  those two wires." God rest his soul.

6
Joke

• It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was
  decided only to accept people who had really had
  a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was
  standing at the pearly gates and said to the
  first man, "Tell me about the day you died."The
  man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife
  was having an affair, so I came home early to
  catch her with him. I searched all over the
  apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I
  went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th
  floor, and found this man hanging over the edge
  by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer,
  and started hitting his hands. He fell, but
  landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator
  and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed
  him. The strain of the act gave me a heart
  attack, and I died."St. Peter couldn't deny
  that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was
  a crime of passion, he let the man in.He then
  asked the next man in line about the day he died.
  "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man.
  "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th
  floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and
  slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the
  balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac
  came out and started pounding on my fingers with
  a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But,
  then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"St.
  Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided
  he could really start to enjoy this job."Tell
  me about the day you died?", he said to the third
  man in line."OK, picture this, I'm naked,
  hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

7
Joke

• Two deaf people get married. During the first
  week of marriage, they find that they are unable
  to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off
  the lights because they can't see each other
  using sign language. After several nights of
  fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife
  decides to find a solution."Honey," she signs,
  "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
  instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
  me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one
  time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over
  and squeeze my right breast one time."The
  husband thinks this is a great idea and signs
  back to his wife, "Great idea. Now if you want to
  have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis
  one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
  over and pull on my penis 50 times."

8
Joke

• A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the
  local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits
  down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want
  for Christmas little girl?"."I want a Barbie
  and a GI Joe" says the little girl."But Barbie
  comes with Ken" Santa says,"No, Barbie only
  'cums' with GI Joe!"

9
Joke

• The school phoned me today and said "Your son
  has been telling lies!"I said "Well tell him
  he's bloody good. I ain't got any kids!"

10
Joke

• A young boy and his grandfather went fishing one
  afternoon, after a couple of hours of fishing,
  the grandfather opened a can of beer, the
  grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have
  a sip of your beer?" His grandfather looked at
  him and said, "Grandson, Is your penis long
  enough to touch your ass?" The grandson replied,
  "No!""Then you're not old enough.", said the
  grandfather.A couple of more hours went by, and
  the grandfather lit a cigarette. Again the
  grandson noticed and asked, "Grandpa, can I have
  a cigarette"? The grandfather replied, "Is your
  penis long enough to touch your asshole?" Again
  the grandson replied, "No!""Well you're not big
  enough to smoke yet.", said the
  grandfather.About an hour had passed and it
  began to get late, so the grandfather decided to
  pack it up and head for home. On their way home
  they stopped at a store, grandpa bought two
  lottery tickets and gave his grandson one.
  Grandpa scratched his off, but didn't win
  anything, The grandson scratched his off and won
  10,000. Grandpa was all happy and surprised that
  his grandson had won and he asked, "Are you going
  to give some of that money to grandpa?" The boy
  looked at him and replied, "Grandpa, is your
  penis big enough to touch your ass?" Grandpa
  looked at him for a moment, then replied,
  "YES!""Good, then go fuck yourself!", said the
  grandson

11
Joke

• Consul "Your name please?"Saudi
  "Abdul-Aziz."Consul "Sex?"Saudi "Six time a
  week."Consul "I mean, male or female?"Saudi
  "Both male and female sometime even
  camels."Consul "Holy cow!"Saudi "Yes, cows
  dogs too."Consul "Man, isn't that
  hostile?"Saudi "Horse style, dog style, any
  style!"Consul "Oh dear!"Saudi "Deer? No deer,
  they run too fast ...!"

12
Joke

• Two Kentuckians are walking down different ends
  of a street toward each other, and one is
  carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey
  Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?""Jus' some
  chickens.""If I guesses how many they are, can
  I have one?""Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll
  give you both of them.""OK. Ummmmm ... five?"

13
Joke

• Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a
  bad skydiver?A bad golfer goes WHACK ...
  "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes "Damn"! ... WHACK.

14
Joke

• What's a perfect breakfast for a woman?She's
  sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.Her
  son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.Her
  daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her
  boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her
  husband is on the back of the milk carton.

15
Joke

• A man says to his wife "Tell me something that
  will make me both happy and sad at the same
  time."His wife replies "You have a bigger
  willy than your brother!"

16
Joke

• Three Pastors were having lunch together at a
  diner.The first Pastor said "Ya know, since
  summer started I've been having trouble with mice
  in my church. I've tried everything. Noise,
  spray, cats. Nothing seems to scare them
  away."The second Pastor then said "Yea, me
  too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of
  the church. I've set traps and even called an
  expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't
  go away."With a grin on his face, the third
  Pastor said "I had the same problem so I
  baptized all mine and made them members of the
  church ... Haven't seen one back since!"

17
Joke

• You wanna hear a dirty joke?A boy in a white
  shirt fell in the mud.You wanna hear a dirtier
  joke?He got back up and fell back down.You
  wanna hear a clean joke?He took a bath with
  Bubbles.You wanna hear the dirtiest joke so
  far?Bubbles is the girl next door.

18
Joke

• A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his
  father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are
  there?"The father, surprised, answers, "Well,
  son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her
  20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and
  firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears,
  still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are
  like onions.""Onions?""Yes, you see them and
  they make you cry."This infuriated his wife and
  daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
  kinds of 'willies' are there?"The mother,
  surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
  goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy
  is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s
  and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
  reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas
  tree.""A Christmas tree?""Yes - dead from the
  root up and the balls are just for decoration."

19
Joke

• "Doctor doctor I only got sixty seconds to live
  ...""Can you wait there for a minute please!"

20
Joke

• An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
  for a number of years. He went to the doctor and
  the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
  of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to
  hear 100 .The elderly gentleman went back in a
  month to the doctor and the doctor said "Your
  hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
  pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman
  replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I
  just sit around and listen to their
  conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

21

• A recent study found that 35 of men have been
  injured while undoing a woman's bra.That's
  correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing
  devise, men have received strained tendons,
  scratches, and other similar injuries.Actually,
  I can vouch for that. I got injured today while
  trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the
  woman in front of me in the checkout line, she
  turned and hit me with a can of peas

22

• A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
  mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and
  says to her husband, "I feel horrible I look
  old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
  compliment ..."The husband replies "Your
  eyesight's damn Perfect."

23

• This guy finally gets a date with the girl of his
  dreams. She tells him that before they can go
  out, he has to come over and have dinner with her
  family. Well the guy isn't too fond of the idea
  but the woman is too gorgeous to refuse.The
  rest of the day the guy worries and frets. He
  gets so worried that he starts to build up a lot
  of gas. But he makes it to her house and is
  invited inside. The dinner was great and
  afterwards the young woman's father starts to
  read the paper. The guy's gas has built to a
  level that his bowels cannot contain anymore so
  he decides to let a little fart go.Phht
  ...The father rolls down his paper at the sound
  and says, "Spot ..."The guy looks around
  confused by this comment and spies a old sheepdog
  behind his chair. Great the old man must think
  the dog is doing it! So he decides to let a
  bigger fart go.Phhhhttt ...The father takes
  off his glasses and rolls down his paper. "Spot!"
  he says in an annoyed tone.The guy feels much
  better and decides to let one more fart go to
  relieve all the gas.pppphhhhttttpow!The
  father rips his glasses off and throws the paper
  to the floor. "Spot you deaf bag of fur ... get
  away from him before he shits all over you!"

24

• The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
  street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
  walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
  his boots, so he arrests him for indecent
  exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why
  in the world are you dressed like this?"The
  Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I
  was in the bar down the road and this pretty
  little red head asks me to go out to her
  motorhome with her. So I did. We go inside and
  she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
  shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt
  and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
  Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
  pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on
  the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
  'Now go to downtown cowboy ...'. And here I am."

25

• Mother "How was your first day at school?"Son
  "It was all right except for some men called
  teachers who kept spoiling all our fun!"