The Art of Grandparenting

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The Art of Grandparenting

• Sean Brotherson, Ph.D., Extension Family Science
  Specialist
• Brenda Langerud, Extension Agent
• Divya Saxena, Extension Associate
• NDSU Extension Service
• North Dakota State University
• 2008

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Lesson Objectives

• Understand the unique roles of grandparents in
  the lives of grandchildren
• Identify needs and resources for grandparents
  caring for grandchildren in unique circumstances
• Plan practical steps to be involved with
  grandchildren and build closer relationships with
  them

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Nine Things to Remember When Grandchildren Come
to Visit

• 1. The voice of one 3-year-old crying is louder
  than those of 20 adults laughing.
• 2. A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint
  rock.
• 3. VCR/DVD players do not eject peanut butter and
  jelly sandwiches.
• 4. Always look in the oven before you turn it
  on. Plastic toys and cats do not like ovens.

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Nine Things to Remember When Grandchildren Come
to Visit

• 5. Play dough is not microwaveable.
• 6. When you hear the toilet flush and the words
  uh-oh, it already is too late.
• 7. Car keys are perfect for dropping down any
  vent.
• 8. Marbles in gas tanks make a lot of noise when
  driving.
• 9. Cats get dizzy when dropped down stairs while
  in a bag.

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The Art of Grandparenting

• Becoming a grandparent puts adults in the role of
  mentors to a new generation guiding, giving and
  engaging young people to see the future and what
  they can become.

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What Do Folks Say About Being a Grandparent?

• If I had known grandchildren were going to be so
  much fun, I would have had them first.
• If your baby never fusses, always sleeps through
  the night and is an absolutely perfect baby you
  are not the parent, you are the grandparent.

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Ourselves the Grandparents

• Were you close to a grandparent?
• Were/are your parents close to your children?
• How did you feel when your first grandchild was
  born?
• Can you see yourself as the emotional leader of
  your family?
• What are the things you uniquely can teach your
  grandchild?

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Multiple Roles of Grandparents

• What are some of the important roles grandparents
  play in family life?
• Storyteller
• Watchdog
• Family historian
• Supporter, nurturer
• Game player
• Someone to discuss problems with
• Joke teller
• Keeper of the faith

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Role of Grandparents What Do Family Members
Say?

• Grandparents are ______
• fun
• good sports
• patient and understanding
• supportive and enthusiastic
• devoted to their grandchildren
• Grandparents give ______
• time
• love
• gifts
• Grandparents dont ______
• disagree with parents in front of children
• disagree with the upbringing of grandchildren

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Activities for Grandparents and Grandchildren

• Joking and kidding
• Family get-togethers (birthdays, holidays)
• Talking about growing up sharing personal
  stories
• Giving advice or being a listening ear
• Going to church, other religious activities
• Working or doing chores together (running
  errands, gardening, etc.)
• Taking a day trip
• Teaching a skill or game (board game, fishing,
  crafts, etc.)
• Conversation and phone calls

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The Meaning of Grandparenting

• Its the only relationship known to man in which
  people are crazy about each other simply because
  they are breathing.

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What Grandparents Can Do

• Impart a sense of identity
• Provide unconditional love
• Represent hope for the future
• Be a source of stability and security
• Act as a mentor and teacher
• Exemplify positive values, ideals, beliefs
• Nurture emotional and physical well-being
• Be a role model and play companion

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Grandparenting in Unique Circumstances

• Grandparents sometimes face unique situations in
  family life, such as
• Maintaining good-quality relationships with
  parents of their grandchildren
• Grandparenting after parental divorce
• Grandparenting stepgrandchildren
• Grandparenting at a distance
• Grandparents raising grandchildren

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Relationships withYour Grandchilds Parents

• Have you talked with the parents about what kind
  of grandparent they would like you to be for
  their child?
• Have you told them what kind of grandparent you
  would like to be?
• Can you communicate with them?
• How can you be supportive of them?

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Old-fashioned Remedies for Trouble Spots with
Parents

• Trouble Spot - Parents are ignored as a key to
  the grandparent and grandchild relationship
• Remedy Try to keep on good terms with parents,
  especially in-laws avoid speaking ill of them,
  learn to see differences not as deficiencies

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Old-fashioned Remedies for Trouble Spots with
Parents

• Trouble Spot - Grandparents do not communicate
  well with parents or do not lead family
  communication
• Remedy Be the positive communication center of
  the family listen as well as talk, and call
  family members just to connect

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Old-fashioned Remedies for Trouble Spots with
Parents

• Trouble Spot Lack of listening to parents of
  grandchildren
• Remedy Work on being kind, understanding,
  compassionate, non-judgmental and supportive
  sometimes your love is more important than your
  lessons, though both are important

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Old-fashioned Remedies for Trouble Spots with
Parents

• Trouble Spot Being out of touch with todays
  society
• Remedy Spend time with all family members
  learn some things about technology and
  communication share things from your generation
  versus todays generation

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Trouble Spots and Remedies with Grandchildren

• Trouble Spot - Staying a parent and not becoming
  a grandparent
• Remedy - Understand the differences between what
  parents and grandparents do
• Trouble Spot - Lack of one-on-one time
• Remedy - Understand the strong need grandchildren
  have for unconditional love and allow time for
  this to happen
• Trouble Spot - Worrying about entertaining a
  grandchild
• Remedy - Realize this is a spontaneous, relaxed
  relationship

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Grandparenting Situations

• Day-care grandparents provide regular care but
  dont live with grandkids
• Living-with grandparents reside together but
  no legal custody
• Custodial grandparents grandparent has legal
  responsibility for grandchild

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Grandparenting After Parental Divorce

• Challenge Maintaining relationships with
  grandchildren before, during and after divorce.
• Most children have strong feelings of sadness,
  loneliness and anger
• Be - A safe harbor in a storm
• Special challenge to grandparents to avoid making
  negative comments about either parent
• Give everyday and extra attention

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Ways to Help Your Grandchildren Through Divorce

• Dont disparage your ex-son- or daughter-in-law
  in front of your grandchildren
• Remember holidays
• Be a good listener
• Become the unbiased, nonjudgmental confidante
  children need in a loving authority because most
  children have strong feelings of sadness,
  loneliness and anger
• Let your grandchildren know whatever they are
  feeling is OK
• Tell your grandchildren stories about challenges
  you have faced and overcome in your life
• Read together during a quiet time before they go
  to bed or in between activities during the day

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Grandparent and Caretaker Visitation Rights

• May find themselves without any legal right to
  maintain contact with the children they love
• All 50 states have some type of grandparent
  visitation statute
• Some states have restrictive visitation
  statutes
• Might consider requesting a mediation session
  with the childrens parents
• In most areas, courts give grandparents the right
  to reasonable visitation with grandchildren

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Grandparenting Stepgrandchildren

• Remember HIS, HERS, THEIRS Theyre all mine
  now
• These children already have a history
• These children already may have grandparents
• You need to blend with both their history and
  existing family as best as possible
• Also, seek to create your own special space and
  BE FAIR.

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Grandparenting at a Distance

• Contact, contact, contact
• Letter writing and e-mail
• Instant messaging and webcam
• Send newspaper clippings, cartoons, jokes
• Communicate by phone, audio/video tapes
• Send a photo of yourself T-shirt, hat or other
  item linked with you
• Know the names of their friends, school,
  teammates
• Cell phone, text messages, etc.

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Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

• Grandparent families are particularly vulnerable
  to challenges in keeping their grandchildren safe
  and meeting their basic needs.
• Though their needs are serious and unique, few
  programs assist intergenerational families.
• Grandparent caregivers may fall between the
  cracks of foster care, aging, education and
  disability service systems.

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Reasons for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

• The U.S. government estimates up to 2.5 million
  children are under the care of a grandparent.
  Why?
• substance abuse
• child abuse and neglect
• teenage pregnancy
• death of parent
• parental unemployment
• parental divorce or abandonment
• AIDS/HIV
• incarceration

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Grandparent Support Groups

• Share coping strategies
• Manage feelings such as anger, guilt
• Find encouragement and strength
• Exchange ideas and resources
• Improve problem solving
• Learn to laugh again

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Your Circle of Support Group Activity

• Consider the people on whom you can rely.
• Draw a Circle of Support a list of people you
  can count on to help in certain situations.
• Start with a bulls-eye in the middle would be
  the child/the family.
• The next circle contains the list of people we
  can count on in an emergency (e.g., other family
  members, closest friends, etc.).
• Next circle list occasional helpers (e.g.,
  neighbors, favorite baby sitters, the childs
  friends families, others in the support group).
• Last circle consists of outside resources,
  (e.g., agencies, schools, support services,
  etc.).

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Giving to the Next Generation

• Erik Erikson, a famous psychologist, taught that
  the most important task of adulthood is
  generativity the task of giving of yourself to
  the next generation.
• What are you giving?
• What are you giving to your grandchildren?

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Eight Best Giftsfor Grandchildren

• 1. Spend time one-on-one with grandchildren.
• 2. Listen for their concerns as well as their
  joys.
• 3. Send special letters and notes just for them.
• 4. Offer companionship for activities they enjoy.

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Eight Best Giftsfor Grandchildren

• 5. Share your history and family traditions.
• 6. Be a role model to show grandchildren that
  older people can be fun.
• 7. Show grandchildren acceptance just as they are
  while encouraging them to reach their potential.
• 8. Give the best gift of all love.

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Final Discussion Points

• Share a memory you have of time spent with your
  grandparent.
• If you have grandchildren, share an activity you
  like to do with them.