How to Handle Conflict

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How to Handle Conflict

• How to Confront Conflict in a Caring Way
• By Dave Batty

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Three aspects of handling conflict

• What is your attitude toward conflict?
• What does the Bible say about conflict?
• How do you respond to conflict?

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Key truth

• We are most useful in confronting conflict when
  we are not so much trying to change another
  person as we are trying to help them see
  themselves more accurately.

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What is your attitude toward conflict?

1. Conflict is not sin.
2. When someone causes conflict, they are not
   necessarily sinning.

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• Conflict is Normal Neutral
  Natural So Accept it!

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1. Learn how to accept conflict as a tool of God,
   not a trick of the devil.

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1. Conflict can be creative tension.

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1. Conflict can lead all involved to a clearer
   understanding of the will of God and a more
   effective ministry.

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1. A biblical approach to resolving conflict
   requires all parties involved to actively work
   for solutions that are filled with hope for all.

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A. Three common causes of conflict

• A struggle to understand Gods direction for the
  ministry. Acts 109-1118 Acts 151-35

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• I tried to tell him not to change to order of
  the Sunday morning service.

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1. Differences between persons. Acts 1536-41
   1 Corinthians 110-12, 1 Corinthians 34 46
2. Sinful motives 2 Samuel 11 Matthew 2112-16

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B. Healthy areas where conflict occurs

1. Over purposes and goals. Why are we here?
   What will we do?
2. Over programs and methods . How will we do
   it? Who will do it? When?

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1. Over values and traditions. Any organization
   over 5 years old has traditions

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Typical ways people respond to conflict
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Five Options for Dealing with Conflict1.
Competing I winyou lose
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2. Avoiding I want out
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3. Accomodating I will give in for good
relations
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4. Compromising I will meet you half way
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5. Collaborating I can care and confront
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Five Options for Dealing with Conflict

1. Competing I winyou lose
2. Avoiding I want out, Ill withdraw
3. Accommodating Ill give in for good relations
4. Compromising Ill meet you halfway
5. Collaborating I can care and confront

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Your past experiences with conflict

• ____1. How big of a problem has conflict been in
  your life?
• 1small problem 10big problem
• ____2. Growing up as a child teen, how often
  was conflict a part of your life?
• 1conflict was rare 10lots of conflict
• ____3. How much pain did conflict cause in your
  life?
• 1little pain 10lots of pain
• ____4. How much damage did conflict cause in your
  life?
• 1very little damage 10lots of damage

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Basic tools for handling Conflict

1. I messages vs. You messages

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B. Ways of confronting conflict without
being judgmental

1. Focus your feedback on actions, not the actor.
2. Focus your feedback on observations, not your
   conclusions.

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B. Ways of confronting conflict without
being judgmental

1. Focus your feedback on descriptions, not
   judgments.
2. Focus your feedback on ideas, information, and
   alternatives, not on advice and answers .

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B. Ways of confronting conflict without
being judgmental

• Focus your feedback on what and how, not why .
• What did you do?
• How did it affect others?

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Key truth

• We are most useful in confronting conflict when
  we are not so much trying to change another
  person as we are trying to help them see
  themselves more accurately.

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Biblical view on blessing and cursing

1. Gods promise to Abraham--Those who bless you, I
   will bless--Those who curse you, I will curse
2. Teachings of Jesus on blessing and
   cursing--Bless those who curse you

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Second look atYour attitude toward conflict

1. Embrace conflict
2. My eyes are toward growth
3. The essential need for respect

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Conflict Healthy person vs. dysfunctional
person

• You-healthy vs s/he-healthy
• You-healthy vs s/he-unhealthy
• You-unhealthy vs s/he-healthy
• You-unhealthy vs s/he-unhealthy

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Unhealthy Healthy

1. Focuses on whose 1. Focuses on how we fault is
   it. can solve things.
2. Blames others 2. Find acceptance
   and love in your weaknesses and
   failures.
3. You need to change! 3. Take ownership of
   your own failures.

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Unhealthy Healthy

1. Makes excuses 4. Takes responsibility
   for the situation.
2. I see myself as good 5. Give up on being
   perfect work hard to improve.
3. Denial 6. Honestnot taking more or
   less. Only taking the truth.

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Unhealthy Healthy

• I care about me 7. I care about you The
  bully and me.

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The Myth of Hidden Harmony

• Deep down, we all agree. There is no conflict,
  only poor under-standing. If only we understand
  each other, well agree.
• real cause misunderstanding?
• real cause real disagreement?

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How to confront conflict in a productive manner

1. Are you ignoring the white elephant in your
   living room?

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• You get what you tolerate
• If you do not confront conflict, and tolerate
  problemsthats what you will getmore problems.

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3. You can confront well or you can
confront poorly.

• If you fail to confront, you lose.
• If you confront poorly, you also lose.

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• Confront in such a way as to preserve the
  relationship with the other person.
• Stay connected with the personconflict
  resolution is a process.
• --solve the problem
• --focus on healthy living
• 6. Forgiveness

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How big is the conflict?

• Are they mountains or pebbles?
• Examples from the Bible
• A. God to Abrahamsacrifice your son
• B. Godstop crying, and get to work
• C. Pauls trials 2 Corinthians 18-11
  2 Corinthians 417-19

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How big is the conflict?

• Are they mountains or pebbles?
• Generational problems
• Is the conflict issue painful, but not sinful?
• Are others failing to see Gods call on your
  life?

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5. Abusive situations

• Are they mountains or pebbles?
• Many times the person abused was a child and
  failed to see the deep damage.
• The abuser is often manipulative
• --If you tell anyone, I will kill you, or your
  family
• --You really wanted it!

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Principles of handling an abusive situation

1. God values your life
2. God has harsh words for abusersMatthew 186
3. Principle of the greater value
4. Principle of safe boundaries Tough love
5. Can you separate the truth from the lies?

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6. When the solution creates more conflict
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7. How to respond to Bullies

1. Rudy Giulianis book Leadership has chapter on
   bullies
2. Some bullies are sweet and charming, but they are
   still bullies.
3. Only interested in what they want.
4. Issue of fear in dealing with bullies
5. Issues of revenge forgiveness

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So who has your steering wheel?
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Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict Management

• Learn to recognize and address conflict in its
  earliest stage.
• Keep everyone focused on the issue.

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Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict Management

• Provide the 3 Ps of Conflict Management.
• A. Permission to disagree without feeling
  guilty
• B. Potentency enable each party to state their
  position with as much strength and clarity as
  possible.
• C. Protection do not allow judging or needless
  hurting

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Learn the Basic Skills of Conflict Management

• Enable all parties to see a way out of the
  conflict by suggesting options to their present
  positions and goals--Build on what you agree
• Work to turn every conflict into a problem
  solving situation.
• Involve everyone in this process.

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What are the basics of negotiation?

1. Willingness to listen.
2. Willingness to take sides.
3. The courage to publicly place value on
   issues.--How important is each issue in this
   conflict?
4. Willingness to discuss various solutions before
   deciding which one(s) I will accept. Negotiate
   in good faith.

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What are the basics of negotiation?

1. Willingness to establish policies or change
   present procedures.
2. Willingness to disagree. Its okay if we dont
   agree.
3. Willingness to establish and agree on common
   goals and priorities.
4. Willingness to be accountable. Willingness to
   accept the consequences of my behavior.

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What are the basics of negotiation?

• 9. Willingness to work to save face for everyone
  involved.
• Some conflict situations involve people who have
  clearly been wrong in their behavior. To resolve
  this does not mean we negotiate a cover-up of
  their sins.

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Preventing Conflict

1. Your immune system.

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Preventing Conflict

• We have to be strong enough to disappoint people.
• Have the courage to say No
• Issue of delayed gratification.
• No pain, no gain.
• Pay the price to get to resolution.

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Getting to the place of peace

• Gods promise, I will never leave you or forsake
  you. Hebrews 135
• We can have inner peace even when there are
  storms in our lives.
• John 141-4
• John 1633
• John 1427
• 2 Timothy 17

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Where do I need to start changing the way I
respond to conflict?