Effective

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Effective Communication Skills
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Introduction

• Thank-you for being a member of this program
• Please take with you the information that is
  valuable to you from this program
• Respect that others are here to do the same
• Feel free to ask questions at any time

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Day 1

• Self Disclosure, Boundaries, Trust
• Whenever you are ready to stop telling your
  emotions what they should be, they will tell you
  what they really are.
• - John Powell

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Effective communication

• When a person interprets a message in the way
  that the sender intended it

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Why is this important?

• Our ability to communicate impacts every
  relationship in our lives (e.g. With spouses,
  children, friends, etc)
• It also impacts our understanding of ourselves
• - We learn about ourselves through our
  relationships with others

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Self advocacy

• To stand up for oneself
• Expressing opinions according to personal
  thoughts

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Self disclosure

• Revealing information about your thoughts,
  feelings, or life experiences to another person
• Essential for healthy relationships
• - Allows others to get to know you and you to
  get to know others
• - Allows you to identify common goals, needs,
  interests, activities, and values with others

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Effective self disclosures

1. Are more about feelings than facts
2. Have breadth (number of topics) and depth (amount
   revealed on a topic)
3. Focus on the present
4. Must be reciprocal

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Benefits of self disclosures

• Validate our own ideas about the world
• Increase our self-awareness
• Help us manage stress and adversity
• Feels good to be known intimately

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Finding the balance

• If someone has been untrustworthy, it would be
  foolish to continue to disclose to that person
• Go slowly, allow time to build trust
• Give people less critical information first and
  see how they handle it, then work up to bigger
  disclosures accordingly

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Trust your instincts

• Everyone has a choice about how much of
  themselves to reveal to other people
• Increased awareness of feelings and context help
  in determining how much information to give

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Boundaries

• Limits or rules that define you as separate from
  others
• Promote integrity
• Help to define self
• Can be divided into categories
• Emotional
• Social
• Physical
• Sexual

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Boundaries depend on context

• Context includes 3 things
• Your thoughts and feelings
• Who you are with
• Where you are
• Behavior that is appropriate in one context may
  be unhealthy or harmful in another

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Thoughts and feelings

• Give us valuable information about boundaries
• Allow you to consider how others treat you, and
  how much to trust them
• We are sometimes taught to ignore them

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Who you are speaking with

• What is the relationship?
• What is the culture?
• We learn about boundaries by the ways that we are
  treated as children
• What have you taught the person so far about your
  boundaries?
• We teach people where our boundaries are by the
  way we let them treat us
• Has this person been respectful of your
  boundaries in the past?
• With some people, we need to be more active in
  protecting our boundaries

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Where you are

• What is the environment like?
• Are you familiar with this place?
• What resources are available?
• Is there privacy from other people?

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Emotional boundaries

• How do you identify and express your feelings and
  emotions to others?
• (e.g.. What personal information will you give
  out?)
• How do you respond to the feelings of others?
• How do you allow others to treat you?
• (e.g.. What can people say to you?)
• What relationships do you keep, and what
  relationships do you back away from?

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Social boundaries

• How do you interact with other people?
• When do you interact with other people?
• What are your rules about privacy?
• How close or distant should people be?

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Physical boundaries

• How close is your body is from other peoples
  bodies?
• How do you share physical space?
• Who, how and when do you touch or allow touch?
• Context

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Sexual boundaries

• What is ok for you, in terms of any sexual acts
  or expression of sexuality?
• Are interconnected with elements from physical,
  emotional, and social boundaries
• If sexual intimacy is not grounded in respect for
  boundaries, it can lead to problems in the
  relationship (e.g. Pain, rejection)

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Boundary violations

• When someone knowingly or unknowingly crosses the
  emotional, physical, spiritual, or sexual limits
  of another
• Two types of boundary violations
• Intrusion
• Distance

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Intrusion and Distance

• Intrusion
• When a physical or emotional boundary is breached
• Distance
• When intimacy is less than appropriate to the
  relationship

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Write the two types of violations on the board
  and ask the class for as many examples of each as
  they can come up with

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How to build boundaries

• Increase self awareness
• Identify childhood violations and the offenders,
  become aware of resulting feelings, and get care
  for that damage
• Examine the state of your boundaries in current
  relationships, clean them up!

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Defending boundaries

• Our ability to protect ourselves is related to
  the strength of our boundaries
• If we dont develop clear boundaries, we are more
  likely to be violated
• Weak boundaries lead to a weak self-image
• If we dont defend our boundaries, we tell our
  minds and bodies that they are not important

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Give the boundary exercise worksheet at this time

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Trust

• Openness and sharing with others
• - Being willing to make yourself vulnerable in
  hopes of gaining something positive
• Constantly changes in relationships

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Disrupting Trust

• Rejection, ridicule, or disrespect to openness
• Lack of reciprocation to openness
• Refusal to disclose thoughts and feelings after
  the other person has been accepting, supportive,
  and cooperative

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Strengthening trust

• Support for personal process
• Acceptance of differences
• Enhancement of our uniqueness
• Permission for expression
• Respect for feelings
• The right to say no
• The freedom to say yes

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• If there is time, brainstorm examples of
  disrupting and strengthening trust with the
  participants

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Empowerment

• Regardless of what has happened to you in the
  past, you have the right to defend your
  boundaries from now on
• It is never too late to build healthy boundaries
• When you protect yourself, you empower yourself

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Day 2 Listening skills

• The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second
  stage is listening.

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Listening skills

1. Attending
2. Following
3. Reflecting

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Attending

• A posture of involvement
• Lean in, look attentive
• Appropriate body movement
• Eye contact
• Non-distracting environment

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Body language

• Posture
• Eye contact
• Gestures
• Facial expressions
• Tone of voice
• Breathing

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Following

• Welcome the conversation
• Give little encourages (yes, go on, really?)
• Ask some questions
• Be silent!
• Protect other person from your attacks!

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Reflecting

• Paraphrase Repeat in your own words
• Briefly say what you think the feelings are
• Briefly say what you think the meaning is
• Briefly say your understanding of the main themes

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Do an exercise in role plays Ask the
  participants to write down an example of a recent
  frustration that theyve had, that they would be
  willing to share with the class
• Ask one participant to start by sharing their
  frustration with the person on the left
• The person on the left then responds using the
  three types of listening skills just discussed,
  while the rest of the class observes the
  listeners skills
• After each role play, the class has a discussion
  about what listening skills were demonstrated

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Roadblocks

• High risk ways of responding to others
• Include
• Judging
• Solution Sending
• Avoiding concerns

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Hand out Major Roadblocks explanation sheet and
  have the class read through it
• Write the three categories on the board and have
  the class brainstorm examples of each
• Give the blank Major Roadblocks worksheet and ask
  participants to fill it out with examples in the
  appropriate categories that they use themselves
  (Note Some people may not use all types of
  Roadblocks and wont be able to put examples
  under each section)
• Discuss with the class what response styles would
  be better to use

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Active Listening

• Concentrating on reflecting the feelings that we
  hear and don't hear
• Requires reading between the lines
• Creates free and open space without judgment

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Active Listening

• Shows that you care and understand the other
  person
• People will enjoy talking to you and will open up
  more
• If you have misunderstood, the talker can
  immediately correct your impressions
• You learn more about people.
• Usually directs the conversation towards
  important emotional topics

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Active Listening

• Elicits acceptance and welcomes more intimate,
  personal topics
• Makes it safe to talk about "deep" subjects, so
  the talker can relax and more accurately express
  him or her self
• Reduces our irritation with others because we
  understand
• To understand is to forgive

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Active Listening

• May reduce prejudice or negative assumptions
  about others
• Discover everyone is "understandable."
• Fosters more meaningful, helpful, and closer
  friendships
• Empathy is one of the more important skills you
  will ever acquire
• Few people do it well

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Empathy

• We often assume things about people, despite
  having little or no information
• Everyone is trying to do the best they can with
  what they know and feel at that moment
• Try to become persuaded by the other persons
  position

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Day 3 Behavior styles

• We must be the change we wish to see in the
  world.
• - Mahatma Ghandi

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Behavior styles

• Passiveness - Not advocating for personal rights
• Aggressiveness - Threatening or violating the
  rights of others
• Assertiveness - Standing up for your rights while
  acknowledging the rights of others

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Write the headings below on the board and ask
  the participants to brainstorm the pros and cons
  of the three behavior styles
• When finished, ask the class what they think
  about all of these reasons for using the
  different styles
• Handout Pros and Cons sheet for participants to
  keep

Pros for being Passive Cons for Being Passive Pros for being Assertive Cons for Being Assertive Pros for being Aggressive Cons for Being Aggressive

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Choose for yourself!

• Assertive behavior is the most effective in most
  situations
• However, it can be wise to be submissive or
  aggressive in some situations
• In general, being assertive helps people develop
  the power of choice over their actions

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Six steps for assertion

1. Prepare yourself
2. Send the message
3. Be silent
4. Listen reflectively (expect defensiveness)
5. Recycle steps 2-4 as necessary
6. Focus on finding a solution

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Preparing yourself

• Write your message down
• Practice sending it and responding to
  defensiveness
• Do not begin with small talk
• Make an appointment with the person

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Before asserting, ask yourself

• Is this appropriate?
• Am I invading the other persons rights?
• Is there a base of trust?
• Is this a persistent concern?
• Am I likely to get my needs met?

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How do I assert myself?

• Behaviors
• Feelings
• Effects
• (Then stop talking!)

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Stating the behavior

1. Be specific
2. Only refer to behaviors
3. Be objective, not judgmental
4. Be brief
5. Assert about real issues
6. Assert to the right person

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Disclosing your feelings

• Give your true feelings
• What was the first feeling?
• Express intensity of feeling accurately
• Avoid using judgmental words
• Listen to your body
• Listen to your emotions

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Clarify the effect

1. Be concrete
2. Avoid imposing your values on others
3. Only speak about the effect on you
4. Talk about the real effect, not something that
   seems more acceptable

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Hand out Behaviors, Feelings, and Effects
  worksheet
• Ask participants to come up with examples from
  their own lives of situations with other people
• For each example, ask them to write the other
  persons behavior under the Behavior heading, the
  feelings that behavior caused them under
  Feelings, and the effect it had on their lives
  under the Effect heading
• Ask participants to be willing to share with the
  class at least one of these examples
• Using the sentence on the other side of the
  handout ask the participants to take turns
  role-playing asserting themselves to the person
  to their right, while the class observes
• Assertions should be done as though the listener
  is the person who caused that behavior and the
  listener should try to respond as normally as
  possible
• Ask the class to discuss how well the assertion
  was given after each role-play (did the person
  include all three parts and then stop?)

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After asserting yourself

• Be silent
• Practice reflective listening, try to reduce the
  defensiveness
• Answer any questions with reflective listening
• Reassert your message when necessary
• Persist It usually takes 3-10 repetitions

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How the other person responds

• Acknowledge emotional responses, offer to
  reconvene later
• If the person withdraws (wont say anything),
  reflect their behavior and reassert yourself
• If the person continues to withdraw, suggest a
  solution and say that you would like to meet in a
  week to discuss how well it worked

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Hand out defensiveness lightning bolt
• Use it to explain how reflective listening
  decreases defensiveness
• Emphasize that it is important not to answer to
  defensiveness (No I dont!), but to stay on topic
• Explain that it may be necessary to reassert a
  few times before the person is ready to actually
  discuss how to improve these situations in the
  future

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Defensiveness

• Often occurs when people are told that they are
  causing a negative effect
• Breeds more defensiveness
• Often blocks constructive communication
• Respond to it with reflective listening and when
  necessary, repeating your message

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Use body language that says

• I know what I want
• I expect to have my needs met
• I respect you

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When someone becomes hostile

1. Attempt to stop the hostile behavior
2. Avoid becoming emotionally involved
3. Accept other persons feelings
4. (Perhaps) suggest an alternate way of resolving
   the conflict

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Hand out Assertiveness is sheet and have the
  class read through it
• If time allows, have a class discussion on what
  these points mean

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Day 4 Conflict Management and Problem Solving

• A problem well defined is half solved.

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Conflict

• Unavoidable
• Can be disruptive and/ or destructive
• Can cause positive change
• Helps us understand ourselves better
• Best to try to solve as early as possible

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Two types of conflict

• Realistic
• Opposing needs, goals, means, values or interests
• Nonrealistic
• From ignorance, error, historical tradition,
  prejudice, dysfunctional organizational
  structure, hostility, win/ lose competition

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Preventing nonrealistic conflict

• Use fewer roadblocks
• Reflective listening
• Assertion skills
• Awareness
• Emotional support
• Tolerance and acceptance of others
• Weighing out costs and consequences
• Protecting others from attack (no harsh words or
  put downs!)

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Preparing for conflict

• Location neutral ground, no distractions
• Only those involved should be there
• Contributing circumstances (e.g. Emotional pain
  from grief, etc.)
• Set a time with other(s)
• No surprise attacks!

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Strong emotions

• Focus on emotions first!
• Blood supply to the problem solving part of the
  brain is decreased during emotional arousal
• Try reflective listening until the strong
  emotions recede
• This sends the message How you feel matters to
  me

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Conflict resolution

• Treat the other person with respect
• Listen until you experience the other side
• Feelings
• Content
• Meaning
• State your views, needs, and feelings

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Demonstrate respect by

• Listening
• Maintaining eye contact
• Tone of voice
• Word selection
• Type of reasoning
• Being respectful is a true challenge!

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Listen

• What is the other person saying?
• What do they mean?
• How do they feel?
• Try to become persuaded by their position

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Keep listening

• Repeat back what you have understood about
  meaning and feelings when the other person is
  finished talking
• Do not defend yourself against verbal remarks
• Do not say I know how you feel
• You do not have to agree to listen

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State your views, feelings, or needs

• Only after the other person feels heard
• Be brief
• Mean what you say dont over or under
  exaggerate
• Avoid loaded words (i.e. that imply judgment,
  etc.)

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Ask participants to write down an example of a
  Realistic Conflict that they would be willing to
  share with the class
• Ask each of the participants to role-play with
  the person to the their left a discussion about
  their conflict while the rest of the class
  observes
• The listener should attempt to demonstrate good
  listening skills and practice responding to being
  asserted to
• Discuss each role-play with the class

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Evaluate the conflict

• What was learned?
• Was anyone hurt?
• How useful was the fight in terms of developing
  the relationship?
• How well did I use the techniques?
• How could I improve?

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Potential outcomes to conflict

• Emotional connectedness
• Personal growth
• Other person may change
• Creative problem solving
• Deeper relationships

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Problem Solving
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Win/lose problem solving

1. Denial
2. Avoidance Passive behavior
3. Giving in
4. Dominance - Aggressive behavior

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Collaborative problem solving

• Define the problem
• Brainstorm solutions
• Select a solution
• Make a plan
• Act out the plan
• Evaluate

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Define the problem

• According to needs
• Distinguish between means and ends
• Why does each person want their proposed
  solution?
• What are the absolute needs of each person?

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Brainstorming

• Go for quantity, not quality
• Do not clarify or evaluate yet
• Be open to crazy ideas
• Expand on each others ideas
• List all ideas

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Select a solution

• Ask other person/ people which solutions they
  would prefer
• Say what you would prefer
• Check for matches
• Jointly choose the solutions to the problem
  together
• Called a consensus

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Make an action plan

• Write out the agreement
• Have each person state what they plan to do
• Arrange a time to meet again to discuss how well
  the solution is working

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Act out the plan

• Do what you said you would
• If other person doesnt come through, assertion
  and reflective listening may be needed

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Evaluate

• Meet a few days or a week later
• Discuss how well the solution is working
• If necessary, brainstorm additional solutions and
  create a new and improved action plan

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Suggestion for the Instructor

• Hand out Problem Solving worksheet
• Ask the class to get into partners, select one
  recent conflict (could be one used earlier in the
  class), with each partner representing one side
  of the conflict
• Ask them to fill out numbers 1-4 of the worksheet
  together
• As each group finishes up to 4, have them explain
  their action plan to you and give them a scenario
  that happened, which is different from what
  they planned
• Then ask them to finish up to number 6
• When everyone is done this, ask each pair to read
  out to the class the content of their worksheet

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Important reminders

• Address emotions first
• Define problems according to needs
• Do not evaluate or clarify solutions when
  brainstorming
• Work out the details
• Follow to ensure everyones satisfaction with
  solution
• Try to discover any underlying problems

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The End