The OIF Alphabet Book

1
The OIF Alphabet Book
Illustrated by Mrs. Jones, 3rd Grade Class from
Our Lady of Groundhog Day Parochial School
2
A is for Armor
These svelte warriors roll into battle using a
mere 100 gallons to the mile. Dont let the gay
boots confuse you. They are killing machines.
The boots help them hitch rides with wayward
truck drivers when they run out of gas.
3
B is for Band
Sure she is a piccolo player first class and she
weighs 90 pounds with battle rattle. Her weapon
is loaded, is yours? How do you like that you
combat arms staff beyotch?
4
C is for Cav Boots
I am not going to say that they are gay, but I
think these were big with the ladies in the 70s.
Jedi Knights have also been known to wear them.
I wish I was Cav so I could have cool boots.
5
D is for Desert Cav Boots
I am not going to say that they are gay, but a
lot of gay guys wear them. In fact some were
seen being worn by a guy in cutoff jean shorts
and a wife beater t-shirt prancing around a gay
pride parade on a cable news network. They do
look comfortable though.
6
E is for Effects
You thought it was a planning methodology. It is
really an OPSEC tool. When the insurgents read
our classified documents they cant figure out
what the hell we are up too! Come to think of I
have no idea either.
7
F is for Field Artillery
Once a band of ruffian stone hurlers feared by
all. Now they need a job. They can be truck
drivers, MPs, Infantrymen or whatever you need.
They can also be very creative in coming up with
new ideas (see the letter E).
8
G is for gym
Most people dont have time to go to the gym
while deployed. Other people manage to pile on
75 lbs of pure muscle in a matter of two
months, wow! Steroids make your package shrink
and the ladies love that. Not that people do
that. Think of it as a warning.
G is also for gay. See the letters D and C.
9
H is for Helicopter
Helicopters are cool. They can fly really,
really fast or stop and hover in place. They can
hover over your trailer at midnight so that you
cant sleep. So remember helicopters are cool
its the pilot that is the asshole.
10
I is for Ice Cream
I scream, you scream , we all scream for ice
cream. Too bad three meals a day, two servings
of ice cream and no time in the gym has added
three inches to your waist line. How about you
push that fat ass of yours away from the table
and waddle to the gym. Put the Maxie Max bar
down tubby.
11
J is for Jihad
Nothing says you love God like strapping a bomb
on and killing a bunch of innocent people, WTF!
Suicide bombers are only cool when they blow
themselves up without hurting anybody else. So
take your happy asses into the middle of the
desert and Jihad amongst yourselves.
12
K is for Killeen
Killeen is the home of Fort Hood. It is a
really, really nice place if you like pawn shops,
liquor stores, tattoo parlors, dry cleaners or
places to get gold teeth. What a great place to
live. Do you want to live there? I sure as hell
dont.
13
L is for liquor
Nothing like a Jack and Coke after a long hard
day. A nice cold beer can really make the day a
whole lot better. Too bad there is a thing
called General Order 1, that makes it illegal to
drink, WTF!!!! No Beer for another _at_!ing year!
I hate this place.
14
M is for Martyr
The Jihad called them one and all. Kill the
infidels. All were angry, frustrated and had
only tried out their wares on donkeys and sheep.
They were promised 72 virgins in paradise. Too
bad donkeys and sheep dont count. Now they are
stuck with 72 other pissed off suicide bombers.
Welcome to hell, beyotch!!!
15
N is for Non-Lethal Effects.
Non-lethal effects help win the war. They work
in IO, PSYOP and other places. So what do an
elephant, zebra, giraffe and the MND-B Dep G7
have in common? They are all leaf eaters.
16
O is for Osama Bin Ladin
Do you know where he is? We sure dont. If you
have any info please let the U.S. know. We would
really like to shoot that SOB.
17
P is for pissed off.
This is BOB, he is a staff officer. He loves
his girlfriend, car, home and stuff. He has been
in Iraq in 03-04 and is back for 06. So he never
sees any of the things he loves. His job is very
fulfilling. He makes slides and sits through
stupid meetings all day. Can you guess how he
feels? It could be worse. At least he has a
bronze star.
18
Q is for quagmire.
We dont literally walk into mud that sucks us
into oblivion. In reality we conduct the
military staff process. It may not get you
killed, but it sure as hell will make you wish
you were or maybe just stuck neck deep in a
hopeless morass of bureaucracy.
19
R is for RIP / TOA
This is a happy time for everyone. The jaded and
disgruntled people leave. The fresh motivated
and delusional people show up. Dont worry if
you are leaving and havent enough time here.
You should be back in 8 to 10 months. Dont
forget to wave goodbye to Iraq when you leave.
20
S is for safety
Your team is moving into position to take down
the AIF safe house. There is barely any moon, it
is overcast and there is little ambient light.
You and your men own the night. You are a
shadow. Thank goodness you have your reflective
belt on in a combat zone. We wouldnt want to
stay hidden in the dark where the enemy cant see
us, now would we, WTF?!? Sometimes being safe
means you have to be another S wordstupid.
21
T is for team
It is an Olympic year. Athletes from across the
world will compete in a noble effort. All are
part of a team. This skier is a part of a team.
There are trainers, sponsors and friends all
focused on the success of one goal, victory. I
thought the army was like that until I got on
staff. Now I know the truth. Stab that little
bastard in the cubicle next to you in the back.
Make them look bad and act like you like the.
There is no I in team but there sure as hell is a
me.
22
U is for Utopia
You could live in a mansion. That could be your
double jointed Swedish masseuse supermodel
girlfriend in the pool. Beer from your
personally owned micro-brewery could sit in an
ice cold keg by the pool with the aforementioned
girlfriend. Then you could wake your happy ass
up and remember that you are in Iraq. Utopia
doesnt exist dumb ass. Now shut up and row!
23
V is VBIED
This is Mustafa. He is a VBIED driver and an
asshole. If you want to know why please see the
letters J and M. The only good VBIED driver is
one that blows up while sitting in his garage.
VBIED drivers suck and nobody likes them.
24
W is for WTF!
Some people think that WTF means a bad thing. It
means golly gee what was I thinking? This
soldier that just got yelled at for having his
watch cap on in 75 degree weather is thinking
golly gee what was I thinking when I put my
mother_at_!ing watch cap on this morning! He at
least he has his safety belt on, good job!
25
X is for X-spray
Muhamed and Akmed worked very hard last night.
They emplaced several IEDs, detonated one on a
convoy and tried to go home. They didnt look
out of place in black along the side of the road
at night. We probably would have let them go if
it wasnt for X-spray. Enjoy AG beyotches
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Y is for Yo Yo!
You are probably wondering what a Yo Yo has to do
with Satan and hell. Being a staff officer is a
lot like being a Yo Yo and staff work is a lot
like hell. So who could Satan be? Why do I
smell brimstone?
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Z is for Zarqawi
Sure he is a world famous terrorist leader that
scares people. In reality he is a Jackass. If
you have information on his whereabouts let us
know. There are some nice young biker gang
members in prison that would like to get to know
him better. Enjoy the salad beyotch!