1
Id be just as happy with a cup of tea
Womens accounts of sex and affection in
long-term heterosexual relationships Nikki
Hayfield Dr Victoria Clarke Critical Psychology
Research Group, University of the West of
England, Bristol, UK
1. Introduction Stereotypes abound of womens
lack of desire for, and pleasure in, sex,
compared to mens insatiable desire and need
for sex. Some women are supposed to prefer a
kiss and a cuddle or even a bar of chocolate, a
cup of tea or watching a soap opera to sex (with
a male partner). Womens supposed lack of desire
for sex is consistently presented as problematic
in both popular and academic discourse. The
pathologisation of womens sexual desire is
institutionalised through the inclusion of a
diagnosis of female sexual disorder in the
DSM-IV. Social and feminist psychological
research provides clear evidence of the
patriarchal and heteronormative underpinnings of
discourses and experiences of sex (e.g., Hollway,
1989, Sieg, 2000). 2. The Study There has been
little consideration of long-term relationships
in existing research. This study is intended to
fill this gap by providing a small-scale,
exploratory study of womens accounts of sex and
affection in the context of long-term
heterosexual relationships. 3. Collecting and
analysing the data Ten women in long-term
heterosexual relationships aged between 21 and 43
years (mean 28 years). Length of time in current
relationship was between nine months and 23 years
(mean nine years). Eight women identified as
white, and two as black, nine women identified as
heterosexual, and one as bisexual. Five of the
women were employed full-time, and five were
full-time students The women participated in
semi-structured interviews conducted and
transcribed by the first author. The data were
analysed using a thematic approach, that was
grounded in the womens lived experiences.
4. Overview of Five Main Themes Generated from
the Data (I) Defining sex and affection Most
women defined sex as coitus Sex for me is
pretty back and white, sex for me is intercourse,
and thats it (Heather) well to me sex is
penetration (Mary). Affection was cuddling and
kissing (Mary) and feeling loved (Jessica),
and something that women need more than men I
think women are much more needy, needy of knowing
that theyre loved and, you know, kind of cared
for (Liv). Women also received affection
Because hes the man, he tends to be the
cuddler, and Im the cuddlee (Heather). (II)
Womens sexual desire is complex and variable
Some women desired and experienced pleasure in
sex in their current relationship, and some did
not. Womens interest in sex was fluid and
changed across their lives and the life of their
relationship. In general, most of the women were
ambivalent about their experiences of sex and
desire could I have enjoyed it more?
(Mary) (III) Mens sexual desire is simple and
insatiable Womens depiction of mens desire
contrasted sharply with that of their own - men
have an irrepressible desire for sex. Women used
the notion of male needs to justify
participating in sex that they did not want I
might say to him alright if youre quick
(laughs) Im just submissive about it really
(Jessica). (IV) Women are the gatekeepers of
sex Women are responsible for deciding when they
will receive their partners desire I think for
me not to give him that kind of satisfaction
would be unfair of me because then it would mean
that hes not getting what he wants (Mary). (V)
A journey from lust and desire to love and
affection The women narrated a recognisable story
of journeying from passion and lust to less
frequent, but, in some cases, more meaningful
sex, and a greater emphasis on love and
affection sex is just not a priority to me,
its more time spent, day-to-day loving, care and
attention means ten times more to me (Heather).
5. More detailed discussion of themes II-V
(II) Womens desire is complex and variable Some
women experienced little pleasure in sex Hell
say oh did you enjoy that? and Ill go oh
yeah and really I just cant wait to watch
Eastenders and thats sad I know He puts all
this effort into it bless him (laughs) and Id be
just as happy with a cup of tea (Heather). A
number had a low sex drive Im not that
interested (Alice), whereas a few others had
quite a high sex drive (Mary) and sometimes I
really really do crave sex constantly
(Petula). For some, their desire was related to
their menstrual cycle Oh if Im having my
period, my god, Im like a woman possessed, it
just tingles as well dunnit, and its like, I
need something there (Sarah). Some women desired
to desire If I could suddenly take a pill which
would make me a bit horny I actually would do it.
I think Id quite like to have a sex drive
(Heather). In general, the women were concerned
about whether they were normal Oh god, three
or four times a month, is that bad? (Clare)
magazines tend to give you the impression that
people are doing it an awful lot more than you
(Alice).
(V) A journey from lust and desire to love and
affection Most of the women saw their
relationships as following a normal and
natural journey from lust to love When you
first start going out with somebody it is a kind
of case of lets rip all the clothes off type
of thing, and after a while it settles down
its all like lust and, you know, how much sex
can you possibly have in a week, whereas, after a
while it turns into love Its more about love
and affection than it is about sex (Liv).
Although the frequency of sex had declined some
women experienced a growth in the pleasure and
meaning associated with sex Its less now, but
I think its more meaningful now, it means more
to me. Like before it was just an activity, but
then now its more like an act of love, its not
just sex, its a real bond (Pippa). Similarly
Jessica observed that Its more pleasurable and
I just think that it means more to me really.
Before it was just ooh quick, lets have sex,
it was lust and now its more love and passion.
(IV) Women are the gatekeepers of sex Women
decide whether mens needs are met and give
sex to men I think hes a bloke and therefore,
you know, I think they would do it, anytime you
would offer it (Liv). Heather described herself
as not having a very high sex drive and
therefore her male partner really lets me play
it by ear I have to let him know when its
going to be okay. Some women gave sex to their
male partners in exchange for behaviour or gifts
of an appropriate value Hes brought me a nice
meal or something, I might think yeah, thats a
fair swap (Heather). Others described
withholding sex as a punishment Last night hed
be annoying me so when we went to bed I just
turned over and went to sleep (Clare). The women
experienced their role as gatekeepers as a
burden, theyd prefer sex to just happen. As
with domestic labour and childcare, the women
were responsible for managing this aspect of
their relationship.
(III) Mens sexual desire is simple and
insatiable The womens understanding of mens
desire was unambiguous, men need sex (and women
have a responsibility to provide it) I do it
because I know a man needs it I think its
wrong when you see the women not giving their
husbands sex for months (Heather). For Mary,
mens higher sex drive was a scientifically
proven fact. As well as a biological need, men
also have a psychological need for sex, sex is
important to men because of a sort of male pride
thing (Alice). The women were fortunate if their
partner did not pressure or coerce them into
having sex Im so lucky in that he has
never pressured me at all (Mary).
6. Conclusions Some of the participants did
desire sex and a number of those who did not
expressed a desire for desire. Some of the women
reported little pleasure in sex, and some
participated in unwanted but consensual sex in
order to satisfy (and take responsibility for)
their male partners need for sex. The women
indicated a decline in the frequency of sex
across their relationship, but, for some, more
frequent sex replaced by love and affection
(Holland et al., 1994), and/or less frequent but
more meaningful, pleasurable and intimate sex.
The analysis supported the finding of previous
research in a number of ways, including the
emphasis on (real) sex as coitus (McPhillips et
al., 2001) and the notion that men have a rampant
sex drive and women have little or no desire
(Braun et al., 2003, Hollway, 1989). This study
expanded previous findings to incorporate a focus
on accounts of sex in long-term heterosexual
relationships. The findings present a perhaps
unsurprsingly but nonetheless rather depressing
portrait of womens experiences of sex in such
relationships. References Braun, V., Gavey, N.
McPhillips, K. (2003) The fair deal? Unpacking
accounts of reciprocity in heterosex.
Sexualities, 6(2) 237-61. Holland, J.,
Ramazanoglu, C., Sharpe, S. and Thomson, R.
(1994) Power and desire The embodiment of female
sexuality. Feminist Review, 46 21-38. Hollway,
W. (1989) Subjectivity and method in psychology
Gender, meaning and science. London
Sage. McPhillips, K., Braun, V. Gavey, N.
(2001) Defining (hetero)sex How imperative is
the coital imperative? Womens Studies
International Forum, 24(2) 229-40. Sieg, E.
(2000) So tell me what you want, what you really
really want? New women on old footings?
Feminism Psychology, 10(4) 498-503. Contact
Dr Victoria Clarke at the Faculty of Applied
Sciences, Frenchay Campus, UWE, Bristol BS16 1QY,
UK or via email on Victoria.Clarke_at_uwe.ac.uk