Conversations

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Conversations

• A locally managed sequential interchange of
  thoughts and feelings between two or more people.
  They are interactive and extemporaneous.

Microsoft Photo
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Casual Social Conversations
Pragmatic Problem- Consideration Conversations

• Spontaneous interactions between people, with no
  planned agenda

• Conversational episodes in which at least one
  participant has a communication goal

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Pragmatic Problem-Consideration Conversations

Skipping a stage may provide less satisfaction

1. Greeting and small talk
2. Topic introduction and statement of need for
   discussion
3. Information exchange and processing
4. Summarizing decisions and clarifying next
   steps
5. Formal closing

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Characteristics of Conversations

• Formality degree to which the conversation must
  follow rules, procedures or rituals.
• Turn-Taking alternating between speaker
  listener.
• Speaker can decide whos next
• Nonverbally signaling our desire to go next
• We can self-select to go next by talking next
• We can interrupt
• Topic Change method by which people introduce
  new topics
• Talk Time fair sharing of speaking time
• Scriptedness common conversations that happen
  so often they are routine, as if to follow a
  script (co-narration).
• Conversational Audience whos conversing
  eavesdropping.

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Cultural Variations

• United States
• Low Context Cultures
• Participatory everyone joins in
• Include categorical words such as certainly,
  absolutely
• Relevant comments that are directly to the point
• Speaking ones mind
• Silence is seldom good

• Japan
• High Context Cultures
• Ritualized, formal structured
• Include qualifiers such as maybe, perhaps
• Indirect, ambiguous and less relevant comments
• Creating harmony
• Silence indicates truthfulness, embarrassment,
  disagreement

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Cooperative Principle
Conversations will be satisfying when the
contributions made by conversationalists are in
line with the purpose of the conversation.
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Conversation Maxims
Quality Truthful information Quantity Not too much or too little Relevancy Related to the topic
Manner Specific, organized, and understandable Morality Meet moral/ethical guidelines Politeness Be courteous
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The Effective Conversationalist

1. Presents quality information.
2. Provides free information to enable others to
   talk.
3. Ask questions that are likely to motivate
   responses.
4. Credits sources.
5. Practices turn-taking.
6. Maintains conversational coherence.
7. Practices politeness.

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Effective CommunicatorsBag of Tricks

• Is equipped with information on a wide range to
  topics.
• Is willing to offer extra information when
  questions are asked
• Asks questions.
• Balances speaking and listening.
• Uses conversational directors like Dont you
  agree? or What do you think? which draw the
  other person into the conversation.

1. Keeps interruptions at a minimum.
2. Makes sure that comments relate to previous
   comments by others.
3. Is polite.
4. Is ethical, authentic, empathetic, supportive,
   conforming, an active listener, and treats others
   as equals.

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Empathy is the process of identifying with the
feelings of others.
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Approaches to Empathy

• Empathic Responsiveness taking on an emotional
  parallel response of another, feeling same the
  emotion sharing the emotion
• Perspective Taking imagining yourself in place
  of another
• Sympathetic Responsiveness feeling of concern,
  compassion or sorrow for anothers situation
  emotional concern or sympathy feeling a
  somewhat different, yet similar emotion

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How do we Empathize?

1. Actively attend to what the person is saying.
2. Observe and understand both verbal and nonverbal
   messages, using paraphrases and perception
   checking to help you.
3. Draw on your experience to understand the
   situation.

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Reading nonverbaleffective empathetic responses
You can do quite well, if you concentrate!

• Nonverbal primary emotions such as happiness,
  sadness, surprise, anger, and fear are recognized
  with greater than 90 accuracy.
• Other nonverbal embedded emotions such as
  contempt, disgust, interest, determination, and
  bewilderment are recognized with 80-90 accuracy.
  
• (Leathers, 1997, p. 41)

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Effective Support Messages Steps
(research by Brant Burleson, Purdue University)

• Show your intention to help.
• Provide acceptance and positive regard.
• Express situation interest.
• Show empathy and understanding.
• Make yourself available.
• Be an ally.

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Supporting messages a statement whose goal is
to show approval, bolster, encourage, soothe,
console, or cheer up

• Recognize others good feelings and affirm their
  right to have them.
• Give comfort when a person has negative feelings.

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Ineffective Support Messages

• Condemning and/or criticizing the other persons
  feelings and behavior
• Imply that the other persons feelings are not
  warranted
• Dont tell the other how to feel
• Dont focus attention on the yourself
• Never intrude by representing a level of concern
  greater than is appropriate within the
  relationship

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Interpreting (Framing)
Reframes information to help the other understand
from a different perspective
Information and Experiences
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Using Other-Centered Messages

• Ask questions that prompt the person to elaborate
  on what happened
• Emphasize your willingness to listen to an
  extended story
• Use vocalized encouragement and non-verbal
  behavior to communicate continued interest
• Affirm, legitimize, and encourage exploration of
  feelings expressed by partner
• Demonstrate the you understand but avoid changing
  the focus to you.
• Women use other-centered messages than men.
• Rapport vs. Report Talk

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Giving Advice

• Definition - Advice giving messages present
  relevant suggestions that a person could use to
  satisfactorily resolve a situation.
• In general, advice messages should not be
  expressed until our supportive intentions are
  fully understood.

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• Feedback
• Verbal and physical responses to people and/or
  their messages

• Self-disclosure
• Sharing biographical data, personal ideas and
  feelings that are unknown to the other person
• Opening up the Secret Johari Window to another.

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Johari Window
Not known to self
Known to self
Open
Blind
Known to others
Secret
Unknown
Not known to others
W, p. 271 V / V, p. 76
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Appropriate Self-disclosureOrder Chronologically

• Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually.
• Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is
  reciprocated.
• Self-disclose the kind of information you want
  others to disclose to you
• Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure
  for ongoing relationships
• Self-disclose more intimate information only when
  you believe the disclosure represents an
  acceptable risk

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Appropriate Self-disclosure

• Self-disclose the kind of information you want
  others to disclose to you
• Self-disclose more intimate information only when
  you believe the disclosure represents an
  acceptable risk
• Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is
  reciprocated.
• Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually.
• Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure
  for ongoing relationships

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Reciprocal self-disclosure has the
greatest positive effects.
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Women tend to engage in rapport talk to share
experiences and establish bonds.
Microsoft Photo
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Men tend to engage in report talk to share
information, negotiate, and preserve independence.
Microsoft Photo
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• Masking Feelings
• Concealing verbal or nonverbal cues that would
  enable others to understand how a person is
  feeling

• Displaying Feelings
• Expressing feelings through facial reactions,
  body responses, or paralinguistic reactions

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Describing Feelings

• Describing feelings is the skill of naming the
  emotions you are feeling without judging them
• Describing feelings increases the likelihood of
  having a positive interaction and decreases the
  chances of creating defensiveness

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Why Dont We Describe Feelings?

• People believe that when they say I feel they
  are evaluating others.
• No active vocabulary for describing feelings
  p.240
• Afraid that describing feelings makes you
  vulnerable
• Afraid that if you describe your feelings you
  will be judged
• Afraid to harm relationship
• Some cultures encourage members to mask their
  feelings

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Giving Constructive Criticism

• Describe the behavior by accurately recounting
  precisely what was said or done, without labeling
  the behavior good or bad, right or wrong.
• Preface a negative statement with a positive one
  whenever possible.
• Be as specific as possible.
• When appropriate, suggest how the person can
  change the behavior.

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Asking for Criticism

• Think of criticism as being in your best
  interest.
• Before you ask, make sure that you are ready for
  an honest response.
• If you take the initiative to ask for criticism,
  you will avoid surprises.

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How to Get Good Feedback

• Specify the kind of criticism you are seeking.
• Dont act negatively to the criticism.
• Paraphrase what you hear.
• Give reinforcement to those who take your
  requests for criticism as honest requests.
• Thank them!

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SummaryDisclosure Feedback Skills

• Disclosure
• Self-disclose the kind of information you
  want others to disclose to you
• Self-disclose more intimate information only
  when you believe the disclosure represents an
  acceptable risk
• Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is
  reciprocated.
• Move self-disclosure to deeper levels
  gradually.
• Reserve intimate or very personal
  self-disclosure for ongoing relationships

• Feedback
• Describe Your Feelings
• Identify what triggers your feelings
• Mentally name your emotion be specific
• Verbally own the feeling
• Own your Feelings Use I
• Give Effective Feedback
• Describe the Behavior be specific
• Highlight Positive Behavior
• Identify Negative (harmful) Behavior thru
  Constructive Criticism
• Suggest How to Change the Behavior

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