Human Resource Association of Central Connecticut

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Human Resource AssociationofCentral
Connecticut

• Managing Conflict
• Tom Neal
  
  July 24, 2012

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Managing Conflict

• Discussion Points
• The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
• How to Avoid Misunderstandings
• Dealing with Difficult People
• The Cost of Unresolved Conflict

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Managing Conflict

• Definition
• Conflict A disagreement between two or more
  individuals or groups.

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Managing Conflict

• Conflict
• is
• Inevitable

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Managing Conflict

• The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution

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Managing Conflict

• The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
• 1.) Withdraw No Way
• Avoid the conflict by pretending that it
  doesn't exist, or refrain from engaging in what
  seems to be an inevitable argument.
• If the conflict is not addressed and
  resolved, it will inevitably grow.
• Although not considered to be a positive
  approach to resolving conflict, conflict
  avoidance is recommended when the potential for
  harm exists to any of the parties involved.

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Managing Conflict

• The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
• 2.) Give In Your Way
• Accommodate your partner by accepting her/his
  point of view or suggestion.
• You allow the other to have his/her own way.
• Giving in does not address or resolve
  conflict. Continually giving in can erode your
  negotiating position in future conflicts.

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Managing Conflict

• The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
• 3.) Stand Your Ground My Way
• Compete with the other party and ensure that
  you win the argument.
• You stand your ground and decide not to
  give-in on any points.
• This is a competitive style of conflict
  management which offers short-term gains but
  lacks the opportunity to create working
  relationships which could offer long-term
  advantages.

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Managing Conflict

• The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
• 4.) Compromise Half Way
• Find a middle ground in which you both give
  up some ground to allow both parties to be
  partially satisfied.
• The risks to compromising include obtaining
  something you dont need while leaving something
  on the negotiating table that you do.

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Managing Conflict

• The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution
• 5.) Collaborate Our Way
• Talk and listen to the other party.
• Discuss and clarify your goals and areas of
  agreement.
• Ensure that other parties understand and
  acknowledge each other's positions.
• Consider ways to resolve the problem without
  any concessions. Think "outside the box."
  Collaboration can result in long-term gains such
  as committed relationships.

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Managing Conflict

• How to Avoid Misunderstanding

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Managing Conflict

• How to Avoid Misunderstanding
• In conflict situations, avoiding
  misunderstanding takes a lot of effort. Roger
  Fisher and William Ury, the authors of Getting
  to Yes list four skills that can improve
  communication in conflict situations.

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Managing Conflict

• How to Avoid Misunderstanding
• 1.) The first is active listening. The goal
  of active listening, they say, is to understand
  your opponent as well as you understand yourself.
  
• Pay close attention to what the other side
  is saying. Ask the opponent to clarify or repeat
  anything that is unclear or seems unreasonable
  (maybe it isn't, but you are interpreting it
  wrong).

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Managing Conflict

• How to Avoid Misunderstanding
• 2.) Fisher and Ury's second rule is to speak
  directly to your opponent. This is not considered
  appropriate in some cultures, but when permitted,
  it helps to increase understanding.
• Avoid being distracted by others, or by
  other things going on in the same room. Focus on
  what you have to say, and on saying it in a way
  that your opponent can understand.

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Managing Conflict

• How to Avoid Misunderstanding
• 3.) Their third rule is to speak about
  yourself, not about your opponent. Describe your
  own feelings and perceptions, rather than
  focusing on your opponent's motives, misdeeds, or
  failings.
• By saying, "I felt let down," rather than
  "You broke your promise," you will convey the
  same information, in a way that does not provoke
  a defensive or hostile reaction from your
  opponent.

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Managing Conflict

• How to Avoid Misunderstanding
• 4.) Fisher and Ury's fourth rule is "speak
  for a purpose." Too much communication can be
  counter productive, they warn.
• Before you make a significant statement,
  pause and consider what you want to communicate,
  why you want to communicate that, and how you can
  do it in the clearest possible way.

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that
• Difficult Person

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that Difficult
  Person
• Difficult people are insecure. They want you
  to think and live like they think and live.
  Misery indeed loves company. They feel better if
  you are tense and unhappy.
• Here are 7 facts you can use when difficult
  people are on the prowl. These are secret silent
  statements you say to yourself

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that Difficult Person
• 1. I am not an actor who must obey your
  script.
• The difficult person has a script. In the
  script he writes that you get angry, that you
  fight with him, that you condemn him, that you
  get stressful and frustrated.
• Difficult people want opposition. That is
  their primary aim!

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that Difficult Person
• 2. I just cannot afford you any more.
• This fact reminds you that some
  relationships carry much too high a price. You
  have to let go.
• There is no feeling of superiority or
  hostility. You simply cannot afford the
  relationship any more.

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that Difficult Person
• 3. I see your rage as childish, not
  forceful.
• Here is how you can heal your perceptions.
• This fact reminds you that anger is
  weakness, not strength.
• Work with this fact and watch it release its
  treasures of wisdom and self-command.
• You'll never again cringe before an angry
  person.

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that Difficult Person
• 4. You don't know it, but I remain at a safe
  inner distance from you.
• You see anger from a higher place. Instead
  of being immersed in it, you're above it now.
• You need never descend to a lower level to
  accommodate an immature adult.
• With this fact, your life is in your power!

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that Difficult Person
• 5. I will not injure you by doing your work.
• Difficult people are very sly in getting
  others to carry their load. They are difficult
  precisely because they have refused
  self-responsibility.
• We harm adults when we do things for them
  that they must do for themselves.

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that Difficult Person
• 6. I sense a lot of anger in your gloom.
• This fact is in the same category as number
  3 above, "I see your rage as childish, not
  forceful."
• It is called "reframing." Reframing teaches
  us to see things through an entirely different
  lens. It is an amazingly effective method for
  self-renewal.
• It can be compassionate to say an
  encouraging word at times. But we have to be
  wise!

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Managing Conflict

• Dealing with that Difficult Person
• 7. If you want a destructive fight you will
  have to fight all alone.
• A destructive fight is what the difficult
  person is after. It's what they want, not what
  you want. With this fact you can stay in your own
  clear skies.
• If you refuse to battle the difficult person
  on their own turf, what can they do about it?
• The only way they can control you is if you
  catch the negative ropes they toss.
• Tom Russell

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Managing Conflict

• The Cost
• of
• Unresolved Conflict

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Managing Conflict

• The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
• Conflict Can Be Physically Painful
• Research on social exclusion shows that the pain
  of loneliness and social rejection is processed
  by the same area of the brain that processes
  physical pain.
• This explains why feeling rejected by a loved one
  can actually be physically painful.
• If you're involved in a relationship that
  includes significant conflict and repeated
  feelings of rejection, you probably already know
  that you're also experiencing physical pain on a
  regular basis.

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Managing Conflict

• The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
• Unacknowledged Conflict Can Still Hurt You
• Relationships in which people never fight
  arent always as blissful as they seem.
• In real life, conflict is inevitable, and
  resolving it effectively can often be a pathway
  to greater understanding between two people,
  bringing them closer.
• Relationships in which anger is suppressed and
  unacknowledged by one or both partners can
  actually be unhealthy -- literally.

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Managing Conflict

• The Cost of Unresolved Conflict
• Forgive and Forget
• If resolving the conflict seems impossible or too
  costly to attempt, you need to protect yourself
  from the long-term effects of unresolved
  conflict.
• Its probably a good idea to try to forgive the
  other person and let it go.
• Forgiving doesnt mean opening yourself up to
  being wronged again or that you have condoned the
  behavior that created the conflict.
• It means that you have decided that carrying the
  weight of anger and frustration associated with
  unresolved conflict is too heavy a weight to
  continue to bear.
• You can be careful in what you expect from this
  person in the future without actively harboring
  resentment, and youll be the one to benefit the
  most.

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Managing Conflict

• The Cost of Unresolved
  Conflict
• Cut The Person Out of Your Life
• If what the other person did was abusive and
  theres absolutely no remorse or reason to expect
  things to be different in the future, you can
  severely limit your dealings with this person, or
  cut off contact altogether.
• This is normally a last-resort choice, but in
  cases of abuse, its sometimes a necessary one to
  make for your own emotional health.
• In any event, in relationships that may cause
  harm to you or others, limiting the number
  victims may mean removing yourself from the
  equation.

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Managing Conflict

• Truth springs from
• arguments amongst friends.
• David Hume

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Managing Conflict

• Tom Neal tgneal_at_tgneal.com