Ch. 4-1

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Chapter 4

• Revising and Proofreading Business Messages

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Revising and Proofreading

• Revising Improving content and sentence
  structure. May involve adding, cutting,
  recasting.
• Proofreading Correcting grammar, spelling,
  punctuation, format, and mechanics.

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Concise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.

• Instead of this
• We are of the opinion that
• Please feel free to
• In addition to the above
• At this point in time
• Despite the fact that

• Try this
• We think
• Please
• Also
• Now
• Although

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Wordy Prepositional Phrases

• Instead of this
• We dont as a general rule cash personal
  cheques.
• Students in very few instances receive parking
  tickets.
• She calls meetings on a monthly basis.

• Try this
• We dont generally cash personal cheques.
• Students seldom receive parking tickets.
• She calls monthly meetings.

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Long Lead-Ins

• Instead of this
• This memo is to inform you that all employees
  meet today.
• I am writing this letter to say thanks to
  everyone who voted.

• Try this
• All employees meet today.
• Thanks to everyone who voted.

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Outdated Expressions

• Outdated
• as per your request
• thanking you in advance
• attached hereunto
• under separate cover

• Modern
• at your request
• thank you
• attached
• separately

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Needless Adverbs
To sound more credible and to streamline your
writing, omit adverbs such as definitely, quite,
really, actually, and so forth.

• Instead of this
• The manager is actually quite pleased with your
  proposal because the plan is definitely workable.

• Try this
• The manager is pleased with your proposal
  because the plan is workable.

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Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
and it when used merely to take up space.

• Instead of this
• There are two employees who should be promoted.
• It was Lisa and Jeff who were singled out.

• Try this
• Two employees should be promoted.
• Lisa and Jeff were singled out.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence to avoid a long
  lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated
  expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other
  forms of wordiness.
• This e-mail message is to inform you that in all
  probability we will actually finish in two weeks.
• We will probably finish in two weeks.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence to avoid a long
  lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated
  expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other
  forms of wordiness.
• There are many brokers who are quite certain
  that these stocks are completely safe.
• Many brokers are certain that these stocks are
  safe.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence to avoid a long
  lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated
  expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other
  forms of wordiness.
• Pursuant to your request, there are two
  contracts that are attached hereto.
• As you requested, two contracts are attached.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence to avoid a long
  lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated
  expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other
  forms of wordiness.
• All employees are hereby informed that as a
  general rule computers may not be used for
  personal activities.
• Generally, employees may not use computers for
  personal activities.

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Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words
could be omitted in these expressions?

• advance warning
• close proximity
• exactly identical
• filled to capacity
• final outcome

• necessary requisite
• new beginning
• past history
• refer back
• thought and consideration

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Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.

• Computer jargon
• queue
• export
• bandwidth

• Alternative language
• list of documents waiting to be printed
• transfer data from one program to another
• Internet capacity

Is jargon ever permissible?
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Slang
Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary
or extravagantly changed meanings).

• clueless
• turkey
• chill/chill out

• unaware, naïve
• someone stupid or silly
• relax

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Clichés
Avoid clichés (overused expressions) by
substituting more precise words.

• Last but not least, you should keep your nose to
  the grindstone.
• We had reached the end of our rope.

• Finally, you should work diligently.
• We could go no farther.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence to avoid slang,
  clichés, and redundancies.
• Last but not least, the accountant referred back
  to an exactly identical case.
• Finally, the accountant referred to an
  identical case.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence to avoid slang,
  clichés, and redundancies.
• With a little advance warning, we could have
  sold out before our stocks tanked.
• With warning, we could have sold out before our
  stocks hit bottom.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence to avoid slang,
  clichés, and redundancies.
• Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the hip,
  demanded final completion by January 1.
• Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded
  completion by January 1.

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Precise Verbs

• Revise your writing to include precise verbs
  instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones.
• Market researchers said that profits would
  improve.
• What more precise verbs could replace said?
• Market researchers forecasted improved profits.
• Market researchers promised improved profits.
• Market researchers predicted improved profits.

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Precise Verbs

• Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns.
• The manager came to the realization that
  telecommuting made sense.
• The manager realized that telecommuting made
  sense.
• An application must be made by the job seeker.
• The job seeker must apply.

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Precise Verbs

• TIP
• Look for words ending in tion or ment.
• Could they be more efficiently and forcefully
  converted to verbs?

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence using more precise
  verbs.
• The seller said she would contact you.
• The seller promised to e-mail telephone or
  fax you.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence describing the
  action using a verb.
• We must give encouragement to our team.
• We must encourage our team.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence describing the
  action using a verb.
• Have you made an application for employment?
• Have you applied for employment?

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence describing the
  action using a verb.
• A duty of the general manager is the calculation
  of monthly sales.
• The general manager calculates monthly sales.

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Try Your Skill

• Revise the following sentence describing the
  action using a verb.
• The establishment of new methods was effected by
  Kevin.
• Kevin established new methods.

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Concrete Nouns

• Revise your writing to include specific,
  concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones.
• The man asked for a raise.
• Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary
  increase.
• An employee presented a proposal.
• Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a
  plan to stagger hours.

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Vivid Adjectives

• Revise your writing to include descriptive,
  dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
  all-purpose ones.
• The report was good.
• The report was persuasive (or detailed,
  original, thorough, painstaking, complete,
  comprehensive).
• The report was bad.
• (Possible revisions?)

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What to Watch for in Proofreading

• Spelling
• Grammar
• Punctuation
• Names and numbers
• Format
• Consistency

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How to Proofread Complex Documents

• Print a copy, preferably double-spaced, and set
  it aside.
• Allow adequate time.
• Be prepared to find errors.
• Read once for meaning and once for
  grammar/mechanics.
• Reduce your reading speed.

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How to Proofread Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect

• Have someone read aloud the original while
  someone else checks the printout.
• Spell names.
• Spell difficult words.
• Note capitalization.
• Note punctuation.

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• End