Studies

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Studies in Genesis
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Marriage under Stress Gen 29v31-30v24
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Introduction
This passage reads more like a screenplay for an
episode of Dallas or a similar TV soap drama with
all its intrigue, jealousy, ambition, lust and
competitive hatred. The title, A Marriage
Counsellor's Nightmare, would not be out of
place in describing this portion of scripture.
That said the stresses, which we find operating
here, are not far removed from those stresses
found operating in many families today. We will
quickly see the contemporary relevance of these
verses.
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The Initial Cause of Stress
In every situation of family stress there is
often an initial cause from which everything else
flows. In this case it is polygamy. Jacob
wilfully decided to set up home with two wives.
He'd been deceived in his first marriage. It
wasn't a true love match. Therefore, he felt
quite justified in bringing another wife into his
home. God is not consulted. Did Jacob suspect
that God would not approve of his plan? Was Jacob
aware of God's clearly published direction for
marriage found in Gen. 2.23-24? Did Jacob like
so many contemporaries think, that in the
business of human relationships, they know
better than God?
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The Initial Cause of Stress
Understanding the significance of man and woman
becoming one flesh is fundamental to our
understanding of marriage. Under a 'general
anaesthetic' God had removed Adam's rib and from
it had created Eve. Follow carefully what we are
told. From the undifferentiated humanity of Adam
both male and female emerged. When Adam awoke,
what he saw was a part of himself a compliment
to himself. When we grasp this, we see that
Adam's marriage is more than a union' it is in
one sense a 'reunion'. These two persons were
originally one, then they were separated from
each other and in the marriage encounter became
one again. There is therefore a beautiful
complementariness in marriage.
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The Initial Cause of Stress
It was this rich complementariness which Jacob
destroyed, when he took a second wife. We can
admire the graceful ice dancers like Torvil and
Dean. On ice they compliment one another and
produce a result, which is far greater than the
sum of their individual performances. Can you
imagine how the balance of their performance
would be disturbed if two Torvils and one Dean
appeared on the ice? Catastrophe would Result!
This is no less true of Jacob's marriage. The
one flesh partnership did not commend itself to
Jacob v11.
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The Initial Cause of Stress
The poet Shelly startled public opinion many
years ago, when he wrote I never was attracted
to that sect, Whose doctrine is that each one
should select out of the crowd a mistress or a
friend, And all the rest though fair and wise,
commend to cold oblivion. These words no longer
shock western society. Today we are told to
expect two people to grow apart! One contemporary
writer urges 'to let go of a marriage, which is
no longer good for you can be the most successful
thing you have done.' We're told not to be
concerned with commitment but with personal
fulfilment. But personal fulfilment is another
way of describing selfishness. When biblical
standards are abandoned human relationships,
which should be wholesome and therapeutic,
experience stress.
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The Initial Cause of Stress
Leah is not without some responsibility for this
disintegrating domestic scene. She had conspired
with her father to deceive Jacob on his wedding
night by taking her sisters place. She too was
to learn that deception is costly. Leah was the
wife Jacob didn't want and she knew it. Even her
ability to give him children did not earn his
favour for, Jacob loved Rachael more than Leah
v30. Marriage was not all that Leah had dreamed.
Many wives are neglected and despised by their
husbands. Some through no fault of their own.
Some like Leah bear an awful burden of guilt and
self reproach. In order to catch their man they
may have slept with their husbands before
marrying them. Others act deceitfully pretending
to be something they are not. They soon
discover the marriage dream is shattered.
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The Exacerbation of Stress
What contributed to the stress in Jacobs family?
First, Jacob's favouritism. He loved Rachel more
than Leah despite the havoc that favouritism had
produced in his own early childhood! Remember he
had been robbed of affection and love to which he
had a legitimate claim. Jealousy was aroused in
Leah's heart, when she saw the love that was
legitimately hers, was given to another. Husbands
can be incredibly insensitive! They wonder, why
their wives are silent at mealtimes or bang the
door on the way out of the room. Jealousy is a
legitimate emotion in the marriage bond. It is
aroused not only when a rightful 'love
commitment' is diverted by a partner to another
person, but to a partners job, or recreational
pursuit, to anything that denies the love to
which they have a legitimate claim.
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The Exacerbation of Stress
Secondly, look at the competitive environment of
the home. Rachel and Leah sought to outdo one
another in the production of children cf.
2932,34, 307. They struggled for superiority
over one another. When Rachael chose the name
Naphtali 308 which means 'my struggle', she
publicly proclaimed her rivalry with Leah. The
seriousness of this rivalry is seen in the
willingness of both wives to enter their
maid-servants into the baby bearing competition.
Like a poker game with each player constantly
raising their stake, I bid one wife'. 'I bid one
wife and four children'. Ill match your wife and
children and raise you a concubine and the
concubine's two children.' This competitive
spirit is a powerfully destructive thing in any
home, where one member presses for mastery over
the other.
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The Exacerbation of Stress
Invariably the winner sits alone, aloof on a
little pedestal of self importance. And because
all they have achieved has been done with one eye
on the others, there has been no enjoyment in the
actual process of achieving. As a result they
find themselves alienated in an environment of
stress. The stress in this home is intensified
because both sisters see love as something which
can be bought and earned. In this case by the
production of children cf 29v32. But this is to
misunderstand the nature of love. Whenever
someone tries to win love in this way, they make
their own and everyone else's life miserable. C.
S. Lewis illustrates this in his book, 'The Four
Loves' . One character, Mrs Fidget, is oblivious
to the harm she is doing to all of the family
members, who experience respite only after her
death.
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
How many, family situations are like Jacob's,
where family members neither live in harmony nor
live apart? They end up living to make each other
miserable, a habit which sometimes becomes too
strong to break. The lust to hurt overcomes the
yearning to love. Cruelty is slowly refined as
individuals discover and play upon the weaknesses
of one another. The tragedy of Jacob's family
is that Jacob does absolutely nothing to deal
with the situation. Like the heads of many
families he abdicates responsibility. Was he the
kind of person, who does not like to get
involved? Was he not a big enough man to admit
his mistake? Did he bury his head in the sand
and think that 'everything will work out O.K. in
the end'? That's a foolish policy to adopt
towards disrupted relationships!
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
Leah was the first to respond positively in this
stressful environment. Her misery drove her
Godward. It is hard not to pity Leah. Indeed, we
are told that this is precisely what God did in
giving her a child first v31. Leah sees Gods
hand in her situation and names the child
Reuben. Her second son she calls Simeon
because the Lord heard of her plight. How did
he hear? Leah had poured out her heart in prayer.
God hears the broken and contrite heart. As
Leah names her sons, she recognises that God has
blessed her in her misery. The word she uses to
describe God is not the remote Elohim but the
covenant name of Jehovah' suggesting that she
was being drawn to God in her misery. When Judah
is born she had stopped seeing childbirth as a
means of securing her husbands affection and
simply praises God for his gift. The name
Judah means 'praise.'
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
Leah was learning a valuable spiritual lesson.
God will not always change our domestic
circumstances but he will give us grace to live
in a less than perfect situation. Note that
while the children of both sisters and their
maid-servants were to be heads of the tribes of
Israel, Leah's sons were the fathers of the
greatest tribes. Levi was the father of the
priests, while Judah was the father of the tribe
through whom the Messiah would come. Jesus was
not born through Rachel's bloodline, but through
the bloodline of the rejected Leah.
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
Rachel's initial reaction to domestic stress is
quite different. She engages in a series of
desperate acts. In 30.1 she makes unreasonable
demands of her husband, 'Give me children or I
die'. She feels threatened by her sisters
fruitfulness and fears that it will win Jacob's
heart. But as Jacob pointed out, God is the
author of life appeal to him! Rachel knew she
was more attractive than her sister and she had
gone out of her way to let Leah know that she was
number one in her husbands affections. But
Rachel found it galling that her ugly sister
could conceive while she could not. She felt a
failure. Her beauty and her husbands love meant
little without children! Beautiful women and
people who seem to have everything often have
their own hidden problems. We need to be
sensitive to their frustrations.
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
Rachel's next act of desperation was her decision
to have children through her maid-servant.
Jacob's grandparents had done the same thing
years before and what a disaster that had been.
Had no one told Rachael? We often go to desperate
lengths by taking matters out of God's hands but
in the process complicate our lives unbearably.
When Rachael's maid, Bilhah, gave birth to a son
this was hailed as God's vindication v6. But it
was nothing of the sort! Rachel had acted
wilfully and then dragged God's name into the
scenario in an attempt to vindicate her
behaviour. God gets the blame for much of our
own wilfulness!
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
Rachel's third act of desperation is found in
v14... The mandrake was regarded as an
aphrodisiac and fertility inducer and Rachel's
was prepared to barter Jacob's services in
exchange for it. Rachels scheme backfired. Leah
conceived and gave birth to another son. God
used Rachel's childlessness to humble Rachael and
eventually the penny dropped! No longer does she
rely on her beauty, position, ingenuity or folk
remedies. Instead, she turns to God! Then God
remembered Rachel. He listened to her and
opened her womb v22. With the birth of Joseph
God is acknowledged as the author and giver of
life.
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
God wants us all to recognise that he is our
Sovereign and that we have been created to give
him pleasure. Eric Liddell was a Christian whom
God had called to full time service. He was also
a runner and his sister was concerned that his
running might distract him from Gods call. Before
winning an Olympic Gold medal and then travelling
as a missionary to China, he explained what he
saw as his competitive edge, I believe that God
made me for a purpose. But He also made me fast,
and when I run, I feel His pleasure. He ran for
Gods glory. When this motivates our lives then
the wrong kind of competitiveness is edited out.
We are not placed under stress to deliver but
liberated to please.
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
What effect did the stress and family tension
have upon the children and upon the development
of their character and personality? As we read on
we discover one son turned out to be a
talebearer, who got the others into hot water.
Two sons developed a cruel sadism and had no
qualms about putting a whole city to the sword.
One defiled his father's marriage bed There is
no family loyalty they even sold a brother into
slavery and allowed their father to think him
dead. How much of this behaviour was shaped by
the strained and insecure relationships that
they grew up with? Surely a great deal.
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Reaction in a Stress Environment
But the great lesson we must not lose sight of is
that despite this unwholesome beginning God
worked out his purposes in this family. These
sons became the heads of the 12 tribes of Israel.
No matter how unsavoury our background or how
traumatic our childhood may have been, we have a
God who is bigger than all these things. God can
use us despite them. We need not be a victim
crushed by our family circumstances. You may
carry emotional scars, which can be traced back
to the trauma of your early childhood and
the stress in your family home but God can heal
those emotions. He can cause your crushed
personality to blossom.
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Conclusion
The home is intended by God to be a haven, a
place of safety, a place of acceptance, where
family members love one another warts and all. It
is the secure environment in which we are to grow
and where children prepare themselves for
adulthood and independence. The responsibility of
parents is to recognise and do all on their power
to deal with that which produces stress. If you
answer that it is too late, stress is already
present, circumstances have been introduced,
which are not easily changed, then recognise
that God is able to give grace not only to
survive, but to use those circumstances to
equip you for his service.
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