DIVORCE

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DIVORCE
While divorce is stressful for children, research
has found that the way parents handle the divorce
process influences their childs adjustment.
Children are better adjusted if parents minimize
the conflict and work
together to help children deal with their new
living situation.
How to tell children you are divorcing.
It is best to share the news of a separation
before it happens. Its also best if both
parents are present when telling your child what
is happening. Parental feelings need to be kept
under control during this time. Provide a simple
explanation such as Mom and dad are not getting
along and need to live in different homes.
Make sure kids know that you both love them. In
addition, kids often think divorce is their
fault. Assure them that they did not cause the
divorce. Tell children how the divorce will
affect their lives such as where they will live,
what school will they attend, and how often will
they see each parent.
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How to tell children you are divorcing (contd.).
Children will react to your news in a variety
of ways, depending on the home situation and
their age. Some may show anger, others will cry,
others may be in shock and say little. Some may
have many questions. Answer their questions
honestly without giving too many details that
are adult in nature. Divorce is a grieving
process for children. They may go through
periods of denial, sh0ck, and anger before they
come to acceptance.
How children perceive divorce.
Children in the early elementary years are just
learning to verbally express their feelings.
Allow them to express their feelings without
being critical of them. Let them know you will
accept them. Sometimes it is good to have
another adult they can talk with such as a
grandparent, relative, or school counselor. If
they cant talk about their feelings, they may
show certain behaviors. They may become moody,
withdrawn, or argumentative. Their grades
may suffer because they are thinking about their
family situation. So, it is a good idea to
inform your childs teacher about the
divorce. This will help the teacher to better
understand your childs behavior.
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How children perceive divorce (contd.).
Children have a strong need for their family to
remain together. Often they fantasize about mom
and dad getting back together. You may say, I
know you want our family to be the way it was.
But mommy and daddy are not going to live
together. We will both always love
you. Children sometimes believe the divorce is
their fault. They often think they have power
to cause events. Reassure your child that the
divorce is not their fault. Children are usually
loyal to both parents. They should not be asked
to choose between parents or put in the position
of taking sides. The living arrangements you
choose will affect your childs relationship with
each parent. Often the child will miss the other
parent when they are not with them. You can help
by allowing phone calls or letters to the absent
parent. Children may express anger to
either parent. Although it may be hard to hear
this, it is a normal part of the healing
process. Allow them to express their
anger without judging them. Younger children
need a sense of security. When there is a
divorce, their sense of security is challenged.
They may not want to leave youthey have lost one
parent, they dont want to lose another one.
They may have nightmares for a while. Just be
there to reassure them.
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How children perceive divorce (contd.).
Children in the upper elementary grades are
better able to express their feelings. It is
important for them to discuss their feelings with
you or another trusted adult. Children may
have torn loyalties when spending time with both
parents. They want to please both parents. It
hurts your child for one parent to express
bad feelings toward the other parent. School is
a very important part of a childs life. If
possible, allow your child to remain in his/her
current school. It is helpful for your child to
attend a support group for children of divorce.
Contact your school counselor for
suggestions. Try to keep your childs
daily routine as normal as possible. This
helps your child make a better adjustment if
he/she has fewer disruptions in daily life.
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Making custody decisions.
Deciding on living arrangements and visitations
can be very tricky. In some situations one
parent moves away and is not involved in
parenting. You may need to help your child deal
with a sense of abandonment. Avoid saying
negative things about the absent parent.
Continue to reassure them that you will not
leave them. The decision about living
arrangements should be the parents
responsibilities. Children feel guilty if asked
to choose between parents. Also, a 50-50 split
between parents may not be the best arrangement
for children. Consider the following Is the
arrangement confusing for the children? Will
the arrangements affect your childs ability to
complete their school work? Does the
arrangement allow for normal sleep and meal
times. Will the arrangement interfere with
your childs social relationships? Will
your child still be able to participate in school
activities? Are both homes able to safely
provide for your childs basic needs?
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Making custody decisions (contd.).
Children need consistent rules. Talk with your
ex-spouse to discuss ways you can be consistent
between homes. Children should have clothes and
toys at both homes. This helps them to feel
comfortable at either home. Minimize stress at
transition times. Have a consistent plan for
dropping off and picking up your child. Be
cordial with your ex-mate. The visit will start
off on a negative note if children see parents
fighting during the transition times. Dont make
your child feel guilty about going to visit the
other parent. If they see you unduly upset, they
may feel guilty while visiting the other parent.
Children may avoid visiting their parent so they
do not upset youthis is not good for their
normal development. Dont ask your child to
deliver messages to your ex-spouse. While you
can make general inquiries about the visit,
children should not be pumped for information
about what goes on during the visit.
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Parenting during divorce.
Single parenting offers many new challenges such
as new child care arrangements, tighter
finances, more responsibility, and changes in
work schedules. Since you will be under more
stress, you need to think about taking care of
yourself. If you have family members in the
area, call on them for support. If not, there
are many community support groups which may
help you through this time. Check with churches,
community centers, hospitals, or private
counselors for group times. One of the best ways
to help your during divorce is for
you and your ex-spouse to resolve the anger and
resentment you have toward one another.
Support groups can help you work
through these issues.
Children need structure and stability during
divorce. Try to keep the same meal and bedtime
routines. It is also important that children
attend school regularly because school provides
children with a sense of security. Continue
enforcing your rules. Some parents slack off in
enforcing rules. But, children need
as much as possible for life to remain as
it was before the divorce.
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Parenting during divorce (contd.)
Keeping rules consistent may be difficult when
children stay in two homes. Both parents should
discuss rules, trying to agree on major issues.
Children quickly learn to play one parent
against the other. So, ideally you should
work out inconsistencies with your ex-spouse.
If that is not possible, tell your child that
you have certain rules they must follow
when in your home. Do not put down your
ex-spousejust enforce your rules.
If you only see your child for short periods of
time, you will want this time to be enjoyable.
However, children still need structure and rules
while at your home. Dont get into the habit of
providing many material goods at each visit. Your
child wants your attention more than they want
material goods. Additionally, it is not fair to
the other parent if you provide presents, fun
activities, and lax rules every
time they visit.
Hopefully, these tips have helped you. Call Mrs.
Laucks at 637-9000, ext. 400 if you have
questions.