Marriage by the Book

1
Marriage by the Book

• RMNI.org
• Jim Sutherland, Ph.D.

2
Hey, Adam !

• Genesis and the Garden are factual history.
• If they werent, then Paul (2 Cor. 113 Eph.
  531 1 Tim. 213-14) Luke (Luke 338), Jude
  (Jude 114) and Jesus (Gen. 127 224 Matt.
  194-6) were wrong. Would Jesus quote a myth to
  argue against divorce?
• Adam was so real, you could have delivered a
  pizza to him.

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Many in the US cannot even define marriage

• America has drifted so far from truth, that gay
  marriages are being performed around the county
  by government agencies, and even by some
  churches, such as some in the United Methodist
  church.
• Christians are pushing for a constitutional
  amendment to define marriage as only between a
  male and a female.
• Since they did not think it worthwhile to retain
  the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a
  depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.
  (Rom. 128, NIV).

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The Minority Stand

• In a country in which pluralism is the accepted
  posturewhere no particular truth claim is higher
  than anotherand all may be right, Christians
  should unashamedly rely upon the truth claims of
  the Bible, and rejoice that we dont have to
  submit to the changing tides of research studies,
  liberal psychology or the current majority view
  for guidance.
• Christians believe in universal truth, moral
  absolutes, in Christ, and the Bible without
  apology. We even believe in innate differences
  between the sexes and roles for husband and wife.

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What is Marriage?

• Marriage is the union of a male and female by
  covenantal vows and mutually exclusive physical
  union, becoming one flesh (Gen. 224) before
  God.
• Francis Schaeffer saw that the natural destiny of
  the man/woman relationship is union, through
  degrees of intimacy. In courtship we
  emotionally undress to reveal our true self,
  and in marriage move to physically undressing
  (Joe Novenson).
• God exists as a tri-unity. There was love among
  the Trinity before humans (John 1724-Schaeffer).
  Being in His image, we desire union and a
  love-intimacy.

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What is Marriage?

• After the Fall, marriage became an ideal crucible
  for Christian growth. The mate becomes a
  relentless mirror of our character. My wife used
  to think she was a pretty good Christian until
  marriage got in the way. Marriage brings out our
  sin.
• When single it is easy to please self and
  minimize exposing yourself.
• The married state throws a Christian upon God to
  make it work. Christians must rely upon God for
  ultimate truth and justice and to even to decide
  who is really right!

7
Fallout From the Fall

• All relationships are corrupted with God,
  spouse, family, other kin, with employers, the
  larger society and even anger against self
  (Francis Schaeffer) in self-destructive behavior.
  
• Husbands abuse power, wives wrest power, both
  exploit sex. Nakedness between mates became
  shameful, indicating a breakdown of intimacy
  generally. The need to communicate may turn to
  nagging (5 times a besetting sin of women in
  Proverbs).
• We tend toward selfishness generally.
• The command to bear children became a pain.

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Why Do We Celebrate Marriage?

• 10 of the US population was currently
  divorced in 1998 (19.4 million).
• 34 of all Americans and 53 of Blacks between
  25-34 refrain from marriage.
• 33 of born-again American Christians have
  been divorced, compared to 34 of
  non-Christians, according to Barna Research
  (2001).
• 44 of those under age 35 have cohabited, and
  25 of born-again Christians have cohabited
  (Barna, 2001).

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Why Marriage?(1. For Companionship--It is not
good for the man to be alone, I will make a
helper suitable for him. God, Genesis 218
(NIV)Life is enjoyed together (1 Pet. 37)
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Why Marriage?(2. She is a sign of Gods
favor.Even after sin entered the worldHe who
finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor
from the Lord. God, through Solomon, Proverbs
1822Married men live longer than single or
divorced men.A noble wife crowns him (Prov.
124)She is mans glory (1 Cor. 117).
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(3 Two Are Better Than One They are more
productive (Ecclesiastes 49).One can nurse the
other when sick (Eccles. 410).They can warm
each other at night (Eccles. 411).They can
defend themselves better, normally (Eccles. 412).
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(4. Marriage is Gods instrument to fill the
earth and subdue it, then to rule it (Gen.
128). This is stated just after reminding us
that God created male and female in His own image
(v. 27)He who created and rules the universe.We
cannot fill the earth asexually.We are
joint-heirs of the earth.
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• (5 Marriage is for mutual sexual joy (Prov.
  515-21)
• Eve was presented to Adam as a giftthe most
  beautiful girl in the worlddrop-dead gorgeous.

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(6 We are to glorify God together1 Cor. 103
Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of
God.The focus of life remains God. Pleasing
God comes before pleasing the spouse, if there is
a contest.We form a ministry team (Joel
Hunter) when we marry.
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The Mystery of the Mate

• MARRIAGE IS A MYSTERY
• 2 ? 1 FLESH (Gen. 224)
• They are so much one that God wont answer the
  husbands prayers if he is inconsiderate of his
  wife (1 Pet. 37).
• Why does a wife stay with an abusive or
  irresponsible husband?
• The Desire of the wife is for the husband (Gen.
  316b)

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The Mystery of the Mate

• Familiarity does not breed contempt.
• Men generally stay as beauty fades.
• The sexual relationship can get much better with
  years--even after the ecstasy of the honeymoon.
• What causes a woman to ride with her man a
  lifetime?
• How can such opposites coexist?
• How do a male and female cardinal stay together?

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Headship--defined

• With great wisdom the Bible mandates no
  particular style, manner, or set of behaviors
  that alone qualify as biblical headship. In
  fact, there are probably as many legitimate
  expressions of headship as there are variations
  of personality. Biblical headship is simply the
  exercise of a God-given authority whereby a man
  does all that is within his power to see that
  love, justice, and mercy rule in his home, even
  where fostering such qualities requires his own
  personal sacrifice. --Bryan Chapel
• Each for the Other, p. 68

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The Husbands Headship

• This headship derives from the order of
  creation
• Adam was created first, and woman for man (1 Tim.
  212-14)
• Christ is the head of man, and man is the head of
  woman (1 Cor. 113).
• Adam was not deceived by Satan, Eve was. Adam
  however did not protect her, but allowed his wife
  to sin, being with her when she ate the forbidden
  fruit (Gen. 36).
• Husbands fail to be godly leaders because of
  laziness or fear.

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His Headship

• The Father exercises authority within the
  Godhead, sending the Son and Spirit and the Son
  obeying the Father (John 1416 1510). The
  church (bride) should submit to Christ (Eph.
  524). Marriage is analogous.
• Cults pervert the divine Groom/Bride analogy.
  Cultic grooms exploit, lie, manipulate and take
  from the Bride, giving false truth, holding false
  authority, giving false community and a false
  worldview, leading to destruction.
• The wife should submit in everything (Col.
  318 Eph. 524), except if told to sin. She may
  disagree, and she should provide her perspective,
  but not disobey.

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His Headship--2

• Headship is not fun. He takes final
  responsibility before God for decisions. When
  there is a stalemate, he must break the tie.
  Sometimes he will submit to his wifes desires
  (Eph. 521).
• The wife trusts that God will bring good from his
  decisions (Rom. 828)even bad ones.
• Children are to submit to the authority of both
  parents, if present.

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Headship--3

• Husbands, given (generally) greater physical
  strength and desire to subdue, will sometimes
  abuse that power, even beating his wifea sin
  against his own body (Eph. 528).
• Wives may think that beating is a sign of love,
  or manipulate him to beat her so that she can get
  something (Uganda). Half of Indias women think
  wife-beating is sometimes justified.
• The husband is designed more to conquer the
  world at work and at war. He is known at the
  city gateshe at the city well.

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Justice in Marriage

• Without Christ, the husband has no recourse or
  buffer, and may rely upon punishing/bullying to
  get what he wants. He exacts justice.
• Without Christ, the wife has no recourse except
  wits and charm and finally leaving.
• Without the cross of Christ no buffer exists
  between spouses, no ultimate payment for wrong.

23
Justice in Marriage

• With Christ, we understand that His cross
  ultimately paid for every sin, whether or not our
  spouse or children confess.
• With God, nobody eludes justice. Vengeance is
  His, and He will repay (Rom. 1219).
• It isnt worth wasting days in vexation over the
  sin of another. None will avoid justice,
  including those in denial, the unrepentant and
  the hard of heart.

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The Husbands Role

• Husband means gardener. He is the cultivator
  of the garden, which is his wife. How does your
  garden grow?
• She blooms in a loving environment. His major job
  is to love his wife (Eph. 525 Col. 319). This
  love (agapeGreek) is not based upon the
  performance of the one loved, but is based more
  upon the character of the one loving. Love is
  practically defined positively at 1 Cor. 134-7
  as being patient, kind, rejoicing with the
  truth, protective, trusting, hopeful and
  persevering.

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His Role--2

• The obverse of love is not being boastful, proud,
  rude, selfish, easily angered, not keeping track
  of offenses and not delighting in evil (mistakes
  and faults of the spouse).
• This love reflects Christs self-sacrifice for
  the Church (Eph. 525). Christ will never
  forsake the Church (Heb. 135), He forgives, He
  intercedes for, and He shows grace (unmerited
  favor).
• Living together without marriage blasphemes the
  picture of Christ and His bride (Schaeffer).

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His Role--3

• Christ works for the purity and holiness of the
  Church (Eph. 525-27). The husband should
  promote her spiritual nourishment through taking
  her to worship, agreeing in prayer, intercession,
  encouraging her devotional reading, answering
  questions (1 Cor. 1435) etc., and spiritual
  leadership generally.
• Christ gives the abundant life to His Bride
  (John 1010-11), which is not material. Her
  needs came before His comfort.
• He is to provide for the familys material needs,
  or he is worse than a heathen (1 Tim. 58). He
  is responsible to provide, not her.

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His Role--4

• He is to try to understand her, to live with her
  in harmony (1 Pet. 37). That knowledge will
  guide activities and expectations. I dont try
  to watch videos with Judi.
• He does well to provide her freedom, as did the
  husband of the Prov. 31 wife. I believe he will
  have to answer to God for the stewardship of his
  wifes abilities. Did he help them blossom? I
  know a Christian who discouraged his wifes
  formal studies, photography and normal social
  interaction with men (even when he was present).
  She finally sued for (unscriptural) divorce.

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His Role--5

• Willard Harley identified 5 needs of wives,
  derived from years of marriage counseling. They
  are affection, conversation, honesty and
  openness, financial support and family
  commitment. Affection does not necessarily
  include sexual love.
• Women (right brain-dominant) are more verbal than
  men (left brain-dominant).
• If her head is dishonest or secretive, this
  puts the ship of the marriage/family into
  uncharted and foreboding waters. I meet
  dishonest men in financial counseling.

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His Role--6

• She should not have to go to work unless he is
  not there. The wife needs financial security far
  more than does he. She should have accurate
  knowledge of finances.
• He is to protect his family physically and
  emotionally, as far as possible.
• Love blossoms in mutual commitment and relative
  security. An absent huband/father is like a bird
  straying from its nest (Prov. 278). She wants a
  secure nest in which to raise their children.
  Commitment to all children is increasingly
  important with blended families.

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His Role7

• He is NOT her
• Father
• Boss
• Critic
• Commander or Dictator
• God
• He cannot even provide for all her needsonly God
  can.

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Her Role

• She is to be chaste and submissive in everything,
  in the Lord (1 Pet. 31-2).
• She is to love him (1 Pet. 36-7 Titus 24).
  This is not only the husbands role.
• She is to help her husband. Normally this means
  that she is busy at home (Titus 25 1 Tim.
  514). The Prov. 31 wife took care of her
  household before engaging in outside business.
  If she can take care of home and business too, no
  problem, with his approval.
• She provides a clean environment from which to
  operate, including a clean clothes and home. If
  she must work fulltime, then he should share the
  household responsibilities.
• She provides the primary care and nurture of the
  children, as her body was designed to do, and
  since he must work, generally outside the home,
  to support the family.

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Her Role--2

• She nurses when he is sick and may need to
  provide temporarily due to sickness or to support
  her husband in school as he prepares for a better
  job.
• She needs to be flexible to meet the changing
  needs of her home, the developmental needs of
  children, and her husband.
• Role 1 is wife. Mother is Role 2. Daughter is
  Role 3. They are to leave parents and cleave to
  each other (Gen. 224).
• She, while being more verbal, is not to be
  contentious.

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Her Role--3

• Willard Harleys understanding of the 5 greatest
  needs of the husband are sexual fulfillment,
  recreational companionship, an attractive spouse,
  domestic support, admiration.
• Since there is so much immorality, each man
  should have his own wife, and each woman her own
  husband. The husband should fulfill his marital
  duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her
  husband. The wifes body does not belong to her
  alone, but also to her husband. In the same way,
  the husbands body does not belong to him alone
  but also to his wife (1 Cor. 72,4, NIV).
• The best sexual relationship is within a stable
  and loving relationship.

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Her Role--4

• At marriage we grant exclusive sexual rights to
  each other (1 Cor. 72-6). These rights are not
  to be used as weapons.
• God invented sex to be outrageously fine. The
  Song of Solomon ch. 4 describes the pleasures of
  married romantic love. God could have designed
  reproduction without pleasure and there could be
  no category as sexual joy.
• Sin drives us apartsex draws us together, and I
  think by design. Its hard for me to stay mad at
  my wife for more than 3 days.
• The marriage bed is pure (Heb. 134). God will
  judge those who defile it with another lover.
• Her breasts are to satisfy the husband at all
  times and the husband is admonished to be
  ravished with his wifes love (Prov. 515-23).

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Her Role5

• William Mattox reported that University of
  Chicago researchers released the results of the
  most comprehensive and methodologically sound
  sex survey ever conducted. They reported that
  religious women experience significantly higher
  levels of sexual satisfaction than non-religious
  women. This has been termed, the revenge of
  the church ladies.
• Why? They benefit from no prior sexual
  experience.
• They benefit from a commitment to marriage
  permanence.
• They enjoy far more sexual freedom and lack of
  guilt.
• Finally, church ladies appear to benefit from
  the belief that God created sex.
• The sexual relationship can get better with time,
  instead of worse, as might be expected.
• A married Christian husband likened sex to the
  frosting on the cake. But all that frosting
  without a base would not be goodthe base is
  needed to make the frosting taste good.

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Her Role-6

• A woman disobeys God when she ignores,
  undermines, or counters the properly expressed
  authority of her husband. At the same time, the
  apostles example the wife submitting as the
  Church to Christ frees the wife from submission
  to ungodly demands since the churchs submission
  to Christ never includes participation in evil or
  yielding to what dishonors Gods plan for his
  people. --Bryan Chapel
• Each for the Other, p. 81

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Single Moms

• God takes special care of widows and the
  fatherless (Deut. 1429 1611, etc).
• We can do all things through Christ who
  strengthens us (Phil 413), even raising children
  alone.
• Stay involved in a church with godly men, who may
  show kindness toward your children. Some may
  become a more godly influence than the spouse
  would have been.
• Churches should help single moms, through teams
  of deacons giving individualized guidance and
  assistance.

38
Single Moms

• Some churches have a periodic car maintenance day
  in the parking lot for singles who cannot afford
  it. Other churches provide daycare for Moms who
  must work.
• Go to the elders/deacons for guidance as needed.
• Cry out to God for your children (Lam. 219, cf.
  Isaiah 2922-24). He wants godly children, so you
  are praying in Gods will and you will receive
  your request (1 John 514).