Love and Intimacy

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Chapter 7

• Love and Intimacy

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Friendship and Love

• How are they the same?
• How are they different?

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The Forms and Measures of Love

• Romantic love
• Companionate love (conjugal love)

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Colors of Love (Lee, 1974, 1998)

1. Eros romantic love.
2. Ludus the art of seduction.
3. Storage quiet, calm love that builds over time.
4. Mania consumed by thoughts of the beloved highs
   and lows.
5. Pragma realistic love, made the best deal.
6. Agape altruistic, selfless, never demanding,
   patient, and true love.

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Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)

• Love is three elements that can be combined to
  produce 7 different types of love
• Three basic elements
• Passion sexual desire and physical attraction
  part of romantic love
• Intimacy connection and feelings of closeness
  an emotional investment
• Commitment to love in the short term to
  maintain that love in the long term

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Can We Measure Love?

• Rubin (1970, 1973)
• Degrees of Needing
• Caring
• Trusting
• Measure aspects of relationships
• Davis Relationship Rating Scale
• Hatfield Sprecher Passionate Love Scale

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The Origins of Love

• Behavioral Reinforcement Theories
• Cognitive Theories
• Evolutionary Theory
• Physiological Arousal Theory
• Other Biological Factors

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Behavioral Reinforcement Theories

• Reinforcement
• Positive associations
• Mutually reinforcing activities

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Cognitive Theories

• Love is an interpretation
• Like leads to attraction

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Evolutionary Theory

• Humans have 3 basic instincts
• Need for protection
• Parent protects the child
• Sexual drive
• We love in order to produce offspring
• Heterosexual men want healthy women
• Heterosexual women want men with resources

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Physiological Arousal Theory

• Physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion,
  such as love
• We are more likely to experience love when we are
  physiologically aroused for any reason
• Couples who met during a crisis more likely to
  feel strongly about one another
• Arousal is a necessary component of love, but
  love is more than arousal alone

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Other Biological Factors

• Pheremones
• Neurotransmitters

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Love from Childhood to Maturity

• Love becomes more complex as we age
• Childhood
• Adolescence
• Adult Love and Intimacy

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Childhood

• Attachment types
• Secure accepts caregiver leaving
• Anxious/ambivalent panic if left alone
• Avoidant caregiver forces parting early
• Childhood attachment styles may influence type of
  intimate relationships we form as adults
• Children with divorced parents decreased well
  being after parents divorce less trust of
  partners more likely to experience a divorce in
  own lives

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Adolescence

• Role repertoire
• Intimacy repertoire
• Usually begin with an unattainable crush
  romantic love more likely if parents
  relationship is stable, at ease with own body

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Adult Love and Intimacy

• Field of Eligibles
• Proximity people you know or see often
• Similarity background, values, attitudes
• Physical Attraction matching hypothesis
• Personality openness, sociability, humor
• Economic Resources especially in men
• Mutual Attraction and Love
• Ideal qualities are consistent across gender,
  culture, and sexual orientation

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Attraction in Different Cultures

• Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989)
• Men valued good looks in their partner
• Women valued good financial prospect in their
  partner
• Men preferred younger partners
• Women preferred older partners

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Intimate Relationships

• Self-disclosure is important
• Those who value intimacy tend to be more
  trusting, concerned for others, disclose more,
  have more positive thoughts about others, are
  perceived as more likable, smile, laugh, make
  more eye contact, and enjoy marriage more

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Male and Female Styles of Intimacy

• Culturally transmitted gender roles may be the
  largest factor in affecting style of intimacy
• Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy, or
  maybe they just do it differently than women,
  such as through behavior
• Gay men are more likely to believe in the
  importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic
  partner than heterosexual men

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Intimacy in Different Cultures

• Culture seems to be more influential than gender
  in love and intimacy style
• Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures
• Strength of stereotypical gender roles affects
  level of intimacy the stronger the stereotype,
  the less attached couples are
• Western countries rate love as highly important,
  less developed Asian countries rated love the
  lowest

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Long-Term Love and Commitment

• Effort and commitment are required to maintain a
  relationship
• Women feel lonely in a marriage that has less
  liking, marital satisfaction, self-disclosure,
  and love
• Men feel lonely in a marriage that has less
  intimacy, liking, and communication

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Loss of Love

• A time of mourning
• Sadness, depression, anger
• Vulnerable to enter another relationship
• Vulnerable to lowered self-esteem, self-blame,
  distrust others

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Love, Sex and How We Build Intimate Relationships

• Sexual intercourse can express affection,
  intimacy, and love
• Before engaging in a sexual relationship, people
  should about the following
• Clarify values
• Be honest with yourself
• Be honest with your partner

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Love, Sex and How We Build Intimate Relationships
(Cont.)

• Initial attraction increases intimacy more eye
  contact, more touches
• Body language reveals attraction, and the female
  typically starts
• Initially it is contact and conversation with
  bodies turned toward each other, followed by
  tentative touches that increase in duration and
  intimacy, then full body synchronization
• Higher sexual desire, less unfaithful thoughts

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Developing Intimacy Skills

• Self-love being at ease with ourselves, both
  the positive and negative qualities
• Receptivity shows others we are open to
  communication, approachable
• Listening provide full attention
• Affection warmth and security with others
• Trust a requirement that develops slowly
• Respect acknowledge and understand anothers
  needs dont have to share them

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The Dark Side of Love

• Jealousy
• Compulsiveness
• Possessiveness

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Jealousy

• Interpretation and emotional reaction that a
  relationship is threatened
• Most jealous if the person we believe is
  threatening the relationship has qualities we
  want ourselves
• More common with low self-esteem

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Jealousy (Cont.)

• Men more jealous of a females sexual infidelity
• Women more jealous of a males emotional
  infidelity
• Both genders more threatened by sexual infidelity
  in short-term relationships
• Both genders more threatened by emotional
  infidelity in long-term relationships

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Jealousy (Cont.)

• Male heterosexuals more jealous of male-female
  sexual infidelity
• Heterosexual women more jealous of male-male
  sexual infidelity
• Much unknown about homosexual infidelity
• Jealousy is in all cultures, although the reasons
  may vary
• Jealousy shows a lack of trust self-esteem

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Compulsiveness

• Love releases phenylethylamine (also in
  chocolate), which produces feelings of euphoria
  and love addiction
• Society and media reinforces the need to be in
  love and may be carried over from adolescence
  without maturing

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Possessiveness

• Trying to manipulate the partner in attempts to
  feel worthy
• Is a sign of low self-esteem and can lead to
  stalking
• May require help from a mental health professional