Assertiveness I: The Drama Triangle Game

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Assertiveness I The Drama Triangle Game

• Chapter 4.2.6

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Overview

• This presentation explains The Drama Triangle,
  a model developed in the field of psychology to
  describe a very common pattern of behavior that
  keeps us playing games and going around in
  circles rather than really solving problems.

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Being Helpful

• Many of us are drawn to work with DB people
  because we enjoy being helpful and have a sense
  of social justice.
• This is a strength.
• Yet, this strength overplayed becomes a weakness.
• When we overdo being helpful, we take-over from
  others inappropriately.

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Being Nice

• Many of us were taught to be nice and not
  bother other people, not be pushy or
  self-centered. This is a strength.
• Again, this can be over-done. When it is
  overdone, a nice person does not take care of
  their own needs.
• Yet, SSPs get tired, need to use the restroom,
  and so on. To ignore these needs is not healthy.

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Self-Care

• Similarly, self-care is a virtue but this too can
  be overdone.
• When we defend our boundaries and guard our own
  space over-zealously, we can cross the boundaries
  of others or act in an aggressive way.

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Drama

• When we let feelings carry us away and dont
  focus on a problem analytically, we get all upset
  and there ensues drama.
• Feelings or emotions should be a signal to think
  through the problem
• If cold, turn up the heat, get a jacket, etc.
• If worried about paying bills, get a raise, take
  more work, cut back on spending, etc.
• Sometimes we would rather enjoy the drama.

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Karpman Steiner

• There is a model of interaction called The Drama
  Triangle
• This model was developed by Stephen Karpman and
  further developed by Claude Steiner, who applied
  it to dysfunctional relationships as interpreted
  by Eric Berne (Transactional Analysis).
• This model has been extremely helpful for
  interpreters and SSPs.

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Conscious

• The Drama Triangle (DT) game is so prevalent in
  society that it is present in virtually every
  group or class.
• The goal here is not to criticize (punish or
  persecute) ourselves for engaging in it, but to
  become conscious and change.

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The Drama Triangle
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The Drama Triangle

• The theory of the Drama Triangle is that there
  are three basic roles to most dramas.
• The classic roles are
• Victim
• Persecutor
• Rescuer
• Think of the dramas we see in the movies, in
  books, and so on the bad guy, the victim and
  the good guy.

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Game

• These dramas are interesting, keep us engaged,
  and get our adrenalin going.
• Unfortunately, the roles also keep us
  play-actingand not being genuinely ourselves.
• We also do not solve the underlying problems.
• There are real victims and rescuers.
• The Drama Triangle is about pseudo-victims and
  rescuers, when we solve the problems of others
  that they can solve themselves.

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3 Roles

• When we are too nice (Rescuer) or feel helpless
  (Victim) for too long, we get angry and seek
  pay-back and become a Persecutor.
• The Persecutor hurts the other.
• While there are three roles, the game is often
  played with just two people who interchange roles
  (Rescuer-Persecutor / Victim-Persecutor).

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Passive-Aggressive

• We may triangulate, bringing in a third party.
• By whining and complaining to others, we both act
  as a (pseudo)-Victim and punish the offender
  (Persecutor) at the same time.
• We may make sarcastic comments that are meant to
  be humorous on the surface but also intended to
  hurt.

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For Example

• The SSP is always late (pseudo-Victim).
• The DB person says nothing (Rescuer).
• After months of this, the DB person takes longer
  and longer to do the tasks, making the SSP late
  on the other end (Persecutor).

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Another Example

• The DB person has a guide-dog, but does not pick
  up the dogs waste even when they are in public
  places (Victim).
• The SSP says nothing picks up the poop, even
  though this is odious to him (Rescuer).
• Eventually, the SSP tells the coordinator he will
  not work with that DB person any more
  (passive-aggressive).

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Assertiveness as Problem Solving
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Feeling vs. Problem Solving

• Every time we get stuck in our feelings without
  thinking about what the problem is, or who owns
  the problem (whose problem is it?), we are
  playing a game.
• Every time we complain about our problem
  instead of looking for a solution we are
  playing this game.
• Feelings should prompt us to think and
  problem-solve.

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Personal Problems vs.Systemic Problems
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Personal Problems vs.Systemic Problems

• Some problems are small and personal (e.g. Im
  taking too much work, I need to re-think my
  schedule).
• Other problems are big and societal (e.g.
  unemployment, the education system, or no regular
  financial support for SSP services).

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Solutions

• When the problems are personal or inter-personal
  we can solve them ourselves with the help of our
  friends.
• When they are societal, we must work together to
  solve them.
• What is not helpful is getting stuck in the Drama
  Triangle, playing a game.

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Mixed

• Models are pure while reality is mixed.
• A DB person maybe both a real victim of a lack of
  resources as well as play Victim by not
  participating in efforts to resolve this lack of
  resources.

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Example

• An elderly DB woman is finding it increasingly
  difficult to live independently. She complains
  (Victim) to her SSP. The SSP volunteers more
  often, trying to help (Rescue) and complains to
  other SSPs that the agency serving her does
  nothing (Persecutor).
• Clearly, this depends on interpretation. Is the
  DB woman complaining as Victim, or asking for
  time to problem-solve?

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Self-Reflection

• Think about the times you have done more than you
  really wanted to, have felt taken advantage of,
  played Victim, gossiped or gone-off on someone
  inappropriately.
• What would have been a better, healthier approach?

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Discussion

• Take a break, get into groups and discuss what
  you have just learned. Does it make sense? How
  does it fit with your experiences? Do you
  sometimes play this game in your family?

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Discussion Part II

• How might this game play out in an SSP-DB person
  relationship? Without revealing confidential or
  private information, talk about your experiences
  (or the experiences of others that you know
  about) relating to SSP work.

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Conclusion

• It is critical that SSPs become assertive vs.
  Rescuing or taking over for DB people.
• On the other hand, there is no conflict in
  providing information to DB people that they can
  use to solve their own problems.
• It is not a conflict to volunteer when it will
  not cause undue hardship on the SSP.
• Assertiveness is mutually respectful.