Fairground Story By Mr Brewis

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Fairground Story By Mr Brewis
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Mr Brewis has written a story about the
fairground BUT it needs A LOT of improving to
make it better.Can you help?
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Lo to change the vocabulary in a sentence to
make it more interesting for the reader.
We need to change some of the words used so that
they are WOW words!
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There was a boy called Peter. He went to the
park. Then he saw a notice about the fair. Peter
liked the fair. He went home and told his mother
about it. It looks like fun he said to his
Mum.Would you like to go? said his Mum.Yes
said Peter.
Peters coconuts.
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They went to the fair. It was fun. Lights were
flashing. Peter went to the ghost train, then
on the waltzer, then the merry go-round. Then
Peter went on the coconut shy. He wanted to win a
coconut but he didnt win one.
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Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he
couldnt find it. Peter was sad. He didnt have
enough money to try to win another coconut. Then
he saw his friend Joe talking to a
policeman.Is everything ok? said Peter.Yes,
I just found this wallet on the floor said
Joe.Thats mine, you found it said Peter.
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Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet.
Then he had one last go at the coconut shy. Peter
won a coconut and shared it with Joe for finding
his wallet.
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This story could be so much better if we used
some exciting vocabulary. Can you think of a
sentence to describe what you see at the funfair?
Make sure you include a WOW word to describe it.
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You task is to take your sheet and add or change
a word or to write a whole new sentence to make
the story more interesting for the reader.
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Lo to use connectives to add more detail to our
sentence.
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The story is so much more interesting now that we
have improved the vocabulary that has been used.
Now we can make it even better by using some
connecting words so that we add more detail for
the reader.
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Peter loved the fair.Peter loved the fair
because the flashing lights and loud music where
so exciting.Using a connective gives us the
chance to add more detail to the story (and more
wow words)!
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but or so? Which is the best connective?It
was very dark outside. I took my torch.I heard
an owl hooting I couldnt see it anywhere.I
love making cakes I dont like doing all the
washing up afterwards.I was really good at the
weekend so Mum let me do some baking with her.
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Mum was cross . I broke her favourite
vase.Mum shouted at me she sent me to my
room.I did all my work . everyone else.My
teacher said I could play . I had finished all
my work.
before or because? Which is the best
connective?
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Your task is to choose a connective from the box
at the top of the sheet and add it to the
sentences so that you add some more detail to the
story.Dont forget to use some wow words when
you add more detail!
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The story is looking so much better now.Here it
is again with some of your improvements added in.
Try to remember any parts you think are much
better now and tell me afterwards.
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There was a young boy called Peter. He went to
the park. Then he saw a notice about the fair.
Peter absolutely loved the fair because there
were so many exciting rides you could go on. He
went home and told his mother about it. It
looks like fun he said to his Mum.Would you
like to go? said his Mum.Yes said Peter.
Peters coconuts.
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They went to the fair. It was so exciting. Lights
were flashing everywhere and there was loud music
that filled the air. Peter could hardly hear
himself speak. Peter went to the scary ghost
train, then on the amazing waltzer, then the
spinning merry go-round. Then Peter went on the
coconut shy. He wanted to win a coconut because
coconuts are so tasty but he didnt win one.
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Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he
couldnt find it. Peter was sad because he didnt
have enough money to try to win another coconut.
Then he saw his friend Joe talking to a
policeman.Is everything ok? said Peter.Yes,
I just found this wallet on the floor said
Joe.Thats mine, you found it said Peter.
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Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet
because now he had enough money for one last try
at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut and
shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.
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Do you think the story was better now? What parts
do you think were improved?Here is a copy with
all of the improvements you made in red.
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There was a young boy called Peter. He went to
the park. Then he saw a notice about the fair.
Peter absolutely loved the fair because there
were so many exciting rides you could go on. He
went home and told his mother about it. It
looks like fun he said to his Mum.Would you
like to go? said his Mum.Yes said Peter.
Peters coconuts.
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They went to the fair. It was so exciting. Lights
were flashing everywhere and there was loud music
that filled the air. Peter could hardly hear
himself speak. Peter went to the scary ghost
train, then on the amazing waltzer, then the
spinning merry go-round. Then Peter went on the
coconut shy. He wanted to win a coconut because
coconuts are so tasty but he didnt win one.
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Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he
couldnt find it. Peter was sad because he didnt
have enough money to try to win another coconut.
Then he saw his friend Joe talking to a
policeman.Is everything ok? said Peter.Yes,
I just found this wallet on the floor said
Joe.Thats mine, you found it said Peter.
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Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet
because now he had enough money for one last try
at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut and
shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.
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Havent you done a lot of work improving my
story!Well, we can make it even BETTER! Lo
to change the start of the sentence so that it is
more interesting for the reader.
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Have you noticed in my story I use the word
then a lot. We need to think of some better
ways to start our sentences than boring old Then
he
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We are going to use 3 different types When
starter Last night.How starter Carefully,
he crept ..Where starter At the fair.
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What is the most interesting way to finish the
sentence? A long time ago . Quickly One
dark and stormy night . Cautiously .
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What is the most interesting way to finish the
sentence? Quickly To his great surprise
. I will never forget the day that Spookily
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Your task today is to change the start of the
sentence so that it is more interesting for the
reader.
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This story is now so much better than it was when
I first wrote it.It is so important to go over
your work and make improvements just like you
have to mine so that you write the best story you
possibly can!
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Today we are going to look at the punctuation
that we use in our writing and see how we can
improve the story by using correct
punctuation.Lo to use punctuation correctly in
a sentence.
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.
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,
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speech marks
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?
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!
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Full stop, question mark or exclamation
mark? The mouse ran across the floor Look out
Its a cat Will the mouse be able to escape
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Full stop, question mark or exclamation
mark? Be quiet This class is getting too
noisy Have you forgotten how to work quietly
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Speech marks only go around what the person is
actually saying.I love coconuts shouted
Peter.Peter cried Oh no, Ive lost my wallet!
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Where do the speech marks go?The music is so
loud shouted Mum.Look at the fantastic flashing
lights called Peter.I found a wallet on the
floor replied Joe.
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Your task is to go through the story and make
sure the correct punctuation marks have been
used. Where there is a box you will have to place
one of the marks.
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Have you noticed that I have used the word said
so many times.He said, she said, Peter said,
Mum said, Joe said, he said, she said, Peter
said, Mum said, Joe said, he said, she said,
Peter said, Mum said, Joe said, he said, she
said, Peter said, Mum said, Joe said, he said,
she said, It all gets a bit boring doesnt
it.I dont like said!
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Lo to use alternative words for said when using
dialogue.We are going to change the word said
for a different word that still makes sense, like
shouted, called or replied.
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Dont say said say Who might speak in this
way? When? Why? Shouted groaned
bellowed stuttered announced asked whimpered
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Your task is to change the word said for a
different word that still makes sense, like
shouted, called or replied.
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Lo to add more detail about how the characters
are feeling to our story.
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I think that you could make the story even better
now by adding new paragraphs to the story about
how Peter is excited to be at the fair and how
much fun he and Joe have when he has got his
money back.
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What sentences could we use to show how excited
Peter is when he gets to the fair? Remember to
use connectives, wow words and punctuation.
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What sentences could we use to show what fun
things the boys do after they have found the
wallet?Remember to use connectives, wow words
and punctuation.
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Lo to add more detail about how the characters
are feeling to our story. Your task is to write
two new paragraphs1. to show how excited Peter
is when he gets to the fair.2. to show
what fun things the boys do after they
have found the wallet. Remember to use good
openers, speech, connectives, wow words and
punctuation.
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Thank you!You have helped me to really improve
my story. Here is a new version with all of the
really good ideas that you have come up with to
help me!Today you will be writing your own
story about a visit to the fair.
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One day Peter went to the park with some of his
friends. While he was at the park he saw a notice
about the fair. Peter absolutely loved the fair
because there were so many exciting rides you
could go on. Later Peter went home and told his
mother about it. It looks like fun he said to
his Mum.Would you like to go? asked his
Mum.Yes! cried Peter Thank you so much.
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• The next day Peter and his Mum went to the
  fair. It was so amazing. Lights were flashing
  everywhere and there was loud music that filled
  the air.
• Peter could hardly hear himself speak the
  music was pumping so loudly! He could see lots of
  fantastic ride like the dodgems, the
  rollercoaster, the big dipper and the hook a
  duck. He wanted to go on all of them! He was so
  excited!

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First Peter went to the scary ghost train, after
that he went on the amazing waltzer. Later he had
a go on the spinning merry go-round. Finally
Peter went on the coconut shy. He wanted to win a
coconut because coconuts are so tasty but he
didnt win one because he didnt knock it off the
pole.
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Later that night Peter lost his wallet. He looked
around but he couldnt find it. Peter was sad
because he didnt have enough money to try to win
another coconut. He turned around and he saw his
friend Joe talking to a policeman.Is
everything ok? asked Peter.Yes, I just found
this wallet on the floor answered Joe.Thats
mine, you found it. I was looking everywhere for
it and I thought I would have to go home replied
Peter.
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Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet
because now he had enough money for one last try
at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut and
shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.Joe
and Peter decided to go on the twisting and
turning roller coaster.Wheeeeee shrieked
Joe.Ive had the best day ever! shouted
Peter.
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Eventually they ran out of money and it was time
to meet Mum and go home.That night Peter slept
like a log because he was so tired out from his
trip to the fair.
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• To improve your writing in the future remember to
  use VCOP.
• There are lots of ideas for you to use on the
  literacy wall, as long as you put your hands up
  and ask you can always go and take a look.
• Will you win a VCOP sticker for your work?

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Lo to plan a story about an exciting trip to the
fair.

• Who are your characters?
• What words will you use to describe the fair?
• What happens to the characters (problem)?
• How do they solve the problem?
• What happens at the end of the story?

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Lo to write an opening paragraph that describes
the setting.

• Imagine your partner has never been to the fair
  before. Think of a sentence to describe
• Cats What you smell
• Chimps What you can hear
• Crocs How you feel
• Goats what you can see
• Remember to use powerful adjectives.

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• We need to make sure that the reader wants to
  carry on reading our story, we have to make it
  interesting and add detail.
• Lets put some of those ideas into a paragraph.

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Lo to write an opening paragraph that describes
the setting.

• Steps to success
• Include why your characters are going there.
• Use powerful adjectives and wow words to describe
  what things they will be able to see, hear, smell
  and how they feel.
• Lets your words paint a picture in the readers
  head.

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Lo to write a story using the plans we have
written.

• Steps to success.
• Make sure you use your best handwriting
• Make sure you have included everything from your
  plan.
• Use full stops, capital letters and paragraphs.
• Use wow words - Use the VCOP display to help.