The Comic Dictionary

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The Comic Dictionary
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The Comic Dictionary

• Acquaintance
• A person whom we know well enough to borrow
  from, but not well enough to lend to.

• Amnesty
• The state's magnanimity to those offenders
  whom it would be too expensive to punish.

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Adolescence The age between puberty and adultery. Adult A person who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
Advertising A technique that makes you think youve longed all your live for something youve never heard of before. Alcohol A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets.
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Alimony The high cost of leaving. Ambassador An honest man sent abroad to lie for the commonwealth.
Ant A small insect that, thought always at work, still finds time to go to picnics. Baby An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibly at the other.
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Bank An institution where you can borrow money if you can present sufficient evidence to show that you dont need it. Ambrose Bierce Barber shop A clip joint.
Bargain A transaction in which each party thinks he as cheated the other. Beach A place where a girl goes in her baiting suit.
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Bigamy One wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Boaster A person who, every time he opens his mouth, puts his feats in.
Bore One who insist upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself. Boss of the family Whoever can spend ten dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it.
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Brat A kid that displays his pest manners. Bridge A card game in which a good deal depends upon a good deal.
Budget A system of worrying before you spend, instead of after. Childish game One at which your wife beats you.
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Committee A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Conceit A form of I-strain.
Crook A business rival who has just left the room. Cynic One who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
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Darkroom A place where many a girl develop a with a negative reputation. Dachshund Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.
Dentist A man who lives from hand to mouth. Diner A restaurant where you can eat dirt cheap but who want to eat dirt?
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Sarcasm Intellect on the offensive. Skeleton A man with his insides taken out and his outsides taken off.
Strength of Mind A person who can eat one salted peanut. Tact The ability to make your guests feel at home when you wish they were.
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Temperate Climate One which is freezing cold in winter and sizzling hot in summer. Traffic Light A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.
Vulgarity Other peoples conduct. Yesmen Fellows who hang around the man that nobody noes.