Handling Disagreements

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Handling Disagreements
Avoiding Poison Patterns
Adapted from Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley,
Susan L. Blumberg, Fighting for Your Marriage,
Revised (San Francisco Jossey-Bass, 2000).
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Our Mate Has an Emotional Bank Account

• 1. Affection and care act as deposits
• Regular deposits keep the marriage strong and
  resilient

• 2. Tensions and hurts act as withdrawals
• 1 negative interaction makes a withdrawal worth
  5-10 deposits

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All Couples Have About the Same Degree of
Conflict

• Key difference among couples is how conflict is
  managed
• About 80 of differences cannot be resolved
• Happy couples dont let disagreements poison
  their friendship distressed couples do

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What Is Your Parents Conflict Style?

• 1. Volatile
• You value frankness and passionately fight and
  make up
• 2. Validating
• You value closeness and seek to understand each
  other
• 3. Avoidant
• You tolerate differences and dont argue much

• Each style has strengths and weaknesses
• Key is for you both to find a shared style

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5 Poison Patterns to Avoid I
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety 1.
Criticism Blame Game 2. Escalation Ugly
Out-doing
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5 Poison Patterns to Avoid II
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety 1.
Criticism Blame Game 2. Escalation Ugly
Out-doing 3. Contempt Painful Put-downs
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5 Poison Patterns to Avoid III
These habits quickly drain warmth and safety 1.
Criticism Blame Game 2. Escalation Ugly
Out-doing 3. Contempt Painful Put-downs 4.
Negative Interpretation Looking for Dirt 5.
Withdrawal Hide Seek
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What Issues Cause Conflict for Couples?
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Issues that Cause Conflict

• Money
• Children
• Sex
• In-laws
• Independence
• Substance abuse

• Communication
• Careers
• Housework
• Recreation
• Religion

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Issues Alone Dont Usually Cause Fights

• Most issues come out during stressful incidents
• Often the only times couples discuss issues
• We often avoid talking about emotionally loaded
  topics

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Issues Come Out During Incidents
Incidents
Issues

• Unresolved issues build up pressure
• Erupt when triggered by incidents
• Worst times to deal with issues

Need to gain control over issues or they will
control you
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Tool Time Out

• 1. Discuss examples of Time Out or Pause
  words or gestures you have seen in other couples
• 2. Discuss what word or gesture your couple might
  use
• Use before a conflict gets destructive
• Break for 20 minutes or postpone discussion to a
  later agreed-upon time

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Agree to Discuss Issues Apart from Incidents

• 1. During a triggering incident, agree to talk
  at a later time
• Create the time and safety to understand each
  other
• Meet later
• Write each other first
• Go for a walk

• 2. Protects friendship time
• Dispels fear of explosive incidents
• Calms concerns about never talking about issues

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Couples Can Learn to Handle Conflict Well

• Reverse these poison patterns and repair their
  damage
• Make their relationship safe and protect their
  friendship
• Use disagreements to build closeness

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Tool Discussion Strategies

• 1. Think about what might be the best way you
  could communicate with your partner about an
  issue that bothers you.
• Consider good examples you have seen
• 2. Share this with each other.
• 3. Look for a strategy you could agree on.

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