Laws of Conversation

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Laws of Conversation

• Karyn Lazarus

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Laws of Conversation

• All humans have purposes and concerns.
• When people perceive you threaten or are unaware
  of their purposes and concerns, they resist.
  This is waste.
• When people perceive you are aware of and
  sensitive to their purposes and concerns, they
  communicate and collaborate. This is value.

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Innovation.
Innovation occurs for many reasons, including
greed, ambition, conviction, happenstance, acts
of nature, mistakes, and desperation. But one
force above all seems to facilitate the process.
The easier it is to communicate, the faster
change happens. James Burke, Connections (1995
ED.)
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Intersection
The Facts

• If stuck, alter
• Success new ideas

Intersection

My View
Your View
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Bioreactions and Waste vs. Value

• FightFleeFreezeAppease
• Natural, cant avoid it
• Impotent vs. Valuable Explanations
• Name of the game catch and correct

• Wasteful
• Difference
• Ignorant Bioreaction
• Justification
• What proves me right

• Valuable
• Difference
• Awareness of Bioreaction
• New Perception
• What creates value?

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Learning
Defense Destroy Flight Freeze Flee Appease
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Kinds of Intersections
Purpose
Method
Result
Source of Value
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The Conversation Meter
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
Value
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The Conversation Meter Pretense
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
0 25 50
75 100
A direct conflict between what you say in one
situation and what you say in another (lying,
withholding information). Focus Avoid
difficulty
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The Conversation Meter Pretense
0- 8 intentional lying 9-17 reactive
lying 18-25 withholding what you honestly have
to say
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
0 25 50
75 100
Focus Avoid difficulty
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The Conversation Meter Sincerity
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
0 25 50
75 100
An honest report of my point of view
includes thoughtless certainty that my view is
accurate. Focus Be honest defend my honest
position.
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The Conversation Meter Sincerity
26-33 unedited eruption 34-42 honest, firm
opinion 43-50 solicit others views but not
learning from them
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
0 25 50
75 100
Focus Be honest defend my honest position.
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The Conversation Meter Accuracy
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
0 25 50
75 100
Separating mutually observable facts from
explanation of those facts. Includes the
recognition that my perceptions are not
reality. Focus Reveal facts and compare
explanations for value.
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The Conversation Meter Accuracy
51-58 separating facts from explanations 59-66
facts, then explanations 67-75 comparing
explanations for value
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
0 25 50
75 100
Focus Reveal facts and compare explanations
for value.
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Left Hand Column Exercise

• Take a piece of paper
• Draw a line down the middle
• Label the left hand column Facts
• Label the right hand column Story
• Think about some interaction that happened
  recently that was pretty inconsequential
• On the left hand column specifically state what
  happenedthe facts
• On the right hand column specifically state what
  your story is about what happened

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The Conversation Meter Authenticity
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
0 25 50
75 100
Genuine appreciation of various views and
factors, researching where they intersect for new
insight and opportunity. Focus Clarify
essential purpose and reveal intersections
for action.
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The Conversation Meter Authenticity
76- 84 appreciate essential purposes of
others 85- 92 discovering actionable
opportunity at intersection 93-100 startling
discovering of unimagined possibilities
sincerity
accuracy
pretense
authenticity
0 25 50
75 100
Focus Clarify essential purpose and reveal
intersections for action.
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Ladder of Listening

• Intersection
• Essential Purpose
• Compassion
• Content
• 0 Bioreaction

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Intersection Matrix
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Exercise Finding the Intersection

• Teams to discuss HE Butt assignment
• Examine primary mode of communication
• Pretense
• Sincerity
• Accuracy
• Authenticity
• Identify areas for improvement
• Identify areas where you would change your case
  study
• Debrief with rest of class
• NOTE Let me know where youre going