The Secret Knowledge of Grown-ups

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ToP Secret
Technical Clearance
The Secret Knowledge of Grown-ups
David Wisniewski
Confidential
Classified
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Top secret
Grown-up rule 31 Eat your
vegetables. official reason Theyre good
for you. The truth You dont eat your
vegetables because they are good for you. You
eat vegetables to...
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to keep them under control!
Millions of years ago, vegetables ruled the
earth. What were they looking for? People!
Yes, these were meat-eating vegetables. To
prevent vegetables from ever regaining power,
grown-ups eat them.
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Besides, which would you rather do eat
vegetable or be eaten by vegetables?
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Top secret
Grown-up rule 42 Comb your hair. official
reason It keeps it neat. The truth
You dont comb your hair to keep it neat. You
comb your hair...
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to stop it from going back into those little
holes in your head!!
Hair doesnt grow out. Hair grows in! Why else
would we pull it around with a comb? After all,
you only pull things when they want to go the
other way.
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Because most girls comb their hair a lot, they
dont have to worry much about Reverse Hair
Growth (RHG). Boys do, not only because they
dont comb much, but also because many a flattop
or crew cut can grow back into a guys head in
one night!
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Top secret
Grown-up rule 62 Dont jump on your
bed. official reason Youll break it or you
might get hurt. The truth Yes, its
possible to break your bed if you jump on it.
And its possible you might get hurt if you fall
off. But youll definitely get hurt...
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If you wake up the mattress!
Mattresses arent just big lifeless rectangles
crammed with stuffing. They are active wooly
creatures raised on farms in Scotland. After
growing into adulthood, mattresses start a long
period of hibernation. They are rounded up and
sold in stores where they end up in your bedroom.
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There they snooze peacefully year after year.
Unless you jump on them.
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ToP Secret
Technical Clearance
The Secret Knowledge of Grown-ups
was written by David Wisniewski. You can learn
more about him by visiting his website
at http//www.carr.lib.md.us/authco/wisn.htm