Healing the heart filled with daggers, letting in the good: chapter 6

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Healing the heart filled with daggers, letting in
the good chapter 6

• When we are born, our hearts are 100 open.
• With each dagger or insult physical, verbal, and
  or sexual abuse, neglect etc. our hearts become
  less and less open.
• Each place that has a dagger is shut down, and
  closed up.

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If your heart is shut down

• It keeps you from letting in the good, positive
  life-sustaining energy of love.
• Your heart unconsciously becomes a magnet to
  those that can give you the amount of love that
  your heart is open to receive.
• Therefore, if your heart is shut down, you
  attract a person who is miserly or incapable of
  giving or receiving love.

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The most painful and deeply embedded daggers are
the most difficult to remove

• These are the most essential to remove to gain
  100 capacity to love.
• A person that really hears with their heart
  can assist in removing daggers corrective
  emotional experience.
• Once removed, and you are able to give love to
  yourself, you will attract healthier, loving
  people into your life.

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What if you are still deficient in self-esteem,
self confidence and/ self-love

• You will attract the energies that frustrate
  these deficiencies unless
• you fill up the holes by validating and
  loving yourself or
• leave unfulfilling relationships
• What do unfulfilling relationships feel like?

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Attraction to the badChapter 7

• Burning stoves-(usually no people who are
  manipulative, controlling and abusive)
• touch them and they burn you.
• You tell yourself, next time this will not
  happen, however, they burn you again.
• Hopefully, after a blistered hand, you decide
  that you cannot change the nature of the stove
  and you decide not to touch it anymore or wear a
  glove. Something that protects you.

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Nice people (yes or maybe people) who are
incapable of giving you what you need

• dry wells people who cannot give you what you
  need in the physical, spiritual and emotional and
  other realms.
• You go to the dry well hoping it will quench
  your thirst, but it does not offer water, you
  feel frustrated, disappointed, angry and hurt.
• You hope to be understood, mirrored or accepted
  but this does not happen.

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Are there dry wells or burning stoves in your
life? Please describe

• Is one of your parents, or significant other one
  of these?

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Why are people attracted to dry wells? Chapter 8

• Low self-esteem, due to early non-mirroring
  experiences as a child mother does not reflect
  back childs feelings of frustration and joy.
  You know what you are feeling because of what is
  mirrored or reflected back to you.
• If the mother is not in tune or is distracted,
  then you imprint feelings of emptiness or feel
  unloved and this becomes normal.
• Everything you do has an opportunity for
  feedback.

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Fathers role

• As you grow, if your father is truly mature and
  sensitive, you will feel seen, heard and
  understood.
• If your father is self-centered (not present,
  emotionally and physically) and needs to be
  idealized to make him feel good and powerful, you
  will be susceptible to attract people into your
  life that need this and will not see you clearly.

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Children respond to narcissistic parents by

• Becoming numb to their own needs.
• Put their feeling aside in order to take
  care of their parents.
• Children have no or little sense of self and
  consequently attract dry wells into their
  lives.
• Become depressed, and learn to be helpless.
• Repeated empathetic failure, harsh judgments,
  rejections erode self-confidence.

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Low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence can lead
to self-consciousness

• Constantly wondering what other people think and
  feel about you, ruminating thoughts.
• Need to change thinking from What do they think
  about me? to What do I think about them?.
• The less self-love you have the more you will be
  pointing a finger at others and three fingers at
  yourself.

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Dealing with your own feelings of emptiness

• Validate and self-sooth yourself (without drugs,
  alcohol or other destructive activities). Repeat
  affirmations, journal writing, meditating in
  order to find your center.
• One must use their inner eye or 6th chakra to
  see clearly.
• Find old souls so that you will be seen more
  fully and will feel more fulfilled.

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The 6th chakra

• Is an energy center between your eyes that helps
  you to see crystal clear.
• On page 80-81, there is an outline of how a
  person can only see the part of you that
  resonates with them.
• If the other person is as evolved as you then
  they can see all of you, if not they only see a
  part of you.

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Difficult to rid yourself of all no category
people

• Learn what you can from them, gain some skills
  from each experience to help you in your future.
• You maybe in the no category, you maybe so
  injured that you cannot make an accurate
  assessment of another and so you make judgments
  based on a cloudy lense.

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• The more you get to know yourself, by spending
  time alone, or getting accurate feedback from
  others. The more you will know when you are
  regressed because emotions will be more intense
  and amplified.
• Describe the case study on page 82-83 and
  relate it to something in your life.

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Keeping out the bad what have you learned about
emotional daggers? Chapter 9-10

• Can criticism and judgment be more than verbal?
• What happens when you do not call someone on
  their criticism or judgment?

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Asserting your needs with a yes or no person

• With a no person it may not be the most
  effective to show your vulnerability.
• With a yes person it may be more effective.
• One can utilize non-violent communication
• DEAR Describe, Express feelings, Assert needs
  and Request something.
• Like any language it takes practice, practice
• Practice.

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Other techniques that work with a no person

• Stay neutral
• Do not bite when they put out the bait- to get
  into an argument.
• Agree to disagree
• Use statements like are you aware when you say
  statements such as..you come across as being
  very judgmental?

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Continued

• Are you aware that when you have such hostile
  energy, I feel a sense of violence between us ?.
• If they are creating an emotional tornado, it is
  important not to get swept away in the turmoil.
• How can you stay strong, centered and grounded?

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When people are pushy or energy draining and ask
you to do something

• If you are caught off guard, say that you will
  get back to them.
• Space visits with them, leave lots of time
  in-between.
• Give yourself time to think about what you really
  want.

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• If you find it difficult to say no thank-you to
  a genuinely sweet person, say that you are
  feeling over-extended and unable to get together
  right now.
• If you over-ride your true feelings, if you go
  out even though you really do not wish to, you do
  so at the cost at maintaining a healthy boundary.

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Remember maintaining healthy boundaries and being
totally honest will help you in being spiritually
free.

• If you consistently sweep your true feelings
  under the carpet, the insidious energy of
  resentment will build in you!!!!
• Resentment builds walls within yourself and
  between you and others.
• Resentment can also be turned inward, where you
  stuff the emotions down with food, cigarettes,
  alcohol, marijuana, and other anesthetics.

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Tools for achieving a space of neutrality
Chapter 11.

• The pre-requisite for healthy communication is to
  be in a space of neutrality.
• You do not feel the intensity of emotions from
  the past that gets triggered from interacting
  with people.

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Two pathways exist to enable you not to feel the
intensity of emotions from the past

• First, is to feel the past pain and bleed the
  emotional charge e.g. crying about the past
  with someone who truly listens with their heart.
• Second, backburner the regressed feelings, so
  you are able to stay neutral and in the present
  time.

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The more grounded and centered you are, the
stronger your core will be

• Then you will not be thrown off by negative
  energies.
• You stay centered by imagining you are in a
  bubble shield, with your focus behind your eyes.
• You can also imagine a grounding cord that
  attaches from the base of your spine to the
  center of the earth.
• You can also imagine a cord from the heavens
  above through your body center and focus behind
  your eyes.

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Remember, to try to achieve balance

• You want to feel your feelings but not be a
  prisoner of them.
• You also do not want to be disassociated or
  disconnected from your feelings and be like a
  Spock.
• Either way you may act inappropriately in a
  situation and make it worse.

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Healthy, effective communication

• Does not mean you have to agree or sway the
  persons feelings or opinions to your point of
  view (tennis court and weather report).
• It means that each person understands the other
  persons reality.
• You will know you are dealing with a no
  category person because they are defensive,
  negative or reactive.

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Energy Cords

• Imagine that there are energy
  cords between people.
• When understanding occurs, no static is created.
• When misunderstanding occurs, static is
  created-if this is not cleared, a barrier of
  anxiety and tension is present.

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In dysfunctional families

• Feelings are swept under the rug, and static
  accumulate over and over until it becomes huge.
• If you come from this type of family structure,
  you will have to retrain yourself to endure
  feeling the anxiety of confronting static.
• When you do so, your connections will be clear
  and you will no longer feel isolated behind a
  barrier of stagnant energy.

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Boundaries that are too brittle,Chapter 12)

• If someone is generally in the yes or maybe
  category and hurts or insults you and you find
  yourself shutting down and shutting that person
  out, your boundary may be too brittle.
• If you shut down before attempting to clear your
  50 then you create blocks in your energy field.

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Continued

• You need to express your feelings, and need to
  move the negative energy of hurt, resentment, or
  anger outside of
• yourself and space.
• If the other person does not apologize, it is up
  to you to self-sooth in a very healthy way.

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Partnerships, chapter 13

• Everything you learned about communication and
  boundaries gets tested when you are in a
  partnership that is close to your heart.
• Old issues are susceptible to getting triggered.
• As we let in intimacy, our vulnerability to
  abandonment, rejection, loss of identity and
  self-esteem is heightened and on-the-line.
• We are not able to understand the pain we are
  experiencing.

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Modes of personalities

• Each person wants their emotional wound healed.
• We each have three modes of personalities
• Adult, child and parent
• The child is the place that we regress to when
  our pain is triggered-it does not matter how old
  you are, you can be 80 years old.

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The parent persona

• is rule oriented sometimes the critical
  perspective.
• Makes us feel like authorities or how we viewed
  our parents, teachers or police while we were
  growing up.

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The adult persona

• Is mature.
• In the present time.
• Aware and grounded.
• Feels more at peace.
• Rational
• Does not bring in past-time baggage.
• Unlike the child or parent which are regressed
  states.

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Various combinations of these personas can
occur

• Parent-child
• Parent-adult
• Parent-parent
• Child-child
• Child-adult
• Adult-adult

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Healthy communication

• If one person is in the adult mode there is
  more hope that clearer, healthier communication
  will occur.
• If a person stays in the adult mode and a space
  of neutrality and does not respond in a defensive
  manner, nor do they let their boundaries get
  trampled upon, then the negative behavior will
  get bounced back to the regressed person.

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Parent-parent communication

• Creates a real power struggle, both partners try
  to control and coerce the other into submission.
• These interactions feel ill-intentioned, abusive,
  manipulative, critical and condescending.
• Both partners lock horns.

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Parent-child interactions

• The parent is harsh, controlling,
  authoritative, tries to project a sense of power,
  being one up or above.
• The child is hurt, not
  knowing how to assert self
  and feeling ineffectual.

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Negotiating space and boundaries in relationships

• Common challenge for most couples, negotiating
  time alone and time together.
• Usually one person wants more of one or the
  other.
• Of course the more adult you are the easier it
  is to deal with all the feelings that come up.
• Issues of abandonment and engulfment come up.

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Being left alone vs. being so close and losing
your sense of self

• Of course the roots of which come
  
  from childhood and the individuation
  process.
• In relationships, usually one person becomes the
  distancer and aloof and the other clingy and/or
  needy.
• Both are considered drama and not acting from a
  healthy-whole and centered space.

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Forgiveness, chapter 14

• It is important to understand that being too
  understanding (sweeping your feelings under the
  carpet) can be a defense mechanism and keeps you
  from feeling anger-the dignity emotion when
  boundaries are damaged.

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Forgiveness, continued

• Yet, forgiveness is a very powerful healing
  activity and it begins with you and forgiving
  yourself, acknowledging those you have hurt,
  intentionally and unintentionally.
• Sometimes you need to summon your inner nurturer
  and , if you find yourself unable to forgive a
  yes person, even though they have apologized
  you may need to go to a well of pain and heal a
  very deep wound.

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Coming full circle the semi-permeable membrane,
chapter 15

• The truly centered person is always in the
  observing mode.
• The regressed jabs boomerang back to the
  offender.
• They are warm and open and let in love.

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It takes a lot of

• Love and compassion for
  yourself to nurture your
  inner child.
• Surrounding yourself with yes people, before
  you can let go of resentments from the past.
• Love, which is heart felt and is the greatest
  healer of pain.

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You can also

• See jabs clearly, and process your own pain
  internally, thus letting jabs bounce off your
  bubble.
• When you see jabs clearly, or they may penetrate
  your bubble and throw you off center and into a
  regression.

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Tools for feeling solid and centeredChapter 16

• The act of visualizing energy keeps
  you consciously observing yourself
  and the outer world.
• You cannot be aware of energies if you are
  disconnected from yourself, numbed out to your
  feelings and outer world.
• Meditation-being present in your body.
• Assignment do the meditations on pages145-151