Cooperative Parenting Workshop

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• a workshop offered by
• Co-Parenting Specialist Chris Lewis EdS, LPC
• Maria Droste Counseling Center

www.mariadroste.org
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• MA in Counseling from The College of New Jersey
• EdS in Marriage and Family Therapy from TCNJ
• Over ten years experience helping parents,
  couples and families resolve conflict and improve
  communication
• Ive been there myself

www.mariadroste.org
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• Pretend you are a hostage negotiator
• Stay in adult mode no matter what
• Let the children be children
• Keep the end goal in sight and dont sweat the
  small stuff
• Always act as if the other parent has the
  childrens best interest at heart

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• Establish the tone of the communication
• Use a calm voice and speak in a respectful manner
  no matter what is coming back at you.

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• Be supportive and encouraging about the outcome
• Im sure we can find a solution that will work
  for all of us.
• I know you want to get this resolved too we
  both agree on that so Im confident we can come
  to a solution.

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• Reinforce any positive movement toward resolution
  on their part
• Thats great that you are willing to do that! It
  really makes a difference. Thank you!
• (Reality check Are you brimming with gratitude?
  Maybe not, but remind yourself what this is all
  about Reducing conflict and minimizing harm to
  the children.)

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• Compromise whenever and wherever you can
• This will not only reduce conflict, but increase
  the odds they will compromise down the line.

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• Listen actively, this helps to diffuse anger,
  reduce conflict
• Summarize what theyve said to ensure you
  understand
• Affirm your understanding
• Dont interrupt
• Be aware of posture, non-verbal cues

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• Children need at least one parent who is in
  control in order to feel safe -- BE THAT PARENT

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• Keep your interactions business-like
• Speak in a polite and professional manner.
• Have weekly phone/in person meetings for
  planning, concerns, etc. Hold these meetings away
  from the children.
• Keep old marital issues OUT -- the marriage is
  over. You are now a co-parenting partnership
  only. Any other topics are off limits.

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• Dont reciprocate bad behavior with bad behavior
• If the other parent is yelling, cursing, being
  verbally abusive, tell them you will be happy to
  continue when they have calmed down, then walk
  away or hang up.

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• A little visual imagery to help motivate you to
  stay in adult mode
• Imagine your children watching both their parents
  act like angry, tantruming toddlers. What would
  they be thinking and feeling?

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• You do need support people in your life, but your
  children are NOT those people
• Get support from friends, clergy, counselors,
  siblings.
• Your job is to support your children. You cant
  do that if you are leaning on them for your own
  support.

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• Donts and Donts
• Dont use your children as spies
• Dont use your children as messengers
• Dont ever bad-mouth the other parent to or in
  front of your children
• Dont fight in front of the children
• Dont talk about failed marital issues with kids

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• Chriss goal of parenting
• To bring your children safely to adulthood with
  the emotional, social, psychological tools they
  need to live successfully.
• Make your own goal for parenting your children
  and use it as your guiding principle.

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• Children survive different parenting styles a lot
  better than they survive ongoing conflict. Whats
  the small stuff?
• Is bedtime really worth fighting over?
• Is diet?, clothing?, TV time?
• Is exact equal time more about us or about
  whats best for the kids?

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• Why do I have to do that? For the most important
  reason of all
• Because your children need to believe you BOTH
  have their best interest at heart.
• Unless there is real abuse happening, they
  probably do love their kids to the best of their
  ability.

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• Another benefit
• If you act as if toward the other parent, this
  is likely to reduce conflict on its own because
  he/she will respond to your more positive regard.
  Try it!

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How to...

• Pretend to be a hostage negotiator
• Stay in adult mode at all times
• Let your children be children
• Keep the end goal of parenting in sight and dont
  sweat the small stuff
• Act as if the other parent has your childrens
  best interest at heart

www.mariadroste.org
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• www.Co-Parenting101.com
• www.ChrisLewisPsychotherapy.com
• The Co-Parenting Survival Guide Letting Go Of
  Conflict After a Difficult Divorce, by Elizabeth
  Thayer, PhD
• www.Find-a-Therapist.com

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• For more information about co-parenting
  counseling, family therapy, or marriage
  counseling in Denver, Colorado,
• contact Maria Droste Counseling Center at
• 303-756-9052 or visit
• www.MariaDroste.org.