personal writing

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personal writing

• the jellyfish

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better beginnings
A good opening grabs the readers attention it
hooks them.
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example essay task
Think about a very strong memory that you have,
good or bad. Write about this time, remembering
to include your thoughts and feelings.
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a very short essay
I was on holiday. I stepped on a jellyfish.
It was very sore.
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classic mistake
A very painful event I remember is when I went
off on holiday and was stung by a jellyfish. We
were going to Tenerife with my aunt and cousins.
When we had booked the holiday we had to wait
sixteen weeks until we left. On the day we left
we set the alarm clock for six. The alarm went
off at six and we got up and dressed. I put on my
new hat, sunglasses and shorts. I went downstairs
and my dad cooked us all bacon, eggs and beans.
When we ate I was made to wash up the dishes. We
all went into the hall and got our suitcases. We
put all the cases at the bottom of the stairs and
called the taxi. When the taxi came it tooted its
horn and we all got in. Glasgow Airport,
please. Said my mum. The taxi drove us to the
airport.
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think about feelings
Personal writing is about feelings, so what were
the feelings at the time?
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so, heres some feelings
The pain was absolutely agony as I stepped on the
jellyfish. A sharp tingle quickly spread up my
leg and across my entire body. I was totally
taken by surprise.
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Remember you have to focus on a feeling. Think
about how to express it as vividly as possible.
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vivid (adj) 1.strikingly bright or intense in
colour 2.characterized by striking clarity,
distinctness, or truth to life when perceived
either by the eye or the mind 3.producing strong
and distinct mental images 4.active and
inventive 5.characterized by spirit and animation
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focus on the feeling
A feeling like electricity raced across my body
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Lightning danced across my body
improve it
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Forked lightning danced a rough and aggressive
tango across my limbs.
improve it
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Forked lightning danced a tough, torturous tango
across my limbs.
improve it
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Forked lightning danced a tough, torturous tango
across my limbs. My lips formed a silent o of
agony as my brain stuttered, struggling for words
to express this new and intense form of pain. The
gently lapping waves, the soaring seabirds and
even the faint sea-breeze itself froze to witness
my misery. My throat refused to swallow the
tasteless pool that had once been a tangy, cool
mouthful of lemon sorbet ice-cream. The laughter
and shouting of happy children was suddenly
reduced to a distant, whispering echo as all my
senses competed to focus upon the fire which was
blazing upwards from my feet.
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break it down
Technique? Sense(s)? What does it show us?
(effect of event)
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Forked lightning danced a tough, torturous tango
across my limbs. My lips formed a silent o of
agony as my brain stuttered, struggling for words
to express this new and intense form of pain. The
gently lapping waves, the soaring seabirds and
even the faint sea-breeze itself froze to witness
my misery. My throat refused to swallow the
tasteless pool that had once been a tangy, cool
mouthful of lemon sorbet ice-cream. The laughter
and shouting of happy children was suddenly
reduced to a distant, whispering echo as all my
senses competed to focus upon the fire which was
blazing upwards from my feet.
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Forked lightning danced a tough, torturous tango
across my limbs. My lips formed a silent o of
agony as my brain stuttered, struggling for words
to express this new and intense form of pain. The
gently lapping waves, the soaring seabirds and
even the faint sea-breeze itself froze to witness
my misery. My throat refused to swallow the
tasteless pool that had once been a tangy, cool
mouthful of lemon sorbet ice-cream. The laughter
and shouting of happy children was suddenly
reduced to a distant, whispering echo as all my
senses competed to focus upon the fire which was
blazing upwards from my feet.
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Forked lightning danced a tough, torturous tango
across my limbs. My lips formed a silent o of
agony as my brain stuttered, struggling for words
to express this new and intense form of pain. The
gently lapping waves, the soaring seabirds and
even the faint sea-breeze itself froze to witness
my misery. My throat refused to swallow the
tasteless pool that had once been a tangy, cool
mouthful of lemon sorbet ice-cream. The laughter
and shouting of happy children was suddenly
reduced to a distant, whispering echo as all my
senses competed to focus upon the fire which was
blazing upwards from my feet.
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Forked lightning danced a tough, torturous tango
across my limbs. My lips formed a silent o of
agony as my brain stuttered, struggling for words
to express this new and intense form of pain. The
gently lapping waves, the soaring seabirds and
even the faint sea-breeze itself froze to witness
my misery. My throat refused to swallow the
tasteless pool that had once been a tangy, cool
mouthful of lemon sorbet ice-cream. The laughter
and shouting of happy children was suddenly
reduced to a distant, whispering echo as all my
senses competed to focus upon the fire which was
blazing upwards from my feet.
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Forked lightning danced a tough, torturous tango
across my limbs. My lips formed a silent o of
agony as my brain stuttered, struggling for words
to express this new and intense form of pain. The
gently lapping waves, the soaring seabirds and
even the faint sea-breeze itself froze to witness
my misery. My throat refused to swallow the
tasteless pool that had once been a tangy, cool
mouthful of lemon sorbet ice-cream. The laughter
and shouting of happy children was suddenly
reduced to a distant, whispering echo as all my
senses competed to focus upon the fire which was
blazing upwards from my feet.
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successful? why?
We get an idea of the place (a beach) but,
crucially, not of exactly what has happened. The
feeling is there, but not the reason. The reader
has been hooked, and now they are begging to be
told the answer to one question What has
happened?
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make it vivid
the five senses alliteration simile metaphor perso
nification
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basic plan
the feeling stepping off the plane build up /
clue (jellyfish) the agony aftermath looking back
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basic plan
the feeling stepping off the plane build up /
clue (jellyfish) the agony aftermath looking back
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flashback
situation stepping off plane on holiday more
setting feeling excitement / anticipation /
joy using senses / techniques to convey
this timeframe a few heartbeats