5WS1.6 Edit and revise manuscripts to improve the meaning and focus of writing by adding, deleting, consolidating, clarifying, and rearranging words and sentences.

1
5WS1.6 Edit and revise manuscripts to improve
the meaning and focus of writing by adding,
deleting, consolidating, clarifying, and
rearranging words and sentences.

• Standard 6WS1.6
• Revise writing to improve organization and
  consistency within and between paragraphs

2
We will revise1 our writing to improve2 its
meaning3 and consistency4.
Learning Objective

• revise1 change
• improve2 make better
• meaning3 what you are trying to tell your
  audience
• consistency4 sticking with the same idea not
  deviating

Pre-pronounce T read (define in context) choral
read PS What are we doing today?
3
Which is more interesting to read?
APK

• His sweater was nice. The boys laughed when they
  saw it.
• His sweater had a frilly collar made of fuzzy,
  pink yarn. The boys laughed to see the dog
  dressed up this way.

A
B
When we change our words, the meaning becomes
clearer, and our audience wants to read more.
Today we will learn how to change our writing.
WB PS Frame Sentence__ was interesting to me
because___
4
Revising is improving the content and
organization of your writing
concept

• Writing needs CONSISTENCY. This means that all
  the ideas work together to support the main idea.
  
• Sentences and paragraphs must be strongly
  connected.
• Writing needs organization

Example I have news for teenage volunteers
Doing volunteer work can benefit you because it
helps you see the world in a different way.
Non example I am going to tell you about the
reasons you should volunteer.
5

• Think of writing sentences as a chain
• Each link (sentence) is connected to the main
  object (idea)-even if it is far away from it.
  The links (sentences) MUST work together for the
  chain (paragraph) to be strong.

After school
Example I went to my friends house, but her
mom wasnt home. So, we did our homework and ate
a snack. When we were done, her dad drove me
home.
Non-example I went to my friends house.
Her mom wasnt home. We did our homework and
ate. I had ice cream. Chocolate is my
favorite. She had her dad drive me home later.
6
Ways to revise your writing

• Deleting words or sentences that take away from
  topic or are redundant
• Adding words or sentences that bridge ideas or
  add meaningful description
• Consolidating-using fewer, more powerful words
• Clarifying-making your thoughts clearer
• Rearranging-changing the word order

7
concept
Take out words or sentences that are not related
to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused
Change the order of the words /or sentences.
Organize by time, sequence, or logical order.
Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or
make connections clear. Additions should make
meanings clearer or enhance descriptions
Make your thoughts clearer.
Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning.
Omit redundancies.
Ask yourself If I knew nothing about this
topic, would I understand?
Ex extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly,
generous, delicious, carefree
First, next, last, then, after,
before, consequently
Ex Therefore, then, also, in addition
Ex good nice bad funny big
8
RAJ

• What is deleting to revise mean?
• What would you need to do to delete to revise?
• (1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot
  in ships at night. (2) Sailors enjoy the sea.(3)
  A lighthouse is a tower with a powerful light on
  top to illuminate the darkness.
• Cross out sentence 2
• Add more details
• How do you know that?

9
Why revise?

• Sometimes our thoughts dont translate clearly
  into written words
• Effective writing gets your ideas across clearly
• Your readers will know what you are saying
• It is tested on the CST and benchmarks
• Good writing makes a good impression

Which sentence could best be added to the
beginning of the second paragraph? A Obviously,
some kinds are more complicated to make and
operate than others. B Local schools and
libraries are good places to find a string puppet
show being presented. C Puppets continue to
entertain people of all ages, and we all remember
Pinocchio fondly. D It might surprise you to
know that puppetry is a very old art form.
Importance
Which sentence would be best to remove from the
first paragraph? A Those who built the Tower of
Pisa never meant for it to lean, though this is
what has made it famous. B Other towers, such as
the Eiffel Tower and the Tower of London, are
known for their own unique qualities. C In
recent years, workers have had to make the Tower
of Pisa lean less, to make it safe for visitors
to enter. D How did the tower come to lean, and
how did workers make the Leaning Tower stand
straighter?
CST
10

• I do
• The new mall is fabulous. It has a great food
  court. The food at school is terrible. The mall
  also has a skating rink. I love ice skating, but
  it hurts my ankles.

• The best revision is to
• Delete sentences 1 2
• Delete sentences 3 4
• Delete sentences 4 5
• Delete sentences 3 5
• Delete sentences 2 4

• The new mall is fabulous. It has a great food
  court. The mall also has a terrific skating rink.

This needs revision because it should be praising
the new mall. Instead it talks about other
things.
11

• 1)There are thousands of traditional quilting
  patterns, many with names that echo the countrys
  history and that of the people who created them.
  2)Pattern names may be simple or quite elaborate.
  3)Some patterns echo the countrys history.
  4)Some colorful patterns include Abe Lincolns
  Log Cabin, Jacobs Ladder, Flower Basket, Turkey
  Tracks, and California Rose.

• Which sentence would be best to remove from the
  paragraph?
• Delete sentence 2
• Delete sentence 3
• Delete sentence 4
• Leave as is

12
What is it called when we take out words or
sentences that are not related to the main topic,
are repetitive, or are overused?

• Which sentence should be deleted to revise (does
  not belong)?
• (1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot
  ships at night. (2)Sailors enjoy the sea. (3)A
  lighthouse is a tower with a powerful light on
  top to illuminate the darkness.
• Sentence 1
• Sentence 2
• Sentence 3
• What is something you learned about deleting to
  revise?

13
APK (Day 2) We have learned that when we delete
to revise we take out words or sentences that are
not related to the main topic, are repetitive, or
are overused. (1)Hummingbirds are the smallest
of all birds. (2)The largest living bird is the
ostrich. (3)Hummingbirds are colorful creatures
that range in size from 2 ¼ to 8 ½ inches in
length. (4)They can fly up to 60 miles per hour,
moving their wings and an amazing 50 to 75 beats
for second! (5)Hummingbirds burn so much energy
that they are need to eat almost constantly
during daylight hours. (6)My big brother eats
constantly too!
We can delete sentence 2 to revise because it is
not related to the main topic. What other
sentence can we delete to revise?
14
concept
Take out words or sentences that are not related
to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused
Change the order of the words /or sentences.
Organize by time, sequence, or logical order.
Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or
make connections clear. Additions should make
meanings clearer or enhance descriptions
Make your thoughts clearer.
Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning.
Omit redundancies.
Ask yourself If I knew nothing about this
topic, would I understand?
Ex extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly,
generous, delicious, carefree
First, next, last, then, after,
before, consequently
Ex Therefore, then, also, in addition
Ex good nice bad funny big
15
RAJ

• What does adding to revise mean?
• What would you need to do to add to revise?
• (1)Lighthouses are designed to help sailors pilot
  in ships at night.(2) A lighthouse is a tower
  with a powerful light on top to illuminate the
  darkness.
• Cross out sentence 2
• Add more details
• How do you know that?

16

• I do
• Morse became a painter and worked as an artist
  for many years. Morse constructed his first
  primitive model of a telegraph using a homemade
  battery and parts from an old clock.

• A He was well respected as a painter of
  realistic portraits, and his work is exhibited at
  museums around the country.
• B He lived and painted in New York where he
  founded the National Academy of Design and became
  its president
• C He left painting behind when he received
  information that gave him an idea of how to
  create the telegraph.
• D He had always been interested in inventing
  machines and, with his brother, had previously
  applied for patents on some water pumps.

Which of the following sentences would provide
the best transition between these two sentences?
17
Which sentence can be added to revise this
paragraph?

• We do
• Metal detecting is often thought of as something
  that older, retired people do. However, many
  young people have taken up metal detecting, too.
  People who metal detect have found coins, old
  guns, meteorites, jewelry, and even gold nuggets.
  This form of treasure hunting is rewarding, good
  exercise, and fun for people of all ages.

• A The detector is a long, stick-like object that
  can indicate where metal is located.
• B Doctors say that people need more exercise.
• C Old people cant do a lot of things, so this
  is a good activity for them.
• D People of all ages can uncover the treasures
  beneath our feet.

18
What is it called when we place new words or
sentences to bridge ideas or make connections
clear?

• _______________. Everything was always so much
  fun when Alejandro was around. The house smelled
  like stuffed turkey, and those special rolls
  their grandmother had always made from scratch,
  golden and fluffy and dripping with butter. Raul
  raced his brother, Alejandro, to the dinner table
  almost tripping over Grandpas old and worn
  wooden cane.
• Raul was ready for dinner
• Raul was happy that his older brother was home
  for Thanksgiving.
• Alejandro was away at college
• What is something you learned about adding to
  revise?

19
APK Day 3
We learned that when we add to revise we place
new words or sentences to bridge ideas or make
connections clear. Additions should make
meanings clearer or enhance descriptions
Hummingbirds are the smallest of all birds.
Hummingbirds are colorful creatures that range in
size from 2 ¼ to 8 ½ inches in length. They can
fly up to 60 miles per hour, moving their wings
and an amazing 50 to 75 beats for second!
Hummingbirds burn so much energy that they are
need to eat almost constantly during daylight
hours.
I could add the sentence, Hummingbirds are
record-breaking birds, to the beginning of the
sentence to best engage the readers.
20
APK Day 3

Hummingbirds are the smallest of all birds.
Hummingbirds are colorful creatures that range in
size from 2 ¼ to 8 ½ inches in length. They can
fly up to 60 miles per hour, moving their wings
and an amazing 50 to 75 beats for second!
Hummingbirds burn so much energy that they are
need to eat almost constantly during daylight
hours.

• Which of these sentences would best follow the
  last sentence of the paragraph?
• At night the fall into a deep sleep, much like
  hibernation.
• Bird-watchers enjoy searching for different kinds
  of hummingbirds.
• The tiny fairy hummingbird is the favorite of
  many bird lovers.

21
concept
Change the order of the words /or sentences.
Organize by time, sequence, or logical order.
Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or
make connections clear. Additions should make
meanings clearer or enhance descriptions
Take out words or sentences that are not related
to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused
Make your thoughts clearer.
Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning.
Omit redundancies.
Ask yourself If I knew nothing about this
topic, would I understand?
Ex extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly,
generous, delicious, carefree
First, next, last, then, after,
before, consequently
Ex Therefore, then, also, in addition
Ex good nice bad funny big
22
RAJ

• What does consolidating to revise mean?
• Read the following sentences.
• Butterflies and moths are winged insects.
  Butterflies and moths make up the order
  Lepidoptera.
• Which sentence is an example of consolidating to
  revise?
• Butterflies and moths are winged insects.
• Butterflies and moths are both winged insects
  that belong to the order Lepidoptera.
• How do you know that?

23
Which of these concluding paragraphs show
revision for consolidation?
A
B

• In this paper I have written to explain why
  classic American cars from the 1950s and 1960s
  are still popular today. Look for Classic
  American cars from the 1950s and 1960s on the
  road and see if you agree with what I have
  written.

• Cars with fins! Cars with grills in front
  that depict deep-sea monsters! Yes, the 1950s
  and 1960s were a time of exciting vehicles. It
  is no wonder that hundreds of them have become
  classics.

24
We doWhich of these concluding paragraphs show
revision for consolidation?
A
B

• Saliva in the insects mouth keeps the blood
  flowing smoothly so that the mosquito can get all
  that it needs. This saliva is the liquid that
  causes a bump or welt to form.

• I am going to tell you about mosquito saliva.
  The saliva in the mosquitos mouth keeps the
  blood flowing smoothly so that the mosquito can
  get all that it needs. I did not know that is
  what the saliva was used for.

25
What is it called when we use fewer words that
carry powerful meaning and omit redundancies?

• I am going to tell you why hummingbirds are
  interesting birds. They can fly up to 60 miles
  per hour. Their wings move at a rate of 50 to 75
  beats per second.
• Hummingbirds are amazing creatures! Their wings
  move at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second,
  allowing them to fly up to 60 miles per hour.
• What is something you learned about consolidating
  to revise?

26
APK Day 4
We learned that when we consolidate to revise we
use fewer words that carry powerful meaning and
omit redundancies.
Frank enrolled in a pottery class and Frank did
this after he took a basic art class.
Teacher I do

1. A pottery class is what Frank enrolled in after
   Frank took a basic art class.
2. After Frank took a basic art class, he enrolled
   in a pottery class.

We do
Lucy asked Robert to help install the bookshelf.
It was after they had lunch.

1. After lunch, Lucy asked Robert to help install
   the bookshelf.
2. Helping to install the bookshelf is what Lucy
   asked him, it was after they had lunch.

27
concept
Change the order of the words /or sentences.
Organize by time, sequence, or logical order.
Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or
make connections clear. Additions should make
meanings clearer or enhance descriptions
Take out words or sentences that are not related
to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused
Make your thoughts clearer.
Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning.
Omit redundancies.
Ask yourself If I knew nothing about this
topic, would I understand?
Ex extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly,
generous, delicious, carefree
First, next, last, then, after,
before, consequently
Ex Therefore, then, also, in addition
Ex good nice bad funny big
28
RAJ

• What does clarifying to revise mean?
• Which is an example of a sentence that has been
  clarified?
• The children are going there this afternoon.
• Sonya and Ricky are going to McDonalds at 500.
• How do you know that?

29
I do What sentence could be added to clarify the
passage?

• For a long time scientists wondered where comets
  came from. Today, most scientists believe that
  comets come from an unseen cloud of particles
  called the Oort cloud. This cloud probably
  surrounds our solar system.

1. Comets are pretty.
2. The cloud may contain between 10 and 100 trillion
   comets.
3. Edmund Halley studied comets.
4. People are fascinated by comets.

30
We do What sentence could be added to clarify
the passage?

• For many years, post roads were used mainly by
  mail riders and a few travelers. Some wagons and
  carts owned by farmers and merchants who shipped
  goods went along the bumpy roads too.

1. By 1722, the Boston post roads were made smooth
   and safe enough for stagecoaches.
2. Native Americans made their own roads many years
   before.
3. Animals made trails through the plains.
4. Gradually trail were made wider as trees were
   chopped down.

31
What is it called when we make our thoughts
clearer?
Closure

• I am going to tell you why hummingbirds are
  interesting birds. They can fly up to 60 miles
  per hour. Their wings move at a rate of 50 to 75
  beats per second.
• Hummingbirds are amazing creatures! Their wings
  move at a rate of 50 to 75 beats per second,
  allowing them to fly up to 60 miles per hour.
• What is something you learned about
  clarifying to revise?

32
APK Day 5
We learned that when we clarify we make our
thoughts clearer.
Teacher I do
Which sentence has been clarified?

1. Kate ate a peanut butter sandwich and potato
   chips for lunch.
2. She ate her favorite foods for lunch.

We do

• He read a book under the tall tree.
• Juan read Diary of a Wimpy Kid under the oak
  tree.

33
concept
Change the order of the words /or sentences.
Organize by time, sequence, or logical order.
Placing new words or sentences to bridge ideas or
make connections clear. Additions should make
meanings clearer or enhance descriptions
Take out words or sentences that are not related
to the main topic, are repetitive, or are overused
Make your thoughts clearer.
Use fewer words that carry powerful meaning.
Omit redundancies.
Ask yourself If I knew nothing about this
topic, would I understand?
Ex extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly,
generous, delicious, carefree
First, next, last, then, after,
before, consequently
Ex Therefore, then, also, in addition
Ex good nice bad funny big
34
RAJ

• What does rearranging to revise mean?
• (1)During summer, the animals population
  increases because of migration. (2) They travel,
  or migrate, here in late spring and leave again
  before winter begins. (3) Many animals,
  especially birds, live on the tundra only during
  the summer.
• Which is an example what I could do to rearrange
  to revise?
• Add more details after sentence 3
• Move sentence 2 to the end of the paragraph.
• How do you know that?

35

I do
Will rearranging these sentences to revise
improve this paragraph?

• 1)The motion of a hummingbirds wings is so fast
  that you cant see them. 2) Their wings look
  delicate, but theyre amazingly strong. 3) A
  hummingbirds moving wings can be a blur. 4)In
  addition, their sound makes the birds easier to
  locate.

• Which sentence could best be moved to the
  beginning of this paragraph?
• A Leave as is
• B Sentence 2
• C Sentence 3
• D Sentence 4

36
We do

• (1)An old house leaned against trees, and a barn
  loomed behind it. (2)Upon closer inspection, we
  found a cistern on the east side of the house and
  a smokehouse in front. (3)We had stumbled upon a
  forgotten old homestead. (4)We walked around,
  trying to get a better look at the yard.

• Which sentence could best be moved to the
  beginning of this paragraph?
• A Leave as is
• B Sentence 2
• C Sentence 3
• D Sentence 4

37
What is it called when we change the order of the
words /or sentences or organize by time,
sequence, or logical order?
Closure
(1) There are beautiful red and yellow leaves
covering the ground. (2) Autumn is a great time
of year to go for a walk. (3) The air is crisp
and cool in your face.

• Which sentence can be moved the beginning of
  the paragraph?
• Sentence 2
• Sentence 3
• Leave as is.
• What is something you learned about
  rearranging to revise?

38
Closure

• What is improving the content and organization of
  your writing called?
• Name and explain one of the aspects of revision
  we have learned.
• Why is revision important?

39
Independent Practice Use the Weekly Standards
Review pages 50-53 and your tree map to do the
following exercises Page 50 3 and 4 Page 51
1 and 2 Page 52 3 Page 53 1
40
(No Transcript)
41
Student cloze worksheet concept
Placing ___ words or sentences to ______ideas or
make connections clear. Additions should make
meanings _______ or enhance descriptions
Make your thoughts _______.
Take ____ words or sentences that are ___ _______
to the main topic, are ________, or are ________
Use _____ words that carry _______ meaning.
________ redundancies.
Change the _____ of the words /or sentences.
________ by time, sequence, or logical order.
Ask yourself If I knew nothing about this
topic, would I understand?
Ex extremely, rapidly, gorgeous, friendly,
generous, delicious, carefree
First, next, last, then, after,
before, consequently
Ex Therefore, then, also, in addition
Ex good nice bad funny big