Chapter 7 Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

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Chapter 7Love and Communication in Intimate
Relationships
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What Is Love?

• Difficult to define and/or measure
• Special attitude with behavioral and emotional
  components
• Different things to different people
• Difficult to measure

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Types of Love

• Passionate Love
• Also known as romantic love or infatuation
• Intense psychological feelings
• Generalized physiological arousal
• Strong sexual desire
• Avoid conflict
• Feelings of completeness
• Short-lived

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Types of Love

• Companionate Love
• Less intense than passionate love
• Friendly affection and deep attachment
• Familiarity and tolerance for short-comings
• More enduring than passionate love

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Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love
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Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love

• Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment are the three
  love components
• Passion builds then fades
• Intimacy and commitment continue to build
• Variations in components yield different kinds of
  love
• Intimacy alone friendship
• Passion alone infatuation
• Commitment alone empty love

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Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love
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Lees Styles of Loving

• Romantic (eros)
• Game-playing (ludus)
• Possessive (mania)
• Compassionate (storge)
• Altruistic (agape)
• Pragmatic (pragma)
• Hypothesis that relationship success is
  influenced by compatibility in styles of loving

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Falling in Love

• The chemistry of love
• Neurotransmitters
• Norepinephrine
• Dopamine
• Phenylethylamine (PEA)
• Oxytocin
• Endorphins
• Loss of romantic love and neurotransmitter
  withdrawal

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Falling in Love Proximity

• Proximity
• Mere exposure effect
• Familiarity breeds liking or loving
• Greater proximity often reflects shared interests

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Falling in Love Similarity

• Similarity
• Level of physical attractiveness
• Age, educational status, and religion
• Race and ethnicity
• Why Similarity?
• Share similar interests and activities
• Communicate better
• Confirm own views and experiences
• Supportive of values and beliefs

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Role of Similarity in Relationships
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Falling in LoveReciprocity

• Reciprocity
• When someone shows they like us, we tend to like
  them back
• Increases in self-esteem
• Increases likelihood of relationship enduring

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Falling in Love Physical Attractiveness

• Physical Attractiveness
• Belief that whats beautiful is good
• Offer status by association
• Most important in early stages
• May be an indicator of physical health
• Heterosexual males place greater emphasis on
  physical attractiveness

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Attachment

• Attachment Intense emotional tie between two
  individuals
• Adult attachments are influenced by our
  attachment to caregiver in infancy
• Attachment Style (Ainsworth)
• Secure attachment
• Insecure attachment
• Anxious-ambivalent attachment
• Avoidant attachment

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Attachment

• Attachment styles in adulthood
• Paired couples often are similar in their
  attachment styles
• Attachment style affects interaction in
  relationship

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Attachment Styles and Relationships
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Issues in Loving Relationships

• Relationship between love and sex
• Relationship between the two is not always clear
• Consider hook-ups and friends with benefits
• Questions to ask
• Does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship?
• Do men and women have different views of sex and
  love?

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Sexual Orientation Attitudes About Love and Sex

• Stereotype same-sex relationships as primarily
  sexual
• Generally seek loving, trusting, and caring
  relationships that embrace many dimensions of
  sharing
• Sex differences among lesbians and gay men are
  consistent with general sex difference in
  attitudes toward love and sex
• Gay men are more likely than lesbians to separate
  love from sex
• Lesbians more likely to postpone sex until
  intimacy has been established

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Jealousy in Relationships

• Jealousy-prone person
• Low self-esteem
• High value on wealth and popularity
• Negative consequences
• Precipitates partner violence
• Stifles relationship development
• Raises anxiety, depression, and anger
• Sex differences
• Women more likely to acknowledge feelings of
  jealousy
• Men tend to focus more on sexual involvement with
  another

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Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

• Ingredients in a lasting love relationship
• Self-acceptance
• Appreciation of each others qualities
• Commitment
• Good communication, realistic expectations, and
  shared interests
• Ability to face and deal with conflict

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Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

• Characteristics of high quality relationships
• Supportive communication
• Companionship
• Sexual expression and variety
• Seeing partner as best friend
• Maintaining frequent positive interaction

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Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction

• Sexual Variety
• Communication is critical
• Be spontaneous
• Plan for intimate time
• Dont worry about frequency standards

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Discovering Partners Needs

• Ask questions
• Yes/No questions
• Open-ended questions
• Either/Or questions
• Self-disclosure
• Discuss sexual preferences
• Give permission
• Learn to make requests

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Taking Responsibility

• Make requests specific
• Use I language
• Expressing and receiving complaints
• Choose right time and place
• Temper complaints with praise
• Avoid why questions
• Limit to one complaint per discussion
• Ask clarifying questions
• Express your feelings
• Focus on future changes

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Talking Getting Started

• Reading and discussing
• Sharing sexual histories
• Listening and feedback
• Active listening
• Providing feedback
• Maintaining eye contact
• Support communication efforts

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Saying No

• Three step approach
• Show appreciation for invitation
• Say no in a clear, unequivocal fashion
• Offer alternatives

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Non-Verbal Sexual Communication

• Facial expressions
• Interpersonal distance
• Touching
• Sounds

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Communication Patterns in Relationships

• Gottmans constructive communication tactics
• Leveling and editing
• Validating
• Volatile dialogue
• Gottmans destructive communication tactics
• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
• Belligerence