Male Love

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Male Love Sex Addiction Explored

• Presented By

• John V. Leadem, LCSW, MA, CSAT-S, CMAT

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Sex Addiction Defined

• Sex addiction is a persistent and escalating
  pattern or patterns of sexual behaviors acted out
  despite increasingly negative consequences to
  self or others.

Provided By Society for the Advancement of
Sexual Health
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Behavioral Indicators

• A pattern of out of control sexual behavior the
  amount, extent and duration of the behavior
  regularly exceeds what the addict intended
• An out of control sexual behavior could be
  defined as any sexual or romantic behavior that
  causes distress for the addict or others and is
  repeated.

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Behavioral Indicators

• Behavior that exceeds intended limits in amount,
  extent and duration indicates a loss of control
  because behaviors would only be in excess if
  they were encroaching on other duties, interests,
  or responsibilities.

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Behavioral Indicators

• If the client has made any attempts to control
  the behaviors in question it is likely that this
  symptom could apply. Remember the need to
  control ones behavior could also indicate a
  problem.

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Behavioral Indicators

• Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual
  behavior and an inability to stop despite these
  adverse consequences
• Stopping is really fairly easy it is stopping
  and staying that way that is hard. Remember
  there is no such condition as alcoholwasim only
  alcoholism.

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Behavioral Indicators

• Persistent pursuit of self destructive or high
  risk behavior
• As the sex addicts tolerance increases and more
  time is spent in the zone greater and greater
  risks are taken without fear of getting caught.

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Behavioral Indicators

• Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior
• As the unmanageability begins to grow the sex and
  love addict is likely to try a great many fixes
  for the problem like my attempt to escape into
  the priesthood.

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Behavioral Indicators

• Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping
  strategy
• When one is using sex and fantasy as a primary or
  dependent strategy for calming anxiety, to alter
  mood, cope with stress or loss it is an
  indication that a sex or love addiction is
  developing.

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Behavioral Indicators

• Sexual obsession and fantasy is not necessarily
  about having an orgasm.
• The sex and love addict will use sexual and
  romantic fantasy and behavior as a mood altering
  experience regardless of the consequences it
  brings.
• All relapse in addiction is preceded by a desire
  to feel differently and the expectation that
  ones drug of choice would make that happen.

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Behavioral Indicators

• Increasing the amount of sexual experience
  because the current level of activity is no
  longer sufficiently satisfying
• Severe mood changes related to sexual activity
  (secrecy and shame)
• Inordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex,
  being sexual, and recovering from sexual
  experiences

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Behavioral Indicators

• Neglect of important social, occupational, or
  recreational activities because of sexual
  behavior

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Love Addiction Defined

• Love addiction is a persistent or
  re-occurring pattern of romantic behaviors or
  relationships that are maintained or repeated
  despite increasing or predictably negative
  consequences to self or others.

Leadem, J., Leadem, S. Ounce of Prevention A
Course in Relapse Prevention, 2012.
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Behavioral Indicators

• Love addicts assign a disproportionate amount of
  time, attention, and value above themselves to
  the person to whom they are addicted, and this
  focus often has an obsessive quality about it.

Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.
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Behavioral Indicators

• Love addicts have unrealistic expectations for
  unconditional positive regard from the other
  person in the relationship and neglect to care
  for or value themselves while theyre lost in or
  in pursuit of a romantic relationship.

Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.
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Behavioral Indicators

• Pia Mellodys work on love addiction in Facing
  Love Addiction, 1992, identifies that the
  language used to describe a love addiction is
  functionally very similar to what has been
  written about the traits of co-dependency.
• The love relationship is not seen as the
  exclusive answer to the problem for the
  co-dependent person as it is for the love
  addicted sufferer.

Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.
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Behavioral Indicators

• When a relationship becomes the object of a love
  addiction, love is a struggle for power rather
  than an experience of intimacy as it might be for
  the co-dependent person.

Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.
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Behavioral Indicators

• Love addicts are likely to fall in love for the
  relationships potential which is an early
  indicator of self devaluation and they will often
  view self as less than when not in a romance.

Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.
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Sexually Compulsive Behavior

• In the original research conducted for Dont Call
  It Love, a series of 114 sexual behaviors were
  statistically analyzed
• A total of 10 types of sexually compulsive
  behavior emerged in the sex addicts surveyed

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 1 Fantasy Sex

• Primary source of arousal sexually charged
  fantasies, relationships, and situations that
  represent desired possibilities.
• This profile of sexual addiction is more likely
  to choose fantasy over an actual sexual encounter
  except in the case of sex with self that is
  generally quite compulsive.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 1 Fantasy Sex

• In this pattern look for multiple romances and
  intrigues, compulsive masturbation, preference
  for fantasy over contact and periods of
  compulsive non-sexuality.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 2 Seductive Role Sex

• Primary source of arousal seduction of partners
  as a way to gain power and control. Since
  arousal is based on conquest it diminishes
  rapidly after the initial contact.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 2 Seductive Role Sex

• The pattern usually involves having many
  relationships at the same time or successive
  relationships one right after another or affairs
  outside of the primary relationship.
• Individuals fitting this profile are sexual with
  the intent of attaining power over another
  person.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 2 Seductive Role Sex

• Men and women in this group tend to feel
  compelled to be sexual because they have been
  seductive and not because they really want sex.
• The conquest is everything and the arousal of the
  chase can lead to a trance-like state in which
  the addict is unaware of the level of risks being
  taken.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 3 Voyeuristic Sex

• Primary source of arousal visual arousal to
  escape into an obsessive trance-like state.
• Awareness of human beauty is one of natures
  pleasures and a sense of longing for a connection
  is quite natural but the sex addicts reaction to
  it is not.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 3 Voyeuristic Sex
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Type 3 Voyeuristic Sex

• Romantic and sexual passion is not harmful, but
  for the voyeur it has degenerated into pathology
  and it can become potentially dangerous for the
  members of this class of sex addicts to indulge
  in sexual or romantic passions outside a
  legitimate committed relationship. Looking at
  the menu is as dangerous as placing an order.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 4 Exhibitionistic Sex

• Primary source of arousal attracting attention
  to body or sexual parts of the body and relies
  heavily on the reaction of the viewer whether it
  is one of shock, displeasure, or interest.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 5 Paying for Sex

• Primary source of arousal purchasing of sexual
  services in which the transaction is more
  stimulating than the actual physical contact.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 5 Paying for Sex

• The Internet has replaced the pimp for many sex
  consumers and offers the biggest world-wide
  street corner our society has ever seen. The
  risks involved in paying for sex are generally
  understood by all involved.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 5 Paying for Sex

• For the occasional customer the risks are
  acceptable. For the sex addict in this profile
  the risks themselves can represent the necessary
  elements for peak arousal.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 6 Trading Sex

• Primary source of arousal selling or bartering
  sex for power in order to gain control of others
  by using sex as leverage whether as the broker or
  the customer.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 7 Intrusive Sex

• Primary source of arousal boundary violation
  without discovery and preferably with no
  repercussions.
• Intrusive sex occurs when someone is sexualized
  or touched without their permission.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 7 Intrusive Sex

• The more obvious intrusions are making
  inappropriate sexual advances or gestures, sexual
  touching or fondling, or the use of force.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 8 Anonymous Sex

• Primary source of arousal high-risk sex with
  unknown persons with no seduction or cost likely
  and obtained as spontaneously as possible.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 9 Pain Exchange Sex

• Primary source of arousal violating emotional or
  physical boundaries through emotional or physical
  pain or both in the role of the victim or the
  violator with no repercussions.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 9 Pain Exchange Sex

• The pleasure associated with sadomasochistic
  behavior is frequently found in the emotions
  experienced during the event and not in the abuse
  itself.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Type 10 Exploitive Sex

• Primary source of arousal exploitation of the
  vulnerable often with specific profiles and
  riddled with complicated rituals and rigorously
  demanding prerequisites.

Carnes, P. Dont Call It Love, 1992.
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Applicable Self-Help Groups

• Sex Addicts Anonymous
• Website www.saa-recovery.org
• Sex Love Addicts Anonymous
• Website www.slaafws.org
• Sexaholics Anonymous
• Website www.sa.org
• COSA
• Website www.cosa-recovery.org
• S-Anon
• Website www.sanon.org

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Important Reading

• Bercaw, B. , Bercaw, G. The Couples Guide to
  Intimacy How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can
  Help Your Relationship Heal. Self Published,
  2010.
• Black, C. Deceived Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies,
  and Secrets. Center City, MN Hazelden, 2009.
• Carnes, P. Don't Call It Love Recovery from
  Sexual Addiction. New York Bantam Books, 1991.
• Carnes, P. Facing the Shadows Starting Sexual
  and Relational Recovery. Carefree, AZ Gentle
  Path Press, 2008.
• Carnes, P. Out of the Shadows Understanding
  Sexual Addiction. Center City, MN Hazelden,
  1983.
• Ferree, M. No Stones Women Redeemed from Sexual
  Addiction. Downers Grove, IL InterVarsity Press,
  2010.
• Kasl, C. S. Women, Sex, and Addiction. New York
  Harper Row Publishers, 1990.
• McDaniel, K. Ready to Heal Women Facing Love,
  Sex, and Relationship Addiction. Carefree, AZ
  Gentle Path Press, 2008.
• Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction Giving
  Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love.
  San Francisco, CA HarperCollins Publishers,
  1992.
• Schnieder, J., Weiss, R.. Cybersex Exposed
  Simple Fantasy or Obsession. Center City, MN
  Hazelden Publishing,2011.

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Professional Help

• Leadem Counseling Consulting Services
• 668 Commons Way, Building I
• Toms River, NJ 08755
• Telephone [phone]
• Website www.leademcounseling.com
• Email leadem_at_comcast.net
• International Institute for Trauma Addiction
  Professionals
• P.O. Box 2112
  Carefree, AZ
  85377 Telephone [phone]
• Website www.iitap.com

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Professional Help

• The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
• P.O. Box 433
• Royston, GA 30662
• Telephone [phone]
• Website www.sash.net

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LCCS Publications

• Clearing Away the Wreckage of the Past
• A Task Oriented Guide for Completing Steps 4
  through 7
• One in the Spirit
• Meditation Course for Recovering Couples
• See Back Table for Order Forms

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Other Works By John Elaine

• Surveying the Wreckage A Guide to the Fourth
  Step
• Published by Gentle Path Press
• Inspiration that will guide you through the
  challenges of the Fourth Step