Leading with Intention

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Leading with Intention

• Lisa Lawrence
• Principals Network Meeting
• November 13, 2006

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Leading with Intention

• Part 1 Purposeful Conversations Listening
  Fully
• Part 2 Purposeful Conversations Managing
  Conflict
• Part 3 Choosing Your Conversations
• Part 4 Committing to Persistent Invention

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Befriend Criticism and Complaints

• Almost anyone who suggests a new idea, challenges
  the status quo, or takes action to meet goals
  will get criticized.

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Conflict 1.v. to come into collision or
disagreement be contradictory, at variance, or
in opposition clash 2.n. a fight, battle, or
struggle, esp. a prolonged struggle strife.
3.n. controversy quarrel 4. n. discord of
action, feeling, or effect antagonism or
opposition, as of interests or principles.
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One of the greatest tragedies is seeing a leader
with incredible talent get derailed because he or
she lacks the basic conversational skills and
tools needed to operate in this fast-paced,
results-oriented environment. -Karie Willyerd,
CTO, Solectron
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Crucial Conversation n. A discussion between
two or more people where (1) stakes are high,
(2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.
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Typically, we handle these conversations by

• Avoiding them
• Facing them and handling them poorly
• Facing them and handling them well

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Were generally on our worst behavior. Why?

• Were wired that way.
• Were under pressure.
• Were stumped.
• We act in self-defeating ways.

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Most Importantly

• When it comes to risky, controversial, and
  emotional conversations, skilled people find a
  way to get all relevant information (from
  themselves and others) out into the open.

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Labeling this Spectacular Talent

• Dialogue n. The free flow of meaning between two
  or more people.

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Dialogue vs. Debate

• Assuming that there is a right answer, and you
  have it
• Listening to find flaws and make
  counter-arguments
• Defending our own assumptions as truth

• Assuming that many people have pieces of the
  answer
• Listening to understand, find meaning and
  agreement
• Revealing our assumptions for reevaluation

Gerzon, M. Leading Through Conflict
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Dialogue vs. Debate

• Seeing two sides to an issue
• Defending ones own views against those of others
• Searching for flaws and weaknesses in others
  positions
• By creating a winner and loser, discouraging
  further discussion

• Seeing all sides of an issue
• Admitting that others thinking can improve on
  ones own
• Searching for strengths and value in others
  positions
• Keeping the topic open even after the discussion
  formally ends

Gerzon, M. Laeding Through Conflict
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Planning for Crucial Conversations

• Start with the heart
• Learn to look
• Make it safe
• Master your stories
• STATE your path
• Explore others paths
• Move to action

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Start with the Heart

• When faced with a failed conversation, most of us
  are quick to blame others. If others would only
  change, then wed all live happily ever after.
• Rarely are we innocent more often than not, we
  do something to contribute to the problems were
  experiencing.
• As we work on ourselves, we become the most
  skilled at dialogue.

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Learn to Look

• Recognize when a conversation goes from casual to
  crucial
• Ask yourself Am I in or out of dialogue? Am I
  slipping into an old habit of silence or
  violence? Are others?

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Make It Safe

• When you notice that you and others have moved
  away from dialogue, do something to make it
  safer.
• Ask a question, show interest, affirm them for
  their courage, apologize when appropriate, smile,
  listen

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Mastering Our Stories
Nothing in this world is good or bad, but
thinking makes it so. -William Shakespeare

• Its not how you play the game,
• its how it plays you.

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See/hear Tell a Story Feel Act
The Path to Action
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The Tales We Weave

• Victim Stories Its Not My Fault
• Villain Stories Its All Your Fault
• Helpless Stories Theres Nothing Else I Can Do

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Tell the Rest of the Story A Useful One

• Turn victims into actors
• Am I pretending not to notice my role in this
  problem?
• Turn villains into humans
• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent
  person do what this person is doing?
• Turn the helpless into the able
• What do I really want? For me? For others? For
  the relationship?
• What would I do right now if I really wanted
  these results?

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STATE Your Path
I think I see things differently. Let me
describe how.

• Share your facts
• Start with the least controversial, most
  persuasive elements from your path to action
• Tell your story
• Explain what you are beginning to conclude
• Ask for others paths
• Encourage others to share both their facts and
  stories
• Talk tentatively
• State your story as a story dont disguise it
  as a fact
• Encourage testing
• Make it safe for others to express differing or
  even opposing views

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A Good Story Passes the Goldilocks Test

• Its not too soft
• Its probably my fault, but
• Its not too hard
• You dont trust anyone around here!
• Its just right
• Im starting to feel like you dont trust me. Is
  that whats going on here? If so, Id like to
  know what I did to lose your trust.

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Exercise in STATE-ing your Path

• Each partner has been given a scenario.
• Your task is to craft a just right response
  that will keep you in dialogue with this person.
• Each partner will have the opportunity to
  practice his/her response with one another.

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Explore Others Paths

• Encourage others to share their path to action
• Be sincere
• Be curious
• Stay curious
• Be patient
• Listen for the feeling in the complaint
• Listen for the request in the complaint

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Move to action

• Dialogue is not decision making
• Get clarity on how decisions will be made
• Get clarity on who will do what and by when
• Decide how follow-up will occur

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"A successful man is one who can lay a firm
foundation with the bricks others have thrown at
him." David Brinkley Television
Journalist
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Resources

• Ellis, D., 2002. Falling Awake Creating the Life
  of Your Dreams
• Gerzon, M., 2006. Leading Through Conflict How
  Successful Leaders Transform Differences into
  Opportunities
• Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R.,
  Switzler, A., 2002. Crucial Conversations Tools
  for Talking When the Stakes are High