Nakken Part Two

1
Nakken Part Two

• Stage Two development of a protective persona
• This persona is a like a suit of armor that
  shields the family from the blows of addiction
• These personas all mask fear

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Nakken Part Two

• In time, this persona becomes like a true
  identity. They change their behavior and cant
  stop or return to being their authentic selves
  they were before the disease gained control over
  their family.
• See Neds story on page 92
• As family members try to acquire more control,
  they act hard tough w/each other

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Nakken Part Two

• Denial turning away from the truth
• Family members become less less committed to
  each other
• The drives for power pleasure are foremost in
  everyones mind meaning is secondary.
• The most dominant person in the family, usually
  the addict, possesses the most force now tries
  to exploit manipulate other to accept his/her
  desires

4
Nakken Part Two

• Addiction is accumulative. One hurt after
  another piles on top of each other
• When addiction progresses, despair, frustration
  resentment set in
• Why is the predominant question
• There are no answers, only frustration

5
Nakken Part Two

• When addictive families or couples lose their
  reason for existence, they work to stay together
  instead of be together.
• Family members actively look for reasons not to
  spend time together develop separate lives as a
  way to buffer their losses.
• W/O the answer to why, they become a shame bound
  family. A group of people who feel alone
  together (Marthas story, pages 96-97)

6
Nakken Part Two

• Communication is always sacrificed in the
  addictive family
• They dont listen to each other they only react.
  In this mode, a person only hears the tones
  the first few words of a conversation. Then the
  person retreats into their protective persona
  develops counterarguments.

7
Nakken Part Two

• Communication shuts down. Isolation increases.
  They feel lonely inside feel dishonored by not
  being heard.
• When fights ensue, communication becomes
  indecipherable. There are mixed messages. There
  is illogical reasoning.
• They act out their feelings rather than talking
  them out.

8
Nakken Part Two

• These confusing arguments is a way to keep power.
  If you cant get pinned down, then you cant
  lose.
• Youve got to ask the right question in the right
  way.
• Anger becomes a way of protection, a major
  defense. There is a retreat into indifference
  and apathy. (Henry, p. 99)

9
Nakken Part Two

• Since the coaddict cant escape into their drug,
  they become more defensive, angry, stronger, etc.
  Often children report the coaddict as being
  meaner than the addict. They actually prefer the
  addict to be drunk or high (story, p.100)
• Intimacy expressions of love are dangerous
  not worth the effort.

10
Nakken Part Two

• All their energy is needed for survival. Hence,
  intimacy seems like fluff. It is extraneous
  unreliable. Everyone believes that they are on
  their own.
• Home is a place to avoid school now is the
  place to relax or the place to act out
  frustrations from the home. Home is a place to
  run from, not a place to return to.

11
Nakken Part Two

• The family gets divided into two camps the
  addict the coaddict
• Power struggles develop between the camps. Each
  side feels more frightened and more justified.
• The control side fears understanding care.
  They fear that the addict will take more away
  from the family.

12
Nakken Part Two

• The caring side fears confronting the situation,
  knowing how angry mean the addict can get.
  They want to avoid provoking at all costs.
• Debates become useless. The two camps eventually
  break up the family drifts apart

13
Nakken Part Two

• Family members set up a parallel life. Siblings
  parents go outside the family to find
  relationships that meet their needs which are not
  being met in the family.
• This causes the person to feel false hope.
  Independence or artificial families are seen as
  the answer.
• They feel an underlying sense of guilt for
  abandoning the family.

14
Nakken Part Two

• Family rituals start to break down.
• Happiness is defined as a lack of crisis, by what
  does not happen. This is called negative
  happiness.
• They dont trust happiness. It is fleeting.
  Happiness is a liability. Making others suffer
  is more satisfying than making others happy.

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Nakken Part Two

• They become trapped in a shame-based victim
  persona. (Anna, p. 108)
• Teens must put up with the addiction or leave.
  Children dont have that choice.
• Crises become regular and help to release tension
  (Tobias, p. 109). The family works together to
  give the entire family an opportunity to release
  emotions.

16
Nakken Part Two

• The family starts to create new rules to control
  crises.
• Everyone, especially the addict, agrees with the
  new rules which causes all to back off. This is
  a coping mechanism designed to decrease the
  familys tension (Sonia, p. 110).
• Shame blame become predominant

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Nakken Part Two

• By blaming others, family members assign
  responsibility for the familys failure shame.
  The blamed person, the one at fault, then must
  fix the problems that s/he supposedly created.
  The relieves others of the responsibility. This
  allows for the blamed person to tell him/herself
  that they are different and dont fit in (Judith,
  p. 111)

18
Nakken Part Two

• People develop real or imagined health issues
• COAs were admitted to hospitals 24.3 more than
  other children.
• COAs also stayed in the hospital 28.8 longer
  than other children
• Jennifer, page 112

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Nakken Part Two

• Stage Three Hopelessness
• People sink into indifference, apathy and a deep,
  unfathomable sadness.
• They form negative attachments where each
  persons defense mechanisms play into the defense
  mechanisms of others.
• People develop common enemies

20
Nakken Part Two

• Family relationships become competitive and
  adversarial. Strange alliances form.
• People find ways of escaping the family
  military, marriage, college, pregnancy, gangs,
  etc.
• Cal, page 116
• People long for the addict to go away or die.
  This increases feelings of shame
• Cindy, page 117

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Nakken Part Two

• Sometimes, addicts or even coaddicts become
  suicidal.
• Coaddicts wish that the addict was dead. They
  wish for an overdose or suicide.
• The coaddict berates him/herself for fantasizing
  about such desires.
• This can lead to serious depression

22
Nakken Part Two

• People live in a state of trauma, always acting
  as if danger is near (Kim, p. 119).
• Family members engage in traumatic bonding. They
  appear to support the addict so that they are
  protected. This makes the child feel special
  safe
• Nick, page 120

23
Nakken Part Two

• Some give up and retreat into drugs themselves
  (Stuart, pp. 120-121).
• They have either safe communication or none at
  all (Dwight, p. 121)
• Crises become unsolvable. Making rules no longer
  works. This causes each member to feel even more
  lonely

24
Nakken Part Two

• People marry for different reasons
• A ritual to announce love
• To gain never-ending happiness
• Escape a bad home
• Seek security support
• Unplanned pregnancy
• Fear being alone

25
Nakken Part Two

• In love, we allow ourselves to be profoundly
  changed by the other
• Successful marriage occur when two people create
  sustain meaning love together within their
  relationship
• Independence mutuality love
• Both must sacrifice their ego so that they can
  withstand the pressures of life

26
Nakken Part Two

• The addict does not possess the tools to create
  intimacy
• Married couples make agreements
• Formal statements, ideas plans
• Informal conscious decisions, dreams that are
  expressed thru everyday living
• Assumptions usually not verbalized, a mutual
  vulnerability

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Nakken Part Two

• During the first 5 years, of marriage, there is a
  power struggle and changes to the agreements are
  negotiated
• How a couple solves differences is more important
  than what they argue about
• Quote on pp 138-139
• The addict betrays agreements and power struggles
  ensue

28
Nakken Part Two

• Who is wrong becomes more important than what is
  wrong
• The couple then tries to avoid pain and solve
  problems by avoiding
• Quote on page 140
• Addiction becomes more powerful than any
  agreement the couple may have

29
Nakken Part Two

• The addict sees the substance as the problem and
  the solution
• Quote on p. 143
• The addicts love becomes meaningless
• The longer it takes for the addict to get help,
  the more the relationship deteriorates

30
Nakken Part Two

• The coaddict gives up on the marriage
• S/he feels powerless, nothing changes
• Hopes dreams are shattered
• Attempts to reconnect with the addict fail
• The coaddict is constantly drawn into power
  struggles
• An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is
  normal

31
Nakken Part Two

• The pain for the addicted couple is twofold
• They are separated from their love for each other
• They are separated from the best of themselves
  and humanity
• The couples previous agreements have changed to
  survival

32
Nakken Part Two

• Children of addicts work just to emotionally
  survive
• COAs see their limitations powerlessness as the
  primary cause of their pain.
• They develop an intense fear hatred of their
  own size and youth.

33
Nakken Part Two

• They dream of becoming big powerful.
• They believe that being a child holds danger.
  They blame themselves.
• Ellen, pages 152-153
• Children are trapped in a horrible situation w/o
  the power to change it.
• Abuse occurs when one steals anothers innocence
  for their own gratification

34
Nakken Part Two

• Abuse takes away a persons right to choose when
  how to exchange innocence for knowledge
• COAs grow up in a home that uses manipulation.
  Then children learn how to manipulate
  others/situations

35
Nakken Part Two

• When innocence is taken, reactions occur
• Wall of feelings of loss become hard
• Seek pleasure to fill the loss
• Develop pseudo-innocence
• Pretend that love is not important
• Seek out people who promise to fill up their
  wounds
• Develop a fear of attaching

36
Nakken Part Two

• Children have no choice who their parents are,
  they must attach to their parents for survival
• COAs attach to an addictive family process rather
  than a healthy one
• Quote on page 159
• Abuse crazy behavior that COAs experience are
  interpreted as acts of love

37
Nakken Part Two

• Erickson model on page 162
• The goal of infancy is to develop a belief in
  relationships humanity
• As an infant, our parents are placed into us and
  take seed whether we want to or not
• Our parents become blended into our being and
  personality

38
Nakken Part Two

• The more love the parent is able to express to
  the child, the more trust the infant feels
• COAs become mistrustful lack faith in their
  needs being met