Is it Love or Abuse

1
Is it Love or Abuse?

• Every 15 seconds a women is battered in the
  United States.
• Half of American females experience family
  violence at some point in their lives. More than
  one-third are battered repeatedly every year.
• Although men also can be victims of domestic
  violence, 95 of all abused adults with visible
  injuries are women.
• Battering causes more injuries to women than auto
  accidents, street mugging, and rape combined.

2
Is it Love or Abuse?

• 17 Warning Signs of an
• to Abusive Personality
• What to do if You Think You
• are in an Abusive Relationship
• Real Love is

3
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• The following behaviors are seen in young men who
  abuse their girlfriends
• The more signs a person has the more likely that
  they will become physically abusive
• The last four signs are almost always seen only
  if the person is a batterer

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
4
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Some young women may be flattered by some of
  these behaviors at first.
• As time goes on, the behaviors become more severe
  and dominate the womans life.
• Early in the relationship the batterer will try
  to explain the behaviors as signs of his love or
  concern.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
5
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Jealousy
• Jealousy is not love its a sign of insecurity
  possessiveness
• 1) He questions you about who you talk to
• 2) He accuses you of flirting
• 3) He is jealous of the time you spend with
  family,
• friends, or in activities
• An abuser will always say that his jealousy is a
  sign of his love. Later he may drop by
  unexpectedly or have friends watch you.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
6
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Controlling Behavior
• Controlling behavior is not loving concern it is
  a sign of a need for power
• 1) He is angry if you are late to meet him.
• 2) If you cant see him when he wants, he may
  question you closely about your plans and who you
  will be with.
• 3) He may try to influence your choices about
  school, clothing, or church.
• An abuser will say he behaves this way because he
  is concerned for your safety. Later he may act
  like he wants to own you.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
7
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Quick Involvement
• Quick Involvement is not falling in love it is a
  way to sweep in and take control
• 1) An abuser will push quickly for an exclusive
  relationship and/or a physical relationship.
• 2) Youre the only person I could ever talk to
  , Ive never felt loved like this by anyone.
• An abuser will say he behaves this way because he
  is madly in love with you and you are destined to
  be together.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
8
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Unrealistic Expectations
• Unrealistic Expectations are not love They are
  a way to manipulate and confuse.
• He will expect you to be the perfect
• girlfriend, lover, friend, and mother.
• 2) He will expect you to take care of everything
  emotionally and meet all of his needs.
• 3) If we are in love, Im all you need-youre
  all I need.
• An abuser will say he behaves this way because he
  needs you and you need him.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
9
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Isolation
• Isolation is not wanting to be with you because
  of love It is a way to remove you from support.
• He may say that if you have male friend you are a
  slut, if you have female friend you are a
  lesbian.
• 2) He may say that if you are close to your
  family youre a daddys girl or not
  independent.
• 3) Anyone who is concerned about your
  relationship will be called crazy or he will
  accuse them of trying to cause trouble or break
  you apart.
• An abuser will say he behave this way because no
  one else cares about you but him and he is all
  you need.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
10
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Blames Others For His Problems
• This is not love. This is a way to explain away
  his behaviors and control the relationship.
• If he does poorly in school, loses a job, or has
  trouble at home, someone is doing him wrong or
  is out to get him.
• 2) If anything goes wrong he will blame it on
  you or your friends and family.
• An abuser will say he behaves this way because
  others are out to get him or he cant catch a
  break.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
11
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Blames Others For His Feelings
• This is not love. This is a way to explain away
  his behaviors and control the relationship.
• You make me mad.
• Youre hurting me by not doing what I ask.
• I cant help being angry.
• I didnt want to hurt you, but you make me so
  crazy.
• An abuser will say he behaves this way because of
  something you did. It is your fault.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
12
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Hypersensitivity
• Hypersensitivity is not passionate love. This is
  a way to manipulate the relationship.
• An abuser will say his feelings are hurt when
  he is really very angry.
• He is easily insulted.
• He will complain about things that are a part of
  life, like turning homework in on time, getting a
  ticket, or being asked to do chores.
• An abuser will say he behaves this way because
  life is not fair or is out to get him.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
13
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Cruelty to Animals or Children
• An abuser will tease children or younger brothers
  and sisters until they cry.
• He will punish animals brutally or will not care
  about their pain or suffering.
• 60 of men who beat their female partners also
  beat their children.
• An abuser will down play this behavior or say
  that the child or animal deserved it because of
  something they did.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
14
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Playful Use of Force During Sex
• An abuser will show little concern about whether
  you wants to have sex and sulk or use anger to
  manipulate you into sex.
• He may like to throw you down or hold you down
  during kissing or sex.
• He may talk of fantasies about rape or you being
  helpless.
• An abuser will say all guys behave this way and
  think about girls and sex this way.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
15
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Verbal Abuse
• An abuser will degrade, curse, and run you down.
• He will try to make you believe that you are
  stupid and cant make it without him.
• He will rarely use your name but will call you a
  degrading nickname.
• An abuser will say all guys behave this way and
  think about girls this way.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
16
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Rigid Gender Roles
• An abuser will expects a girlfriend to serve him.
• He may say you must meet his needs and obey him
  in all things.
• An abuser will see women as inferior to men, less
  intelligent, and unable to be a complete person
  without a relationship.
• An abuser will say all guys behave this way and
  think about girls this way.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
17
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Personality
• An abuser may have sudden mood changes, one
  minute nice and then suddenly exploding.
• Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men
  who abuse their partners.
• An abuser will say all guys behave this way, that
  he is passionate about his love, or that you make
  him crazy.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
18
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Past Battering
• An abuser may say he hit girlfriends in the past,
  but that they made him do it.
• The young girl may hear from friends or family
  that the man is abusive.
• A batterer will beat any woman he is with
  circumstances and situations do not make an
  abusive personality.
• An abuser will say all guys behave this way or
  that the girl had it coming or made him do it.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
19
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Threats of Violence
• This is any threat of physical force meant to
  control you.
• Ill slap that look off your face, Ill break
  your neck, Ill kill you .
• An abuser will say all guys behave this way or
  that everyone talks like that.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
20
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Breaking or Striking Objects
• This behavior is used to punish (breaking
  cherished possessions) and to terrorize you into
  submission.
• He may beat on the table, wall, or locker and may
  throw things around you.
• He may say, See, I hit the wall, not you. Dont
  make me hurt you. This is an implied threat.
• An abuser will say all guys behave this way, that
  he just lost his head, or you brought it on by
  something you did.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
21
17 Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

• Any Force During an Argument
• This may involve holding you down, physically
  restraining you from leaving, as well as pushing
  or shoving you.
• He may hold you against the wall and say, Youre
  going to listen to me.
• An abuser will say all guys behave this way, that
  he just lost his head, or you brought it on by
  something you did.

From Dating Violence An Anti-Victimization
Program Texas Council on Family Violence
Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Inc. [phone]
22
Mixed Messages
Love Jealousy Concern Control Passion
Violence Respect Fear
23
Mixed Messages

• The act of love is to say,
• I want you to be who you are.
• The act of abuse is to say,
• I want you to be
• What I you to be.
• It is that simple.

24
What Do You Do If You Are In An Abusive
Relationship?

• Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a
  clergyman, or someone you trust who can help. The
  more isolated you are from friends and family,
  the more control the abuser has over you.
• Alert the school counselor or security officer.
• Keep a daily log of the abuse.
• Do not meet your partner alone. Do not let him or
  her in your home or car when you are alone.
• Avoid being alone at school, your job, on the way
  to and from places.
• Tell someone where you are going and when you
  plan to be back.
• Plan and rehearse what you would do if your
  partner became abusive.
• Let a teacher or counselor know about the abuse.
• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
• (1-800-799-SAFE) for advice.

25
What Do You Do If Someone You Know Is In An
Abusive Relationship?

• If a friend tells you he or she is being
  victimized, here are some suggestions on how you
  can help.
• If you notice a friend is in an abusive
  relationship, don't ignore signs of abuse. Talk
  to your friend.
• Express your concerns. Tell your friend you're
  worried. Support, don't judge.
• Point out your friend's strengths - many people
  in abusive relationships are no longer capable of
  seeing their own abilities and gifts.
• Encourage them to confide in a trusted adult.
  Talk to a trusted adult if you believe the
  situation is getting worse. Offer to go with them
  for help.
• Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with
  the victim's partner. Don't be a mediator.
• Call the police if you witness an assault. Tell
  an adult - a school principal, parent, guidance
  counselor.
• Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
  (1-800-799-SAFE) for advice.

26
Real Love

• Cares for Others
• Stands Firm During Trouble
• Is Kind
• Always Hopes
• Does not Brag
• Protects
• Is Polite

• Is Patient
• Has Self Control
• Is Not Jealous
• Keeps no Record of Wrongs
• Is Not Evil
• Always Trusts
• Is Not Proud

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Is It Love Or Is It Abuse?

• Presented By
• Rod Pruitt
• Title IV Consultant
• Region 14 ESC
• 325-675-8646
• rpruitt_at_esc14.net
• Paid For by Title IV SSA Funds