Chapter the Twelfth

1
Chapter the Twelfth

• In Which Our Tale is Told Once More With
  Illustrations

By Micah Morgansbane
2
Heres our favorite Heroes, once more prepared to
face the perfidious villainy of the Thing That
Sucks The Most.
3
Speak of the Devil
Theres the Thing now with the Rhino King and his
Troupe of Gay Minions!
4
And so it came to pass that in the twenty-third
year of his reign, the Good King Sean declared
there would be a Great Tournament to celebrate
the prosperity of the Kingdom of Straightness. He
sent heralds all throughout the land announcing
the tourney and its prize the Tower of
Stolichnaya. In particular he invited those
mighty Heroes of his realm to attend Micah
Morgansbane, Sasha Stolibane, Nikolai the Bomb,
and Brendan the Journeyman. These four tourneying
Heroes gathered up their kits and set out
immediately for the tourney. The Masked Welshman
and Drew the Saracen accompanied them.
Little did they suspect that faggotry was right
on their tail!
5
Our Heroes managed to arrive in good order
without being molested along the road. When they
reached Castle Connery, Fly King Sean was there
to meet them himself. He greeted the Heroes and
bade them enter and join him in a pre-tourney
revel. Within the castle walls the Heroes could
see an abundance of assorted kegs and tables
laden with spirits and Subway sandwiches. They
hurriedly followed the King and ate heartily and
enjoyed the Kings amusements of the evening.
6
On the next day the tourney was opened amid great
ceremony. King Sean had declared that the tourney
would consist of a pass of lances and combat on
foot, to be finished by a grande melee in the
ancient fashion. Everyone present declared this
to be a fine idea. The first combat was announced
by the somewhat fey-yet-still-kinda-straight
herald. Sir Sasha Stolibane to face Sir Ryu
Amushigaro! In a thunder of hooves, Sasha and
the mostly-fey Japanese rushed together. They met
with a mighty crash and Sir Ryu was thrown from
his saddle as Sashas lance exploded into
splinters. Sasha leaped from his horse and took
up his pole-axe. The samurai drew a katana. It
took only seconds for Sasha to overpower the
Japanese. The mostly-fey herald declared victory
for Sasha Stolibane, and there was a great cheer
from the ladies in the gallery.
7
And then it came Brendans turn to joust against
Sir Guy of Flanders, who though Belgian was
permitted to join his majestys tournament. On
the first pass, neither man scored a hit on the
second pass Brendan unseated his opponent. Sir
Guy leapt to his feet and drew his sword. Brendan
met him on foot and struck his helm a sound blow
with his great mace. Then Sir Guy yielded
himself. Victory was given to Brendan the
Journeyman, with much cheering from the watching
damsels.
The next to joust was Sir Micah Morgansbane. His
opponent was a disguised knight who called
himself Sir Onihr. He had a grim countenance and
a sinister manner about him. Micah climbed into
his saddle and couched his lance unworriedly
though. He grinned as he clapped shut the visor
of his helm.
8
Micah gave his war-cry and spurred his horse. The
mysterious Sir Onihr did likewise and they rushed
toward one another. At the last second Sir Onihr
shifted the point of his lance and the
steel-tipped shaft plunged into the breast of
Micahs warhorse! The noble animal collapsed,
throwing Micah from the saddle. Sir Onihr rode
past and grabbed another lance from his squire.
The sorta-fey herald gave a little screamlet and
shrilled, Thir Onihr ith dithqualified for
unthivalrouth conduct!
However, he continued, there mutht thtill be a
combat on foot to finith the round! Thomeone
mutht thtand in plathe of Thir Onihr and altho
it theems for Thir Micah Morganthbane. The
Masked Welshman, who was tending his friend,
stepped forward. Llywdd! Qwylldd! he cried,
lifting Micahs breastplate over his head. He
says hell fight the combat, Brendan translated
for anyone who missed the gesture. So the
Welshman was armed and prepared to fight. A dark
knight garbed all in black silently accepted Sir
Onihrs place in the lists.
9
They made ready to fight. Though he strove to
best the black knight, the Masked Welshman
quickly found himself being beaten. He briefly
considered using the Llap-Goch technique known in
English as The Flattened Leek but rejected the
idea just as quickly. Welsh martial arts had no
place in a tournament fought under the Rule of
Chivalry. The black knight pressed him harder
and smote him to the ground. Dazed, the Welshman
saw the black knight beside him invert his sword.
The bugger was going to stab the Welshman through
the eye-slot! Quickly the Welshman called out,
Clwydd! Clwydd! and tossed aside his sword,
indicating that he yielded. But the black knight
did not turn from his murderous course. A deep,
echoing laugh came from inside the helm. The
visor flipped open to reveal the hideous and
loathed visage of BILLY GRAHAM! From the gallery
there was a chorus of shrieks as the ladies
realized what was before them. The Thing That
Sucks the Most raised its sword and prepared to
finish off the Masked Welshman!
10
But then from the side of the field, over the
shrieks of the ladies (and the screamlets of the
still-straight-but-awfully-fey herald) came a
bulls bellow of rage. Nikolai the Bomb charged
onto the field with his axe raised and slammed
full speed into the Thing. The Demon Prince of
Faggotry was bowled aside like a dwarf in an
Aussie pub.
King Sean grabbed his sword, bellowed for his
Royal Guard. The very straight Royal Guard rushed
to the defense of their monarch. Disciplined
troops formed a mighty shield-wall and advanced
on the ranks of Gay Minions pouring through the
castles gates. The Champions of Straightness
arrayed themselves for battle. Their war-cry rang
across the field TITTIES!
Sir Onihr sat his horse once more, this time
revealed to be the Rhino King! A legion of Gay
Minions poured onto the tourney field. Drew the
Saracen quickly snatched up the pair of pistols
the Masked Welshman had laid aside. He aimed and
fired at the Rhino King upon his horse. The
bullets flew true to their mark and blasted the
hook-nosed villain from his mount.
11
It seemed that all might be lost for sure. The
Troupe of Gay Minions was within yards of the
Heroes who grimly waited for the inevitable rush
of faggotry. They clutched weapons grimly, they
stared ahead grimly, and they grimaced
grimly. But then there came a blinding flash of
light from behind the last ranks of the Guards. A
streak of light flew across the field. Micah
turned in his saddle and saw Drew waving his
hands, directing the light. The Saracen had
called upon his mystic powers to save the day!
Battle raged across the tourney field. The Masked
Welshman took a company of Kings Guardsmen and
led the foot against the Troupe of Gay
Minions. The mounted Heroes followed King Sean in
charge after charge through the seemingly endless
ranks of the enemy. They tried again and again to
reach the Rhino King and the Thing, but always
the Gay Minions would wall off their attack
route. Guardsmen were being cut down in spite of
their valiant fighting. Gay Minions pressed in on
the Heroes, intent on doing them ill.
12
Drews fireball struck the Troupe of Gay Minions
in dead center. Straightness from the elemental
source of all Straightness, SUBWAY, exploded
amidst the Army of Ass-bandits. Minions and
pieces of minions were hurled across the
countryside.
The Rhino King was picked up by the blast and
flung far away from Castle Connery. Some crofters
reported seeing a very ugly fellow crawl out of
a bog a few days later. And the manifestation of
Billy Graham was blown into nothingness by the
Fireball of Straightness.
13
Good King Sean rewarded the Heroes with many
fabulous treasures from his vaults. And he held a
great feast to commemorate the victory over Stuff
That Sucks. But before any of these things
occurred, the still-believably-straight-but-oh-so-
fey herald (who, if he wasnt a Lego man would
probably be played by St. Scott Thompson) did a
little dance and proclaimed Drew the Saracen as
winner of the Great Tournament. King Sean awarded
Drew with the Tower of Stolichnaya. A messenger
was sent to the Heroes Fortress of Straightness
to summon the WHACs to the Tower for one of the
greatest victory bashes ever seen in the Known
World.
14
The Heroes
Drew the Saracen
Micah M0rgansbane
The Masked Welshman
Nikolai the Bomb
Sasha Stolibane
Brendan the Journeyman
To be continued of course.