Language Review 2

1
Language Review (2)

• 2004 Spring

2
Outline Error Types

• Usage, Word Form Verb Tense
• Sentence Construction
• Logic, Idea Development Paragraphing
• Thesis Statement and Conclusion
• Not Discussed a lot today
• -- Style e.g. Precision and conciseness (one
  example of wordiness)
• -- -- Paragraphing and Structure (one example
  of paragraphing)

3
(1-1) Usage, redundancy

• I am firmly believed that these fashion magazines
  should take part of responsibilities.
• ? I firmly believe (am firmly convinced) that
  these fashion magazines should take part of
  responsibilities.
• always cannot ? can never . . .
• (red) According to the Principles of Marketing,
  it writes that every year . . .

4
(1-2) Usage Compare

• Original An extreme case is that the youth hate
  their own identity and culture because they feel
  Taiwan is no compare with Japan."
• Your revision
• -- "because they feel that Taiwan cannot compare
  with Japan."
• -- "because they feel that Taiwan has no compare
  (?) with Japan.
• My Suggestion An extreme case is that some
  youngsters hate their own identities and culture
  because they feel that Taiwan bears no
  comparison with Japan."

5
(1-3) Preposition SC

• An elder woman who wears in ltVgtcolorful clothes
  standing in front ltprep? gt a wall and saying some
  well-known English brands. Can you recall any one
  of the brands that the excited grandmother
  saidltVgt? Yes, one of it ltpronoungt is Nike!
• Revision An old woman in colorful clothes stands
  in front of a wall and says the names of some
  well-known English brands. Can you recall any one
  of the brands that the excited grandmother say?
  Yes, one of them is Nike!

6
(1-4) Word Form Agreement

• 1. In this advertisement, a naked woman closes
  her eyes and ready to be kissed by a man. We can
  only see half of the man and the womans bodies
  but it enable us to detect their facial
  expression narrowly.
• Your Revision? In this advertisement, a naked
  woman closes her eyes and is ready to be kissed
  by a man. We can only see half of the man and the
  womans bodies but we are capable to detect their
  facial expression in the picture narrowly.

7
(1-4.2) And parallelism

• My Suggestion
• In this advertisement, a naked woman, with her
  eyes closed, seems ready to be kissed by a man.
  The camera allows us to see only part of the
  mans and the womans bodies, and also to somehow
  detect their facial expressions.

8
(1-5) Word forms Preposition

• Original She has strong desire of falling in
  love. However, because of her appearance of
  independence, well-educated and well-paid, men
  assume that she is a woman that doesnt want to
  love and taken good care by others.
• Your Revision She has strong desire of falling
  in love. However, because of her appearance of
  independence resulting from her good education
  and high salary, men assume that she doesnt need
  to love or be taken care (of) by others. (awk)
• My Suggestion She has a strong desire for love.
  However, in mens eyes, she doesnt seem to need
  the love and care from others, because she looks
  independent, well-educated and well-paid.
• e.g. the desire of the Hongkong people for more
  democracy

9
(1-6) Word choice and Clear Expression

• AmbiguityPeople will have mutuality (Chinese
  exp?) when seeing the character face to the
  similar task and observe the method that the
  character deals with. Your Revision People/
  Audiences will associate their experience or
  feelings with the character who is facing the
  similar task in life as they do (are), and they
  may also discover the solution from watching the
  Trendy Drama. (correct but a bit wordy) 
• My suggestion  The audience can relate to itand
  even learn from it--when seeing the character in
  a similar situation or with a similar task.   

10
(1-7) Tense

• Original On my way to Dashi, I cant help
  guessing what it would be like after these years.
  It is odd when you allow your mind to return to
  the past, you recall so many memories. In Dashi,
  what impressed me most are the Old Street.
  Because my elementary school is near the Old
  Street, I spent most of my childhood on the Old
  Street. Fortunately, due to Salinas historic
  interest report, we spent most of the time on the
  Old Street. After visiting the Old Street, my
  friend said, To my surprise, Dashi is quite
  prosperous. It has been a worthwhile trip. I
  just laughed it off without gibing any comment
  because the strange feelings of being a visitor
  choked me. I had lost my speaking ability.

11
(1-7) Tense (2)

• Your Revision On my way to Dashi, I couldnt
  help guessing what it would be like after these
  years. I allowed my mind to return to the past
  and recalled so many memories. What impressed me
  most in Dashi was Old Street, where I had spent
  most time in my childhood on (most of my
  childhood omit on ) because my elementary
  school was near it. And due to Salinas historic
  interest report, I could have a chance to spend
  most time on visiting it again with her. After
  visiting Old Street, my friend said, To my
  surprise, Dashi is quite prosperous. It is a
  worthwhile trip. I just laughed it off without
  making any comment because the strange feelings
  of being a visitor chocked me. And I lost my
  speaking ability. (not necessary)

12
(1-8) Verb Tense, Agreement and Pronoun

• Original The refurbishment of the Old Street
  changed the appearance of some buildings whose
  archway had already collapsed. Yet, it makes the
  new Old Street looks(V agr) like a fake art. A
  fake work is similar to the original art, but it
  is impossible for an artist (s/p shift in
  person)to imitate the feeling of a great piece of
  art. Therefore, though the new Old Street is
  better-looking, it is harder to evoke the felling
  (sp spelling)of the antiquity.
• Your Revision The refurbishment of Old Street
  changed the appearance of some buildings whose
  archway had already collapsed were located in the
  Old Street. Yet, it makes the new Old Street
  look like a fake art, which is similar to the
  original one is in lack of the feelings of a
  great piece of art. Therefore, thought the new
  Old Street is better-looking, it is harder to
  evoke the feeling of antiquity than original
  one. (SC problems ? next page)

13
(1-8.2) Tense, SC Details

• Tense (When commenting on a present issue in a
  narrative essay which uses the past tense, the
  writer can choose to use either the present or
  the past. Id prefer to use the present.)
• My Suggestion The refurbishment of Old Street
  has changed the appearance of some buildings
  whose archway had already collapsed. The archway
  is now easier to stroll in, with more stores, and
  definitely more colorful signs and sights. Yet,
  it makes the new Old Street look like a fake
  art, which looks similar to the original one
  but lacks its spirit of kindness and simplicity.
  Therefore, though the new Old Street is
  better-looking, it cannot evoke our sense of a
  past which can never be re-gained.

Present ????, ????
Past ????
(source http//dvcga.com.tw/newold/backtosee.htm
14
(1-9) Usage, Word Form Verb Tense

• Original In the case of flower comparison (red),
  women have always been similized to the flower as
  the symbols of beauty and elegance. Woman smiles
  as flowers blossom, shies (word form) as flower
  bud, smells as flower fragrance. There is a
  delicate relationship between woman and flower.
  Womens appearances are identified though the
  colorful, tender, fresh looking of the flower.
  ltgapgt Wang Xiao-Huis photos has sprang out of
  the surfaced identification to the underneath
  symbolic meanings of female body and female
  sexual organs. The flower images are divided into
  three categories as her deconstruction on female
  body figure image, outer genital image, and
  inner genital image.

15
(1-9.2) Smoothing the syntax

• Your Revision Women have always been compared to
  flowers as the symbol of beauty and elegance.
  Womens smiles are/can be comely as blossomy
  flowers, bashful as nascent flower buds, and
  aromatic/radiant as the fragrant flowers (in full
  bloom). Womens appearances are identified with
  the flower through its color, softness, and
  beauty. Thus, a delicate and close relationship
  between women and flowers has been established.
  Wang Xiao-Hui, who pushes the limits further and
  broader, takes pictures that have sprang out of
  the surfaced likeness to the underneath symbolic
  meanings of female body and female sexual organs.
  The flower images of her works can be divided
  into three categories according to her
  deconstruction of female body figure image,
  outer genital image, and inner genital image.

16
(1-9.3) Usage, Word Form Verb Tense

• Suggestion Women have always been compared to
  flower as a symbol of beauty and elegance. In
  literature and art works, a young and coy woman
  reveals her beauty as a flower buds. Once she
  emits a radiant smile, she is like a blooming
  flower sending forth its fragrance. Womens
  bodies, likewise, are compared to the colors,
  texture and tenderness of flowers her fair
  complexion is lily-white her lips and skin are
  petal-soft her figures, curvy like tulips, her
  feet, tiny like water liies, and her movements,
  of course, delicate and swaying like daffodils in
  the wind. To challenge these superficial
  idealizations and objectifications of women, Wang
  Xiao-Huis photos explore the meanings of female
  body and sexuality through the flower images.
  Instead of being merely beautiful and tender, her
  flower images are identified with either a
  womans whole body, her outer genital, or inner
  genital.

17
(2-1) SC Sentence Construction

• Original Like typhoon, it rained heavily. My
  shoes were almost wet through after I stepped out
  .Mom took us and walked in the streets. Like what
  we did, people on the streets held their
  umbrellas tightly prevented from getting wet.
  (Two verbs) . . . After walking for short
  distance, I was almost soaked up. But the rain
  seemed to be heavier my sight became bleary and
  (who?) couldnt see the road in front clearly.
  Although it was summer, I felt so cold when the
  wind was blowing.

18
(2-1.2) SC Sentence Construction

• Your Revision Like typhoon, it rained heavily.
  My shoes were almost wet through after when I
  stepped out .Mom took us and walked in the
  streets. Like what we did, people on the streets
  held their umbrellas tightly to prevent from
  getting wet. . . . After walking for a short
  distance, I was almost soaked up. But the rain
  seemed to be heavier my sight became bleary and
  I couldnt see the road in front of me clearly.
  Although it was summer, I felt so cold when the
  wind was blowing.

19
(2-1.3) SC Sentence Construction

• My Suggestion Like typhoon, it rained heavily.
  My shoes were almost wet through the moment I
  stepped out of my house. Mom took us and walked
  in the streets. The people on the streets held
  their umbrellas tightly against the wind to avoid
  getting wet. . . . After walking for a short
  distance, I was almost soaked up. But the rain
  seemed to be heavier my sight became bleary and
  I couldnt see the road in front of me clearly.
  Although it was summer, I felt cold in all the
  windy and dreary weather.

20
(2-2) SC Sentence Construction Tense

• Original Could you please stop talking loudly
  in public? that is my friend who cannot tolerate
  anymore for there are two senior high school
  students keep speaking loudly when we are on the
  bus. In fact, I cannot tolerate (vt), either, but
  I just hid my true feeling until my friend speaks
  out. I am shocked and feel a little embarrassed.
  I push my friends hand and ask her to stop
  talking like that. Though everyone on the bus is
  looking at us, my friends words still strike me
  and let me think clearly that so I really want to
  endure such impoliteness? I recognize that I am
  the one who always try to avoid the trouble. How
  can people understand that they are annoying you
  while you never express your feeling?

21
(2-2.2) SC Sentence Construction

• Revision Though everyone on the bus was looking
  at us, the words spoken by my brave friend still
  shocked me and made me wonder if I really wanted
  to endure such annoyance.

22
(2-2.3) SC Sentence Construction

• My Suggestion Could you please stop talking
  so loudly in public? said my friend after she
  could not tolerate anymore the noises made by two
  senior high school students on the bus. In fact,
  I found the noises unbearable, too, but I just
  kept quiet. Shocked and a bit embarrassed by my
  friend, I pushed my friends hand to ask her to
  stop (talking like that). As everyone else on the
  bus kept on looking at us, however, I suddenly
  started to wonder if I wanted to be a dumb and
  passive receiver of the things disagreeable or
  unreasonable around me. Unlike my friend, I am
  the one that always tries to avoid troubles. But
  will silence reduce troubles or solve problems?
  How can people know that they are annoying me if
  I do not express my feelings?

23
(2-3) SC Sentence Construction

• Original According to ABC news, in 1988, Ben
  Johnson, who was a Canadian sprinter, used banned
  steroids, he was deprived of the gold medal at
  the Seoul Olympics (Olympic Athletes Doping
  Despite IOC Crackdown).
• Revision According to ABC news, in 1988, Ben
  Johnson, who was a Canadian sprinter, used banned
  steroids and was deprived of the gold medal at
  the Seoul Olympics (Olympic Athletes Doping
  Despite IOC Crackdown).

24
(2-3) SC Sentence Construction

• My Suggestion In 1988, the world-famous Canadian
  sprinter Ben Johnson was found to have used
  steroids, and then he was deprived of the gold
  medal he won at the Seoul Olympics (Olympic
  Athletes Doping Despite IOC Crackdown). (ABC
  news Site moved to Work Cited)

25
(2-4) SC Sentence Construction(non/restrictive
clauses)

• Original I am going to find out the reason why
  (red) Stojakovic whose devotion to playing in the
  NBA is less than Divacs can be more popular than
  Divac.
• Revision I am going to find out why Strojakvoic,
  whose devotion to playing in the NBA is less than
  Diavic, can be more popular than Divac.
  (Non-Restrictive Clause)

suggestion
26
(2-4) SC Sentence Construction

• My Suggestion I am going to find out why
  Stojakovic, who is less devoted to playing in the
  NBA than Divac, gets to be more popular than the
  latter.

27
(2-5) SC Sentence Construction (non/restrictive
clauses Wdy)

• Original In this way, we can see that they are
  loyal to their country because unlike some NBA
  superstars, who didnt join their national team
  to compete with other countries in this World
  Championship, they joined their own national team
  to play in this competition though they are
  making their living in the NBA.
• Revision Unlike other NBA superstars, who didnt
  join their national teams to compete with other
  countries in the World Championship, Vlade Divac
  and Predrag Stojakvoic, though they also make
  their living in the NBA, both joined their
  national team to earn the honor in this
  competition.

suggestion
28
(2-5) SC Sentence Construction (non/restrictive
clauses Wdy)

• My Suggestion Unlike some other NBA superstars
  who do not join their national teams to compete
  with the other countries in this World
  Championship(?), they serve their country by
  playing for the national team, apart from making
  their living in the NBA.

29
(2-6) SC Sentence Construction (non/restrictive
clauses)

• Original In this way, we can see that they are
  loyal to their country because unlike some NBA
  superstars, who didnt join their national team
  to compete with other countries in this World
  Championship, they joined their own national team
  to play in this competition though they are
  making their living in the NBA.
• Revision Unlike other NBA superstars, who didnt
  join their national teams to compete with other
  countries in the World Championship, Vlade Divac
  and Predrag Stojakvoic, though they also make
  their living in the NBA, both joined their
  national team to earn the honor in this
  competition.

suggestion
30
(2-7) Usage (wordiness)

• Original As far as the foreign players are
  concerned, Vlade Divac and Predrag Stojakovic are
  the most famous of all the foreign players in the
  29 NBA teams because they had helped the
  Sacramento Kings, which they both played in, make
  the best performance last regular-season.
• Revision As far as those foreign players in the
  NBA are concerned, Vlade Divac and Predrag
  Stojakvoic are the most famous ones among others
  in the 29 NBA teams, because they had helped the
  Sacramento Kings, which both of them played in,
  make the outstanding performance last
  regular-season.

note
31
(2-7) Usage (wordiness)

• My Suggestion As foreign players, Vlade Divac
  and Predrag Stojakovic are the most famous of all
  in the 29 NBA teams because they had helped the
  Sacramento Kings, which they both played in, make
  the best performance last regular-season.
• examples
• She has worked as an estate agent among other
  things ( as well as other things).
• We felt pretty safe as far as the fire was
  concerned. (With regard to)
• As far as I'm concerned, it's a mistake. (In
  my opinion)

32
(2-8) SC Sentence Construction

• Original Plus the dramatic change in fashion
  world, which leads contemporary body piercing to
  a new level, piercing is under more pressure than
  ever. vague. . . In this way, piercing becomes
  a sign of fashion to the public, which can be
  more accepted at the same time. People can be
  blind to its significance.
• Revision In addition to the dramatic change in
  the fashionable world, which leads contemporary
  body piercing to a new level, body piercing has
  been under more pressures than ever.

suggestion
33
(2-8.2) Usage Plus and also, (prep), (conj.) N

• There will be two adults travelling, plus three
  children.
• INFORMAL Let's not go on holiday in August -
  it'll be too hot - plus it'll be more expensive.
  (source Cambridge Dictionary http//dictionary.ca
  mbridge.org/ )
• The plaintiff demanded US30,000 (HK231,840) as
  compensation for Mr Ho's death and Ms Wong's
  injuries plus 140,000 yuan (HK197,960) for
  medical and other expenses. The defendant said it
  was up to the court to decide on compensation.
  (source Hong Kong Virtual Language Centre
  http//vlc.polyu.edu.hk/ )

34
(2-8.3) Revision for Clarification and Logic

• Peer pressure. Another ambiguous source of
  influence on teenagers is the fashion world,
  which has included body as a sign of the
  fashionable. vague. . . In this way,
  piercing has become, on the one hand, a sign of
  coolness or sexiness more acceptable to the
  public. On the other, however, it may lose in
  general reception its original personal
  significance in marking self-identity and
  important transitions in life.
• (e.g. Fashion world mourns the loss of a prince.
  News title. In the article, the fashion
  world.)

35
(2-9) SC Sentence Construction

• Original According to one online article, the
  wrong value of appearance is everything and the
  society expectation that man is the center of
  the world are the main ideas of fashion
  magazines that are criticized a lot. (Chen Shu
  Pin) we know that nowadays, women care about
  their appearances more and more some young women
  even become materialized.

36
(2-9) SC Sentence Construction

• Your Revision (1) ? The wrong value of
  appearance is everything and the society
  expectation that man is the center of the world
  are the main ideas of fashion magazines that are
  criticized a lot. (Chen Shu Pin) According to
  this statement, we know that nowadays, women care
  about their appearances more and more than times
  before, and some young women even become
  materialized.

37
(2-9.2) SC Sentence Construction

• Your Revision (2) ? The wrong value of
  appearance is everything and the society
  expectation that man is the center of the world
  are the main ideas of fashion magazines that are
  criticized a lot.  We know that nowadays, women
  care about their appearances more and more some
  young women even become materialized.
  (??????????????????????????????,???????????? )

38
(2-9.3) SC Sentence Construction Translation

• My Suggestion ? Fashion magazines tend to be
  filled with the wrong concepts of appearance is
  everything and man is the center of the world,
  which get them criticized a by some feminists.
  (Chen Shu Pin) What is worse, to make
  themselves beautiful, some women also become
  materialistic. (??????????????????????????????,???
  ????????? )

39
(3-1) Problems?

• Fortunately, the science triumph gives us modern
  people the opportunity to relish longer life span
  on the planet nonetheless, the increased
  longevity has a considerable impact on our
  health. (Gap) When it comes to ageing (aging or
  ageing ), we usually associate it with physical
  constraints, and with the change of organ
  functioning that reduces efficiency in our ageing
  body ?Gormly and Brodzinsky 546?.For instance,
  our hair becomes gray and sparse, skin loses
  elasticity, and immune system invisibly ceases to
  operate day by day. (wc gap) Mark Novak noted
  that Current long life may mean more years of
  disability for us ?119?.Therefore, although we
  all are going to experience age-related physical
  change, the serious impact lies in the fact that
  we will suffer more from biological aging because
  our aging is lengthened. (logic SC)

40
(3-1.2) Problems? Logic Paragraph Cohesiveness

• My Suggestions Another problem in aging is the
  physical discomforts and illnesses that come with
  aging.(topic s.) Apparently, the scientific
  advancements in medicine and health care give us
  modern people the opportunity to relish longer
  life span. The increased longevity, nonetheless,
  may not be a blessing, since the physical
  consequences of aging, such as the constraint,
  reduction and loss of organ functions?Gormly and
  Brodzinsky 546?, will still happen. For
  instance, as we live longer, our hair may become
  grayer and sparser, our skin drier and laxer, and
  our immune system, deteriorating and having more
  holes day by day. No wonder Mark Novak notes
  that current long life may mean more years of
  disability for us ?119?. Therefore, despite the
  health we enjoy and the care we take of our
  bodies, we will need to see physical discomforts
  as an inevitable fact of life in aging. (wrap up
  the ideas.)

41
(3-2) Logic, Idea Development Paragraphing

• Original Indeed, 90 of audiences (where? Whose
  survey?) watch Japanese Dramas because of actors
  and actresses. It means that protagonists have
  high value in the drama. Take Love Revolution for
  example, Esumi Makiko and Fujiki Naohito are
  popular in Japan and Taiwan. Based on his
  good-looking and elegant attitude, Fujiki Naohito
  already becomes the Prince Charming in many
  womens mind. Shuka Eichiro, presented by Fujiki,
  is an image of danger and attraction. Pursuing
  women for him is hunting. As a journalist, he
  well-used his appearance and gets an exclusive
  news report from the target he sets. Women are
  crazy about him, but also feel regret to fall in
  love with this person. In this way, audiences are
  waiting for a heroine to conquer the man. Here
  comes Asaoka Kyoko presented by Esumi. . . .
  (topic s? too long)

42
(3-2.2) Logic, Idea Development Paragraphing

• Your Revision As a journalist with deadly
  attractiveness to women (main idea), he uses his
  charm to snatch exclusive news. For him, having
  (a) relationship with women is just as (like--or
  omit) a process of hunting hunting for his own
  benefit only. With such a hearting breaking male
  protagonist and according to the drama formula
  (awk), audience are expecting for a heroine to
  conquer him. (When seeing such a heart-breaking
  male protagonist, the audience familiar with the
  formula of soap opera will expect to see a
  heroine to conquer him.)

43
(3-2.3) Logic, Idea Development Paragraphing

• My Suggestion Indeed, 90 of the audience in my
  survey watch Japanese Dramas for the actors and
  actresses, but they dont do it just for the
  beautiful appearances. Rather, they express
  their feelings about the social types these
  characters represent. (main idea) Take Love
  Revolution for example, Esumi Makiko and Fujiki
  Naohito are popular in Japan and Taiwan. With his
  handsome and elegant appearance, Fujiki Naohito
  already becomes the Prince Charming in many
  womens minds. When he plays the role of Shuka
  Eichiro, however, he represents both danger and
  attraction. He is a typical hunter in society,
  using his appearance to hunt for both exclusive
  news and the women he likes. The women in the
  soap opera are crazy about him, but they also
  regret falling in love with this person. The
  role of Asaoka Kyoko (played by Esumi), then,
  expresses some female audiences desire to
  conquer such a heart-breaker, and even to teach
  him a lesson.

44
(4-1) Thesis Statement

• Original Introduction of the papers structure
  Taking Nike, the biggest transnational sports
  company in America for example, has its
  successful ingredients to be one of the winners
  on global market (SC) however, it has been
  faulted for putting too much money in promotion
  but neglecting the workers rights. Thus, we
  consumers should not be fooled by their fancy and
  attractive commercial campaigns rather, we
  should be more concerned about the reality of
  sweatshops behind the cheerful and bright
  appearances of global enterprisesand show our
  sympathy for the labors all over the world. (All
  over the world? I thought sweatshops exist only
  in third world countries? Sympathy only?)

45
(4-1.2) Thesis Statement

• My Suggestion I will, therefore, prove that
  contributing to Nikes success as one of the
  biggest transnational sports company in the world
  are not only its ingenious promotion strategies
  but also its neglect of the workers rights.
  Thus, we consumers should not be fooled by the
  fancy and attractive commercial campaigns of
  global enterprises such as Nike rather, we
  should be wise consumers, attentive to the news
  about the reality of the companies sweatshops
  and making proper decision in every purchase we
  make.

46
(4-1.3) As a conclusion . . .

• My Personal Suggestion Nike, indeed, is only
  one of the examples of what multinational
  companies can do to third-world laborers. As
  consumers, therefore, we have to resist the
  seductiveness of their glamorous promotion, since
  their attraction has to be built with money,
  which they may have earned with exploitation of
  laborers. But how do we do it? How do we show our
  sympathy for the laborers all over the world? By
  refusing to buy Nike shoes? Maybe, since Nike is
  indeed a culprit. But how about Adidas, Disney
  and Coca Cola? One day Nike may get better, or
  another company may be doing something worse.
  The more important thing for each of us college
  students, I believe, is be a self-aware consumer
  and world citizen by increasing our knowledge of
  the world situations, by developing our sense of
  values in this increasingly interrelated world,
  and by acting on what we believe to be right at
  every moment.