How to get along with everyone

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How to get along with everyone

• By Kurt Shriner

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Features

• Overcoming your fear of everything
• Introductions, Salutations, etc., Part I
• Introductions, Salutations, etc., Part II
• Preparing for rejection
• Last resort the nuclear option

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Overcoming your fear of everything

• Sometimes we fear animals, other times humans.
  Try not to do this.
• Avoid being afraid of aliens. They dont exist,
  capice?
• I understand your fear of bidets. Theyre just
  freaky anyway.
• Youre hair will not fall out if you wash it.
• Girls already find you unattractive, staying
  inside wont help you.
• Back to the alien thing, they really, really
  dont exist. I think.
• The government is not spying on you. OK, they
  are, but theyre not interested in what you have
  to say because youre boring (which is why you
  are reading this self-help presentation in the
  first place)
• OK, so this alien thing. Im really not sure
  anymore. There might be a good chance.

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Introductions, Salutations, etc., Part I

• Most of the time, people dont like it when you
  refrain from speaking altogether. It is
  understandable if you talk too much, but practice
  a bit of restraint. It helps.
• Lots.
• To the right are some examples.

• Hi.
• Hello.
• Sup.
• Wie gehts.
• Fo shizzle my nizzle.
• So did you get a perfect score on your math quiz,
  too?

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That alien thing again

• Sorry, I really cant shake this thing. Youre
  fear of them just might be acceptable. Go ahead
  and put that foil hat back on. If the phone
  rings 1.5 times, run away and call the Mutual UFO
  Network (MUFON).

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Introductions, Salutations, etc., Part II

• Try to avoid the following things

• Im not bitter, just drunk.
• Im sorry, were you saying something?
• I read about people like you in my psych class.
• Sure, Ill listen to your meaningless babbling a
  while.
• Im sure that will go away in time (but will
  you?).
• So did you get a perfect score on your math quiz,
  too? Lets make out!

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Preparing for rejection

• Its perfectly normal.
• Its not you, its them.
• Maybe you should shower more.
• There are medications out there for halitosis.
• Wanna make out?

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Last resort the nuclear option

• Sometimes it takes a lot to be noticed. Its
  times like these when you need to dig into your
  emotional grab-bag and really let people know
  that youre emotionally unstable and require a
  personal crutch or youll crawl into a bottle and
  remain a recluse for the rest of your life.
• Some options are

• Take up drinking. When youre drunk, people
  dont notice as much that youre a loser.
• Take up smoking. Sometimes a little tar goes a
  long way to the doctor.
• Take off that foil hat until you get home.
• Pick on others less fortunate. Not quite sure
  why this works.
• When people start to make fun of you, join in and
  really emotionally cripple yourself. Its a
  hoot.
• Or, when they start to pick on you, jump on them
  and pound their faces in the ground. Youll gain
  street cred.