Chapter Eight

1
Chapter Eight

• Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

2
Love

• Exists in all cultures
• Exists in all ethnic groups
• Exists in all orientations
• Dual nature
• Feeling
• Activity

3
Communication

• Connects sexuality and intimacy
• Sexual communication is tied to sexual
  satisfaction
• Sexual communication is unique

4
Friendship and Love

• Friendship is a strong foundation for strong love
  relationships
• Difference between friends and lovers
• Marriage

5
Love and Sexuality

• Sexuality and love are intimately related in our
  culture
• Our language connects love and sex
• Sexual satisfaction is tied to relationship
  satisfaction
• Level of intimacy and relationship duration are
  correlated with the decision to engage in sexual
  activity
• Cultural environment and physical environment

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Sex Outside of Committed Relationships

• Young adult sex outside of marriage is now the
  norm
• Values in America have shifted
• Change is due to
• Contraception and abortion
• Redefined gender roles
• Alterations in demographics

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Men, Women, Sex, and Love

• Men separate sex and love more than women
• Heterosexual men
• Gay men
• Women value sex in the context of a relationship
• Lesbians share sex less than heterosexual couples
  of gay men

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Love Without Sex

• Celibacy or asexuality
• A purposeful choice rather than a sexual problem
• 4 men and 14 women
• Emphasis on friendship and other relationship
  qualities

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Styles of Love Lee

• Eros love of beauty
• Mania obsessive love
• Ludus playful love
• Storge companionate love
• Agape altruistic love
• Pragma practical love

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The Triangular Theory of Love

• Theory developed by Robert Sternberg
• Emphasizes the dynamic quality of love
  relationships

• Intimacy
• Passion Commitment

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The Components of Love Ten Signs of Intimacy

• Wanting to promote your partners welfare
• Feeling happiness with your partner
• Holding your partner in high regard
• Being able to count on your partner in time of
  need
• Being able to understand each other

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The Components of Love (cont.)

• Sharing yourself and your possessions with your
  partner
• Receiving emotional support from your partner
• Giving emotional support to your partner
• Being able to communicate with your partner about
  intimate things
• Valuing partners presence in your life

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Kinds of Love Sternberg

• Liking
• Intimacy only
• Infatuation
• Passion only
• Romantic Love
• Intimacy and passion
• Companionate Love
• Intimacy and commitment

• Fatuous Love
• Passion and commitment
• Consummate love
• Intimacy, passion, and commitment
• Empty love
• Commitment only
• Nonlove
• Absence of all three

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Infant-Caregiver Attachment

• Attachment
• Bond depends on attachment objects
  responsiveness
• Infant happier in attachment object presence
• Shares discoveries with attachment object. Coos,
  talks baby talk
• Feeling of oneness with attachment object

• Romantic love
• Feelings are related to lovers interest
• Happier when lover is present
• Shares experiences with lover
• Lovers coo, talk baby talk
• Feeling of oneness with lover

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Components of Attachment

• Attachment style endures across ones life
• Depends upon security and safety
• Open acceptance and honesty

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Types of Attachment

• Secure attachments
• Find it relatively easy to get close to other
  people
• Anxious/ambivalent attachment
• Believe that other people didnt get as close as
  they themselves wanted
• Avoidant attachments
• Feel discomfort being close to other people

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Unrequited Love

• Love is not returned
• Causes distress to all involved
• Perspectives differ between the people who offer
  love and those who do not reciprocate

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Jealousy

• Jealousy does not prove the existence of love
• Jealousy and love are not necessarily companions
• Jealousy is painful
• Jealousy can destroy or cement a relationship
• Jealously is linked to violence

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Jealousy

• Aversive response to a real or imagined
  involvement with a third person
• Painful experience
• Absence may indicate relationship problems
• Occurs where there are commitments in a
  relationship
• Men and women differ in reported attempts to make
  their partner jealous

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Managing Jealousy

• Jealousy can be unreasonable or realistic
• Dealing with irrational suspicions can be
  difficult
• Can work on underlying causes of our insecurity
• If jealousy is well-founded, relationship may
  need to be modified or ended
• Jealousy can be the catalyst for change

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Extramarital Sex

• Exists in dating, cohabiting, and marital
  relationships
• Extramarital sex in exclusive marriages is
  related to three factors
• Stronger sexual interests
• More permissive sexual values
• Greater sexual opportunities
• Weaker marital relationships

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Making Love Last From Passion to Intimacy

• Intimate love Each person knows they can count
  on the other
• Commitment Based on conscious choices rather
  than transitory feelings
• Caring Involves making another persons needs
  as important as your own
• Self-disclosure Revealing ourselvesour hopes,
  our fears, our everyday thoughts to deepen
  understanding and intimacy

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The Nature of Communication

• Communication a transactional process
• Involves conveying symbols, words, gestures,
  movements
• Goal of establishing human contact, exchanging
  information, and reinforcing or changing
  attitudes and behaviors

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Contexts of Communication

• Cultural context
• the language, values, beliefs, and customs in
  which communication takes place
• Social context
• the roles we play in society
• Psychological context
• how people communicate based on their
  personalities

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Nonverbal Communication

• The ability to correctly interpret nonverbal
  communication is important in relationships
• Most of our feeling communication is nonverbal
• 3 important factors
• Proximity nearness in physical space
• Eye contact a symbol of interest
• Touching signals intimacy, closeness

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Sexual Communication

• Our interpersonal sexual scripts provide us with
  instructions on how to behave sexually
• In beginning relationships
• Halo effect
• Interest and opening lines
• In some cases establishing sexual orientation
• First move and beyond
• Directing sexual activity

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Sexual Communication (Cont.)

• In established relationships
• initiating sexual activity
• For heterosexuals men typically initiate more
  often
• In same-sex relationships typically the more
  emotionally expressive partner initiates

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Gender Differences in Partner Communication

• Women send clearer messages to their partners
  than do men
• Men more than women tend to send negative
  messages or withdraw
• Women tend to set the emotional tone of an
  argument
• Women tend to use more qualifiers in their style
  of speaking

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Developing Communication Skills

• Talking about sex
• Keys to good communication
• Self disclosure
• Trust
• Feedback

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Conflict and Intimacy

• Conflict is natural in intimate relationships
• A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a
  relationship
• Conflict isnt dangerous its the manner in
  which it is handled that can hurt or help
  relationship

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Conflicts about Sex

• Fighting about sex
• Can result from a disagreement about sex
• Can also be used as a scapegoat for nonsexual
  problems
• Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings such as
  inadequacy
• Its hard to tell during a fight if there are
  deeper causes

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Conflict Resolution

• The way couples deal with conflict reflects and
  contributes to their happiness
• Strategies for conflict resolution
• Negotiating conflicts
• Bargaining
• Coexistence

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Summary

• Love and sexuality
• Approaches and attitudes related to love
• Jealousy
• Sexual communication
• Developing communication skills
• Conflict and intimacy