Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

1
Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

• Chapter 8

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Emotional Intelligence

• According to Goleman, IQ contributes 20 to the
  factors leading to success in life
• The other 80 are due to attitudes, skills and
  behaviors known as emotional intelligence
• http//www.danielgoleman.info/blog/

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Emotional Intelligence Skills

• Skills included in Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
• Being able to motivate yourself
• Persevering during frustration
• Delaying gratification
• Controlling emotions and impulses
• Empathizing with others
• Having a positive attitude

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Golemans Five Domains of EQ

• Self-awareness
• Managing your emotions
• Self-motivation
• Perceptiveness
• Handling relationships

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Relationships

• Dependence
• Independence
• Co-Dependence (depending on each other because
  they feel they cant survive on their own)
• Interdependence (two or more independent
  individuals decide to come together to achieve a
  common goal
• Synergy as the energy between two for a common
  goal (eg, the musician and the audience)

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Win-Win Frame

• Finding a solution that pleases both

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Prisoners Dilemna

• Jose and Maria are arrested for armed robbery at
  Sedanos
• They are arrested and placed in separate jail
  cells
• Both care most about their personal freedom than
  about the welfare of their accomplice

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The prosecutor tells each

• You may choose to confess or remain silent. If
  you confess and your accomplice remains silent, I
  will drop all charges against you and use your
  testimony to insure that your accomplice does
  serious time. Likewise, if your accomplice
  confesses while you remain silent, he will go
  free while you do the time. If you both confess,
  I will get two convictions, but I will see to it
  that you both get an early parole. If you both
  remain silent, Ill have to settle for token
  sentences on firearms possession charges. If you
  wish to confess, you must leave a note with the
  jailer before my return tomorrow morning.

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The Dilemma

• Each gains the most if one confesses and the
  other does not
• The outcome obtained when both confess is worse
  for each than the outcome they would get if both
  remain silent
• If both cooperate, they both end up winning
• If they compete, both lose

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Prisoners Dilemma

• Three possible outcomes
• One subject wins by betraying a partner
• Both win by cooperating
• Both lose by competing and betraying each other

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Win-Lose or Lose-Win Outcomes

• The concept of competition
• Sports are based on win-lose
• Board games, and card games as well
• Our educational system, as well
• Does this work, however, with relationships?

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Lose-lose Outcomes

• None of the participants can get what they want,
  and neither side is satisfied with the outcome.
• Failing to resolve a conflict is an example of
  lose-lose outcomes (war)

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Win-win Outcomes

• Requires courage and consideration
• Only one banana left, with three people wanting
  itwin-win, cut the banana into three equal
  pieces
• Barriers to win-win
• We are socialized to be competitive
• Anger or resentment
• Requires cooperation of all involved

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When not to go for a Win-Win

• Consider giving in to the other person and
  accepting a lose-win outcome when
• You discover you are in the wrong
• The issue is very important to the other person
  and of minimal importance to you
• Other people need to learn a valuable lesson by
  making a mistake
• The long term cost of winning outweighs the short
  term gains of such

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Compromise

• Consider a compromise when
• Sufficient time does not exist to forge a win-win
  solution
• The issue is not important enough to spend time
  in further negotiation
• The other person is definitely not open to a
  win-win outcome

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Compete for Win-Lose

• Consider competing and going for a win-lose
  outcome when
• The issue is very important to you, the other
  person is certain to take advantage of you if you
  approach the situation in a noncompetitive
  fashion, and you are really not concerned with
  establishing a long term relationship

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Consider Win-Win

• Consider cooperation and trying for a win-win
  outcome when
• The issue is too vital to settle for a compromise
• A long term relationship between you and the
  other is at stake or in jeopardy
• The other person is willing to cooperate

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Conflict Resolution

• When conflict/disagreements exist between people
  who do not have emotional bonds with each other,
  the steps to effectively resolve the situation is
  through conflict resolution.

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Steps to Handle Conflicts

• Acknowledge/Identify the Problem
• Agree on a Date and a Procedure
• Describe Your Problem and Your Needs
• Seriously consider the other partys point of
  view
• Explore possible solutions
• Evaluate and negotiate
• Enact the Solution and followup

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Anger

• Basic human emotion
• Frustration-aggression hypothesis
• Freud
• Innate aggressive drive
• Catharsis

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Violence

• Violence as a form of aggression found in
• Previous history of violent behavior
• Having been physically abused in childhood
• Having witnessed violence in the home as a child
• A history of harming animals as a child
• Heavy exposure to violent tv or video games
• Absences of remorse over hurting others
• Family history of mental illness or violence
• Brain damage

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Road Rage

• http//www.youtube.com/watch_fullscreen?video_id2
  vwxAVZ6fJ4l33tOEgsToPDskIjXFtIlOED44Yx59ibB1p2
  skNG5J21MVsUh3jE9wmn8f1wCfs1titleroad rage

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Six Situations Likely to Trigger Road Rage

• Hostile gestures from other drivers
• Other drivers breaking traffic laws
• The presence of a police car
• Another driver driving too slowly
• Driver discourtesy
• Traffic jams or obstructions

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Attribution Theory

• Those we feel closest to are usually the ones we
  target our anger toward the most
• How you label your emotion your physiological
  arousal determines what you feel
• Emotion is much more than a physiological event
• If humans are faced with physiological arousal of
  unknown origin, they will search their
  environment for an appropriate explanation or
  label for this arousal.

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Schacter Singer (1962)

• Injected subjects with adrenalin which can cause
  powerful arousal reactions. However, they told
  the subjects they were getting vitamin shots.
• Next, they presented confederates who supposedly
  were given the same vitamin shot.
• The confederates would either react with anger or
  with euphoria
• Subjects exposed to the angry confederates also
  got angry those exposed to the euphorics also
  became euphoric
• Those subjects injected with a placebo, however,
  did not have any strong emotional reactions

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Emotions, therefore

• Are created by your evaluation of your internal
  and external environment
• Hence, we attribute our emotions to how we
  perceive the internal and external cues

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Type A

• Type A personality
• Hard driving
• Achievement oriented
• Compulsive
• Overly concerned with time pressure and easy to
  anger
• Strong relationship between Type A and cardiac
  problems

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Type B

• Laid back
• Easygoing
• Less concerned with time

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Vesuvius Effect

• When you explode like a volcano

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Zillman (1989)

• Recommends two strategies to defuse your anger
• Use cognitive restructuring and reframing
  technique to challenge anger provoking thoughts
  in order to facilitate a reevaluation of the
  original interpretation that trigged anger in the
  first place
• Pursue a cooling off period to defuse anger and
  allow yourself to physiologically cool down.

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Learning to Control Your Anger

• Be aware of your anger
• Interrupt angry thoughts
• Cultivate empathy
• Learn to laugh
• Practice active relaxation techniques
• Improve your listening skills
• Take the risk to trust others
• Practice the art of forgiving others

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Reframing Anger

• Look for Comedy
• The Grand Drama viewpoint
• A chapter in your life
• Viewing Criticism as feedback
• Develop your own plan to defuse anger
• Forgive
• Be assertive