Managing Conflict in Marriages and Families

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Chapter 13

• Managing Conflict in Marriages and Families

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Chapter Outline

• Family Cohesion
• Conflict and Love
• Supportive Communication and Conflict Management
• Bonding Fights - Nine Guidelines
• Changing Conflict-Management Habits
• The Myth of Conflict-free Conflict

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Six Qualities of Family Cohesion

• Communicate appreciation for one another.
• Arrange personal schedules so they can do things
  together.
• Have a high degree of commitment to promoting one
  another's happiness and welfare.

4
Six Qualities of Family Cohesion

• Have some spiritual orientation.
• Are able to deal with crises.
• Have positive communication patterns.

5
Conflict and Love

• All couples experience conflict.
• How conflicts are addressed and resolved depends
  on how secure mates feel in their relationship.

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10 Rules for a Successful Relationship

• Express love verbally.
• Be physically affectionate.
• Express appreciation and admiration.

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10 Rules for a Successful Relationship

• Share more about yourself with your partner than
  with any other person.
• Offer each other emotional support.
• Express your love materially.

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10 Rules for a Successful Relationship

• Accept partners demands and put up with
  partners shortcomings.
• Make time to be alone together.
• Do not take the relationship for granted.
• Do unto each other as you would have the other do
  unto you.

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Side Affects of Avoiding Conflict

• Anger insteads - substitute for dealing with
  emotions overeating, depression, illness, etc.
• Passive-aggression - express indirectly to avoid
  direct conflict nagging, criticism, sarcasm.
• Devitalized marriages

10
Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• Research identified predictors of divorce
• Contempt
• Criticism
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
• Belligerence

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Managing Conflict

• Be more gentle when raising complaints.
• Help soothe spouse by communicating care and
  affection.
• Learn self-soothing techniques.
• Be willing to accept influence from spouse.
• Do best to de-escalate arguments.

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Tactics Used by Fight Evaders

• Leaving the house or the scene when the fight
  threatens.
• Turing sullen and refusing to argue or talk.
• Derailing arguments I cant take it when you
  yell at me.

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Tactics Used by Fight Evaders

• Stating I cant take you seriously when you act
  this way.
• Using the hit and run tactic of filing a
  complaint and leaving no time for a resolution.
• Saying okay, you win without meaning it.

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Bonding Fights - Nine Guidelines

• Level with each other.
• To avoid attacks, use I -statements when
  possible.
• Avoid mixed, or double messages.
• Choose the time and place carefully.

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Bonding Fights - Nine Guidelines

• Focus anger only on specific issues.
• Ask for a specific change, but be open to
  compromise.
• Be willing to change yourself.
• Dont try to win.
• Remember to end the fight.

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Quick Quiz
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• 1. The emotional bonding of family members is
  referred to as family
• strength.
• construction.
• cohesion.
• justice.

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Answer c

• The emotional bonding of family members is
  referred to as family cohesion.

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• 2. When a person expresses anger at someone but
  does so indirectly rather than directly, that
  behavior is called.
• authoritarianism.
• displacement.
• sabotage.
• passive-aggression.

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Answer d

• When a person expresses anger at someone but does
  so indirectly rather than directly, that behavior
  is called passive-aggression.

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• 3. Which of the following is NOT one of the
  rules for a successful relationship, as
  discussed in the text?
• Be willing to challenge your partners demands
  and question his/her shortcomings.
• Share more about yourself with your partner than
  you do with any other person.
• Express your love materially.
• Do not take your relationship for granted.

22
Answer a

• Be willing to challenge your partners demands
  and question his/her shortcomings is NOT one of
  the rules for a successful relationship, as
  discussed in the text.

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• 4. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and
  stonewalling are all examples of what social
  psychologist John Gottman referred to as the
• Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
• major threats to communication breakdown.
• Four Riders of the Communication Barrier.
• primary ingredients of impending divorce.

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Answer a

• Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and
  stonewalling are all examples of what social
  psychologist John Gottman referred to as the Four
  Horsemen of the Apocalypse.