Relationships: Getting the Relationship You Want

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Relationships Getting the Relationship You Want

• Laura C. Flynn, Ph.D.
• James D. Martin Employee Worklife Center

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The Larger Context

• What is love?
• The 3 people in relationships
• The dance

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Some Interesting Facts

• Love and the Brain
• The mildly insane and love
• The High of Love

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Why We Fall in Love
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Imago Theory By Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. and Helen
LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

• Falling in love joy, aliveness, wholeness
• The projection drops away anger, despair
• Difficulty as part of the growth process

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The Process of Imago

• Vision of illusion falls away
• Our partners are different from how we thought
  they were
• Our old hurts are re-activated and it seems that
  our partner is at fault
• A power struggle ensues
• At this time, your partner is unqualified to
  give you what you want

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The Process Continued

• Free will in choosing our partners?
• Our unconscious causes us to fall in love with
  those who remind us of our early caregivers
• When infatuation wears off, we suddenly discover
  that our partner denies us those same things as
  our early caregivers
• Imago gt an image of the person who will make me
  whole again
• Another Imago Opposites attract

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Imago in Action

• What is Conscious Relationship
• We work to give our partners what they need, not
  just what is easy to give
• Example connectedness and separateness a common
  imago pairing

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Why Conflict is Good
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Conflict is Deepening and Healing

• Working through the wound as a source of conflict
• We have unconsciously chosen our partners to help
  us heal certain wounds
• Identify the wound
• The source of most conflict
• Not feeling heard, respected, attended to
• Stepping on the wound

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Cant I Choose Someone Else?

• Opposites attract
• Differences in DNA have been shown to predict
  faithfulness and fidelity in relationships
• University of New Mexico research on a set of
  genes that regulate the immune system
• As similarities in these genes increased, women
  were more likely to be unfaithful

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Working With Grievance
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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse By John
Gottman, Ph.D.

• Criticism
• Attacking the person instead of stating how you
  feel about the troublesome behavior
• Defensiveness
• High tension and lack of listening during
  discussions
• Contempt
• Lack of respect and sarcasm in response to or
  about your partner
• Stonewalling
• Emotional shutdown and unresponsiveness in
  response to attempts to communicate
• Especially in areas of conflict

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Strategies for Conflict Management

• Use I statements rather than You statements
• Avoid inflammatory language, derogatory names
• No interruptions
• Focus on 1 topic
• Avoid past grievances, other issues
• Time-outs ask for them
• 5 positives to 1 negative

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How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship By Pat
Love, Ed.D. and Sunny Shulkin, Ph.D.

• Try to control everyone and everything
• When your partner tries to please you, find fault
• Keep score
• Win every fight
• Find your partners weak spot and use it against
  him/her
• If you loved me, you would know what I want
• Blame your partner, never take responsibility
• Start conversations when your partner is busy or
  exhausted
• Focus on changing your partner

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Active Listening
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Relationship Resources

• Hendrix, H. (1998). Getting the love you want A
  guide for couples.
• http//www.imagotherapy.com
• Welwood, J. (2005) Perfect love, imperfect
  relationships Healing the wound of the heart.
• Fisher, B. (2005) Rebuilding when your
  relationship ends.
• Berzon, B. (2004). Permanent partners Building
  gay and lesbian relationships that last.

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FitnessMarch 20, 2007