Why ASD Adults Have Difficulty with Relationships and Datin

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Dating Interpersonal Relationships for Young
Adults on the Spectrum
Mary Riggs Cohen, Ph. D. Director, Social
Learning Disorders Program University of
Pennsylvania Department of Psychiatry Geena Mary
Sankoorikal, BS University of Pennsylvania Center
for Cognitive Neuroscience
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Love is blind, and friendship is just not
noticing. The only way to have a friend is to
be one.
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Why ASD Adults Have Difficulty with Relationships
and Dating
Why ASD Adults Have Difficulty with Relationships
and Dating

• They are typically social late bloomers
• They have less social experience than their peers
• Many have negative early experiences (bullying)
  that they carry with them emotionally
• Many are distrustful of neurotypicals (with good
  reason)
• They dont initiate social contact (fearing
  rejection)
• They dont follow-up to maintain relationships
• They spend to much time with special interests
  and neglect the relationship
• Relationships are complicated and confusing

• They are typically social late bloomers
• They have less social experience than their peers
• Many have negative early experiences (bullying)
  that they carry with them emotionally
• Many are distrustful of neurotypicals (with good
  reason)
• They dont initiate social contact (fearing
  rejection)
• They dont follow-up to maintain relationships
• They spend to much time with special interests
  and neglect the relationship
• Relationships are complicated and confusing

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An ability to let go of the past has gotten much
easier as my range of experiences has grown. The
more situations I live through, the better able I
am to put them into perspective and let those
that are inconsequential fall by the wayside. The
more I connect with people-my family, friends,
coworkers, even strangers-the greater
appreciation I have for each person who is in my
life. Sean Barron(2006)
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Making and Keeping Friends
Making and Keeping Friends

• Take the initiative to reach out to others(dont
  wait to introduce yourself)
• Remember facts and details about them so they
  know you are listening and care about whats going
  on their life
• Dont come on too strong, be casual, informal and
  comfortable (small talk first)
• Try to meet people with similar interests (art
  class, chess club, comic convention)
• Plan activities around mutual interests
• Be open to new experiences (try a new type of
  food, listen to a new type of music)

• Take the initiative to reach out to others(dont
  wait to introduce yourself)
• Remember facts and details about them so they
  know you are listening and care about whats going
  on their life
• Dont come on too strong, be casual, informal and
  comfortable (small talk first)
• Try to meet people with similar interests (art
  class, chess club, comic convention)
• Plan activities around mutual interests
• Be open to new experiences (try a new type of
  food, listen to a new type of music)

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Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

• Reciprocal, a balance of give and take
• Based on trust, honesty
• Freedom to be yourself
• Flexibility
• Mutual respect
• Tolerant of differences
• Supportive
• Fun and enhances experiences

• Reciprocal, a balance of give and take
• Based on trust, honesty
• Freedom to be yourself
• Flexibility
• Mutual respect
• Tolerant of differences
• Supportive
• Fun and enhances experiences

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Dating Advice From Those on the Spectrum

• Look past the outside (dont base your interest
  on looks)
• If you meet someone online, talk to them on the
  phone before planning to meet them (people can be
  much different than they seem online)
• Ask someone to go to a movie first and then go to
  a restaurant afterward (less talking at first and
  then you can talk about the movie)
• If you get nervous and cant think of anything to
  say excuse yourself and take a brief bathroom
  break
• If the date isnt going well dont blame
  yourself, personalities dont always mesh

Information from www.wrongplanet.net
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Internet Dating Suggestions
Internet Dating Suggestions

• Talk about your likes and dislikes in your
  personal information (dont characterize
  dislikes as complaints)
• Describe your physical features such as eye and
  hair color
• Look for dating sites with easy access and flat
  fee structures
• Use a current photo that looks like you
• When you contact someone dont lead in with a
  request for a date
• Keep your messages short
• Keep track of your contacts and messages
• Dont discuss personal subjects or opinions in
  e-mails

• Talk about your likes and dislikes in your
  personal information (dont characterize
  dislikes as complaints)
• Describe your physical features such as eye and
  hair color
• Look for dating sites with easy access and flat
  fee structures
• Use a current photo that looks like you
• When you contact someone dont lead in with a
  request for a date
• Keep your messages short
• Keep track of your contacts and messages
• Dont discuss personal subjects or opinions in
  e-mails

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Internet Dating Suggestions (Cont.)
Internet Dating Suggestions (Cont.)

• Be sensitive to issues such as age and physical
  appearance
• After several messages, suggest talking by phone
  first and then meeting (this is the natural next
  step)
• Expect some rejection but dont take it
  personally
• When meeting someone go to a public place
• Take your cell phone and have a friend call you
  during the meeting to check up on you
• Dont go to their place until you get to know
  them better (after two or three dates)

• Be sensitive to issues such as age and physical
  appearance
• After several messages, suggest talking by phone
  first and then meeting (this is the natural next
  step).
• Expect some rejection but dont take it
  personally
• When meeting someone go to a public place
• Take your cell phone and have a friend call you
  during the meeting to check up on you
• Dont go to their place until you get to know
  them better (after two or three dates)

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Dating Suggestions
Dating Suggestions

• Plan the date ahead of time (activity)
• Pick an activity that the other person is
  interested in
• Avoid movies (shows) that are violent or overly
  sexual
• If you are going to a restaurant ask about food
  preferences
• Keep the first date under four hours (even if
  youre having a good time)
• Ask questions about the other person to get to
  know them

• Plan the date ahead of time (activity)
• Pick an activity that the other person is
  interested in
• Avoid movies (shows) that are violent or overly
  sexual
• If you are going to a restaurant ask about food
  preferences
• Keep the first date under four hours (even if
  youre having a good time)
• Ask questions about the other person to get to
  know them

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Dating Suggestions (Cont.)
Dating Suggestions (Cont.)

• Listen to the other person and show you are
  interested in what they say (dont talk about
  yourself too much)
• Dont spend a lot of money (allow the other
  person to pay if he/she offers)
• Dont talk about personal topics on the first
  date
• Relax and be yourself

• Listen to the other person and show you are
  interested in what they say (dont talk about
  yourself too much)
• Dont spend a lot of money (allow the other
  person to pay if he/she offers)
• Dont talk about personal topics on the first
  date
• Relax and be yourself

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The Biology of Attraction
The Biology of Attraction

• Men are more visually oriented in their initial
  attraction, the sight of an attractive woman
  activates the brain s pleasure centers
• Smell is an important element of initial
  attraction for women, the scent of a man can
  cause romantic feelings
• You must have a face-to face encounter with
  someone to know if you are physically attracted
  to them (not just a photo)
• Gazing at someone causes our brain to feel linked
  to the other person and emotionally attuned
  (usually before kissing)

• Men are more visually oriented in their initial
  attraction, the sight of an attractive woman
  activates the brain s pleasure centers
• Smell is an important element of initial
  attraction for women, the scent of a man can
  cause romantic feelings
• You must have a face-to face encounter with
  someone to know if you are physically attracted
  to them (not just a photo)
• Gazing at someone causes our brain to feel linked
  to the other person and emotionally attuned
  (usually before kissing)
• Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman (2007)

Information from Social Intelligence, Daniel
Goleman (2007)