Asperger Syndrome and Marriage

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Asperger Syndrome and Marriage

• Gisela and Chris Slater-Walker

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Essential Requirements

• Formal diagnosis accepted by both partners
• Mutual desire to have a working relationship
• Mutual willingness to learn
• BUT this mutuality of desire/willingness has not
  been expressed in a togetherness of approach

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Background

• Met at university in 1985
• Moved in together 1989
• Son born 1992
• Chris diagnosed with ASD 1997

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Chris Why I Wanted a Relationship

• Wanted to share something with someone though
  not sure what
• Was very lonely thought that I would be able to
  talk to someone in a relationship
• Also heterosexual male
• Possibly children

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Early Days. What Sustained the Relationship?

• Limited emotional and time demands from Gisela
• Chriss linguistic ability
• Mutual interests doing same course
• music / culture
• political sympathies
• Physical attraction

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Early Days - What Endangered the
Relationship?

• Chris
• Unreasonable demands on my time
• Realised, possibly in theory, that you had to be
  with someone to have a relationship but in
  practice difficult
• Giselas untidiness
• Gisela
• Found aspects of Chriss behaviour uncomfortable
• Apparently rude and ungrateful to parents
• But appeared he wanted to be helpful just
  painfully shy and according to a friend the
  quietest person I have ever met

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Pre-Diagnosis Difficulties - Gisela

• Vital Routines hoovering the working surface
• Importance of sleep to Chris
• Discussion of difficulties impossible Chris
  apparently determined not to
• Apparent hostility
• Deteriorating relationship with parents and
  children
• Apparent indifference to family members needs
• Unable to use feminine wiles

www.asperger-marriage.info
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Pre-diagnosis Difficulties - Chris

• Saw Gisela as the one with the problems - not me
• I was reasonably happy, could not understand why
  Gisela was not
• Gisela has different ideas of what is important
• relationship with the children and people far
  more important to her than things being in the
  right place
• distressing for me when something is not in the
  right place
• Gisela would want to discuss things at night when
  I wanted to sleep

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AS and the young adult

• University experiences confirmed that I was
  different from other people.
• Found difficulties living with other students
• Depressed to the point of considering how to
  commit suicide

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Diagnosis Why Important?

• Chris Always felt socially handicapped
  diagnosis would provide a reason for this rather
  than it being a personal inadequacy
• Gisela Chris either unwilling or unable to
  engage fully in a close relationship needed to
  know which

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Initial Reaction to DSM-IV

• Chris - Sceptical, it seemed people with AS
  acted irrationally and I acted rationally
• Gisela Astonished, a description of Chriss
  idiosyncrasies

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There is no doubt in my mind that you are on the
autistic spectrum and have Asperger Syndrome
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Effects of ASD in an Able Adult

• Bullying
• Severe depression
• Nearly ended a marriage
• Extremely unhappy relationship with parents
• Unable to deal with lack of structure at Oxford
• Failure to succeed at interviews so career and
  job opportunities curtailed
• Difficulties in employment

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Help Available to the Able Adult with Asperger
Syndrome

• Medication
• Family

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Professional Help Available to Families of the
Able Adult with AS

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Other Help Available for Partners in Asperger
Marriages

• Literature by professionals, people with AS and
  partners
• Support groups national and local
• Internet lists
• Extended family
• Good friends

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AS Features Causing Difficulties

• Lack of Empathy?
• Inability to mind-read
• Effects of stress on the AS partner
• Communication difficulties personal and work
  relationships

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Non-Spectrum Features Causing Difficulties

• Lack of Appreciation of
• stress caused by daily living with AS
• need for space
• misunderstanding not only one way
• Own need for reassurance of affection
• Need for conversation and social interaction
• Need to be understood

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Essential problem is communication
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Verbal Communication

• Conversation
• AS partner
• has a lack of ability to initiate
• has literal understanding
• has no innate understanding of structure of
  conversation
• simply does not know what to say
• Unaware of when to speak sometimes

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Communication

• Conversation structure difficulties
• turn-taking slow or absent
• need for processing time causes delay in
  replying, particularly noticeable over abstract
  issues, e.g. emotions
• Difficulty in beginning and ending conversations

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Non-verbal Communication

• A real problem lack of facial expression and
  other non verbal communication leads to much
  mutual misunderstanding
• Mood, or attitude of the person with AS is easily
  misread

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Coping Strategies

• Awareness of differences in communication
• Non-AS partner must not become emotional in
  conversations
• Discuss one issue at a time
• Try to avoid using metaphorical language
• Wait for a reply it will usually come
• Explain the need for a reply if it doesnt
• The intent of the person with AS should be
  appreciated
• Use Instant Messaging and emails

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Employment Issues

• Communication difficulties extend to other
  aspects of life
• AS partner may appreciate help over work issues
  and day-to-day living

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Interviews

• Inherently discriminatory for people with AS
• Good communication skills invariably tested by
  ability to communicate socially rather than to
  communicate complex ideas
• Apparent lack of confidence in interviews is not
  a true reflection of job performance under
  pressure

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Work relationships

• Chris tends to trust what people say so that it
  is easy to take advantage of him
• Problems in ensuring contributions are recognised
• Difficulty in defending myself against criticism
  at home and at work, especially when it is
  unjustified

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Social Issues

• Separate social lives need not be detrimental to
  a marriage
• Social occasions based on an activity concert,
  theatre or quiz more successful
• Purely social occasions should be limited to
  small groups of quiet people in quiet surroundings

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Parenting

• Chris benefited from watching me and we agree
  on strategies with George
• George aware of Chriss AS
• Conscientious

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The Future

• Chriss relationship with his parents is much
  improved
• Still problems with my three children difficult
  to redress
• Despite practice some situations still very
  difficult interviews
• Not currently planning An Asperger Divorce