Pathfinder Raising Responsible Children

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PathfinderRaising Responsible Children

• Created by
• James J. Messina, Ph.D.

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Pathfinder

• P Principles
• A Activating
• T Tracking
• H Hugging
• F Formulating
• I Intervening
• N Negotiating
• D Discussing
• E Establishing
• R Releasing

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• Parenting Principles
• A
• T
• H
• F
• I
• N
• D
• E
• R

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Pathfinders Foundational Principle

• TEA System Based Principles
• Thoughts - must get rational
• Emotions - must feel more rational
• Actions - take Actions only after Thoughts and
  Emotions are rational and in synch

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• P
• Activating Self-Esteem
• T
• H
• F
• I
• N
• D
• E
• R

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Activating Self-Esteem

• Developmental focus over kids lifetime
• Encourage personal responsibility taking
• Promote productive lifestyles
• Unconditional love and acceptance
• Life skills training and building
• Respect as individuals
• Encourage self-direction

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• P
• A
• Tracking Structures
• H
• F
• I
• N
• D
• E
• R

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Tracking Structures

• Self-care
• Environment
• Chores
• Electronics
• Family phone
• Time management

• Finances
• Recreation
• Academics
• Outside relationships
• Family relationships
• Family meetings

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• P
• A
• T
• Hugging for Bonding
• F
• I
• N
• D
• E
• R

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Hugging for Bonding

• Build sense of security
• Give sense of being wanted
• Establish healthy self-worth
• Use physical touch and hugs
• Use verbal touches and hugs
• Transmit unconditional love
• Create emotional connectedness

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• P
• A
• T
• H
• Formulating Consequences
• I
• N
• D
• E
• R

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Formulating Consequences

• Natural consequences are best
• Logical consequences next best
• Thinking persons method of discipline
• Enforce the consequences with no screaming,
  yelling, ranting or raving
• Get them recognized, agreed to, contracted,
  outlined and recorded
• Then remind and enforce them

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• P
• A
• T
• H
• F
• Intervening in Kids Losses
• N
• D
• E
• R

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Intervene in Kids Losses

• Coping with divorce
• Coping with step parents families
• Death of parent, sibling or close relative
• Surviving physical/sexual abuse
• Parent/sibling with substance abuse
• Coping with disability in self or sibling
• Coping with disasters or failures

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• P
• A
• T
• H
• F
• I
• Negotiating and Advocating for Kids
• D
• E
• R

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Negotiating Advocating

• Linkage, Brokering, Mobilization, Activating
  with
• teachers and school officials
• coaches and activity leaders
• community officials
• members of extended family
• non-supportive, non-pathfinder parent

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• P
• A
• T
• H
• F
• I
• N
• Discussing and Communicating
• E
• R

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Discussing Communicating I

• Focus on feelings
• Dont be parallel listener
• Dont jump to assumptions
• Dont compete as to who knows more
• Listen effectively
• Respond with understanding
• Use I statements not You statements

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Discussing Communicating II

• Clarify what child is saying
• Do not belittle or make fun of child
• Do not put words in childs mouth
• Make time for discussions with child
• Maintain sense of humor with child
• Describe behaviors not the child as being
  unacceptable

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Discussing Communicating III

• Stay focused on the here and now
• Control temper in discussions
• Use open ended questions
• Do not use door closer statements
• Be rational in all discussions
• Do not make comparisons to other kids
• Help point out when childs actions are not
  consistent with childs words

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• P
• A
• T
• H
• F
• I
• N
• D
• Establishing Healthy Boundaries
• R

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Establishing Healthy Boundaries I

• Maintain healthy intimacy
• Do not get emotionally hooked
• Release anger in healthy ways
• Respect each others personal rights
• Establish clear, mutually agreed upon, and
  recorded limits and boundaries
• Enforce the boundaries

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Establishing Healthy Boundaries II

• Maintain individual identity
• No scarcity principle
• Get rid of guilt
• Know difference between love and sympathy
• Ignore helplessness neediness of kids

• Get rid of need to be needed
• Dont wait for time to make it better
• Dont personalize childs problems
• Let go of fear of negative outcomes
• No idealism or fantasy thinking

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Establishing Healthy Boundaries III

• Put limits on time focused solely on kids
• Put limits on money spent only on kids
• Put limits on use of external resources used
  only on kids
• Put limits on use of internal resources used only
  on kids
• Put limits on emotions spent only on kids

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• P
• A
• T
• H
• F
• I
• N
• D
• E
• Releasing Shame and Guilt

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Releasing Shame Guilt

• Let go of anger in healthy ways
• Let go of need to control, fix change
• Let go of guilt for not being perfect
• Let go of shame for past failings
• Self forgiveness for mistakes you have made with
  kids

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Children Learn WhatThey Live

• If a child lives with criticism, he learns to
  condemn
• If a child lives with hostility, he learns to
  fight
• If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to feel
  shy
• If a child lives with shame he learns to feel
  guilty

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• If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
  patient
• If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
  confidence
• If a child lives with praise, he learns to
  appreciate
• If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice
• If a child lives with security, he learns to have
  faith
• If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
  himself
• If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
  he learns to find love in the world.

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Parenting Principles I

• No entitlement
• Mutual respect
• No overprotection
• Empathize
• Have fun
• Be creative
• Curb temper
• Describe negative behaviors not kids

• Healthy priorities
• Let go of fantasies
• Unique individuals
• Autonomy
• No triangulation
• Win win solutions
• Parents are leaders
• Healthy boundaries

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Parenting Principles II

• Catch child being good
• Ignore negatives
• Listen to behaviors
• Communicate
• Feelings are choice
• Dont force lies
• Let kids be kids
• Give kids choices

• Use consequences
• Be consistent
• Follow through
• Be assertive
• Avoid cloning
• Let go of guilt
• Forgive yourself
• no overcompensating

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Parenting Principles III

• Use detachment
• Love unconditionally
• Healthy sexuality
• no stereotyping
• Leadership potential
• Healthy lifestyle
• Promote spirituality
• Promote world view

• Career mindedness
• Adapt for specialKidz
• No perfectionism
• Be authentic
• No family secrets
• Admit mistakes
• Seek out help
• Advocate for kids