Chapter Eight

1
Chapter Eight

• Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

2
Love

• Exists in all cultures
• Exists in all ethnic groups
• Exists in all orientations
• Dual nature
• Feeling Emotional Component
• Activity Action Component

3
Communication

• Communication is the thread that connects
  sexuality and intimacy
• The quality of the relationship affects the
  quality of the sex.
• Partners who are satisfied with sexual
  communication tend to be satisfied with their
  relationship in general
• Most of the time we do not think about the
  quality of our communication until it fails.

4
Friendship and Love

• Friendship is a strong foundation for strong love
  relationships that include mutual acceptance,
  trust, respect, confidentiality, understanding,
  and spontaneity.
• Difference between friends and lovers deeper
  levels of fascination, exclusivity, and sexual
  desire.
• Love has a greater potential for distress,
  conflict, and mutual criticism.

5
Friendship and Love

• Marriage still houses two separate individuals.
  Boundaries should be clarified and options should
  be shared
• Success in marriage depends upon the ability of
  the partners to communicate concerns and on the
  maturity of the people involved in the marital
  relationship.

6
Love and Sexuality

• Sexuality and love are intimately related in our
  culture
• Our cultural language connects love and sex and
  love legitimizes sex outside of marriage.
• Many in sexual relationships use words associated
  with love to describe/explain sexual practice.
• The use of lovers, make love, or intimate
  are often used instead of technical or slang
  terms to describe the sexual practice in the
  sexual relationship.

7
Love and Sexuality

• What factors lead to sexual intercourse?
• Belief that sex will grow the relationship
• Belief that sex will add meaning to the
  relationship
• Sexual satisfaction is tied to relationship
  satisfaction, but appears to be more significant
  in men
• Level of intimacy and relationship duration are
  correlated with the decision to engage in sexual
  activity
• Partners who are less committed to the
  relationship are less likely to be sexually
  involved
• Partners who share the power in a relationship
  are more likely to be involved in a sexual
  relationship than those in inequitable
  relationships.

8
Love and Sexuality

• Cultural environment and physical environment
  play a role in the level of sexual activity
• Opportunity for sex can be precluded in an
  environment that is not private (ex. Parents,
  friends, roommates, or children)
• Opportunity for sex may either be enhanced or
  suppressed by the values of the culture.

9
Love and Sexuality

• How woman shows sexual interest to man (how the
  man sees it) assertive, forceful, and even
  aggressive sexual behavior
• Versus
• How man shows sexual interest to woman (how the
  woman sees it) behavior that inspires trust
  and confidence
• Do we exhibit the behavior that we expect?

10
Sex Outside of Committed Relationships

• Young adult sex outside of marriage is now the
  norm
• Values in America have shifted to legitimize
  pre-marital or non-marital sex.
• Change is due to
• Effective contraception and abortion
• Redefined gender roles legitimizing female
  sexuality
• Alterations in demographics people waiting
  longer to get married

11
Men, Women, Sex, and Love

• Men separate sex and love more than women
• However, the emotional quality of the
  relationship makes sexual experience special
• Gay men may have more willing partners for casual
  sex than heterosexual men
• Women, generally, value sex in the context of a
  relationship
• Lesbians share sex less than heterosexual couples
  of gay men

12
Men, Women, Sex, and Love

• Women, generally, value sex in the context of a
  relationship
• Seek emotional relationships
• May derive their self-worth from the quality of
  the relationship
• Lesbians share sex less than heterosexual couples
  of gay men
• Tend to postpone sexual involvement until they
  have developed emotional intimacy with their
  partner

13
Love Without Sex

• Celibacy
• May be a choice
• May be a circumstance (no partner)
• May be short or long term
• May be goal oriented (marriage)
• Asexuality little or no sexual attraction to
  either sex
• Emphasis on friendship and other relationship
  qualities
• May free up energy for personal growth or other
  kinds of relationships.

14
Styles of Love John Leesee pg 228, text

• Eros love of beauty
• Mania obsessive love
• Ludus playful love
• Storge( STOR-gay) companionate love
• Agape altruistic love
• Pragma practical love

15
Styles of Love John Leesee pg 228, text

• Lee hypothesizes that mutually satisfying
  relationships partners need to share the same
  style and definition of love
• Recent research on styles College women showed
  more erotic and pragmatic styles, whereas the men
  exhibited higher rates of Ludus attitudes

16
The Triangular Theory of Love

• Theory developed by Robert Sternberg
• Emphasizes the dynamic quality of love
  relationships in separate and combined forms

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The Components of Love Ten Signs of Intimacy

• Wanting to promote your partners welfare
• Feeling happiness with your partner
• Holding your partner in high regard
• Being able to count on your partner in time of
  need
• Being able to understand each other

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The Components of Love (cont.)

• Sharing yourself and your possessions with your
  partner
• Receiving emotional support from your partner
• Giving emotional support to your partner
• Being able to communicate with your partner about
  intimate things
• Valuing partners presence in your life

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Kinds of Love Sternbergpg 230, text

• Liking
• Intimacy only
• Infatuation
• Passion only
• Romantic Love
• Intimacy and passion
• Companionate Love
• Intimacy and commitment

• Fatuous Love
• Passion and commitment
• Consummate love
• Intimacy, passion, and commitment
• Empty love
• Commitment only
• Nonlove
• Absence of all three

20
The Geometry of Love

• The shape of the love triangle depends on the
  intensity of the love and the balance of the
  parts.
• Intense relationships have larger areas
• The balance determines the shape of the triangle
• The greater the match between the triangles of
  the two partners, the more likely each will
  experience satisfaction in the relationship.

21
Attachment Theory(Romantic love similar to
infant-caregiver attachment)

• Infant-Caregiver Attachment
• Bond depends on attachment objects
  responsiveness
• Infant happier in attachment object presence
• Shares discoveries with attachment object. Coos,
  talks baby talk
• Feeling of oneness with attachment object

• Romantic love
• Feelings are related to lovers interest
• Happier when lover is present
• Shares experiences with lover
• Lovers coo, talk baby talk
• Feeling of oneness with lover

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Components of Attachment

• Attachment style endures across ones life
• Depends upon security and safety There is a
  need to feel secure partner need respond to a
  need
• Open acceptance and honesty

23
Types of Attachment

• Secure attachments
• Find it relatively easy to get close to other
  people
• Anxious/ambivalent attachment
• Believe that other people didnt get as close as
  they themselves wanted
• Avoidant attachments
• Feel discomfort being close to other people
• In adulthood the attachment style developed in
  infancy combines with sexual desire and caring
  behaviors to give rise to romantic love

24
Unrequited Love

• Love is not returned
• Causes distress to all involved
• Rejecters most distressed
• Perspectives differ between the people who offer
  love and those who do not reciprocate
• Rejecter see rejected as self-deceiving and
  unreasonable
• Rejected see rejecter as inconsistent and
  mysterious

25
Jealousy

• Jealousy does not prove the existence of love
  proves only that the other person can be made
  jealous
• Jealousy and love are not necessarily companions
• Jealousy is painful associated with anger, hurt
  and loss (or perceived)
• Jealousy can destroy or cement a relationship
  (paradoxical)
• Jealously is linked to violence

26
Jealousy

• Aversive response to a real or imagined
  involvement with a third person
• Painful experience
• Absence may indicate relationship problems
• Occurs where there are commitments in a
  relationship
• Men and women differ in reported attempts to make
  their partner jealous

27
Managing Jealousy

• Jealousy can be unreasonable or realistic
• Dealing with irrational suspicions can be
  difficult
• Can work on underlying causes of our insecurity
  (Why are we jealous?)
• If jealousy is well-founded, relationship may
  need to be modified or ended
• Jealousy can be the catalyst for change

28
Extramarital Sex

• Extramarital sex in exclusive marriages is
  related to three factors
• Stronger sexual interests
• More permissive sexual values
• Greater sexual opportunities
• Weaker marital relationships
• In Dating and Cohabitating relationships is
  termed extra-relational sex
• Nonexclusive Marriages may be open for intimacy
  but not sex, open with sex allowed,
  group/multiple relationships

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Making Love Last From Passion to Intimacy

• Intimate love Each person knows they can count
  on the other
• Commitment Based on conscious choices rather
  than transitory feelings
• Caring Involves making another persons needs
  as important as your own
• Self-disclosure Revealing ourselvesour hopes,
  our fears, our everyday thoughts to deepen
  understanding and intimacy

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The Nature of Communication

• Communication a transactional process
• Involves conveying symbols, words, gestures,
  movements
• Goal of establishing human contact, exchanging
  information, and reinforcing or changing
  attitudes and behaviors

31
Contexts of Communication

• Cultural context
• the language, values, beliefs, and customs in
  which communication takes place this shapes our
  style of communication
• Social context
• the roles we play in society status roles can
  define the style of communication in the
  relationship
• Psychological context
• how people communicate based on their
  personalities ( factors self-esteem,
  self-efficacy)

32
Nonverbal Communication

• The ability to correctly interpret nonverbal
  communication is important in relationships
• Most of our feeling communication is nonverbal
• 3 important factors (Like You vs. Dislike You)
• Proximity nearness in physical space
• Eye contact a symbol of interest
• Touching signals intimacy, closeness

33
Sexual Communication

• Our interpersonal sexual scripts provide us with
  instructions on how to behave sexually
• In beginning relationships (pg. 248-250)
• Halo effect
• Interest and opening lines
• In some cases establishing sexual orientation
• First move and beyond
• Directing sexual activity

34
Sexual Communication (Cont.)

• In established relationships
• initiating sexual activity
• For heterosexuals men typically initiate more
  often
• In same-sex relationships typically the more
  emotionally expressive partner initiates

35
Gender Differences in Partner Communication

• Women send clearer messages to their partners
  than do men
• Men more than women tend to send negative
  messages or withdraw
• Women tend to set the emotional tone of an
  argument typically escalate or diminish
  argument
• Women tend to use more qualifiers in their style
  of speaking, men use fewer words

36
Developing Communication Skills

• Talking about sex
• Keys to good communication (pg.253-254)
• Self disclosure
• Trust
• Feedback

37
Conflict and Intimacy

• Conflict is natural in intimate relationships
• A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a
  relationship
• Conflict isnt dangerous its the manner in
  which it is handled that can hurt or help
  relationship

38
Conflicts about Sex

• Fighting about sex
• Can result from a disagreement about having sex
• Can also be used as a scapegoat for nonsexual
  problems
• Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings such as
  inadequacy
• Its hard to tell during a fight if there are
  deeper causes

39
Conflict Resolution

• The way couples deal with conflict reflects and
  contributes to their happiness
• Strategies for conflict resolution
• Negotiating conflicts
• Bargaining (win-win)
• Coexistence (get along)