Love

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Love
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Love Quotes

• Love is an attempt at penetrating another being,
  but it can only succeed if the surrender is
  mutual. Octavio Paz
• Love is the word used to label the sexual
  excitement of the young, the habituation of the
  middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the
  old. John Ciardi
• The first duty of love is to listen. Paul Tillich

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Love Quotes

• When hes late for dinner, I know hes either
  having an affair or is lying dead in the street.
  I always hope its the street.
• Jessica Tandy on her husband Hume Cronyn

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What is love?

• Difficult to define
• can mean different things to different people
• difficult to measure

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Maintaining relationship satisfaction

• Ingredients in a lasting love relationship
• self-acceptance
• appreciation of others qualities
• commitment
• good communication
• realistic expectations
• shared interests
• ability to face deal with conflict

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Maintaining relationship satisfaction

• Sexual variety
• communication is critical
• vary times places
• be open to spontaneous experiences
• plan time together, dates
• discuss what is comfortable vs normal
• read discuss books, videos on sexual
  techniques

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Rubins Love Scale

• Results from research Love has 3 components
• attachment - desire them physically close and
  emotionally close
• caring - concern for other
• intimacy - desire close, confidential
  communication
• couples who scored low on scale had less eye
  contact

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Types of Love

• Companionate Love
• less intense
• friendly affection
• attachment based on familiarity
• tolerance of shortcomings
• desire to overcome conflicts
• sex strengthens bond - less exciting but more
  meaningful

• Passionate (romantic/infatuation)
• occurs early in relationship
• overlook faults
• avoid conflict
• physiological arousal/strong sexual desire

Most relationships begin with passionate love and
evolve into companionate but sometimes reversed.
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Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love

• Passion - motivational component (fast)
• deep desire/physical attraction
• Intimacy - emotional component (build over time)
• sharing, emotional closeness
• Commitment - cognitive aspect (build over time)
• conscious decision to maintain relationship

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Sternberg- Passion/Intimacy/Committment

• Nonlove absence of all 3
• Friendship/Liking only intimacy
• Infatuation only passion
• Empty Love only commitment
• Companionate Love intimacy commitment
• Fatuous Love passion commitment
• Romantic Love passion intimacy
• Consummate Love all 3

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Lees Styles of Loving

• People speak different languages of love
• Romantic Love Style (eros)
• emphasis on physical beauty
• search for ideal mate
• Game Playing Love Style (ludus)
• play the field
• sexual conquests w/ little or no commitment
• love is fun

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Styles of Loving

• Possessive Love Style (mania)
• obsessive
• turmoil and jealousy
• intense ups and downs
• Companionate Love Style (storge)
• slow developing, enduring relationships
• peaceful, quiet
• begins as friendship

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Styles of Loving

• Altruistic Love Style (agape)
• selfless, caring, giving
• patient, never demanding
• Pragmatic Love Style (pragma)
• rational and practical selection of lovers
• shared interests important/business like approach

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Brain Chemistry

• high of new love/passionate love are a result
  of surging levels of brain chemicals
  (neurotransmitters)
• norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine
• highs dont last
• possibly develop tolerance

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Brain Chemistry

• Endorphins (other neurotransmitters)
• Produce feelings of security, tranquility, peace
• Feels good to be with loved ones

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With Whom Do We Fall In Love?

• Proximity
• Similarity
• Reciprocity
• Physical Attractiveness

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Development of Intimacy

• Self-Love Required

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Love and Sex/Women and Men

• Women more likely to associate love with sex
  (changes with age)
• both value love and affection in sex
  relationships
• trends toward convergence of male and female
  attitudes

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Whose jealous?

• More prone to jealousy
• low opinion of self/insecure/inadequate
• large discrepancy between who you are and who you
  want to be
• those who place high value on wealth, fame,
  popularity, physical attractiveness

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Jealousy Men and Women

• Women more likely to acknowledge
• women blame themselves
• women more likely to provoke jealousy

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Successful Relationships

• Parents of both spouses had successful, happy
  marriages
• similar attitudes, interests, personalities
• satisfied sex
• adequate, steady income
• not pregnant before marriage

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Sex

• Some need variation to keep passion alive
• Some prefer familiarity
• Some consider sex relatively unimportant

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Ingredients for a lasting love relationship

• self acceptance
• appreciation of one another
• commitment
• good communication
• realistic expectations
• shared interests
• ability to face conflicts effectively

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COMMUNICATION
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Why Sexual Communication is Difficult

• Socialization
• we learn to feel shame, discomfort, embarrassment
  regarding sexual areas and functions of body as
  children
• Language
• we lack a suitable language of sex
• taboo sex words - we snicker at them or use them
  in angry, aggressive, insulting ways
• two extremes street language and medical
  terminology

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Communication Difficulties

• Gender differences
• men use language to convey info, achieve status
  in group, challenge others, prevent being pushed
  around
• women use language to achieve and share intimacy,
  promote closeness, prevent others from pushing
  them away
• women may be looking for understanding and men
  respond with answers and solutions

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Communication Difficulties

• Anxieties about exposing self
• sexual communication involves risks
• risks of judgement, criticism, rejection
• willingness to risk related to level of trust in
  relationship

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How to Start Talking About Sex

• Talk about why it is hard to talk about sex
• Read info/books on sex together or separately and
  discuss readings
• Share sexual histories
• when and how you first learned about sex

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How to be a Good Listener

• Be an active listener
• body language, facial expressions, asking
  questions
• Maintain eye contact
• Provide feedback/reaction in words
• clarify that youve heard what has been said
• Express unconditional positive regard
• make it safe for partner to express self without
  fear of loss of care, love
• Paraphrase

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How to Discover Partners Needs

• Ask questions - open ended or multiple choice -
  not yes/no
• Self disclosure first instead of direct questions
• its easier to share feelings when a partner is
  willing to also share
• Give permission
• encourage and reassure partner that it is okay to
  make requests

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Meeting Your Own Needs

• Take responsibility for your own pleasure
• speak your needs and wants
• unfair to make partner guess or do all the work
• Be specific with your requests
• dont assume partner knows
• Use I language
• assertive not selfish my needs are as important
  as yours (not more, not less)

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You versus I Language

• YOU
• You make me so mad!
• You are such an inconsiderate jerk!

• I
• It hurts me when you hang up the phone without
  saying goodbye.
• I get frustrated when I have dinner ready at 6 pm
  and you dont call or show up till 7.

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• The goals of an "I" message are
• to avoid using "you" statements that will
  escalate the conflict
• to respond in a way that will de-escalate the
  conflict
• to identify feelings
• to identify behaviors that are causing the
  conflict
• to help individuals resolve the present conflict
  and/or prevent future conflicts

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• BASIC FORMAT
• I feel . . . when . . . because . . . .
• EXAMPLE "I feel scared when you are late home
  from work, because I worry that something might
  have happened to you."

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Another Formula

• Stating Your Feeling
• Connecting the Feeling to an Issue
• Stating What You Want to Have Happen

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• You dont let me say what I want to do.
• Or
• I feel frustrated when we talk about making
  plans and I dont get to say what I want to do. I
  want us to both to have input.

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Give constructive criticism

• be aware of motivation
• STOP if it is to hurt, humiliate, blame,
  ridicule, or get even
• choose right time and place
• STOP if it is public, if anger is at a peak, if
  time is limited, if either partner is stressed,
  under the influence, or preoccupied
• also praise
• dont ask why questions
• direct anger towards behaviors not person
• limit criticisms given at one time

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Saying No

• Reasons this is difficult
• fear of hurting the other person
• fear of other persons anger, aggression
• Express appreciation (thanks)
• Say no clearly/unquestionably
• avoid sending mixed message
• Offer an alternative if possible or desired
• How about.