Telling ! ?

1
Telling ! ?

• Sandra Stewart
• With ideas borrowed from Mara Keisling

2
Who Are You ??

• Why this study
• How was it done
• What have I learned

3
Should You ?

• Why now?
• Or even should you?
• What are your motives?
• Is it necessary?
• How might they react?

4
Coming Out

• Coming out is a process not a single event. We
  have been coming out all of our lives and we need
  to remember that when we wish to share with
  others that which is such a large part of us part
  of us.

5
Its Not About You

• I know you find that's hard to believe
• You must address their concerns, not yours
• Coming out is a process,
• you have had years learning to deal with it,
• or not

6
Why isnt it about me?

• They are more likely to understand/accept if it
  is about them.
• If they accept better, you win!
• You have as I said had years, they have not.
• Remember this is not the most important thing in
  their life

7
Communicate

• Work on their level
• People hear differently
• Are you aware that what you are hearing is not
  exactly what I am saying?

8
Success Factors

• Who you are
• Who the other person is
• The relationship you share
• How you tell!

9
Timing

• Chose the time carefully, if other things are
  intruding into the relationship it may be wiser
  to wait.
• Chose the location sensibly, in a car with them
  driving is probably NOT a good place

10
Where

• A neutral location,
• Park
• Their home
• It needs to be a safe place for them
• And you if they own guns!

11
Ally

• Consider enlisting an ally, for example a
  therapist or knowledgeable friend or sibling.

12
The Message

• Frame the message positively!
• Not I have a problem
• More I have something I wish to share with you.
• A relationship based on truth

13
FIRST

• The First impression IS THE most important
• Advertising
• And political adds
• What you say first

14
Answers

• Have the answers!
• Do your homework!
• Do your homework!
• Do your homework!

15
Reaction

• The news may be up setting and the reaction
  negative.
• It is a process. Just as it has been for you a
  life time process so it will for them respect
  that.
• How they react now, will most likely not be how
  they react later

16
Testing testing 123

• Testing the waters, it is possible in
  conversation to obliquely bring up a subject.
  There are various other ways including what I
  call the Tootsie approach (using movies and
  television programs). There is also the Halloween
  approach, a fairly safe time to express
  variance. After all it is our national holiday.

17
Example

• I used to tell my kids "picture stories", which
  were like crude comic strips. We'd do this as
  the bed time story. To tell them, I did a picture
  story along these lines "There was once a little
  boy who felt like a little girl, but didn't feel
  he could tell anyone because he was scared of
  what everyone would think. He grew up and had a
  partner and kids and they eventually separated.
  After they separated, the little boy, who was now
  a man, still felt like a little girl inside. He
  decided that he really need to be that little
  girl, so that he could grow up and become a
  woman. The little boy was me, when I was a lot
  younger, and so now I am going to start being a
  woman." This was accompanied by pictures of a
  little boy, over-drawn with a dress, then a
  picture of a family with a Mum, a Dad and two
  children, and then finally a man, with an
  over-drawn dress on. After that I made sure they
  knew that I loved them very much and I would
  continue to see them as often as I did at the
  time.

18
Gender Identity
Gender Identity Gender Identity Gender Identity Gender Identity Gender Identity Gender Identity  
Frequency Percent Valid Percent Cumulative Percent
Valid crossdresser 34 2.2 23.8 23.8
Valid transvestite 3 0.2 2.1 25.9  
Valid transgendered 24 1.5 16.8 42.7  
Valid non-op transsexual 9 0.6 6.3 49.0  
Valid pre-op transsexual 27 1.7 18.9 67.8  
Valid Post op transsexual 26 1.7 18.2 86.0  
Valid other 15 1.0 10.5 96.5  
Valid 99.00 5 0.3 3.5 100.0  
Valid Total 143 9.2 100.0    
19
Gender Identity
20
So Initial Reaction
21
SO Current Attitude
22
How did they find out
23
Example

• The two from my first marriage learned as
  teenagers, my wife's children learned when we
  told them after we had been married a few years.
  
• When we told my children we learned they had
  found my clothes and suspected something was
  going on.

24
Example 2

• describe He found my cigarette butt's with
  lipstick stains and thought that I was seeing
  another woman, his mother told him it wasn't
  another woman that what he found was my cigarett
  butts and the lipstick was what I was wearing
  when I smoked.. Eventually telling him that I
  crossdressed

25
Example 3

• They are all four grown with lives of their
  own--the universal response when we told them of
  my crossdressing was "Does Mom know? Is she okay
  with it?" When she told them she knew and was
  supportive that was okay with them.
• We have two sons--3 and 4--who are gay and my
  "coming out" to them helped their personal lives
  by realizing that they, too, are accepted by us.

26
Childs Initial Reaction
27
Childs Current Reaction
28
Security Breach
29
Problems as a result of some one child told
30
School Problems
31
Example

• Problem at school? Not yet. My son (and their
  mother) has been a bit worried about my daughter
  talking about it at school. My son is very quiet
  and is worried about getting teased, whilst my
  daughter is very outgoing. She would say "My Dad
  is now a girl. I don't care what you think". So
  far it hasn't happened yet.

32
This is Interesting

• One of the questions asked was, is there any one
  else in your family that is T.
• Possibilities
• 1 genetic family trait
• 2 this is indicative of the general population

33
Other transgendered people in your family
Are there any other transgendered people in your family? Are there any other transgendered people in your family? Are there any other transgendered people in your family? Are there any other transgendered people in your family? Are there any other transgendered people in your family? Are there any other transgendered people in your family? Are there any other transgendered people in your family?
Frequency Percent Valid Percent Cumulative Percent
Valid yes yes 20 1.3 14.0 14.0
Valid no no 65 4.2 45.5 59.4
Valid Unknown don't know Unknown don't know 54 3.5 37.8 97.2
Valid 99.00 99.00 4 0.3 2.8 100.0
Valid Total Total 143 9.2 100.0  
Missing System System 1,419 90.8    
Total Total Total 1,562 100.0    
             
34
Example

• My grandson (age 8) is showing some transgendered
  tendencies. My daughter and her husband are
  taking it as a simple fact of life and not making
  a big deal of it.

35
Childs Initial Reaction, Spouse or SO's current
attitude
SO's current attitude SO's current attitude SO's current attitude SO's current attitude SO's current attitude SO's current attitude Total  
very supportive Supportive sometimes tolerant Tolerant sometimes negative other Total  
Childs Initial Reaction positive positive 27 9 2 0 1 9 48  
Childs Initial Reaction positive positive 64.3 40.9 28.6 0.0 16.7 36.0 39.3  
Childs Initial Reaction indifferent indifferent 8 5 2 11 3 7 36  
Childs Initial Reaction indifferent indifferent 19.0 22.7 28.6 55.0 50.0 28.0 29.5  
Childs Initial Reaction negative negative 3 5 2 7 0 6 23  
Childs Initial Reaction negative negative 7.1 22.7 28.6 35.0 0.0 24.0 18.9  
Childs Initial Reaction other other 4 3 1 2 2 3 15  
Childs Initial Reaction other other 9.5 13.6 14.3 10.0 33.3 12.0 12.3  
Total Total Total 42 22 7 20 6 25 122  
Total Total Total 100.0 100.0 100.0 100.0 100.0 100.0 100.0  
                     
36
Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction
Crosstabulation

Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Total
very supportive supportive supportive sometimes tolerant tolerant sometimes negative other Total
Child Age Told 0-3 0-3 15 2 1 2 0 2 3 25
Child Age Told 0-3 0-3 60.0 8.0 4.0 8.0 0.0 8.0 12.0 100.0
Child Age Told 4-7 4-7 13 8 3 3 0 2 3 32
Child Age Told 4-7 4-7 40.6 25.0 9.4 9.4 0.0 6.3 9.4 100.0
Child Age Told 8-11 8-11 19 9 6 6 0 7 3 50
Child Age Told 8-11 8-11 38.0 18.0 12.0 12.0 0.0 14.0 6.0 100.0
Child Age Told 12-15 12-15 10 16 2 11 1 8 1 49
Child Age Told 12-15 12-15 20.4 32.7 4.1 22.4 2.0 16.3 2.0 100.0
Child Age Told 16-19 16-19 14 11 5 9 0 3 5 47
Child Age Told 16-19 16-19 29.8 23.4 10.6 19.1 0.0 6.4 10.6 100.0
Child Age Told 20-23 20-23 11 3 2 9 0 5 0 30
Child Age Told 20-23 20-23 36.7 10.0 6.7 30.0 0.0 16.7 0.0 100.0
Child Age Told 24-30 24-30 7 0 1 6 1 4 1 20
Child Age Told 24-30 24-30 35.0 0.0 5.0 30.0 5.0 20.0 5.0 100.0
Child Age Told 31 31 5 8 0 1 2 4 3 23
Child Age Told 31 31 21.7 34.8 0.0 4.3 8.7 17.4 13.0 100.0
Total Total Total 94 57 20 47 4 35 19 276
Total Total Total 34.1 20.7 7.2 17.0 1.4 12.7 6.9 100.0
                     
37
Age Told v Current Reaction
38
Child Age Told vs. Acceptance
Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation Child Age Told Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation
Count Count Count Count Count Count Count Count Count Count Count
Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Childs Current Reaction Total
very supportive supportive Supportive sometimes tolerant tolerant sometimes negative other Total
Child Age Told 0-3 0-3 15 2 1 2 0 2 3 25
Child Age Told  4-7  4-7 13 8 3 3 0 2 3 32
Child Age Told 8-11 8-11 19 9 6 6 0 7 3 50
Child Age Told 12-15 12-15 10 16 2 11 1 8 1 49
Child Age Told 16-19 16-19 14 11 5 9 0 3 5 47
Child Age Told 20-23 20-23 11 3 2 9 0 5 0 30
Child Age Told 24-30 24-30 7 0 1 6 1 4 1 20
Child Age Told 31 31 5 8 0 1 2 4 3 23
Total Total Total 94 57 20 47 4 35 19 276
                     
39
Telling and Supporting Wives and SOs

• Has any one not told ?
• This may have the most value in being able to
  help friends
• Principles discussed earlier apply
• Which means this section will be shorter
• However

40
Significant Goodies

• Your SOs support is VITAL to the children's
  happiness and level of acceptance!
• Except
• Her level of acceptance is dependant on a number
  of factors

41
Factors in Acceptance

• When they found out
• Who she/he is!
• What you have done.
• How she found out.
• And now

42
The Well

• My two oldest girls have heard more negative talk
  about me from my ex so when they see me they have
  their Mothers biases to deal with. The younger
  two live with me and are just wonderful about it
  all.

43
Extreme reaction

• My wife told them while I was out-against my
  wishes
• Are u kidding me? I walked in and found both kids
  hysterical, lying on the family room
  carpet...banging their heads on the floor,
  crying-sobbing and screaming Why? WHY? Why? Since
  then they hardly talk to me and I hardly see them

44
A dream come true?

• description_of_attitude_of_partner
• she loves having power over me.whenever i'm with
  her she makes dress as a girl or else.
• description_of_attitude_of_children
• her mother is teaching her how to humilate
  me.susan invites her friends over while i am
  dressed as a woman.

45
Prepared?

Count Count Count Count Count Count Count Count Count
Preparation to tell Preparation to tell Preparation to tell Preparation to tell Preparation to tell Total
none consulted with therapist talked with T friends gathered Information from books gathered information on internet Total
SOs current attitude very supportive very supportive 5 2 2 3 7 19
SOs current attitude supportive supportive 9 0 1 2 8 20
SOs current attitude supportive sometimes supportive sometimes 11 0 2 1 1 15
SOs current attitude tolerant tolerant 8 0 0 1 3 12
SOs current attitude tolerant sometimes tolerant sometimes 8 0 0 0 2 10
SOs current attitude negative negative 10 0 0 1 1 12
SOs current attitude other other 1 0 0 0 0 1
Total Total Total 52 2 5 8 22 89
                 
46
Example

• The web was an amazing resource, as well as my
  many TS friends that I had during my transition.
  I can't think of any one author or site that was
  good. There is a desperate need for more
  information on how to break the news to the
  children. It was one of the hardest things I had
  to face.

47
Support Group Value!
Spouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support group Spouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support group Spouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support group Spouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support group Spouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support group
Count Count Count Count Count
SO member of support group SO member of support group Total
yes no Total
Spouse or SO's current attitude very supportive 14 3 17
Spouse or SO's current attitude supportive 7 7 14
Spouse or SO's current attitude Supportive sometimes 4 7 11
Spouse or SO's current attitude tolerant 1 6 7
Spouse or SO's current attitude tolerant sometimes 1 5 6
Spouse or SO's current attitude negative 1 15 16
Spouse or SO's current attitude other 1 1 2
Total Total 29 44 73
48
Initial Reaction
What was spouse or SOs initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SOs initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SOs initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SOs initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SOs initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SOs initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SOs initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SOs initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out?
Count Count Count Count Count Count Count Count
When did spouse or SO find out? When did spouse or SO find out? When did spouse or SO find out? When did spouse or SO find out? When did spouse or SO find out? Total
Before married After married before children While children growing up After children grown Other Total
Initial reaction? Very supportive 7 0 1 3 0 11
Initial reaction? supportive 4 0 1 5 4 14
Initial reaction? supportive sometimes 0 0 2 3 1 6
Initial reaction? tolerant 11 1 5 3 1 21
Initial reaction? tolerant sometimes 3 0 0 6 1 10
Initial reaction? negative 3 0 9 14 8 34
Initial reaction? other 2 0 0 1 1 4
Total Total 30 1 18 35 16 100
49
Support!

• The best support for wives is other wives
• It can be as little as an e-mail group
• Better yet in person
• They do have to be open to support!

50
Church activity
Count Count Count Count Count Count Count Count
SO's church activity SO's church activity SO's church activity SO's church activity Total
does not regularly attend church attends regularly once or twice a month attends once a week attends or is active more than once A week Total
SOs current attitude very supportive very supportive 12 1 3 3 19
SOs current attitude supportive supportive 6 3 4 2 15
SOs current attitude supportive sometimes supportive sometimes 4 2 1 3 10
SOs current attitude tolerant tolerant 1 3 2 1 7
SOs current attitude Tolerant sometimes Tolerant sometimes 3 3 2 1 9
SOs current attitude negative negative 3 2 0 7 12
Total Total Total 29 14 12 17 72