YOU

1
Memory Snapshot Essay Self Assessment

• YOULL NEED A HIGHLIGHTER AND A RED PEN ALONG
  WITH YOUR ESSAY.
• YOUR WORK ON THIS SELF ASSESSMENT WILL BE PART OF
  YOUR ROUGH DRAFT GRADE.

• California State Content Standard Writing 2.1
  Write biographical or autobiographical narratives
  or short stories
• Segerstrom ESLR Reflective Communicators

2
The Revision Process

• What to work on at this point
• The big picture issues.
• Does my story hold together, or do I need to
  change major elements?
• Is my intro attention-grabbing?
• Does my conclusion tie it all together?
• Are my characters believable and realistic?
• What to work on later (during editing)
• Finding the exact best words (look for them here,
  but dont get hung up)
• Revising for sentence variety.

3
Check the Hook

• Highlight the hook (engaging opening).
• Does it compel the readers attention?
• Or does it start with any of the following worn
  out phrases?
• Once upon a time ...
• When I was ten I experienced
• Have you ever witnessed a crime?
• Make a note to return to this for revision.

4
Hook Improvements

• Spice up your hook (engaging opening) with
• An anecdote
• A famous quote
• A startling fact
• A vivid description
• A generalization

5
Some Samples

• My dog is a lot like me when he is sad. One time
  he even moped around the house for days, just
  wandering through rooms aimlessly. I felt like
  this when my grandmother died.
• Anecdote - A short story that illustrates a
  point with a transition into your thesis
• A Swedish proverb says, Shared joy is a double
  joy shared sorrow is half the sorrow.
  Experiencing the joy of my first boyfriend and
  the sorrow of our breakup with my best friend,
  Sarah, by my side was a great comfort.
• A famous quote - A famous quote with a
  transition into your thesis

6
Some Samples

• In California, the current unemployment rate is
  9.5. That may seem small, but when ones mother
  and father are part of that 9.5, the statistic
  can become overwhelming.
• Startling Fact - A startling fact with
  transition into your thesis
• Changing schools in the middle of the school
  year can be unnerving, but it can also be an
  opportunity to reinvent yourself and take on new
  challenges. Seeing the change in a positive way
  was the key to my success when I transferred to
  Segerstrom High School last year.
• Generalization - A generalization about the
  topic with a transition into your thesis

7
Thesis Background Information and Hint at
Significance

• In a Narrative Essay (yes, this is a narrative
  essay), the thesis should tell the topic of the
  story (narrative) you are writing and the reason
  you are writing the narrative or the overall
  message you are sending to your reader.
• Examples
• Caring for my puppy the first month I had him
  showed me that I was not ready for that big of a
  responsibility.
• Mourning my grandfathers death with my family
  brought us closer together and gave us
  opportunities to care for each other in ways we
  never experienced before that point.
• Put brackets around the engaging opening and
  background information.
• Underline the hint about the significance of the
  experience.

8
Checking Your Scenes

• Everything that happens should be in a specific
  place and time. Is the order of events clear?
• Number the events in chronological order.
• In the right margin, label the rising action,
  climax, falling action, resolution, external
  conflict, internal conflict.
• Are there any scenes that seem necessary
  logically that are missing?
• Make a note to add them.
• Check your pacing/emphasis. Did you spend too
  much time describing a minor setting? Do you need
  to add detail, gestures, description?

9
Add Dialogue

• When characters talk to each other, its always
  more interesting to hear their words rather than
  a summary.
• Look for places where characters interact, and
  add at least 4 instances of dialogue.
• For example
• Pedros dad told him that his mother had died
  while giving birth to him.
• Revised
• Your mother died for you, Pedros dad spat out
  while staring at the window.

10
Add Thoughtshots

• Use italicized font whenever you are revealing
  your inner thoughts and feelings (interior
  monologue) throughout your Memory Snapshot Essay.
• Highlight sentences that contain thoughts or
  feelings.
• Add at least 4 examples of thoughtshots.
• For example
• Coach Carter yelled, Jose, either get your
  head in the game or go home!
• Yes, Coach, I replied. What a jerk! Doesnt
  he know how hard Im trying?

11
Add Gestures and Reactions to Create a You are
There Feeling in the Reader
Telling

• Gestures are a great way to SHOW rather than TELL
  how characters are feeling
• Poor Gustav was embarrassed at her accusation.
• Revised Hearing her accusation, Gustav flushed
  pink.
• Revised Upon hearing her accusation, Gustav
  buried his face in his hands.
• Revised
• You stole my superhero tights. Didnt you?
  Megawoman shouted.
• I, well, no, couldnt have. You see Gustav
  trailed off, staring at the ground.

Reaction
Gesture
Dialogue
Gesture
12
Examine Your Conclusion

• Dont begin with Finally, In conclusion, or Thus.
  These are overused, and out-of-place in a
  narrative.
• Your conclusion (paragraph) should
• Revisit your hook
• Transition to revisiting your thesis- this should
  show how the revisited hook and restated thesis
  are related.
• Restate your thesis with more insight (explain
  the meaning of the experience). What universal
  theme is illustrated?

13
Checking for Transitions

• Transitions are words, phrases, or sentences that
  lead the reader from one idea to another.
• For this essay, we will concentrate on
  transitions in time and sequence.
• Time transitional words
• after, afterward, at last, before, currently,
  during, earlier, immediately, later, meanwhile,
  now, recently, simultaneously, subsequently, then
• Sequence transitional words
• first, second, third etc,. next, then, finally
• You must use at least 2 transitional words per
  body paragraph.
• Box all of your transition words
• however, also, because of this, after, before, in
  addition, then, likewise, similarly, on the other
  hand, meanwhile,

14
Checking for Sentence Variety

• Draw two lines at the end of every sentence. //
  Like this. //
• Are most of your sentences three to four lines
  long? Or are they three to four words long?
• Is there variety in your sentence structures?
• If not, put a note in the margins to Break into
  multiple sentences or Combine sentences.

15
Image Grammar

• Your Memory Snapshot Essay should incorporate the
  use of at least three examples of Image Grammar
• Painting with participles, painting with
  absolutes, painting with appositives, painting
  with adjectives shifted out of order, painting
  with action verbs.
• Draw a wavy line under each example of Image
  Grammar.
• Check to make sure commas are used to separate
  the Image Grammar brushstrokes from the rest of
  the sentence.
• Make sure you do not underline or italicize the
  brushstrokes.

16
Checking for RIP Words

• Scan your essay for boring, dead words. Circle
  these
• Different, really, very, get, amazing,
  incredible, nice, big, little, small, said
• You will need to replace these words.
  Suggestions
• different can be replaced by unique, startling,
  surprising, remarkable, curious
• big enormous, immense, vast, bulky, massive

17
Checking Adverbs

• Adverbs are words that modify verbs, adjectives,
  or other adverbs.
• Put a box around all adverbs. (Look for ly
  words quickly, happily, sadly)
• Try to replace the adverbs with stronger verbs
  and more powerful adjectives.
• Example
• Boring I walked happily home.
• Better I skipped home.

18
Check Sentence Openings

• Circle any sentence that begins with There
  is/are/were
• Make a note in the margins to rephrase these.
  Often these can simply be cut.
• Example
• Weak There are several people that influenced me
  during high school.
• Better Several people influenced me during high
  school.
• Scan to see if you have a series of sentences
  that begin with the same words,
• For example He, She or I.

19
Check for Contractions

• Cross out all contractions, for example
• Im
• theres
• were
• hed
• Spell out all of these words
• This helps establish an appropriate tone
• One exception contractions in dialogue